Is Melania Trump Getting Federally-Funded Side Peen?
Lemme tell you something. I haven’t started the new season of House of Cards yet because I honestly feel like we’re living in it. Double dose of it might be TEW MUCH. This Trump administration is like Primetime Fuckshit. On the bad part, everything is crumbling and the world is burning. On the good side, we got more tea than we can ever drink. We’re drowning in tea.
Last night, someone else blessed us with more. A saint woman by the name of Monica Byrne (@monicabyrne13) took to Twitter to drop info she gathered for us all, and challenged journalists to go dig up more on it. It’s about Melania Trump. And listen. It was good! It starts HERE but here is the tweet that really took me OUT. The crux of the spillage, if you will.
But here it is: word is, for many years, Melania’s been having an affair with the head of security at Tiffany’s in the Trump Tower lobby.
— Monica Byrne (@monicabyrne13) June 1, 2017
CHISOS!!! I don die.
And then:
Hi @realDonaldTrump! We’re all wondering if your wife @MelaniaTrump is having an affair with the head of security at Tiffanys or nah? pic.twitter.com/yaBpXsX0qd
— Monica Byrne (@monicabyrne13) June 1, 2017
*grabs my wig* I have died finish. Wear all red suits to my funeral and matching dyeable slingbacks. Tell them to swag surf at my repast because LAWDDDD.
There is nothing like hot tea. Not even the Lipton kind. We need to call this something higher, like Teavana or some shit. Organic, and expensive. This tea is too good.
Let’s talk about this in full! So. We all know that Melania is disgusted by the fail whale she is legally bound to. We KNOW. We see it every time she winces when he touches her and when she refuses to hold his hand. We see it in her stupid squint that her soul dies a little bit every day she has to be attached to him.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina.
I had already heard through the grapevines that she was gonna divorce his ass but then he went and played the world’s unfunniest practical joke and became the President of the United States. So she was stuck with him, and doomed to play the ornament in Satan’s tree of an administration.
BUTTTT I hadn’t heard about her side-bae, who happens to be a security guard at the Tiffany’s at the Trump Tower that Melania refuses to leave, even as her husband is living at the White House. I HADN’T HEARD THAT AND IT ALL MAKES SENSE. I thought she was getting through it with a rabbit or some other battery-powered toy. But no, she might have went and got her real life meat.
Chile, listen. Allegedly, Melania outchea playing Rapunzel in the Trump Tower and refusing to let down her hair to play First Lady in DC because her real boo works in the lobby. Maybe she said “Shit. I ain’t gon divorce you or poison you in your sleep because I hate your guts so much but what I will do is not miss out on my regular dick down because you wanna go be president. I’m staying, like Effie White. And NYC gon love me.” That wily bish.
I’m guessing that is why she kept on being like “don’t hold my hand, Donald.” Cuz her boyfriend was gon get mad and come see Marmalade Mugabe in these streets. And then Secret Service woulda had to neutralize him and the pipe she was getting on a regular was gonna be no more. I SEE IT NOW. It all makes sense.
Security Bae ain’t bad on the eyes, either. He got the chin dimple going on and errthang. Meanwhile, the walking 7 deadly sins Melania is married to got the face for radio. No comparison in the looks department.
But here’s the real PETTY in all this. Melania’s gift to FLOTUS (the real one) Michelle Obama on inauguration day was from Tiffany’s. LEMME FIND OUT SHE USED SECURITY BAE’S FRIENDS AND FAMILY DISCOUNT.
If this is true, then the writers of Real World: Trump Administration (yes, they got writers) better get to work. Rich people are crazy and conniving AF.
Honestly, we’ve been going at this resistance all wrong. The key to Tangerine Voldemort’s downfall is getting Melania mad enough at him. SHE got the key.
What I do know is that I’m not okay that our good taxes might be paying for Squinty McGirk to have a side floozy. It’s costing us millions a month for her and Barron to ignore Papaya Pol Pot, AND for her to be getting her pipes cleaned by some scruffy dude downstairs. These Trumps get away with murder, treason, infidelity and then they get paid for all of it. Their white privilege is on a hunnid thousand trillion. Let her have melanin and y’all would have her wig hanging in effigy. They get away with all types of clusterfuck behavior.
