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Dear President Barack Obama, So This Love is Just Over?

Because we’re having a rough time with the end of this relationship. I just wanna write him a letter, because he is not. Ain’t nothing worse being the only miserable party, cuz the way my petty is setup, I want us to wallow together. BUT NO. Barack outchea flourishing.

Dear President Obama,

Honestly, this is our fault. When you said you had to go, we should have just said “we refuse” and blocked your way. Instead, we watched you pick up your bag and walk out the door. We didn’t even fight for you.

You’re just gon quit us like this. You’re just gonna act like what we had wasn’t real. You’re just gon treat us all disposable, as if our love was a BIC razor, from an 8-pack. You ain’t have to just up and leave like this. Well, fine you did. Because the laws of the land said that after January 20, 2017 at 12pm EST, you had to stop being our president since you’ve served two full terms.

BUT FUCK THEM LAWS. They don’t matter. Hell, we see they don’t because the dustbucket who took your place is surely not paying attention to any of them. That niglet can barely READ and his illiterate ass is what happens when you hand over the keys to an 18-wheeler to a toddler. Cheeto Satan is the worst!!!

Barack, you left us with Voldemort, and him and his Death Eaters are about to run us all into the ground. You didn’t even finish your Dumbledore’s Army Defense Against the Dark Arts trainings before you hopped on a helicopter and went on vacation. I hadn’t perfected my Patronus charm yet!

My Body is NOT ready gif


I feel like a jilted ex. We already thought about drunk texting you a time or two but you changed your number and you surely ain’t text us the new one. We even thought about calling your mom (cuz she loves us) and just seeing if she could pass it on. But when we called her house, she acted like we drank the last bit of orange juice and put the carton back in the fridge. We hung up from the call and SOBBED.

What hurts the most is how unbothered you are about this breakup. We were together for 8 long years, and you just gon leave without looking back. You outchea showing your armpits in glee with no worries as you kitesurf, in the postcard you ain’t send us. Only reason we know is because we’re stalking you. THIS LOVE CANNOT BE OVER.

These armpits of joy, doe.

You and Queen Shellie LaVaughn walking out here in tiny shorts and hats backwards, while we’re over here taking bets on who will volunteer for tribute once the Hunger Games start. We’re just besides ourselves. Y’all island hopping with Richard Branson, and taking these “wish you were here” ass pictures. Flaunting it all our faces. And the way my envy is set up, I know you’re deserving, because you worked your way into going full salt from pepper. It doesn’t make it any easier for us to deal with.

Out here being the Commander in Chief of No Fucks Given. Being the Sergeant of Swagnificence. Barack, you walking these streets with the freedom of someone who ain’t coming back. You’re probably gonna send a mailing label to us so we can return the things you left at our house.

This is the picture of a man who is not just done but finished.

Barack Obama smoke

AND DID YOU GET FINER?!? What is this?!?

ARE THOSE MUSCLES I SEE?!? Bruh, that’s not even cool or fair!

This hurts so much! And it’s not like I blame you. That’s not it, ‘Rack. I get it. You had to go. We wanted marriage and you had already told us you were gon leave and gave us a date. But then that day came and we looked over to your side of the bed and it was empty.

*sings in the key of butthurt* Un-break our hearts, Barack! SAY YOU LOVE US AGAIN. Undo this hurt that you caused when you walked out the door and walked out of our livesss…” WE MISS YOU!!!


All of Us

P.S. I mean. Can you at least let us keep that tshirt of yours? You know the one we used to like to wear to sleep? No? K.

Have you bought my debut book I’M JUDGING YOU: The Do-Better Manual. Haven’t ordered it yet? Now’s your chance. You’ll love it. Amazon. Barnes & Nobles. iBooks. Audible (I narrated the audiobook myself). Kobo. Books-A-Million.

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  1. February 9, 2017 at 2:13 pm

    Sergeant of Swagnificence—DEAD!!!!!

    • Nikki
      February 9, 2017 at 3:05 pm

      Me too!! I love that phrase!

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  2. Monikka
    February 9, 2017 at 2:14 pm

    You killin’ me with this! I ain’t felt this bad since I lost on Jeopardy last year.

  3. True
    February 9, 2017 at 2:36 pm

    All out here looking fine! Where did that high duke come from? We ain’t never seen that booty sitting up there like that. Damn I miss me some HIM! *I need a postcard.

    • Sylvia C Brown
      February 11, 2017 at 11:07 am

      You are right on THAT! I’m looking wondering is that his wallet or the tiiiigghtness.

  4. Renee
    February 9, 2017 at 2:41 pm

    (drops empty bottle of Moscato, singing slightly off-key) Where is the love, you said was mine, all mine til the end of time??

    (sits down hard) How you jus’ lef’ us with this Tangy Turniphead? I though we was forever! I don’t think my heart can go on without you…Barry, come back!!!

    And now we gotta look at this Orange Cheeto, when we had tall, dark, and caramel…

    I’m just hurt…all in my feels today. And it aine even been a month.

  5. Brokenhearted Girl
    February 9, 2017 at 2:46 pm

    I mean…we out here really like “did you ever even love us?? was this thing one-sided all along??” I know those 8 years meant something, at least ack like you care a lil bit *insert ugly crying face*

  6. MissTish
    February 9, 2017 at 2:46 pm

    That butt is sitting right-and-tight in his white jeans, tho…

    • Andrea Plaid
      February 9, 2017 at 9:09 pm

      Like he exercised just so he could tell the U.S. to kiss it as he rolled out.

