Mama Bolt’s Disappointment is Universal Mom Love Language
There is no one who can bring you down to Earth better and quicker than your own mother. It seems that once you have a child, your shade savant abilities triples, and your gift of petty is enhanced. From the way moms can cut that look that will quickly make you sit down, to the insults they throw your way that you don’t even realize until a clean 20 minutes later, after they’ve left the room.
I look forward to that day.
As the Olympics are going on and certain athletes are dominating, media is interviewing their friends and family. Usain Bolt‘s mom, Jennifer Bolt, was interviewed on CNN. Gold medal be dambed, she surely wished he was married.
This look on her face had me CACKLING. West Indian moms ain’t got no chill, just like African moms. Because yes, I can definitely hear a Nigerian mom saying: “EHHH. You can get a whole gold medal but you can’t get a wife/husband. See your life.”
Usain outchea breaking world records and having folks wonder why his opponents even show up for races anymore and his mom is like “that fool needs to get a family.” I LOVE IT.
The measure of success for many parents is their lineage continuing. Too bad they gotta depend on some of us who ain’t always about their life. Y’all better get your pet games up!
Basically, Mama Bolt’s disappointment face is just an expression of her love language. There should be six: quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, physical touch and bugging your kids to settle down.
We talked about this on my Awesomely Luvvie FB page and this is a universal experience. #AllShadyMomsMatter
Soca: The way this made me HOLLA!!! lol I can hear her too ” cho..yuh nah get no wife yet ?? all dem race you a run…me waan gran’pikney…slow down”
Danielle: Exactly. How can he find a wife if he’s always moving at the speed of sound? LOL!
Cindy: I wouldn’t expect any different from the African parents. Where you think the West Indian parents got it? It came over with Africans, been handed down mother to child ever since. 😉
Gracie: Ehh mi gawd! I got into Harvard for my masters and told my mom. My mother’s response? “So? Since when is education a husband? Can you marry school? Go marry your books jare.” Me: -_-
Eliza: Ghanaian parents too. My mum finds a way to bring a husband and grand babies into every conversation reminding me that I’m not getting any younger and the white handkerchieves she has been saving for my wedding are turning yellow. “Oh Akua, the devil is sitting on your destiny right now! ” Talk about giving you a serious dose of self esteem! ????????????????????????
Danielle: There is nothing as shady as a woman who wants grandkids and doesn’t see it happening fast enough for her liking. “I’m not getting any younger, you know. I’d like to have grandbabies while I’m fit enough to play with them. Shirley has 4 grandchildren with a 5th on the way. You can’t find a decent woman and give me ONE?”
Judy: I’m in the process of buying a house mind you I have two degrees and a good job and my mom starts wailing why can’t you buy a house with a husband!!!! I just hung up the phone. Then she starts going in about me being a bridesmaid in my friend’s wedding and starts screaming the next wedding will be your own!!!! Sigh!!!
Sara: My mother has started sending me articles about freezing my eggs. -_- Which has made Facebook send me ads about freezing my eggs. -_- -_-
Jenny: Asian parents too! LoL you can cure A.I.D.S. for an Asian parent & they’ll be like “are you ever getting a husband?”. ⚰ “She no have husband. She cure A.I.D.S.” (in their sarcastic voice)”
Ari: See yourself jo, you must find a good husband make sure he’s Yoruba ooo – My Dad, everyday.
Anna: Well at least his mother hasn’t given up on him getting married. On the weekend of my graduation for my MBA my mother just asked for her grandchild. I asked her how mom there’s no man in my life and she said “I don’t care anymore I’m getting old” ???? #wellthisisnew
Megan: I was just about 31 when 16 weeks pregnant with my daughter. I called my parents to announce; my dad says yay, and I shit you not, my mother says, “It’s about damned time”. I hung up on her.
Anna: The funny thing is I gave her a grandchild. My son is 12. But she says 1 child doesn’t count anymore. I’m like are you kidding me?!
Lesha: I told them, I’m done. This baby almost killed me, pre-eclampsia almost killed us both at 32 weeks. You have a son with no kids, talk to him! She leaned in and whispered, “I think he’s gay. I’m not sure. What do you think?” Woman, if you don’t leave us alone!!!
