Is Melania Trump Getting Federally-Funded Side Peen?

Lemme tell you something. I haven’t started the new season of House of Cards yet because I honestly feel like we’re living in it. Double dose of it might be TEW MUCH. This Trump administration is like Primetime Fuckshit. On the bad part, everything is crumbling and the world is burning. On the good side, we got more tea than we can ever drink. We’re drowning in tea.

Last night, someone else blessed us with more. A saint woman by the name of Monica Byrne (@monicabyrne13) took to Twitter to drop info she gathered for us all, and challenged journalists to go dig up more on it. It’s about Melania Trump. And listen. It was good! It starts HERE but here is the tweet that really took me OUT. The crux of the spillage, if you will.

CHISOS!!! I don die.

And then:

*grabs my wig* I have died finish. Wear all red suits to my funeral and matching dyeable slingbacks. Tell them to swag surf at my repast because LAWDDDD.

There is nothing like hot tea. Not even the Lipton kind. We need to call this something higher, like Teavana or some shit. Organic, and expensive. This tea is too good.

Let’s talk about this in full! So. We all know that Melania is disgusted by the fail whale she is legally bound to. We KNOW. We see it every time she winces when he touches her and when she refuses to hold his hand. We see it in her stupid squint that her soul dies a little bit every day she has to be attached to him.

melania trump

Don’t cry for me, Argentina.

I had already heard through the grapevines that she was gonna divorce his ass but then he went and played the world’s unfunniest practical joke and became the President of the United States. So she was stuck with him, and doomed to play the ornament in Satan’s tree of an administration.

BUTTTT I hadn’t heard about her side-bae, who happens to be a security guard at the Tiffany’s at the Trump Tower that Melania refuses to leave, even as her husband is living at the White House. I HADN’T HEARD THAT AND IT ALL MAKES SENSE. I thought she was getting through it with a rabbit or some other battery-powered toy. But no, she might have went and got her real life meat.

Chile, listen. Allegedly, Melania outchea playing Rapunzel in the Trump Tower and refusing to let down her hair to play First Lady in DC because her real boo works in the lobby. Maybe she said “Shit. I ain’t gon divorce you or poison you in your sleep because I hate your guts so much but what I will do is not miss out on my regular dick down because you wanna go be president. I’m staying, like Effie White. And NYC gon love me.” That wily bish.

Sips tea gif

I’m guessing that is why she kept on being like “don’t hold my hand, Donald.” Cuz her boyfriend was gon get mad and come see Marmalade Mugabe in these streets. And then Secret Service woulda had to neutralize him and the pipe she was getting on a regular was gonna be no more. I SEE IT NOW. It all makes sense.

Security Bae ain’t bad on the eyes, either. He got the chin dimple going on and errthang. Meanwhile, the walking 7 deadly sins Melania is married to got the face for radio. No comparison in the looks department.

But here’s the real PETTY in all this. Melania’s gift to FLOTUS (the real one) Michelle Obama on inauguration day was from Tiffany’s. LEMME FIND OUT SHE USED SECURITY BAE’S FRIENDS AND FAMILY DISCOUNT.

If this is true, then the writers of Real World: Trump Administration (yes, they got writers) better get to work. Rich people are crazy and conniving AF.

Honestly, we’ve been going at this resistance all wrong. The key to Tangerine Voldemort’s downfall is getting Melania mad enough at him. SHE got the key.

What I do know is that I’m not okay that our good taxes might be paying for Squinty McGirk to have a side floozy. It’s costing us millions a month for her and Barron to ignore Papaya Pol Pot, AND for her to be getting her pipes cleaned by some scruffy dude downstairs. These Trumps get away with murder, treason, infidelity and then they get paid for all of it. Their white privilege is on a hunnid thousand trillion. Let her have melanin and y’all would have her wig hanging in effigy. They get away with all types of clusterfuck behavior.

Is Melania getting federally-funded side peen? I wanna know. And let’s keep asking the tough questions. The ones that matter. The shady ones, especially.

Whew. Happy Friday!

Edit: Someone sent me a link to the Facebook profile of Security Bae. Y’all. THE LACK OF CHILL WITH YOU IS STRONG! But don’t think I ain’t scroll all through his profile looking for clues. I’m nosy like that.

Have you bought my NYTimes-bestselling debut book I’M JUDGING YOU: The Do-Better Manual? Haven’t ordered it yet? Now’s your chance. You’ll love it. Amazon. Barnes & Nobles. iBooks. Audible (I narrated the audiobook myself). Kobo. Books-A-Million.