Is Melania getting federally-funded side peen? I wanna know. And let’s keep asking the tough questions. The ones that matter. The shady ones, especially.
Whew. Happy Friday!
Edit: Someone sent me a link to the Facebook profile of Security Bae. Y’all. THE LACK OF CHILL WITH YOU IS STRONG! But don’t think I ain’t scroll all through his profile looking for clues. I’m nosy like that.
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92 Comments
The name of the man in the picture is supposedly Hank Siemers.
Hunky Hanky Hank is already married!
Wait, what?
Well, cov-muthafuckin’-fefe. This tea is scalding????????????
LAWWWWWDDDD……mouth open ‘tory jump out (Trini sayin’)……I been refusing to give covfefe any oxygen…..but Pamela cov-muthafuckin’-fefe is my new favorite word????????????????????
I haven’t heard that saying in a long time ????????????????????????
You, ma’am, are trynna get me fired. ????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
For brevity’s sake, can we shorten this to cov-mutha-fefe??
Or just CMF if we’re in a rush?
Okay. You win the covfefe. You win.
????????????????
I’d be ALL up on Mr. Security too.
As in, the-whole-thing-and-not-just-the-head all about it.
Yaaas.
Squinty McGirk???? The contractions that my stomach is doing right now to keep from guffawing in this quiet cube of mine, are going to cause my birth control to expel from my body!!!!! Please have mercy cuz with Ole Orange Slew Foot in office, I can’t afford another implant!
Orange slew foot is pretty good.
…”But here’s the real PETTY in all this. Melania’s gift to FLOTUS (the real one) Michelle Obama on inauguration day was from Tiffany’s. LEMME FIND OUT SHE USED SECURITY BAE’S FRIENDS AND FAMILY DISCOUNT.”….I died, turned into a ghost…became reincarnated…died again and came back to re-read this foolishness. Luvvie, I “quit” you and the Internets today 🙂
I am in a rapid resurrection cycle with that! Crying, can’t see straight, on the edge of asthma. #worthit #readitTHREETIMES
Almost worth this nightmare just for this essay and spillage. Even the comments are the funniest shit ever.
This tea is so hot I got blisters all over the roof of my mouth. Daaaamn…
You are a gift we don’t deserve, Luvvie. Damn near dying in my living room.
This!
So, so true. Once again, I laughed so hard, I cried. Murder one in the house, Luvvie. 😀 xxoo
Connecting the dots has never been more fun!!! Dolt45 got that conversation after that handslap bizness “look, if you mess with my man, Imma mess up ya LIFE…I gots RECEIPTS, bih!”
This presidency is a wrap!!
OH! I just terrified the neighborhood (and my neighbors are far, far away mind you) with my guffaws at Dolt45! Thank you Renee for my birthday present!!!!!!
I hope the gift michell got said ” FromMelania & Hank” on the card
I know I just lost my mind cuz I just tried to double tap your comment!! “From Melania and Hank”!! #Dead
I needed something to brighten up my day and this just did that and more.
https://www.linkedin.com/in/hank-siemers-cfi-394ab55
Here is Hank Siemers LinkedIn profile
Look at Hanky Hank!! I bet the orange wonder fires him too after this! Found him on LinkedIn and another website. Didn’t he learn ANYTHING from the Comey fiasco???
https://www.linkedin.com/in/hank-siemers-cfi-394ab55/
http://losspreventionmedia.com/news-releases/hank-siemers-cfi-promoted-to-vice-president-global-retail-security-at-tiffany-co/
I checked to see if Melania was on his friends list
I told y’all! She built a wall around her lady garden as soon as she had that anchor baby.
PAPAYA POL POT!!!! I died, was buried, resurrected my own damn self, walked around awhile, died again. I may have to stop calling him the Apricot Asswipe.
My favorite is Cheeto Benito or Mango Mussolini 😉
Two questions: How long has this been going on? Does Barron look more like Tr*mp or this dude?
Hmmmmmmmmmmm?????????????????