Lakesha: No pressure!!! My mother told me AS SHE WAS DYING, no lie!! I would’ve liked a grandchild from you. … (This is the memory you’re leaving me with?!?!?!? ). ????????????????
Luvvie: YOOOOO!!! Being petty on the deathbed is PEAK GOALS. lolol
Brooke: Creole parents. SAME. Son of Single Creole Mom. SAME.
“But did you find a husband? Should have worn your hair in a ponytail and not a bun. Maybe you should eat something. Or cook a pot of beans.”
Cindy: Oh my God, the cooking! If I heard my Daddy once, I heard him a thousand times: “I done tell allyuh little girls, the face powder is to catch a man, but the baking powder is to keep him, yuh know.”
Jese: My 94 year old great aunt to me and my single and childless sister – both college educated, independent, home owning, good job having women- at our daddy’s funeral – Nan one y’all still ain’t got nan husband?”
Me – No ma’am
Ain’t Rhea – Y’all know how to make biscuits?
Me – No ma’am
Ain’t Rhea – That’s why y’all ain’t got nan husband
#southernaunties????
Leela: Sounds like my mom. I remember calling my mom crying in med school cause I was so overwhelmed and stressed out. Her response: “Well if you just wore make up and acted more ladylike you could find a boyfriend.” My parents gave up and got a dog
Julieth: Child: mama I brought home gold ????”
Parent: where is the wife/ husband and child along with it?”
Child: Ma…
Parent: I see you want to end our generation, eh? What’s success without my grandkids?
Child: I just don’t want children or wife/husband now, ma…
Parent: *deals death blow*
*sigh* ???? nawa…
Eyeola: Lmao! I can hear it now, “See your life….WHILE YOUR MATES are busy getting married and having children you are here, languishing…but wetin be your wahala?”
Marla: Moved to China now in Nigeria teaching and all I get from some fam is…”but wait Maaaahlaaa?! Mi nah undastand! So yuh nah wan get married eh?! Cha!” #mylifeasaJamaican
Tisha: My mom was listening to some communication tapes and as I was getting dressed to go out she was like “you should listen to this, it will help you speak to anyone…..and help you find a husband.” I damn near poked my eye with my mascara wand.
Danielle: Black Southern Old people! I had just graduated from Stanford. My bro was at Duke, my sis in college too. She says: ” Hmm… your brother and sister both have somebody, but I guess you gon have your degree to keep you warm at night.”
Bev: It’s the truth Luvvie “Uhmm hmm- (Jamaican speak for yes) – but a time u tap run up an dung wid de whole heep a gal gal dem now. Pick one nuh! Jezas Crise!! ????????????
Andrea: Latin parents be like: “That’s nice but have you seen what your younger sibling is doing?! They graduated from high school not would be nice if YOU graduated from high school but you’re running. Like a criminal. Why you always running?”
Kachi: Don’t forget that ever hateful teeth sucking. “Tsss eh now! When you are ready we will go to the village and find a father with a stubborn son for you.” nah, I’m good tho, really!
Maya: Jewish Russian parents- “when are you having another baby?!, I won’t be alive forever you know!”
Beth: My mom: when are you having children?
Me: never
Mom: you think about depriving me of grandchildren when they’re throwing the dirt on my grave
Me: ????
Jillian: Well I graduated from Columbia University and am an attorney, so one day I am over at my parents house while they were having something with their cable repaired and my West Indian mother decided to take matters into her own hand by playing matchmaker and trying to hook me up with the cable guy…..SERIOUSLY!!!!! My father on the other hand complained all the time that it seems like he will not be getting any grandchildren from me……Sir, you already have at least 15 grandchildren and a few great-grandchildren so your lineage is safe……..CHAAAAAA!!!!!
Sandra: My mom talks about babies in every phone call and tells me “I won’t go to heaven if I die without holding your child.”
Keith: Yup. I get it from my very Christian grandma…
Her: “you need to find a good, Christian woman who loves you for you…”
Me: “I’m not looking for anyone right now, Gram”
Her: “And children. Your sister already has 2 & she’s younger than you…”
Me: “Well…”
Her: “They’ll be lowering me into the ground before you finally have a child…”
Rob: Mexican mom: “why do you want to move away to go to graduate school? don’t you love us? you should stay here and give me grandbabies instead”
Y’all gon stop disappointing these folks and get married and birth these babies!