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  1. S.K
    June 2, 2017 at 11:44 am

    The name of the man in the picture is supposedly Hank Siemers.

    • Roxie64
      June 5, 2017 at 1:20 am

      Hunky Hanky Hank is already married!

      • Tammi T
        June 8, 2017 at 1:09 am

        Wait, what?

  2. Pamela
    June 2, 2017 at 11:47 am

    Well, cov-muthafuckin’-fefe. This tea is scalding????????????

    • Jillian
      June 2, 2017 at 11:57 am

      LAWWWWWDDDD……mouth open ‘tory jump out (Trini sayin’)……I been refusing to give covfefe any oxygen…..but Pamela cov-muthafuckin’-fefe is my new favorite word????????????????????

      • Brandice Alexander
        June 4, 2017 at 9:35 pm

        I haven’t heard that saying in a long time ????????????????????????

    • AB
      June 2, 2017 at 12:43 pm

      You, ma’am, are trynna get me fired. ????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

    • Madliest
      June 2, 2017 at 1:39 pm

      For brevity’s sake, can we shorten this to cov-mutha-fefe??

      • Gabrielle
        June 2, 2017 at 1:47 pm

        Or just CMF if we’re in a rush?

    • RR
      June 2, 2017 at 1:54 pm

      Okay. You win the covfefe. You win.

    • Jamie
      June 23, 2017 at 1:28 am


  3. Shameless Hussy
    June 2, 2017 at 11:48 am

    I’d be ALL up on Mr. Security too.

    As in, the-whole-thing-and-not-just-the-head all about it.


  4. Marqué
    June 2, 2017 at 11:48 am

    Squinty McGirk???? The contractions that my stomach is doing right now to keep from guffawing in this quiet cube of mine, are going to cause my birth control to expel from my body!!!!! Please have mercy cuz with Ole Orange Slew Foot in office, I can’t afford another implant!

    • Leelee
      June 2, 2017 at 3:43 pm

      Orange slew foot is pretty good.

  5. Tanya Link
    June 2, 2017 at 11:58 am

    …”But here’s the real PETTY in all this. Melania’s gift to FLOTUS (the real one) Michelle Obama on inauguration day was from Tiffany’s. LEMME FIND OUT SHE USED SECURITY BAE’S FRIENDS AND FAMILY DISCOUNT.”….I died, turned into a ghost…became reincarnated…died again and came back to re-read this foolishness. Luvvie, I “quit” you and the Internets today 🙂

    • Roanna
      June 2, 2017 at 3:14 pm

      I am in a rapid resurrection cycle with that! Crying, can’t see straight, on the edge of asthma. #worthit #readitTHREETIMES

    • Shelley
      June 7, 2017 at 6:52 am

      Almost worth this nightmare just for this essay and spillage. Even the comments are the funniest shit ever.

  6. ST
    June 2, 2017 at 12:02 pm

    This tea is so hot I got blisters all over the roof of my mouth. Daaaamn…

  7. Melanie
    June 2, 2017 at 12:05 pm

    You are a gift we don’t deserve, Luvvie. Damn near dying in my living room.

    • Virginia
      June 2, 2017 at 12:56 pm


    • Rich
      June 2, 2017 at 4:39 pm

      So, so true. Once again, I laughed so hard, I cried. Murder one in the house, Luvvie. 😀 xxoo

  8. Renee
    June 2, 2017 at 12:05 pm

    Connecting the dots has never been more fun!!! Dolt45 got that conversation after that handslap bizness “look, if you mess with my man, Imma mess up ya LIFE…I gots RECEIPTS, bih!”

    This presidency is a wrap!!

    • Snarknado
      June 2, 2017 at 12:47 pm

      OH! I just terrified the neighborhood (and my neighbors are far, far away mind you) with my guffaws at Dolt45! Thank you Renee for my birthday present!!!!!!

  9. Morgan
    June 2, 2017 at 12:12 pm

    I hope the gift michell got said ” FromMelania & Hank” on the card

    • June 2, 2017 at 3:34 pm

      I know I just lost my mind cuz I just tried to double tap your comment!! “From Melania and Hank”!! #Dead

  10. Brie
    June 2, 2017 at 12:16 pm

    I needed something to brighten up my day and this just did that and more.