Sadly, Barron is Trump’s mini-me, IMO. Poor kid probably WISHES Hot Hank was his daddy, though. :-/
Biologically, Trump is Barron’s daddy. But practically? My money’s on “turkey baster”.
The amount of contractions that my stomach is doing because I am trying to not to guffaw in my quiet cube, is going to expel my birth control from my loins. Please have mercy cuz with Ole Orange Slew Foot in office, I can’t afford another implant!
Watch the man. See if he transfers from NYC to DC after Melania officially moves.
Papaya Pol Pot! I have been undone!
Security Bae gonna get FIRED cause somebody gonna call SECURRRITY on him at the Trump Tower! You happy now Luvvie? We gonna set Melania up through SatanMingle.com cause we cannot have her ruining Trump’s life all by her lonesome.
SatanMingle.com. ????????????
“Like Effie White, I’m not going, and NYC gon love me. That wily bish.” Aaaaahahahahahahaha!!! ????????
Is THOTUS getting her freak on with the head of helps?
Short answer: Yes.
Long answer: Yaaaaaaaasssss! :o)
And our tax dollars are paying for it. #3rdLady need to be in the white house with her orange husband and leave Security Siemens (pun intended) alone. Or at least until after the impeachment/divorce.
Make America WTF Again! :o)
Did you jes say THOTUS??! I am unable to can right now…
THOTUS!!! #dead!
THOTUS?!!?
BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
THOTUS?!… chokes on last breaths
#3rdLady…..DEADDDDD!!!!
Facebook says he’s married!!!
For the right amount, his wife might not mind sharing. This tea is too hot to drink fast.
Right!!!! This is messy for sure
If I had to be in public with the president, I would FOR SURE be getting some fine-ass silver fox ass ass on the side.
That right there looks like a damn fine specimen, he’s probably blowing her tiny little mind compared to whatever she’s been getting from her legal spouse.
He works security so gotta stay in shape. She done seen them thighs in a romper and told Sunkist Orange ✌????
Used to play baseball too. OMGGGGGG!!
The only thing that could make this juicier would be some Melania/Hank fanfic, complete with late-night lock-ins at Tiffany’s.
I write a ton of fanfiction. Political figures are not my usual subject but man, if I could come up with a fanfic for these two, I’d totally post it.
Please. Please do..
PLEASE.
https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1299681876 You/re Welcome!
https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1299681876
Facebook page is suddenly not available? That’s a tad suspicious…
It’s there. Just check him out. That dimpled chin, muscle man…I ain’t mad at Mrs. Cheetoh. Nope. Ain’t mad at her!
The arms. Did you see the arms?
“So she was stuck with him, and doomed to play the ornament in Satan’s tree of an administration.”
I will be laughing about this for the rest of my life, forever and ever amen.
Oh sweet white baby Jesus, I is on my way and please send Luvvie an extra blessing, AMEN!
No only was the gift from her bae bae’s job, but her inauguration outfit was an homage to her eggplant giver.
Check out his FB page…is old dude married? Oh Lawd did the tea just get upped a notch?
This is the day Oprah created her Teavana Chai for. She knew it would be needed to discuss the burn that is fresh evidence that Tangelo Vienna Sausage Fingers is also Tangelo Vienna Sausage Penis.
He’s not a security guard, he’s the Head of Security st Tiffanys. Do more research on him. Has a Bachelors degree in Criminal Justice as well. Not that it matters though.
Omg. Name that guy! Or share a picture.
Sooooooo…I guess it’s a good time to reveal, I’ve a close friend whose daughter works in a NYC spa where a certain Lady regularly goes. GUESS who pays her spa bill and has been for a few years now ? Gorky Pig. So Miz M ain’t the only one playing in that particular sandbox. Everyone at the spa had to sign NDA so nothing juicy will come from there. I only know because I know parent of employee.
You know, Miz M’s a millionaire in her own right. Aside from having signed an iron-clad NDA ( as ALL his wives do,as well as those who work for/with him) and prolly losing a couple mill though a highly punitive pre-nup, there’s NO anchor up her fanny. She absolutely can leave him, so you have ask yourself WHY she stays. Seriously. WHY stay with a man you so clearly loathe ? Life’s too short.