P.S. Before someone rolls up here with “Not All Moms” save your breath and let’s get these jokes off.
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Oh the shade…
grandmother (now deceased…rest her beautiful sole): you should have a baby.
me: huh? where did that come from?
g-ma: don’t worry, i’ll take care of the illegitimate child. we both know you ain’t tryin to get married.
me: -_-
*soul…not sole. sheesh. shade even in the afterlife…
HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAH — That made me snort but for real though.
Dang! That’s was cold (and funny!)
My baby is 4 MONTHS old and my dad asked ‘if’ i was planning to have another one. The quotes are because I think he meant ‘when’ but didn’t want to say.
I said ‘Not for a while’ and he says ‘You don’t have a while [I’m 37], you need to think about it now’ .
This is after he bugged me for years about the first one.
The same thing would have been said by a Nigerian parent…lol…
Parent: ehhh, all of this gold but you cannot find a wife so that I can have grandchildren. Go and bring me grandchildren. What is track? Are you a cheetah to be running up and down? Track my foot. Go and find a wife so that I can have grandchildren.
Child: But mom, I do not want to get married yet.”
Parent: Ah, Ah. Why did I born you? Did you know I brought you into the world so that you can take care of me when I get old and bring me grandchildren? Ah, see trouble oh. All I want is grandchildren. I am getting old and do not want to leave this earth without seeing my grandchildren. Lord, why ohhhh. My son and daughter want to kill me.
Lol…lol…lol
I died and came back at “Track my foot.” ROFL.
I died at “Are you a cheetah…” #Weak
Not a cheetah!!!!!!
As soon as I walked down the aisle: “When are we expecting?” Me: Can I enjoy this moment?
——–
After birthing my child, upon leaving the hospital:
Filipino nurse: “See you next year!”
Caucasian nurse: “See you in 2 years!”
Nigerian/Igbo grandma, aunties, friends as we entered any building: “When is the next coming?”
Me visit [all of the above]: We’ll see.
I hadn’t even healed from the birth!
My West indian mother when my son was about 4: I am fine with 1 grandchild
A week later, we are out shopping and see a beautiful little girl:
Mom: Oh! She’s so cute! Don’t you want one?!
me: Ma, that’s a kid, not a puppy!
I met my boyfriend (later, husband’s) grandmother in Oklahoma for the first time. I introduced myself. I was very polite. I grabbed her anything she asked for, I did a little light house work for her. ALL WITHIN AN HOUR OR SO. Finally, everyone had left the room for some reason and we spoke one on one.
“So, you ain’t got no chilluns (children)?”
“No, mamn, I do not.”
“Why not?”
“Well I was in school for a long time, and I’m not even married yet.”
“You sure, NO CHILLUNS?”
“No, mamn.”
“And you how old?”
“28.”
“Well you probably can’t have any anyway then. Too bad because you you look alright.”
“… … ………”
I just kind of sat there quietly for a while.
I DID END UP HAVING A KID, WITH HER GRANDSON, BUT OF COURSE MEMAW HAD ALREADY GONE ON TO PETTY GLORY.
Petty Glory. Amen.
Oh my gosh!! I damn near fainted because I SCREEEEAAMED!!! GOD forgive me for how I laughed at memaw going home to petty glory!!! ???????????????? I can’t with you!! Too funny thanks!!
Laughed so hard my son thought I was crying. Memaw better send you some kind of petty sign that she sees you! But if she did, it would probably be hinting at baby 2.
I JUST HOLLERED in the quietest coffee shop ever. HAHAHAHAH. “Memaw’s petty glory” DED.
My Mexican mama: (note: I’m straight– that’s important to the story.)
I was making salsa when I told her my best friend (who is a lesbian) was getting married: Mama shakes her head, humphs and said “Well you missed that boat. You could have married her years ago and had the babies. You would have been the wife of a doctor.”
Me: “Um, I am a doctor mama.”
Mama: “Eh you just have a PhD. She’s a doctor who saves people’s lives. I want grand babies! Who is gonna give me fat, brown, grand babies? You have failed on this one with men mija, and now you let your best friend who is a doctor get away! And we like her! She’d make a fine daughter-in-law! *she pauses, sees me reaching for the food processor* And don’t you use that food processor! Pound out those chiles by hand cabrona!”
