Dear Maria Sharapova, You Should Release a Song Called Mad and Mediocre
Maria Sharapova is releasing a memoir titled Unstoppable and excerpts of the book came out. She fixes her mouth (and hands) to talk about Serena Williams in the book, and I just need to write her a letter because Maria got life all the way wrong, so she’s earned this sternly-worded letter.
I just wanted to congratulate you for winning this month’s “Oh You Tried It” award. Since you haven’t won something in a while, I figure that might bring you joy.
So you went on ahead and accosted us with a whole book written with ink made of white women tears and you forgot to use a self-awareness eraser when you were done. You wrote a losing ass memoir giving excuses about why you keep getting your ass kicked on the tennis court, and blamed Serena Williams for dominating you.
Clearly, you’ve been guzzling from Lake Bittertonka since 2004, which was the last time you were able to win in a match against SERENA THE GOAT (Greatest of All Time). 13 whole years ago was the last time you beat the greatest athlete to ever play tennis, and you’re so butthurt about it that you must have an abscess. She has wiped the floor with you 18 times in a row, even though you were illegally doping to give yourself an advantage. YOU COULDN’T EVEN DRUG YOUR WAY TO VICTORY. That’s so unfortunate. It’s nobody’s fault you ain’t got the range. Nobody but you.
Instead of giving Serena her due and her props, and kissing the ground she walks on, your “can’t even cheat and win” ass wrote a trash piece in your book about the woman who has been constantly reminded you that you have failed. A LOT.
“I think Serena hated me for being the skinny kid who beat her, against all odds, at Wimbledon. I think she hated me for taking something that she believed belonged to her. I think she hated me for seeing her at her lowest moment. But mostly I think she hated me for hearing her cry. She’s never forgiven me for it.
“First of all her physical presence is much stronger and bigger than you realize watching TV. She has thick arms and thick legs and is so intimidating and strong. It’s the whole thing—her presence, her confidence, her personality. Even now, she can make me feel like a little girl.”
No. FIRST of all, your publishers and editors read that shit and no one said “Ma’am, this is stupid. You’re too grown for this. We ain’t printing your Damsel in Distress bullshit.” That’s the first thing I’m mad about. There are gatekeepers for fuckshit that end up being released. I ALWAYS wonder where in the chain someone saw the foolishness and either chose to keep quiet or were overruled by the other fools in the room. Surely, someone read this and went “Hmmmm… I don’t think this should be included.” In that meeting where they tried to pipe up, the other ninnies were all “THIS IS SO GREAT, MARIA.” So they shrugged and said “oh well.”
Ultimately, though, this is on you, Maria. You, in all your Beckery and Caucasity. You hold a deep resentment for a Black woman who dominated a sport that was supposed to be for white folks. You somehow ascribe her success to a loss she suffered at your hands so long ago that nobody remembers. As if somehow losing to you gave her superpowers. NAWL, bish. If anything, Serena lost to your mediocre ass and said “Now I KNOW I need to get my shit together because that shouldn’t have happened.” But you outchea thinking she’s pinned up a picture of you in her locker and she stabs it with push pins before her matches for good luck. I mean, if she does, I’d totally understand and I lowkey wanna do the same before her matches too.
The part in this excerpt that makes me wanna trounce on a Beck is the part describing Serena’s physicality. Thick arms and thick legs?!? This is some racist shit. Everyone can’t look like Olive Oyl, Maria! The part that is wack here is as you describe her as if she’s some sort of giant named Gulliver, you’re 5 FULL inches taller. You make this woman seem like some amazon when she’s 5’9 and YOU are 6’2.
This is that thing that white people do, when they describe Black people in ways and words that make us seem Incredible Hulk. This isn’t even dog whistle, because it is blatant.
Out here saying Serena still makes you feel like a kid. YOUR #SELFOFSTEAM PROBLEMS AIN’T HER FUCKING BUSINESS. You overgrown, immature, no accountability having wimp. But Black women are used to having Maria ass white women around them. The girl who was mad you did better than her on the test in class, so she goes to the professor and says you might have cheated on it. The coworker who tries to shut down your ideas in meetings. The one who tells HR she feels like you are too aggressive, and she would like them to have a conversation with you about “tone.” This is par for our course. We are used to having to deal with weak white women who are actually angry that we excel beyond them.
In all of this, what insults me the most, Maria, is that you think you and Serena are actually rivals. BISH, RIVALRY MEANS YOU HAVE A CHANCE TO BEAT SOMEBODY. THIS AIN’T A RIVALRY. THIS IS A ONE-SIDED CONSTANT ASSWHOOPING-SHIP. It’s like when I went to the University of Illinois, and we thought the University of Michigan were our rivals in football. But every time the Illini played the Wolverines, they beat our ass. So our “MUCK FICHIGAN” shirts were met with shrugs from their side.
Maria, maybe if you spent more time practicing and getting your game right, and less time crying these salty Becky tears, you could have been a formidable opponent for Serena. I’m not saying you would have won (you wouldn’t have), but at least she might stretch before her matches with you. Instead, you’re committed to hustling backwards by whining, which is why you ain’t winning.
I just love how white folks make up history. You really called this book “Unstoppable” as if we don’t have your losses on tape. I’m about to call my memoir “All the Ass” since we can just make up random shit about ourselves.
Take up your losing with your coach, and keep Serena Williams’ name out your mouth. Besides, she just had a baby and she’s gonna get ready to whoop your ass with her eyes closed next year. Figure out how many buckets you’ll need to collect your tears then. You, Taylor Swift and Abigail Fisher gotta know that shutting the fuck up is free.
Forever side-eying you,
P.S. By the way, while you’re on your trail of tears, Serena’s home minding her business and getting ready for her wedding and raising the future queen of tennis, unbothered. BLOOP.
Y’all have to read this VerySmartBrothas piece on it. It’s so good I’m mad I didn’t write it.
Have you bought my NYTimes-bestselling debut book I’M JUDGING YOU: The Do-Better Manual? Haven’t ordered it yet? Now’s your chance. You’ll love it. Amazon. Barnes & Nobles. iBooks. Audible (I narrated the audiobook myself). Kobo. Books-A-Million.