Mama Bolt’s Disappointment is Universal Mom Love Language
There is no one who can bring you down to Earth better and quicker than your own mother. It seems that once you have a child, your shade savant abilities triples, and your gift of petty is enhanced. From the way moms can cut that look that will quickly make you sit down, to the insults they throw your way that you don’t even realize until a clean 20 minutes later, after they’ve left the room.
I look forward to that day.
As the Olympics are going on and certain athletes are dominating, media is interviewing their friends and family. Usain Bolt‘s mom, Jennifer Bolt, was interviewed on CNN. Gold medal be dambed, she surely wished he was married.
This look on her face had me CACKLING. West Indian moms ain’t got no chill, just like African moms. Because yes, I can definitely hear a Nigerian mom saying: “EHHH. You can get a whole gold medal but you can’t get a wife/husband. See your life.”
Usain outchea breaking world records and having folks wonder why his opponents even show up for races anymore and his mom is like “that fool needs to get a family.” I LOVE IT.
The measure of success for many parents is their lineage continuing. Too bad they gotta depend on some of us who ain’t always about their life. Y’all better get your pet games up!
Basically, Mama Bolt’s disappointment face is just an expression of her love language. There should be six: quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, physical touch and bugging your kids to settle down.
We talked about this on my Awesomely Luvvie FB page and this is a universal experience. #AllShadyMomsMatter
Soca: The way this made me HOLLA!!! lol I can hear her too ” cho..yuh nah get no wife yet ?? all dem race you a run…me waan gran’pikney…slow down”
Danielle: Exactly. How can he find a wife if he’s always moving at the speed of sound? LOL!
Cindy: I wouldn’t expect any different from the African parents. Where you think the West Indian parents got it? It came over with Africans, been handed down mother to child ever since. 😉
Gracie: Ehh mi gawd! I got into Harvard for my masters and told my mom. My mother’s response? “So? Since when is education a husband? Can you marry school? Go marry your books jare.” Me: -_-
Eliza: Ghanaian parents too. My mum finds a way to bring a husband and grand babies into every conversation reminding me that I’m not getting any younger and the white handkerchieves she has been saving for my wedding are turning yellow. “Oh Akua, the devil is sitting on your destiny right now! ” Talk about giving you a serious dose of self esteem! ????????????????????????
Danielle: There is nothing as shady as a woman who wants grandkids and doesn’t see it happening fast enough for her liking. “I’m not getting any younger, you know. I’d like to have grandbabies while I’m fit enough to play with them. Shirley has 4 grandchildren with a 5th on the way. You can’t find a decent woman and give me ONE?”
Judy: I’m in the process of buying a house mind you I have two degrees and a good job and my mom starts wailing why can’t you buy a house with a husband!!!! I just hung up the phone. Then she starts going in about me being a bridesmaid in my friend’s wedding and starts screaming the next wedding will be your own!!!! Sigh!!!
Sara: My mother has started sending me articles about freezing my eggs. -_- Which has made Facebook send me ads about freezing my eggs. -_- -_-
Jenny: Asian parents too! LoL you can cure A.I.D.S. for an Asian parent & they’ll be like “are you ever getting a husband?”. ⚰ “She no have husband. She cure A.I.D.S.” (in their sarcastic voice)”
Ari: See yourself jo, you must find a good husband make sure he’s Yoruba ooo – My Dad, everyday.
Anna: Well at least his mother hasn’t given up on him getting married. On the weekend of my graduation for my MBA my mother just asked for her grandchild. I asked her how mom there’s no man in my life and she said “I don’t care anymore I’m getting old” ???? #wellthisisnew
Megan: I was just about 31 when 16 weeks pregnant with my daughter. I called my parents to announce; my dad says yay, and I shit you not, my mother says, “It’s about damned time”. I hung up on her.
Anna: The funny thing is I gave her a grandchild. My son is 12. But she says 1 child doesn’t count anymore. I’m like are you kidding me?!
Lesha: I told them, I’m done. This baby almost killed me, pre-eclampsia almost killed us both at 32 weeks. You have a son with no kids, talk to him! She leaned in and whispered, “I think he’s gay. I’m not sure. What do you think?” Woman, if you don’t leave us alone!!!