I looked at my dad and he’s leaving the room laughing his ass off pointing at me.
There aint no shade like Mexican mom shade.
I think this one is my favorite, I am literally cackling. I love your mother, I only pray my petty is up to her caliber when my son grows up. ????
This right here is Petty Level Platinum. I lost it when she wouldn’t let you use the food processor. She’d rather you change your sexual preference altogether than remain single! LOL
“You just have a PhD” lmfao she won that war
Your mama is the real VIP of shade! ROFL!
My mom gave up on me having kids a long time ago so instead she made me watch some damn Power Point presentation with clip art & stock photos about how kids need to take care of their aging parents and not leave them in nursing homes! I was like, barely out of college making $10/hr and thinking, “They surely aren’t going to live with me in my 1BR apartment!!”
My mom came home with 2 high chairs for her grandkids when I was… 12. Honestly. It was such a relief to pass the age when my eggs shriveled up and died (28) so I didn’t have to hear about this anymore. (She got rid of the high chairs when I was 22.)
I am so enjoying that his happened to a man. I’m sorry but every day over 30 as a woman is a constant reminder to start birthing babies. It’s about time the baby nagging playing field got leveled, and on the world stage too! My apologies if a “not all moms” troll shows up but some of these hilarious examples aren’t about mom’s — they’re about dads, grandparents, aunts, etc. My mom was chill but the rest of my family thought my uterus was supposed to be a constant topic of discussion at each and every family gathering.
I feel you about the family members. I’m finally in my 40s & even when I tell them that ship has sailed I still get the “but women over 40 still have babies line.” I usually say “well you have them & pay for them & I’ll consider having one but oh wait I helped you raise your kids.” I’ve become good at the shut it down game.
Ha ha
I usually have these convos….
Random family member: When you going to have babies? Forget marriage just at least 1 kid is fine
Me: Man I helped raise your kids what I need one for?
Random family member: Don’t you want to have someone take care of you when you get old?
Me: What like you and your sisters take care of your mom? Please spare me
Random family member: Come on don’t let the family line die out
Grandma: Leave her alone with all these babies in the family if she wants one she can just pick one up from her cousin. She’s got 8 and 1 on the way. She can just shop for a kid….just pick a size and shade.
My mom (says nothing but laughs out loud)
***Large Southern family & I’m the oldest most responsible grandchild*** Grandma and mom have my back LOL
Whenever my mother starts to ask my permanently single butt about meeting her son-in-law, I remind her that Paul had admonished the Corinthians to remain unattached if they could. #donotcomeformemummy
This!! I’m 35, divorced, no kids, and am not even trying to date anyone again…ever. I’m using this on my mom since she likes her Biblical references. Last week she told me she had a dream I was pregnant with twins, no husband in the dream just the twins, and that if Sarah could have a baby when she was over 90yo, God could bless me with two at my age. I told her the immaculate conception was a one-time thing, and if I was pregnant with twins she better fall at the feet of Jesus because those babies may usher in the apocalypse. My mother lives with me, so you can imagine the pressure and shade I experience on a daily basis.
She’s running game. Everybody knows that the pregnant dreams are of fish, not babies.
LMAO!!
“She no have husband. She cure A.I.D.S.” (in their sarcastic voice)”
DEAD
Right?! I heard it in my head and about passed out.
32. no kids. single. no prospects….my mom is fine with it. she knows the dating struggle in ATL. I think I can hold her off until I get to the other side of 35…My dad on the other hand…even though he has close to 15 grandkids between my two brothers…his world won’t be right until his baby girl gives him one. But why tho!?!? You have 15 other ones and half the girls look just like me…Just let me live!!!
We gave my mutha 2 grandsons. When they were 15 and 11 My husband let my mom convince him that 2 was not enough… She and he conspired a plan and plotted against me to “oops” another baby…
The look on their faces when I’m crying about finding out I was pregnant while they are trying to hide the smiling and giggling like Pinky and The Brain after finally taking over the world…priceless.
Fisticuffs are in order.
My dad told me I would need to reimburse the cost of raising me if I failed to produce a baby. He wasn’t joking.
