Can We Drunk Text Our Bae, Barack, That We Miss Him?
The New Yorker published an imaginary text conversation between Barack Obama and someone who represents all of us still in our feelings about him leaving the White House. Here’s a snippet:
Barack: You knew this would be tough at first. Transitions are never simple.
Me: I miss you so bad
Me: Things without you really really suck
Barack: Does someone else have your car keys?
This is basically all of us, wading in a pool of our feelings. Six days after he left and we’re watching the world crumble because a Walking Cheeto is blowing everything to hell. I just wanna send President Obama voicemail recordings of Toni Braxton heartbreak songs. “It’s just another sad love song racking my brain like crazy.”
I shared the article on my Awesomely Luvvie Facebook page and asked my followers: Can we all drunk text President Obama and pathetically ask why he left us??
The responses had me laughing and crying all at the same time.
RC: “Was it me? I can change, if you come back I can show you that I can be the constituent you need me to be ????” #BabyComeBack #YouCanBlameItAllOnMe
Aeisha: I want to drive by his house reeeeeaaalll slow so I know he sees me see him see me in so much pain.
Lana: I’m with you but Secret Service ????
Aeisha: I’d risk secret service to get the ache to go away…
Necee: Make sure you turn down the radio right before you get to his house.
Amy: Girl… I already drunk tweeted his ass at 3:30 in the A.M. He’s trying to act like he doesn’t know we were so good together…
Luvvie: Amy, you are all of us.
Kellie: “Hey big head.????” -Me in Barack’s DMs
Melody: Me since Obama left us:
Liz: legitimately almost drunk tweeted him last night. Thankfully my neighbor had the good sense to say “Honey, no. If you still need to reach out to him you do it in the morning after coffee and eggs, not 4 glasses of moscato.”
Anthony: Like drunk texting an ex because you never knew you had it so good and your current turns out to be a creepy racist asshat with tiny hands ????
Clarissa: Yeah I miss him like a 90’s R&B new jack swing single. Like I’m ready to cry in the pouring rain while wearing a high top and pleather suit if it means he’ll come back.
Shana: ????Do I ever cross yo mind? Do you ever wake up reaching out for me?????
Amanda: You have to spin around with your arms outstretched then drop to your knees. Oh and hit the ground with you fists. Then he’ll believe it’s real.
Lana: Hello, it’s me. I was wondering if after 6 days you’d like to meet to go over everything. They say that times supposed to heal ya but I ain’t done much healing….
Michelle: Hello, can you hear me? I know you’re in California dreaming about how this all used to be. When we were younger and free…I’ve forgotten how it felt before Trump came and ruined everything.
Addy: Forever POTUS could pull a Drake and say “I’m just saying that you could do better, America. Tell me have you heard that lately…”
Dante: They talking about “first 100 days”….I don’t know if we will survive his first TEN!!! JESUS….and I said that in my Mexican voice….HEYSUS!!!! LOL!!
Regina: Shyt forget drunk texting!! Lets just ask him to come on back!! #WeNeedYa44!!
H.R.: He’ll be all “new phone, who dis?”
Chin: I’m ready to go straight Jodeci AND TLC on Barack and I’ve NEVER begged a man (except for when I was a kid and a always begged my dad for cookies). #ForeverMyPresident #CauseYouMeanSoMuchToMe #AintToProudToBeg #4ThePrezICallMyOwn #IReallyDontWantARestrainingOrderOnMyRecordTho
Lakeida: I think I’m going to do some Keith sweat, Luther Vandross, Lenny Williams type begging in my tweet! I also may start tweeting some John Waite”Missing you” lyrics too.
Joseph: Can anyone picture themselves being surrounded by empty wine bottles and tear-filled kleenex texting Barry while Keith Sweat’s “Why Me Baby?” playing softly in the background? No one else? Me neither.????
Joseph: Then that playlist you made for tonight flips over to Janet Jackson’s “Come Back To Me”.
La’Kesha: Had a bottle of red, a box of Kleenex watching “Southside With You” crying on 1/20.
Codie: Hell, I might drunk text Bush at this point. .. no, no I won’t BUT that’s where my mind is right now.
Heather: Iowneven LIKE you… But you were nice. You weren’t brilliant, but you… were nice. I just miss having NICE people around.
Brandi: I’m legit missing George Bush a little right now! Like when I saw him at the inauguration I thought “Aww he wasn’t THAT bad!”
Samantha: Y’all I swear I was giving bush that endearing look you give your kids when you realize they might not be ass bad as you thought they were.