Lakesha: No pressure!!! My mother told me AS SHE WAS DYING, no lie!! I would’ve liked a grandchild from you. … (This is the memory you’re leaving me with?!?!?!? ). ????????????????
Luvvie: YOOOOO!!! Being petty on the deathbed is PEAK GOALS. lolol
Brooke: Creole parents. SAME. Son of Single Creole Mom. SAME.
“But did you find a husband? Should have worn your hair in a ponytail and not a bun. Maybe you should eat something. Or cook a pot of beans.”
Cindy: Oh my God, the cooking! If I heard my Daddy once, I heard him a thousand times: “I done tell allyuh little girls, the face powder is to catch a man, but the baking powder is to keep him, yuh know.”
Jese: My 94 year old great aunt to me and my single and childless sister – both college educated, independent, home owning, good job having women- at our daddy’s funeral – Nan one y’all still ain’t got nan husband?”
Me – No ma’am
Ain’t Rhea – Y’all know how to make biscuits?
Me – No ma’am
Ain’t Rhea – That’s why y’all ain’t got nan husband
Leela: Sounds like my mom. I remember calling my mom crying in med school cause I was so overwhelmed and stressed out. Her response: “Well if you just wore make up and acted more ladylike you could find a boyfriend.” My parents gave up and got a dog
Julieth: Child: mama I brought home gold ????”
Parent: where is the wife/ husband and child along with it?”
Parent: I see you want to end our generation, eh? What’s success without my grandkids?
Child: I just don’t want children or wife/husband now, ma…
Parent: *deals death blow*
*sigh* ???? nawa…
Eyeola: Lmao! I can hear it now, “See your life….WHILE YOUR MATES are busy getting married and having children you are here, languishing…but wetin be your wahala?”
Marla: Moved to China now in Nigeria teaching and all I get from some fam is…”but wait Maaaahlaaa?! Mi nah undastand! So yuh nah wan get married eh?! Cha!” #mylifeasaJamaican
Tisha: My mom was listening to some communication tapes and as I was getting dressed to go out she was like “you should listen to this, it will help you speak to anyone…..and help you find a husband.” I damn near poked my eye with my mascara wand.
Danielle: Black Southern Old people! I had just graduated from Stanford. My bro was at Duke, my sis in college too. She says: ” Hmm… your brother and sister both have somebody, but I guess you gon have your degree to keep you warm at night.”
Bev: It’s the truth Luvvie “Uhmm hmm- (Jamaican speak for yes) – but a time u tap run up an dung wid de whole heep a gal gal dem now. Pick one nuh! Jezas Crise!! ????????????
Andrea: Latin parents be like: “That’s nice but have you seen what your younger sibling is doing?! They graduated from high school not would be nice if YOU graduated from high school but you’re running. Like a criminal. Why you always running?”
Kachi: Don’t forget that ever hateful teeth sucking. “Tsss eh now! When you are ready we will go to the village and find a father with a stubborn son for you.” nah, I’m good tho, really!
Maya: Jewish Russian parents- “when are you having another baby?!, I won’t be alive forever you know!”
Beth: My mom: when are you having children?
Mom: you think about depriving me of grandchildren when they’re throwing the dirt on my grave
Jillian: Well I graduated from Columbia University and am an attorney, so one day I am over at my parents house while they were having something with their cable repaired and my West Indian mother decided to take matters into her own hand by playing matchmaker and trying to hook me up with the cable guy…..SERIOUSLY!!!!! My father on the other hand complained all the time that it seems like he will not be getting any grandchildren from me……Sir, you already have at least 15 grandchildren and a few great-grandchildren so your lineage is safe……..CHAAAAAA!!!!!
Sandra: My mom talks about babies in every phone call and tells me “I won’t go to heaven if I die without holding your child.”
Keith: Yup. I get it from my very Christian grandma…
Her: “you need to find a good, Christian woman who loves you for you…”
Me: “I’m not looking for anyone right now, Gram”
Her: “And children. Your sister already has 2 & she’s younger than you…”
Her: “They’ll be lowering me into the ground before you finally have a child…”
Rob: Mexican mom: “why do you want to move away to go to graduate school? don’t you love us? you should stay here and give me grandbabies instead”
Y’all gon stop disappointing these folks and get married and birth these babies!
P.S. Before someone rolls up here with “Not All Moms” save your breath and let’s get these jokes off.