He is not a security guard! He is the head of global security! Pulleeese!
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! How have I lived without you all these years? Subscribing.
And, yeah, I keep wondering about Melania’s prenup. She must be getting *major* bucks, ’cause you *know* she didn’t look at Orange Julius and think “Oh, man, I have *got* to get me some of *that!*”
Season 5 of House of Cards all day! He’s handsome.
Yes the cheater is married to a Spanish girl name Quen lives Eastern long island
You are brilliant.
I just had to add this, after your delicious reveal. Here’s a recommendation someone wrote for her man. Note the emphasis on “shrink reduction”! I bet that’s her department.
Gary Johnson
Security and LP expert | Shrink Reduction | Data Analytics | Cyber | Risk Mgmt | High-Performance Teams | CPP | Speaker
February 11, 2009, Gary managed Hank directly
I was fortunate to have hired Hank Siemers at Barnes & Noble where he performed at a high level and was a key contributor for nearly 4 years. Hank is a firm believer that the way to reduce shrink is through people and he’s passionate about “people development.” The LP Programs he developed fostered inclusion of all Associates towards a common goal of shrink reduction. I’ve enjoyed seeing Hanks career grow and it’s no surprise to me that he has been successful in his senior loss prevention leadership role at Tiffany & Company.
This is the best post EVER, ANYWHERE.
I need this to be true.
I need the affair to be older than Barron.
I need Maury to say to Tiny Tanned Twitter Fingers “You are NOT the father!”
Then call me home Lort. Cause I dun ded.
Girrrr! GIRRRR! I needed ALL this laughter today! Come thru side peen! Come thru Melania joy! At least this makes me less worried that she is getting her azz whooped by 45. But CLEARLY their marriage is for optics only. Where are the pearls clutching white evangelicals? Will there be one?! Oh that’s right…they voted his anti-christ golden calf azz in! Smh! Welp, we may not be safe, but because of you sis, this titanic of a moment in our country’s history will go down with laughter!…and TEA!
I was told that the box Melania gave FLOUTUS was not a typical retail box and looked like a regifted specialty piece from past collections. So, it prolly WAS an insider employee gift, in some way.
Well now we’re Federally funding EVERYTHING.
I am lying next to hubby clutching my pearls at this scandal! Good Morning Star Shine! Olivia Pope would be so proud! Luvvie you are my hero as always and the Effie White comment almost got me demoted to the couch laughing out loud! I have come to the conclusion the country is now Gotham City and we are being held hostage by a true Batman Villain! Lawd when will the Black Knight arrive to save us all?!
Orange Mugabe?! LOVE YOU for that. Laughing!
And the Oscar goes to: Awesomely Luvvie, for Marmalade Mugabe and Tangerine Voldemort!
This was monumental. You deserve a Pulitzer for Petty!
Melania and the Security Man from Tiffany her wearing that blue Jackie Kennedy suit and the Tiffany box she gave Michelle. Wow just ???? Wow! This sounds like something straight out of Scandal. The plot thickens.????
Luvvie just won the internet. “Pulitzer for Petty” LOL! Thank you for this- laughter through tears is my favorite emotion.
As usual, they arrive lacking all subtlety and effort. Replying in the same section. When He What Oranges said he could shoot someone on the street and the support wouldn’t end, who knew that immunity conveyed to this woman and Hank Hitting That Spot?
Melania is just as much of a piece of shit as her gassy husband is. Everyone else has to foot the bill for her whore lifestyle and to keep Little Lord Fuckpants close to his “school chums”, like that’s supposed to be our fucking problem. What kind of woman doesn’t move into the WH when her husband becomes president? She’s a selfish worthless whore who that fat gasbag struts around with to give people the impression that he’s a virile, vital stud who bangs younger women, which is utter horseshit as it’s obvious that she wouldn’t go anywhere near that flaccid pick asswipe unless there was a giant pile of loot in it for her.
Trying to decide what I love more: your clever witty writing, or the cheetolinis complaining about proper grammar and pivoting to Hillary. Bravo Luvvie!
#DontCryForMeArgentina = #Priceless
Marmalade Mugabe. Perfection
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