  11. Susan Stange
    June 2, 2017 at 12:16 pm


    Here is Hank Siemers LinkedIn profile

  12. Kimberly
    June 2, 2017 at 12:21 pm

    Look at Hanky Hank!! I bet the orange wonder fires him too after this! Found him on LinkedIn and another website. Didn’t he learn ANYTHING from the Comey fiasco???



    • Serenity
      June 2, 2017 at 2:37 pm

      I checked to see if Melania was on his friends list

  13. Reva Revis
    June 2, 2017 at 12:23 pm

    I told y’all! She built a wall around her lady garden as soon as she had that anchor baby.

  14. June 2, 2017 at 12:26 pm

    PAPAYA POL POT!!!! I died, was buried, resurrected my own damn self, walked around awhile, died again. I may have to stop calling him the Apricot Asswipe.

    • Kevin S.
      June 3, 2017 at 10:10 pm

      My favorite is Cheeto Benito or Mango Mussolini 😉

  15. Abby
    June 2, 2017 at 12:28 pm

    Two questions: How long has this been going on? Does Barron look more like Tr*mp or this dude?

    • Kimberly
      June 2, 2017 at 1:01 pm


    • Lisa
      June 2, 2017 at 4:01 pm

      Sadly, Barron is Trump’s mini-me, IMO. Poor kid probably WISHES Hot Hank was his daddy, though. :-/

      • Daniel
        June 7, 2017 at 12:07 am

        Biologically, Trump is Barron’s daddy. But practically? My money’s on “turkey baster”.

  16. Marqué
    June 2, 2017 at 12:29 pm

    The amount of contractions that my stomach is doing because I am trying to not to guffaw in my quiet cube, is going to expel my birth control from my loins. Please have mercy cuz with Ole Orange Slew Foot in office, I can’t afford another implant!

  17. Pat
    June 2, 2017 at 12:33 pm

    Watch the man. See if he transfers from NYC to DC after Melania officially moves.

  18. Deion
    June 2, 2017 at 12:35 pm

    Papaya Pol Pot! I have been undone!

  19. Kia S.
    June 2, 2017 at 12:40 pm

    Security Bae gonna get FIRED cause somebody gonna call SECURRRITY on him at the Trump Tower! You happy now Luvvie? We gonna set Melania up through SatanMingle.com cause we cannot have her ruining Trump’s life all by her lonesome.

    • Yvonne
      June 2, 2017 at 12:47 pm

      SatanMingle.com. ????????????

  20. Yvonne
    June 2, 2017 at 12:45 pm

    “Like Effie White, I’m not going, and NYC gon love me. That wily bish.” Aaaaahahahahahahaha!!! ????????

  21. Lorna
    June 2, 2017 at 12:55 pm

    Is THOTUS getting her freak on with the head of helps?
    Short answer: Yes.
    Long answer: Yaaaaaaaasssss! :o)

    And our tax dollars are paying for it. #3rdLady need to be in the white house with her orange husband and leave Security Siemens (pun intended) alone. Or at least until after the impeachment/divorce.
    Make America WTF Again! :o)

    • Keissa
      June 2, 2017 at 4:20 pm

      Did you jes say THOTUS??! I am unable to can right now…

    • deb
      June 2, 2017 at 6:03 pm

      THOTUS!!! #dead!

    • Judy
      June 3, 2017 at 3:34 pm



    • Kellie
      June 9, 2017 at 11:35 am

      THOTUS?!… chokes on last breaths

  22. ct
    June 2, 2017 at 1:05 pm

    Facebook says he’s married!!!

    • TCK
      June 2, 2017 at 1:29 pm

      For the right amount, his wife might not mind sharing. This tea is too hot to drink fast.

    • Moni
      June 2, 2017 at 1:34 pm

      Right!!!! This is messy for sure

  23. Maureen
    June 2, 2017 at 1:28 pm

    If I had to be in public with the president, I would FOR SURE be getting some fine-ass silver fox ass ass on the side.

    That right there looks like a damn fine specimen, he’s probably blowing her tiny little mind compared to whatever she’s been getting from her legal spouse.

  24. Kelley
    June 2, 2017 at 1:29 pm

    He works security so gotta stay in shape. She done seen them thighs in a romper and told Sunkist Orange ✌????

    • TCK
      June 2, 2017 at 1:31 pm

      Used to play baseball too. OMGGGGGG!!

  25. Tasha
    June 2, 2017 at 1:49 pm

    The only thing that could make this juicier would be some Melania/Hank fanfic, complete with late-night lock-ins at Tiffany’s.