Caprice: Blasting Fiona Apple, Babyface, Keith Sweat, Sade, Maxwell, Mary J. (Whatever it takes) on his voicemail; letting him know we were so perfect together, yeah we had some bumps here and there but we were committed. I’m still holding your picture and remembering the good times like the time you sang me Al Green or that time you used your swagger to piss off your haters. Hahahaha. Seriously, tho…please come back to me…
Lora: Last night I was reading the news, despairing, and then I thought, “Well, as bad as I feel, I can’t possibly feel worse than Obama trying to enjoy a vacation rn”
Donyelle: I did drunk tweet him. I asked him to ask Michelle if he could work at the WH on the weekends!!!!!! Somebody has to run the country. This is week one and the entire world is confused and PISSED as hell right now!
Milla: I’m a wypepo, so I think I’m supposed to stand sadly outside his window in a ratty khaki trenchcoat while power-lifting a boombox the size of a VW Bug over my head. The boombox must be playing Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes” for maximum wangst.
Mitchell: Why do I picture Obama listening to Mary J’s THICK OF IT right now…he knows “we” ain’t treat him right. That whole Mary J album is going to be from him to the U.S.????????☹️
Vicki: In my mind, auntie Chelle follows this page, and she is laughing her butt off. And saying, I wish you would come to my house…
Natasha: Don’t tempt me cause I’ll do it. Talmbout “I know you and Michelle got a good thing going and her body is banging. I ain’t tryna take you from her and mess up your gudt home. We can keep it on the hush…signed your Side Citizen
Sandra: I feel bereft and he wasn’t even my President. I know three terms only happened to President Roosevelt and that was in a war but is it constitutionally possible for President Obama to run in 2020? Or sooner – like tomorrow?
Stacy: I want to stand outside his window with a boom box like in Say Anything. *Playing In Your Eyes* right now.
Brenda: Me: How you gonna have the audacity to institutionalize hope and then up and leave? Barack: I’m picking my daughter up from school
Sigrid: I feel like Bobby Brown in the New Edition story. Imma just keep coming back….
Loren: I wish he could come back. With all the stuff that King Donny and Doowhops are doing today, I’m starting to wonder if the country will last to the weekend.
Allison: When he gets back to Washington which one of us is going to stand on his front yard holding a boom box in the air?
Kandie: Meeeeee!! ???????? With Whitney Houston’s “I will always love you” blaring.
RC: Michelle will answer like “and who is this?” ????????????
Tawanda: Calling him at 2am drunk singing Adele #Hello #Rollinginthedeep #ChasingPavement #ADELEKNEWIT
Morgana: Playing Aaron Hall’s “I Miss You” balled up under my desk like George Costanza, researching Political Asylum
Davin: Who cared? Obama! Obama-cared! (Cries)
Lindsay: I might just get drunk and show up at his house. YES I was that girl in college.
Kim: I drunk tweeted him begging him not to leave many times. It didn’t work ????
Lana: I’d beg like Keith Sweat to get him back!!
Jessica: Seriously he needs a “wyd” text right now
Mak: I feel like our dad walked out on us… ????
We miss him. We wish he’d come home. We promise we’ll do right this time. ????????????
*me outside his window holding a boombox over my head Say Anything style blaring/singing Toni Braxton’s Unbreak My Heart through tears*
Unbreak my hearrrrrt Say you Loooove me again!
I won’t lie, I took him for granted after the first four years because he was here, and he was going to be here for four more years. Now he’s gone, and I find myself missing him. I look at his photos and remember how good it all was. Now, if I could just stop side-eyeing my parents – like they’re that triflin ass aunt that comes to every family gathering empty-handed but takes home four plates – for voting for Trump, maybe my life will go back to some semblance normal.
Prez 44…I promise to be home at a decent hour, no hanging out with the neighborhood bums…plz 44…come back to us and I will do right. Mama’s new man ain’t ish!!!
Mariah Carey wrote songs for a time like this. They were on my “break up mixtape” when I was a youngin and are worth resurrecting…
Can’t Let Go
I Don’t Wanna Cry
Vision of Love
Love Takes Time
I have to make a Spotify Playlist to drown my sorrows.
Don’t forget Breakdown. Which I think we are all doing right now…and I’m Canadian.
Please add Languishing interlude and My All.
I’m on some Lenny Williams, “Boy you know I-I-I Love Yooouuu! No matter what you do! Ohohohohohohohohohohohhhhhh!”
**performing my interpretive dance to “Don’t Leave Me This Way”**
“Please come back President Obama!!!! The world is imploding!”