I am over 40 and have never been married and I have no children. This past Mother’s Day, my dad gave me a gift. And I was like, what? He gave me two wine glasses so that I could have a toast when my significant other shows up. Sweet, but sort of random. I hope he didn’t waste his money, especially since I don’t have a full set. LOL
Grandma to “Collegiate me:” Get that degree. Get a job. Get married, but not to that boy. I don’t like him. Give your mama grandchildren. She deserves them.
Grandma to ” early-20s, single, employed, me:” Where are the children? You know what? You ain’t even gotta be married no more. Just have us a baby.
Grandma to “late-20s, single, UNemployed, graduate student me:” When me and ya granddaddy dead and gone, you’ll wish you had that baby so we could see it. You don’t need a job to have a baby. You ain’t know that? You’ll make a way when you need to. We’ll help you take care of it.
Grandma AND Ma to “30-year-old me:” You got that good man. When y’all gonna get married? Why y’all ain’t made no baby yet? You scared it ain’t gonna be cute? He looks like he’ll make cute little brown babies. Doesn’t his momma want a grandbaby? Your sister gave us a child. Why can’t you? You got all these degrees but no children. How old are you? You playing around like you got a lot of time left. Stop helping all these other folks raise their kids and have you one before your eggs dry up.
I am in my 50’s. I cannot go away for the weekend without my mother asking if I “met anybody” talking bout, “I can still adopt.”
This kilt me absolutely #DEAD LOL!
“Gracie: Ehh mi gawd! I got into Harvard for my masters and told my mom. My mother’s response? “So? Since when is education a husband? Can you marry school? Go marry your books jare.” Me: -_-“
Sister just got a new boyfriend and last time I went to see my mom, she asked her about him. Mind you, she does this EVERY time we see my mom and EVERY time she is dating someone. Her response:
Mom: I’m just so happy for you. He sounds like such a nice guy!
(slowly turns to me)
And now we need to work on finding a man for your sister…
BUT WHERE’S YOUR MAN MOM?!?!?!?!?!
I have 3 daughters 30, 30 and 32. No sons-in-law and no grandbabies from either of them. I silently send them pictures of me holding other people’s grandbabies and all the “isn’t he/she cute” pictures that circle facebook. #pettypower #mygirlsarebadthough #imausethelinesfromthispost
49 years old, missing monthly cycles off and on for 2 years, accepting that I’m peri-menopausal and right before I turned 50 I get a full on monthly. Mentioned it to my mom and she said all excited “this is a good sign I can still get a grandchild!”
Wait? What?
Just know they never stop hoping.
True Story: I married a black Honduran man. I met his auntie at the wedding for the first time. There I am in my wedding dress making the rounds at my reception, when this little brown woman charges up to me, bear hugs me, grabs me by the shoulders, and announces in a heavy Spanish accent. Mi amor, I am Tia Gogo! I WANT TO BE THE GODMOTHER!”
Me: *blinks*
84 year old Southern Grandmother to Single, 31 year old, Well – Employed Me: “Am I gonna have any grand kids before I die?”
Me: -_- what?!
Nana: *sucks teeth* you heard me
Me: Nana, You have GREAT – GREAT – GRANDCHILDREN!!
Nana: So…ain’t none of ’em yours!!
Uhhhh, I was getting waxed once by my older, Greek esthetician.
Her: “You have kids yet?”
Me: legs apart….OMG “heh, no…maybe someday”
Her: “Don’t worry- I can’t tell. But at your age (28), you should start thinking about it- your mom is waiting”
WUT. DID MY MOTHER CALL THIS WOMAN? WHY DURING A WAX
i’ve read this article and died laughing. i cackled to all of the colors of the wind and the blue corn moon. i’ve just turned 35 a month ago and i’ve been getting ALL of these comments ever since it was deemed appropriate (when i was 19) by my family to discuss procreation.
here’s a sample of what I have dealt with –
My Grandfather (may he rest in peace): “I don’t want my family line to die off.”
Mind you, between my three older cousins, they have given the man 5 great-grandchildren.
My Mother (may she rest in power): “I want to be able to play with my grandchildren, not chase them in a Hov-Around.”
Me: *face palm* “Really Ma?”
Various Other (blood) Family Members: “So, when are going to add to the family tree?”
Me: (thinking to myself) This is why I’ve never brought a boyfriend to the family reunion.