    • Maureen
      June 2, 2017 at 2:20 pm

      I write a ton of fanfiction. Political figures are not my usual subject but man, if I could come up with a fanfic for these two, I’d totally post it.

      • Shortcinema
        June 3, 2017 at 8:36 pm

        Please. Please do..

  26. Teyana Tevana
    June 2, 2017 at 2:02 pm
  27. Teyana Tevana
    June 2, 2017 at 2:02 pm
  28. Karen
    June 2, 2017 at 2:20 pm

    Facebook page is suddenly not available? That’s a tad suspicious…

    • KayCee
      June 2, 2017 at 3:12 pm

      It’s there. Just check him out. That dimpled chin, muscle man…I ain’t mad at Mrs. Cheetoh. Nope. Ain’t mad at her!

      • Shortcinema
        June 3, 2017 at 8:39 pm

        The arms. Did you see the arms?

  29. nonsoccermom
    June 2, 2017 at 2:33 pm

    “So she was stuck with him, and doomed to play the ornament in Satan’s tree of an administration.”

    I will be laughing about this for the rest of my life, forever and ever amen.

  30. notconvincedgranny
    June 2, 2017 at 2:39 pm

    Oh sweet white baby Jesus, I is on my way and please send Luvvie an extra blessing, AMEN!

  31. slswms
    June 2, 2017 at 2:53 pm

    No only was the gift from her bae bae’s job, but her inauguration outfit was an homage to her eggplant giver.

  32. KayCee
    June 2, 2017 at 3:17 pm

    Check out his FB page…is old dude married? Oh Lawd did the tea just get upped a notch?

  33. Angie
    June 2, 2017 at 3:37 pm

    This is the day Oprah created her Teavana Chai for. She knew it would be needed to discuss the burn that is fresh evidence that Tangelo Vienna Sausage Fingers is also Tangelo Vienna Sausage Penis.

  34. Yomi Bolo
    June 2, 2017 at 3:52 pm

    He’s not a security guard, he’s the Head of Security st Tiffanys. Do more research on him. Has a Bachelors degree in Criminal Justice as well. Not that it matters though.

  35. Sabine
    June 2, 2017 at 4:22 pm

    Omg. Name that guy! Or share a picture.

  36. Phoenix
    June 2, 2017 at 4:43 pm

    Sooooooo…I guess it’s a good time to reveal, I’ve a close friend whose daughter works in a NYC spa where a certain Lady regularly goes. GUESS who pays her spa bill and has been for a few years now ? Gorky Pig. So Miz M ain’t the only one playing in that particular sandbox. Everyone at the spa had to sign NDA so nothing juicy will come from there. I only know because I know parent of employee.

    You know, Miz M’s a millionaire in her own right. Aside from having signed an iron-clad NDA ( as ALL his wives do,as well as those who work for/with him) and prolly losing a couple mill though a highly punitive pre-nup, there’s NO anchor up her fanny. She absolutely can leave him, so you have ask yourself WHY she stays. Seriously. WHY stay with a man you so clearly loathe ? Life’s too short.

  37. Barbara Dutcher
    June 2, 2017 at 5:10 pm

    He is not a security guard! He is the head of global security! Pulleeese!

  38. Dana
    June 2, 2017 at 5:24 pm

    BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! How have I lived without you all these years? Subscribing.

    And, yeah, I keep wondering about Melania’s prenup. She must be getting *major* bucks, ’cause you *know* she didn’t look at Orange Julius and think “Oh, man, I have *got* to get me some of *that!*”

  39. Les
    June 2, 2017 at 7:37 pm

    Season 5 of House of Cards all day! He’s handsome.

  40. June 2, 2017 at 9:46 pm

    Yes the cheater is married to a Spanish girl name Quen lives Eastern long island

  41. kelly decker
    June 3, 2017 at 12:19 am

    You are brilliant.

  42. Frisky
    June 3, 2017 at 12:48 am

    I just had to add this, after your delicious reveal. Here’s a recommendation someone wrote for her man. Note the emphasis on “shrink reduction”! I bet that’s her department.

    Gary Johnson
    Security and LP expert | Shrink Reduction | Data Analytics | Cyber | Risk Mgmt | High-Performance Teams | CPP | Speaker

    February 11, 2009, Gary managed Hank directly

    I was fortunate to have hired Hank Siemers at Barnes & Noble where he performed at a high level and was a key contributor for nearly 4 years. Hank is a firm believer that the way to reduce shrink is through people and he’s passionate about “people development.” The LP Programs he developed fostered inclusion of all Associates towards a common goal of shrink reduction. I’ve enjoyed seeing Hanks career grow and it’s no surprise to me that he has been successful in his senior loss prevention leadership role at Tiffany & Company.

