Famous folks

Serena Williams’ Ass is My Patronus

Serena Williams’ ass is my spirit animal patronus (changed because the term “spirit animal appropriates Native American culture). I have said it once and I will say it again. Seriously. As one who wasn’t blessed with a lot of junk in her trunk, I do have ass envy. Remember the post I dedicated to Erykah Badu’s Badonk? Yes. I ALREADY HAD ASS ENVY! Then I saw this pic of Serena at the ESPYs.

Serena Williams Ass

*mouth drops*


Sweet Alabaster 5 lb 7 oz Brown Baby Jesus in that manger. GOOD GAWD!!! Serena Williams is smuggling 2 watermelons in that dress. Are 2 Verne Troyers just chilling on her backside? What is REALLY good? Talk about highly blessed and FAVORED!

Her ass needs to be incorporated as an LLC. THAT is it’s own legal entity. I betchu it has its own theme music and a band assigned to croon to it upon demand. You could sit a gallon of Simply Orange on her booty. Serena Williams’ booty needs to be commemorated on a limited edition stamp. I ain’t lying. Homegirl is STACKED.

Ok, I’ve been watching too much BET. Either way…

I AM NOT MAD! Well, I sorta am. WHY COME I AIN’T GET THIS ASS??? Oh. Well, because if I had this dunk, I’d walk around with nothing but body paint on, a smirk and a stank attitude. I’d be so disrespectful. I’d have NO friends. I’d be AWFUL. And I’d tell folks to refer to me as Ma’am ASSALOT, Duchess of Donk.

The Lawd be knowing. HE IS ALL KNOWING!!!

For a straight woman, I can be so mannish sometimes. SMH. Forgive me for objectifying Serena Williams in this way but am I the only one like :-O. Say I’m not so I can feel better bout being so mannish. lol

Am I alone in this? I am? Aight then. (-___-)

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  1. QueenBee
    July 14, 2011 at 1:08 pm

    You are not alone in your envy 🙂

    • July 14, 2011 at 1:13 pm

      *fist pump*

    • LuckBALady
      July 14, 2011 at 1:22 pm

      at all!!

    • December 29, 2011 at 3:46 pm

      Completely not alone.. AT. ALL. God knew exactly what he was doin when he gave me this extra 60 lbs to deal with…

  2. July 14, 2011 at 1:15 pm

    YES BASED JESUS YOU BE KNOWING! Serena’s ass was all it took to move aside when God said LET THERE BE LIGHT.. Before the world was dark and cold! Yep Rena got that donk I would plank upon most definitely..

    RENA CAME A LONG ASS WAY DOE.. She put on some looks!

    Serena look like she came from a long line of SKRONG ass thoroughbred slaves that fetched a lot of shillings bro… Bless Richard and Oracene!

    • July 14, 2011 at 1:20 pm


    • July 14, 2011 at 1:28 pm

      I died at “Serena look like she came from a long line of SKRONG ass thoroughbred slaves that fetched a lot of shillings bro… Bless Richard and Oracene!” DEAD. MURKED. Laid ALLAWAY out!

      I promise, erytime I see Serena, I hear that song that goes “DANCE! Too much booty in the pants!” She got enuff bootay to give me and Luvvie some cuffs, and still have a re-DONK-ulous rumpshaker left over!!

      • July 14, 2011 at 2:39 pm

        Ain’t LV disrespectful? Lmao! But yes, Serena does make me wanna do the Beyonce “oh oh oh” dance. But I won’t measure up so… :-/

    • July 14, 2011 at 1:37 pm

      bahahaaaaa don’t plank on her ass though!

      • July 14, 2011 at 2:37 pm

        TOO LATE!!! I don planked straight on her ass.

  3. DiaShoni
    July 14, 2011 at 1:21 pm

    I *have* an ass like that, and I agree with you. Just know it takes a lot of work (painful, painful work) to keep it looking like that.

    • July 14, 2011 at 2:41 pm

      YOU DO????? *puts chin in hands* *sits by your feet* Tell me… how does it feel? lolol

      • DiaShoni
        July 15, 2011 at 7:12 pm

        Right now? Hurts like hell. And my husband is upset cause it’s getting smaller (he says). Trust, if I could give you some, I would in a heart beat. Maybe then my pants would fit…

  4. mochazina
    July 14, 2011 at 1:22 pm

    can we also deal with this endorsement deal she has with either crisco or vaseline? thapichadonnlie

    • July 14, 2011 at 2:40 pm

      Them legs are OILED UP!!! Ain’t no ASH in her life. NO MA’AM!

      • September 10, 2013 at 8:28 pm

        ROTFLOL!!!!! with a side of AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I needed the laugh right now. From “Sweet Alabaster 5 lb 7 oz Brown Baby Jesus in that manger” to her ash-less life, I am in TEARS! LOL… And, nope, you are not alone.

        *Hi,my name is Ahesha. I also mannishly objectified Serena’s booty and her stallion legs* Whew, I feel better!