The majority of the United States are collectively singing – WITH PASSION and ALL the feels – the opening to Hold On by En Vogue: “Whennnnnn I….had you..I treated you ba-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ad. Wrong my dear. But, since. Siiiinnnccee you went awaayyyyy. Don’t you know I, sit around with my he(he-he-he)ad hanging dowwwwwnnnnnn. And, I wonder (wonder, wonderrrrr) who-ooooh, ooooo-oooo;s Looooovviiiin…
I feel like he straight called after Sunshine left the room, and said he wasn’t coming home no mo’.
I. am. Hollering.
EXACTLY! LOLOL!!! #DEAD!
Ain’t no sunshine when he’s gone, only darkness everyday. Ain’t no sunshine since he’s gone. And he’s been gone too long. Barry… why’d you have to go awaaayyyyy. I know. I know. I know. I know….
Cues Etta James’ I’d Rather Go Blind, followed by Whitneys’ Where Do Broken Hearts Go…..while sipping on my cupcake moscato….le sigh!
this is hilarious.
I knew it would be bad.
had NO idea that it would be this bad SO FAST.
I need the laughs
I’m bringing out the old-school, sho nuff beg, “I Miss You” by Harold Melvin and the Bluenotes, led by the incomparable Teddy Pendergrass.
“Oh, I. Oh, I, miss you, miss you, miss you…”
Not the most clever lyrics, but imagine Teddy’s smooooth voice, begging. I hope Chelle won’t mind. I don’t want to get cut (she’s a south side girl as Barack said). Truthfully, Michelle herself can come through!
Somebody needs to ask him WWJD?
Now THIS is hilarious! (As are all of the #BegObamaLyrics).
But, this one touched my soul, no pun intended.
63 Schermerhorn St.
How do I say goodbye to what we had?
The good times that made us laugh
Outweigh the bad.
I thought we’d get to see forever
But forever’s gone away
It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.
I don’t know where this road
Is going to lead
All I know is where we’ve been
And what we’ve been through.
If we get to see tomorrow
I hope it’s worth all the wait
It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.
And I’ll take with me the memories
To be my sunshine after the rain
It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday
Not Cooley High?! I feel like we need to show up at the location of the future Presidential Library in Chicago and sing this as loud as we can — for as long as possible. (RIP Cochise)
This was so in my head. I was on Twitter a few days ago searching his timeline for a glimpse of his vacation. I know a tear fell!!!!
Obama got me wanting to mail him a mixed tape called “Baby Come Back” with sappy love songs and upbeat pop tunes describing what we had. ????????????
I call up the Obama residence, someone answer’s and I cue Mike McCary’s bass:
“Boy, you know we belong together. I don’t have no time for you to be playing with my heart like this. You’ll be mine forever, you just see..”
(Wanya pleads more) “We belong together, and you know that I’m right. Why do you play with my heart? Why do you play with my mind?”
Before the record can get to far into the groove, I learn that it was ‘Chele from the South Side that answered the phone. She sings, in perfect pitch, “You better call Tyrone.”
I hang up. Dejected. Contemplating whether or not I should call back with, “Hello Barbara? This is Shirley?” But, I’m afraid Barack might answer this time, smoothly singing Usher’s “Let it Burn”, breaking my heart all over again.
So, I wall slide with tears streaming down my face; rocking back and forth in corner, ala Huck, muttering “752. 752. 752…”
…the “Huck-752 Wall Slide tho ????
Time on my hands… since you went away boy. I ain’t got no plans… naw naw naw boy. And the sound of the rain against my window pane… is slowly.. slowly driving me insane. BARACK I’m going down!!!! *wall slide* *tears*
…the ” Huck-752 wall slide” tho… ????
You looked inside my fantasies and made each one come true. Something no one else had ever found a way to do. I’ve kept the memories one by one, since you took me in. And I know I’ll never love this way again….
the best, the best, the BEST grievances ever. Mourning Becomes Obama.
I’m in denial so I’m singing “so many tears I’ve cri-hiiied, so much pain insiiide, but Barry it ain’t over til it’s oooover.”
[…] Can We Drunk Text Our Bae, Barack, That We Miss Him? (Awesomely Luvvie, Jan. 26, 2017) […]
[…] Can we drunk text our Bae, Barack, that we miss him? […]
I hear you’re taking the town again
Havin’ a good time with all your good-time friends
I don’t think that you think of me
You’re on your own now, and I’m alone and free
I know that I should get on with my life
But a life lived without you could never be right
As long as the stars shine down from the heavens,
Long as the rivers run to the sea,
I’ll never get over you getting over me
Read more: Expose – I’ll Never Get Over You (Getting Over Me) Lyrics | MetroLyrics
I would like to win a Gyro Bowl because I have a very messy 4 year old who has a tendency to spill EVERYTHING!