  43. June 3, 2017 at 1:29 am

    This is the best post EVER, ANYWHERE.

  44. Terry Cooper
    June 3, 2017 at 6:48 am

    I need this to be true.
    I need the affair to be older than Barron.
    I need Maury to say to Tiny Tanned Twitter Fingers “You are NOT the father!”
    Then call me home Lort. Cause I dun ded.

  45. Cherisse
    June 3, 2017 at 8:19 am

    Girrrr! GIRRRR! I needed ALL this laughter today! Come thru side peen! Come thru Melania joy! At least this makes me less worried that she is getting her azz whooped by 45. But CLEARLY their marriage is for optics only. Where are the pearls clutching white evangelicals? Will there be one?! Oh that’s right…they voted his anti-christ golden calf azz in! Smh! Welp, we may not be safe, but because of you sis, this titanic of a moment in our country’s history will go down with laughter!…and TEA!

  46. msbrome
    June 3, 2017 at 10:13 am

    I was told that the box Melania gave FLOUTUS was not a typical retail box and looked like a regifted specialty piece from past collections. So, it prolly WAS an insider employee gift, in some way.

  47. chester marx
    June 3, 2017 at 11:31 am

    Well now we’re Federally funding EVERYTHING.

  48. Natalie
    June 3, 2017 at 11:45 am

    I am lying next to hubby clutching my pearls at this scandal! Good Morning Star Shine! Olivia Pope would be so proud! Luvvie you are my hero as always and the Effie White comment almost got me demoted to the couch laughing out loud! I have come to the conclusion the country is now Gotham City and we are being held hostage by a true Batman Villain! Lawd when will the Black Knight arrive to save us all?!

  49. Betsy
    June 3, 2017 at 11:52 am

    Orange Mugabe?! LOVE YOU for that. Laughing!

  50. Raedon
    June 3, 2017 at 3:43 pm

    And the Oscar goes to: Awesomely Luvvie, for Marmalade Mugabe and Tangerine Voldemort!

  51. Renée
    June 3, 2017 at 4:15 pm

    This was monumental. You deserve a Pulitzer for Petty!

  52. Mary Burrell
    June 3, 2017 at 11:20 pm

    Melania and the Security Man from Tiffany her wearing that blue Jackie Kennedy suit and the Tiffany box she gave Michelle. Wow just ???? Wow! This sounds like something straight out of Scandal. The plot thickens.????

  53. Celeste Talbert
    June 4, 2017 at 6:31 am

    Luvvie just won the internet. “Pulitzer for Petty” LOL! Thank you for this- laughter through tears is my favorite emotion.

  54. conlakappa
    June 4, 2017 at 6:58 am

    As usual, they arrive lacking all subtlety and effort. Replying in the same section. When He What Oranges said he could shoot someone on the street and the support wouldn’t end, who knew that immunity conveyed to this woman and Hank Hitting That Spot?

  55. Fuck Barron
    June 4, 2017 at 5:11 pm

    Melania is just as much of a piece of shit as her gassy husband is. Everyone else has to foot the bill for her whore lifestyle and to keep Little Lord Fuckpants close to his “school chums”, like that’s supposed to be our fucking problem. What kind of woman doesn’t move into the WH when her husband becomes president? She’s a selfish worthless whore who that fat gasbag struts around with to give people the impression that he’s a virile, vital stud who bangs younger women, which is utter horseshit as it’s obvious that she wouldn’t go anywhere near that flaccid pick asswipe unless there was a giant pile of loot in it for her.

  56. MrsHullabaloo
    June 5, 2017 at 12:07 am

    Trying to decide what I love more: your clever witty writing, or the cheetolinis complaining about proper grammar and pivoting to Hillary. Bravo Luvvie!

  57. 1Chiq
    June 7, 2017 at 5:08 pm

    #DontCryForMeArgentina = #Priceless

  58. June 7, 2017 at 9:46 pm

    Marmalade Mugabe. Perfection

  59. June 9, 2017 at 6:12 am

    […] Is Melania Trump Getting Federally-Funded Side Peen? (Awesomely Luvvie, June 2, 2017) […]