    • keisha brown
      July 14, 2011 at 8:16 pm

      i dont even KNOW you to QUIT you for that

      • mochazina
        July 19, 2011 at 8:14 am

        Would you like to have dinner with me sometime? LOL

  5. July 14, 2011 at 1:31 pm

    I’m SO with you. *raises hand* Hi, My name is Kween…and I’ve envied asses since HS and my HS crush eyed this one onion like he had nothing better to do than sat around and peel away the layers on her ass…

    yea…FLAT is what I am. I see asses like this and I hate. I hate and say, “That ain’t real…can’t be…” LMAO

    And you’re right…the LAWD is all SEEING. He saw that I’d be a high-falutin’ somabiscuit with the shelf ass and stank stare…~sigh~

    • July 14, 2011 at 2:38 pm

      YESSS!!! I ain’t the only one. I feel your struggle. I FEEL YOU!

  6. July 14, 2011 at 2:12 pm

    Chile…..there are not enough squats/lunges in the world.
    Serena’s ass is errythang mine isn’t.
    I’m not mad…I’ll just live vicariously through hers.

    “Well, because if I had this dunk, I’d walk around with nothing but body paint on, a smirk and a stank attitude. I’d be so disrespectful” <<< you know my heart!!!

    • July 14, 2011 at 2:37 pm

      I’d have to squat 24/7 for 7 yrs straight and e’em then… SMH.

    • MissMaryMack
      July 15, 2011 at 4:26 pm

      I swear I walk around all day thinking I’m the only one! My BF just told me today, “you check out more asses than I do!” and I’m like hells yeah! When you don’t have you gotta live vicariously… but the Good LAWD above knows what kinda bicked witch I would be if I had any semblance of a backside… he did give me boobs tho. walkin around lookin like the number nine!

  7. LB
    July 14, 2011 at 3:31 pm

    Yer Mostest Awesomelynessis,
    She is simply one of the most beautiful women there is.
    All the way around.

  8. July 14, 2011 at 3:48 pm

    Nope you are not alone. She has the ass of Titans Her body is ridic!! Nicki Minaj is no where near this (cuz Serena’s ass is real) so uhm yeah. She fly like paper…paper!!

    Yeah ain’t enough donkey kicks, sqauts, dead weight squats, bar squats, ballerina kicks, butterfly kicks to get me there! That is straight genetics!

    If I had that body…. yeah I would be ratched, no friends, and more than one man!!! Lawdt knows what he did!!! Uhn hmmm…. logs off to cry *ethug tears*

    • August 23, 2011 at 12:38 am

      “She has the ass of Titans”

      YES, LAWDT!!!

  9. banshees_R_us
    July 14, 2011 at 3:49 pm


    i cant even begin to know how to acheive such gloriousness as this….lunges and squats? i could be lunging my way all around this blue marble and STILL wont have a portion of this! i am in awe!!

  10. July 14, 2011 at 4:57 pm

    “Dutchess of Donk”!? Game. Set. Match.

  11. amy
    July 14, 2011 at 5:45 pm

    Mine is similar and…well, it’s a dang RESPONSIBILITY. Growin up people used to just touch it. TOUCH IT!! I thought for years “deeeeeeaaaam” was a greeting!

  12. Dr. Kiti
    July 14, 2011 at 11:16 pm

    I was a skinny minnie all through school. When I got to college I started taking birth control and because it was college I ate a lot of bagels, sandwiches, poor student food. As a result, at the end of freshman year I came home from school and folks was like “where you get that ass at???”

    First, I’d like to thank sweet, sweet Jesus for inventing birth control and carbs. They are mine friends.

    Second, I’d like to thank one of my best friends for calling attention to it during a party. Homegirl stopped the music and everythang to make the party give my ass a round of applause.

    However, I found that dudes was making dates with my ass walking through the mall. My husband calls it ‘The Ass That Ate Richmond (Ca)”. Yes, it is a chore. Lot’s of squats, lunges, kicks and other foolishness ‘The Man’ invented to keep us down.

    • L. Fortune
      December 29, 2013 at 8:18 pm

      ‘Where you get that ass at???’ LMAO!!! I swear I can hear the shock and admiration in their voices. LOL.

  13. Jazz
    July 15, 2011 at 7:41 pm

    Her body is my motivation. Already have the butt- the combo of my father and my mother pretty much guaranteed I was gonna have a butt. I just need to lose a few pounds. Only problem is that my jeans NEVER fit at my waist. If I buy my waist size , then the jeans will not fit.

  14. Sha Sha
    July 15, 2011 at 8:49 pm

    LMAO @ “Ma’am ASSALOT”!! Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to donate unwanted booty to a “Booty Bank” so that those of us who are less fortunate (aka Assless) can apply for the hookup. Leave home with the flat back, come home with da DONK!! I would sign up so quick!!!

  15. LE
    July 18, 2011 at 10:50 pm


  16. Dinasty2.0
    July 19, 2011 at 1:42 pm

    GOODNESS! Luvvie, you crack me the hell up. I’ve been lurking in the shadows, reading, but I just needed to let you know.

    Yes GAWWWWD knew what he was doing. He spared the rest of us in the world from the ratchetness you would display if you had an ass like Serena or Erykah.

