Dear Baby Bangs Creator
Mkay so I thought I was gonna be done with the baby hairhattery foolishness for real, but apparently not. Yesterday morning, the creator of Baby Bangs left a comment on the blog I wrote about her idiotic product, so y’all know I gotta respond in a letter to her. I typically only write one letter per week but this was necessary. But first, here is the comment she left me.
REBUTTAL to NEGATIVE Feedback Responses to Baby Bangs! .HAIR+band.
Ok, so it seems there are many bloggers, readers, followers etc… out there that are opposed to my creation ‘Baby Bangs! .HAIR+band.’. I just wanted everyone to know and PLEASE be rest asssured that Baby Bangs! were, by NO means, created to harm a baby in any way, shape or form. Baby Bangs! were created as a fun-fashion NOVELTY hair accessory alternative for babies who have little or no hair.
These are not intended to be used or worn ‘all day, every day’, they are just something different than the ordinary hair accessories made for the baldy baby. Baby Bangs! can safely and comfortably be worn for glam pictures, dress up, family outings, weddings, holidays, pageants, etc., and unlike the Baby Toupee, whether they are used for fun or fashion, Baby Bangs! will give the child a realistic appearance of having a true head full of hair.
Baby Bangs! are a fun way to allow mothers of bald baby girls the opportunity of seeing their little one with hair, and also gives them a very unique change from the ordinary. PLUS they make a great conversation piece…(as we see here…) and will certainly be the most talked about baby shower gift of ALL! LOL!
Baby Bangs! are a NEW and UNIQUE HAIR ACCESSORY made FOR BABY GIRLS that is constructed with wispy hair strands hidden secretly inside of an ORDINARY elastic headband that can safely be worn for FUN or FASHION.
Hopefully this post will clear up any misunderstandings.
Dear Creator of Baby Bangs (Lisa Whatsherface),
First, I see you are on top of your Google game and found my blog post. Good job. Market research is of utmost importance. Now that the only nicety I have to say is out the way, let me get to the nitty AND the gritty by responding to the TOME of a comment you left me at 6am in the morning our good Lord has made happen.
1. What is with the exclamation point at the end of Baby Bangs!? Does it mean that we’re supposed to holler the name whenever it is uttered? iRefuse. In fact, I just wanna whisper it whenever I mention it. Besides, doesn’t Yahoo! have that whole exclamation point thing on lock?
b. You say the baby hairhattery wasn’t created to harm babies but I don’t believe you. You need a plethora of people, including that village they say it takes to raise a child. Yes. The entire village. How can you force a lil innocent child to rock something as nonsensical as baby bangs and say you mean no harm? The coercion is harm enough. Lady, don’t piss on me and call it a golden shower from the Zeus.
By the way, a fun fashion accessory for a baby is not hair made of polyurethane, rayon, spandex and viscose. A fun accessory is a cute bow, or a plain headband, with no hair attached.
3a. I see that you listed the various events that baby bangs can come in handy. But would it not suck if in the middle of the family picture with Great Great Granny Bertha, Lil Susie decides that her faux follicles itch, and yanks it off. As the whole family looks on horrified and the photographer snaps the pic. Is that what you want??? A busted moment forever captured in infamy?
IV. Yes, baby bangs make a great conversation starter. But so does “The many uses of SPAM”. I guess any conversation about your product is good one huh? Even if it includes me shouting from the rooftops about how bad of an idea it is.
No, your comment does not clear up any misunderstandings. Your product is still as ridiculous (if not more) than it was when I first tripped and fell upon it. There is no justification for this that could make me nod my head and say “Well, since you put it that way…”. Just… no.
You’re gonna have our poor daughters now feeling some kind of way for not being blessed with visible coif from birth. There are some adorable bald babies out there. I was blessed with an afro from the womb, but even if I had no hair, I woulda been pissed if I found old pics of me rocking some jheri curl wig. Messing up all my Baby Adorabo-ness. Mama woulda had some ‘splaining to do.
Please go sat down somewhere and burn your entire inventory (Wait. Since these are all manmade synthetics, that could be hazardous to all our healths. We may need to just throw them all in a waterproof capsule and throw it in the ocean, never to be mentioned again).
Alls I know is, I’m done with all of this. iCant expend anymore energy on foolishness as such. It brings down my property value when I could be out
finding new places to buy rice, roasting other horrible ideas saving the world. But noooo I had to lecture a grown woman on the error of her idea. Womp.
P.S. My original Baby Bangs Foolishness post was featured on The Black Snob‘s page yesterday. Watch my feets, watch my feets (virtual feets, of course).