Can We Drunk Text Our Bae, Barack, That We Miss Him?
The New Yorker published an imaginary text conversation between Barack Obama and someone who represents all of us still in our feelings about him leaving the White House. Here’s a snippet:
Barack: You knew this would be tough at first. Transitions are never simple.
Me: I miss you so bad
Me: Things without you really really suck
Barack: Does someone else have your car keys?
This is basically all of us, wading in a pool of our feelings. Six days after he left and we’re watching the world crumble because a Walking Cheeto is blowing everything to hell. I just wanna send President Obama voicemail recordings of Toni Braxton heartbreak songs. “It’s just another sad love song racking my brain like crazy.”
I shared the article on my Awesomely Luvvie Facebook page and asked my followers: Can we all drunk text President Obama and pathetically ask why he left us??
The responses had me laughing and crying all at the same time.
RC: “Was it me? I can change, if you come back I can show you that I can be the constituent you need me to be ????” #BabyComeBack #YouCanBlameItAllOnMe
Aeisha: I want to drive by his house reeeeeaaalll slow so I know he sees me see him see me in so much pain.
Lana: I’m with you but Secret Service ????
Aeisha: I’d risk secret service to get the ache to go away…
Necee: Make sure you turn down the radio right before you get to his house.
Amy: Girl… I already drunk tweeted his ass at 3:30 in the A.M. He’s trying to act like he doesn’t know we were so good together…
Luvvie: Amy, you are all of us.
Kellie: “Hey big head.????” -Me in Barack’s DMs
Melody: Me since Obama left us:
Liz: legitimately almost drunk tweeted him last night. Thankfully my neighbor had the good sense to say “Honey, no. If you still need to reach out to him you do it in the morning after coffee and eggs, not 4 glasses of moscato.”
Anthony: Like drunk texting an ex because you never knew you had it so good and your current turns out to be a creepy racist asshat with tiny hands ????
Clarissa: Yeah I miss him like a 90’s R&B new jack swing single. Like I’m ready to cry in the pouring rain while wearing a high top and pleather suit if it means he’ll come back.
Shana: ????Do I ever cross yo mind? Do you ever wake up reaching out for me?????
Amanda: You have to spin around with your arms outstretched then drop to your knees. Oh and hit the ground with you fists. Then he’ll believe it’s real.
Lana: Hello, it’s me. I was wondering if after 6 days you’d like to meet to go over everything. They say that times supposed to heal ya but I ain’t done much healing….
Michelle: Hello, can you hear me? I know you’re in California dreaming about how this all used to be. When we were younger and free…I’ve forgotten how it felt before Trump came and ruined everything.
Addy: Forever POTUS could pull a Drake and say “I’m just saying that you could do better, America. Tell me have you heard that lately…”
Dante: They talking about “first 100 days”….I don’t know if we will survive his first TEN!!! JESUS….and I said that in my Mexican voice….HEYSUS!!!! LOL!!
Regina: Shyt forget drunk texting!! Lets just ask him to come on back!! #WeNeedYa44!!
H.R.: He’ll be all “new phone, who dis?”
Chin: I’m ready to go straight Jodeci AND TLC on Barack and I’ve NEVER begged a man (except for when I was a kid and a always begged my dad for cookies). #ForeverMyPresident #CauseYouMeanSoMuchToMe #AintToProudToBeg #4ThePrezICallMyOwn #IReallyDontWantARestrainingOrderOnMyRecordTho
Lakeida: I think I’m going to do some Keith sweat, Luther Vandross, Lenny Williams type begging in my tweet! I also may start tweeting some John Waite”Missing you” lyrics too.
Joseph: Can anyone picture themselves being surrounded by empty wine bottles and tear-filled kleenex texting Barry while Keith Sweat’s “Why Me Baby?” playing softly in the background? No one else? Me neither.????
Joseph: Then that playlist you made for tonight flips over to Janet Jackson’s “Come Back To Me”.
La’Kesha: Had a bottle of red, a box of Kleenex watching “Southside With You” crying on 1/20.
Codie: Hell, I might drunk text Bush at this point. .. no, no I won’t BUT that’s where my mind is right now.
Heather: Iowneven LIKE you… But you were nice. You weren’t brilliant, but you… were nice. I just miss having NICE people around.
Brandi: I’m legit missing George Bush a little right now! Like when I saw him at the inauguration I thought “Aww he wasn’t THAT bad!”
Samantha: Y’all I swear I was giving bush that endearing look you give your kids when you realize they might not be ass bad as you thought they were.
Caprice: Blasting Fiona Apple, Babyface, Keith Sweat, Sade, Maxwell, Mary J. (Whatever it takes) on his voicemail; letting him know we were so perfect together, yeah we had some bumps here and there but we were committed. I’m still holding your picture and remembering the good times like the time you sang me Al Green or that time you used your swagger to piss off your haters. Hahahaha. Seriously, tho…please come back to me…
Lora: Last night I was reading the news, despairing, and then I thought, “Well, as bad as I feel, I can’t possibly feel worse than Obama trying to enjoy a vacation rn”
Donyelle: I did drunk tweet him. I asked him to ask Michelle if he could work at the WH on the weekends!!!!!! Somebody has to run the country. This is week one and the entire world is confused and PISSED as hell right now!
Milla: I’m a wypepo, so I think I’m supposed to stand sadly outside his window in a ratty khaki trenchcoat while power-lifting a boombox the size of a VW Bug over my head. The boombox must be playing Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes” for maximum wangst.
Mitchell: Why do I picture Obama listening to Mary J’s THICK OF IT right now…he knows “we” ain’t treat him right. That whole Mary J album is going to be from him to the U.S.????????☹️
Vicki: In my mind, auntie Chelle follows this page, and she is laughing her butt off. And saying, I wish you would come to my house…
Natasha: Don’t tempt me cause I’ll do it. Talmbout “I know you and Michelle got a good thing going and her body is banging. I ain’t tryna take you from her and mess up your gudt home. We can keep it on the hush…signed your Side Citizen
Sandra: I feel bereft and he wasn’t even my President. I know three terms only happened to President Roosevelt and that was in a war but is it constitutionally possible for President Obama to run in 2020? Or sooner – like tomorrow?
Stacy: I want to stand outside his window with a boom box like in Say Anything. *Playing In Your Eyes* right now.
Brenda: Me: How you gonna have the audacity to institutionalize hope and then up and leave? Barack: I’m picking my daughter up from school
Sigrid: I feel like Bobby Brown in the New Edition story. Imma just keep coming back….
Loren: I wish he could come back. With all the stuff that King Donny and Doowhops are doing today, I’m starting to wonder if the country will last to the weekend.
Allison: When he gets back to Washington which one of us is going to stand on his front yard holding a boom box in the air?
Kandie: Meeeeee!! ???????? With Whitney Houston’s “I will always love you” blaring.
RC: Michelle will answer like “and who is this?” ????????????
Tawanda: Calling him at 2am drunk singing Adele #Hello #Rollinginthedeep #ChasingPavement #ADELEKNEWIT
Morgana: Playing Aaron Hall’s “I Miss You” balled up under my desk like George Costanza, researching Political Asylum
Davin: Who cared? Obama! Obama-cared! (Cries)
Lindsay: I might just get drunk and show up at his house. YES I was that girl in college.
Kim: I drunk tweeted him begging him not to leave many times. It didn’t work ????
Lana: I’d beg like Keith Sweat to get him back!!
Jessica: Seriously he needs a “wyd” text right now
Mak: I feel like our dad walked out on us… ????
We miss him. We wish he’d come home. We promise we’ll do right this time. ????????????