Church Family:
My Current Associate Pastor: “You know how to cook, girl? Don’t no man want a wife that can’t cook.”
A Former Pastor: “Why aren’t you married yet? You’ll make some young man a fine wife.”
Various other Members: “You work so well with kids. Why don’t you have any yet?”
My Response: “I want to do it the right way – marriage before kids.”
Their Response: “God will forgive you if you have a child out of wedlock.”
Me: …… 0_o
My Younger Sister Since she has had a Child: “Your nephew wants a cousin or two to play with. Are you going to deprive him of that?”
Me: “A, do you want a cousin or do you want my undivided attention?”
Nephew’s Response: *baby babble*
Me: “He has spoken – he doesn’t want to share.”
Even my friends who are mothers and fathers have gotten in on the act!
#iCan’t
Church folk are the WORST!! And if you grew up in that church – forget about it. Every Sister so-and-so feels entitled to question you about your uterus. And you can’t really check them that hard because your mother and Jesus are watching. I told my mom I will only go to that church on holidays because I can’t take the year-round assault on my reproductive system.
I feel like, this post and comments will provide inspiring ideas for parents to a) get better ways to shut down our excuses for not having children/significant other b) perfect their shade throwing abilities c) get different was of asking us about our “progress” d) throw more shade… Did we play ourselves…? ????????
Yes. A mum, with daughters in their 30s, commented above that she may just start using some of these lines ????????????
There is so much….
When I graduated college and standing in the grounds in my robe, Mommie says, “I paid cash for you to come here. I wasted my money because you’re getting a BS with no Mrs.” It didn’t help it was on Mother’s Day
Daddy bought me a grandfather clock. It’s really big too. And it didn’t come on a gift day. He says, “I want to be a grandfather through you and you don’t have much time”
Since I’ve been married twice, my mother doesn’t doubt my ability to draw up a man. But she tells me I need children because I won’t have anyone to bury me when I die
My mother asked me what the hold up was during the fall of 2001. Mind you that year I’d lost my father, was starting a PhD program and yeah plans flew into buildings but it’s November and she don’t care about none of that. Tells me that she’s the only one of her friends without grandkids (1. she lying and 2. I’m single and 25 and 3. she ain’t having this conversation with my booed up brother cause she’s convinced she’s going to have more access to my kids than his and 4. she was so wrong about that but moving on) and she would really like it if I just “popped out one for her. Preferably a little girl I can dress up like I did with you.”
She caught me on a tired day so I said sure if you agree to keep it until I’m finished with my coursework and start internship I’ll be knocked up in the next few months and have the kid middle of next year sometime. She went dead silent on the other end of the phone for a full minute before saying she wasn’t ready to retire yet but if she was she’d totally take me up on that offer. She couldn’t figure out how to make sure the baby was ready for daycare and she still get to the office ridiculously early but if she could she’d call me back. She’s still bitter and waiting on them babies but she has two grandchildren, both girls who like to play in trees and mud more than frilly things, from my brother.
WHY CAN’T Y’ALL JUST LEAVE MY UTERUS ALONE?! Ain’t NONE YA BUSINESS. Damn. I had a baby. And I got married but does that stop anyone from angling an eclipse my way looking for a second? NOPE. I started telling people my uterus fell out. That shuts them up right quick.
I love ya’ll! I have laughed and cried reading this. This is hilarious!!!
???????????? I’d returned home to Atlanta from the UAE a couple of years ago for the Christmas holiday. The fam started making toasts and when it’s my mom’s turn she wide angles to my brother and I (37 & 32 at the time) and toasts to grandchildren. Straight faced. Dead serious. NEITHER of us have kids. I don’t know if I’ve ever been more nervous in my life. Started chuckling inappropriately and everything.
Now for 2 years my grandma has attempted to set me up with Every. Single. One of her male nurses. Literally DISPLAYS my pictures around her house and calls me every time she’s got a new nurse. One guy told her he was married but he wouldn’t mind a 2nd wife. DO YOU KNOW THIS NUT SENT ME HIS NUMBER?!!!!???!!! I know you’re afraid for my life after that threat your child issued but really….this is much…..
All I want to know is how soon I can expect to purchase a “See your life.” cami?
“but you’re running. Like a criminal. Why you always running?”
iDied!!!