    But seriously, I need to know what Serena’s conditioning/training is because I swear I noticed while in college that girls who play tennis and volleyball and have the best bodies imaginable.

  17. Goosey
    July 23, 2011 at 4:31 am

    The only thing I admire about Serena Williams is her awesome athletictism(sp?) Her monstrous ass is way over the top the way a triple F size bust is. There is nothing sexy about it – just ask all the men who are NOT banging down her door.

  18. […] enjoyed the trip. All that food I ate. Lemme find out I’ma be one step closer to having an ass like Serena’s. LEMME FIND […]

  19. December 29, 2011 at 2:44 pm

    “Her ass needs to be incorporated as an LLC.”

    I’m still wiping the tears from my eyes…

  20. Mare
    December 29, 2011 at 4:15 pm

    Stop hatin’ those biyatches who get implants aren’t feelin’ you and the other chicks who invented the brazilian butt thingermajigga! nor those who are fixen’ er’ up with fix a flatass and cement! saddown an pay homage!!! lol!

  21. […] of you up and throw you at each other for shits & giggles? I really wish she would. Either way, Serena and her donk of glory ain’t thinking bout […]

  22. Elle
    January 11, 2012 at 1:01 pm

    I should NOT have read this while sitting in a quiet office at work. I laughed so hard yet forced myself to not make any noise. Severe chest pains was the ending result. Lol ! You’re freaking hilarious and yes, that woman has donk for days !

  23. […] we’re just picking any ol’ body, I want Serena Williams to play me in my biopic. Since her ass is my spirit animal. (-_-) Related […]

  24. Desiree
    September 10, 2013 at 8:00 pm

    Her ass been the topic of my hopes and dreams physically since the Lycra suit she wore that one night of our lord and savior. Since then, I knew I wanted a booty like that! The Serena booty is highly revered! She has the body of a superhero with her ass being the weapon of mass destruction! SALUTE! Wait, did someone say her booty is not thee Shit???!!!??? Why is thou hating tho??? smdh

  25. September 10, 2013 at 8:16 pm

    Luvvie you are not alone (in my Michael Jackson voice) LAWDHABMERCY!!! I thank the Lawd he didn’t bless me with that booty….not only would I be walking around in 4inch heels & a 2 piece bathing suite no matter the weather….but I would NOT have friends….Serena’s booty look like she got 1 bald head Gary Coleman’s under that dress….her body is thick curvy and DOPE!

  26. Smoovebeauty
    September 10, 2013 at 8:32 pm

    I hear the “Rocky” music playing!

  27. September 10, 2013 at 8:41 pm

    I QUIT you Luvvie!! I QUIT YOU!!
    And all the commenters in this blog! Lol

  28. Krystal
    September 10, 2013 at 8:44 pm

    Dagnabit, frikkin Luvvie! I lvoe you and hate you at the same time for what you do to me!!! I am just now getting myself up off the flo from the Michelle Obama heckler post (yes, I’ve been slain in the spirit that long from that one post!) and now you did it again! If I ain’t up in time to make my Jamaician spiced honey baked turkey for Thanksgiving, I’m comin’ for you!!!!!!

    If I looked like her, I’d be completely stank, breaking air quality laws, and wholly disrespectful to all in a 50 mile radius! Now let me lay out and convince Jesus I’d still be a child of God if he blessed me to put down these wings, work out, and look like that gal!
    (…but before I lay out, I need to finish this Wingstop!)

  29. September 10, 2013 at 9:42 pm

    Hilarious!!!! Absolutely too funny for words. I am in tears! However she is blessed with a beautiful well endowed body!!! For sure:)

  30. Shannon K.
    September 10, 2013 at 9:46 pm

    That is just not fair. I was mad about not being blessed in the boob department and now you got me upset about my ass too. Thanks Luvvie.

  31. Nye Rye
    September 10, 2013 at 9:56 pm

    “WHY COME I AIN’T GET THIS ASS??? Oh. Well, because if I had this dunk, I’d walk around with nothing but body paint on, a smirk and a stank attitude. I’d be so disrespectful. I’d have NO friends. I’d be AWFUL. And I’d tell folks to refer to me as Ma’am ASSALOT, Duchess of Donk”

    This made me cackle loudly and I almost woke my kids fooling with your crazy behind…but so true for us ass challenged folks.

  32. Rico
    September 11, 2013 at 3:47 am

    This is what Sexual Chocolate is. Even OJ could appreciate that!

  33. Kwan
    September 11, 2013 at 9:25 am

    Having a badonk is like having bog boobs it’s truly a blessing and a curse. It’s good for looks but sometimes it gets in the way, shopping is truly mission impossible.

    I have a nice one, but I wouldn’t mind going through the hassle of having Serenas glorious cakes.

  34. […] at Serena Williams, whose yansh is my spirit animal. Her body is amazing, her ginormous ass is real and she ain’t afraid to flaunt it. AND […]

  35. jem
    October 19, 2013 at 1:30 am

    Lady you need to visit Africa. A flat ass is shocking, not a big one 🙂

    • October 19, 2013 at 1:04 pm

      I was born and raised in Nigeria, ma’am. I know.