      • Jen
        February 9, 2017 at 9:17 pm

        Andrea Plaid wins the Internet today!

      • nicki
        February 10, 2017 at 1:55 am


        • KDAV
          February 10, 2017 at 10:07 am

          THIS! #DEADDEAD, yep – two times! *super-slow-wall-slide, tears-falling-tea-in-hand”

  7. February 9, 2017 at 2:46 pm

    If you love someone, set them free. If they don’t come back and just decide to be selfish and don’t fully understand the serious fuck shit stack we are in, strap one of those hydro jet packs on and levitate over Necker Island screaming COME BACK BARACK until ..I don’t know but SOMEONE DO SOMETHING, SHIT. *cries forever*

    • Niki
      February 9, 2017 at 3:54 pm

      The hydro jet pack tho?! LMAO

    • Meghan
      February 10, 2017 at 9:32 am

      LMAO!!!!! Omg this has my cackling at my desk!!!

    • Gingersnap
      February 12, 2017 at 11:38 am

      I am crying @ this comment.. SOMEONE DO SOMETHING. GIRL. I KNOW!!! ????

  8. Dianne
    February 9, 2017 at 2:47 pm

    All I have to say is…Yes!

  9. jennifer jayne
    February 9, 2017 at 2:48 pm

    We need to keep that t-shirt for its lingering aroma of decency and uprightness lest we all forget. I need its fibers to block the stank wafting into the room.

  10. February 9, 2017 at 3:26 pm

    AND DID YOU GET FINER?!? What is this?!?’hahahah I can’t lol!

  11. KayMac
    February 9, 2017 at 3:46 pm

    Barack legit outchea like, “New year, new me.” Humph…

    • Sherlyn
      February 11, 2017 at 4:31 am

      Haaaaa!!!! Basically. ????????????????

  12. Beatsbyshay
    February 9, 2017 at 3:55 pm

    My Granny still has your pictures hanging up in her living room… She still asks about you. What I’m ‘posed to tell granny?!? *Cries in Kim Kardashian*

    • Des
      February 10, 2017 at 3:15 pm

      Hell, I still have his picture hanging up in my living room. 16X20 framed. #sob

  13. RozybajanArthur
    February 9, 2017 at 4:12 pm

    That niglet can barely READ and his illiterate ass is what happens when you hand over the keys to an 18-wheeler to a toddler. Cheeto Satan is the worst!!! – I NEED MY INHALER- I am laughing so hard!

  14. Lorna
    February 9, 2017 at 4:20 pm

    Ok, this perfectly describes exactly how I feel. And if you look closely at Brothah President-For-Life Obama’s pictures, you can see the gray hairs turning Black again. I’m happy for him and Momma Michelle (and Uncle Joe, too, cause he Fam for life), but I just can’t…iCan’t…
    *cries again*
    *puts on Chicago record – not CD – RECORD!*
    *slowly sings to a picture of Barack & Michelle*

    I guess I thought you’d be here forever
    Another illusion I chose to create
    You don’t know what you got until it’s gone
    And I found out a little too late
    I was acting as if you were lucky to have me
    Doin’ you a favor, I hardly knew you were there
    But then you were gone, and it all was wrong
    Had no idea how much I cared

    Now being without you takes a lot of getting used to
    Should learn to live with it but I don’t want to
    Being without you is all a big mistake
    Instead of getting easier, it’s the hardest thing to take
    I’m addicted to you babe,
    you’re a hard habit to break!!

    *cries & drinks another bottle of veggie smoothie because Michelle wouldn’t want me to gain weight by having liquor*

    • February 9, 2017 at 6:09 pm

      Just throw a shot in there…She’ll understand!!!

    • alycia62
      February 9, 2017 at 9:56 pm

      Now on Youtube watching Chicago’s “Hard Habit to Break”..I’m loving the old school breakup reminiscing…Dangit, now I’m all up in my feelings too!

    • nickiw
      February 10, 2017 at 1:58 am

      Record, not CD. VINYL! That’s old school heartbreak.
      Staying up late, just picking up the needle and putting it right back on that song. Sitting in the dark, dranking (not drinking), dranking Henny. That’s real sadness.

    • Pam Craig
      February 10, 2017 at 7:53 pm

      I love Lorna’s reply. Peeing my white 50 yr old self. .yes , no liquor. Veggies. Cause our Queen Michelle said so.

  15. Solana
    February 9, 2017 at 4:55 pm

    With Stevie, some red wine and popcorn, singing….

    “I never dreamed you’d leave in summer. (Well, I know it was winter, B, but you know what I mean)”
    “I thought you would go then come back home”
    “Why didn’t you stay”


  16. Bridget
    February 9, 2017 at 5:05 pm

    Not only is Bae looking fine as frog hair but he look like his hair turning back black. See….them white pants making me see what exactly why Michelle snatched him up. Then Chi-town boys slick as they wanna be. A’ight Barack, be like that…..witcho fine self.

  17. February 9, 2017 at 6:08 pm

    Look I been crying tears for days. I may have to call his current boo and tell her why she ain’t shit and why he is gonna come back to me. Even though I know he ain’t. Outchea like he left me for Shirley and I ain’t even Barbara… Imma have another drink so I can fall asleep and hope to wake up to this still being a joke!!!!

    • YvMarie
      February 9, 2017 at 6:27 pm


  18. YvMarie
    February 9, 2017 at 6:25 pm

    All day long, wearing a mask of false bravado
    Trying to keep up the smile that hides a tear
    But as the sun goes down, I get that empty feeling again
    How I wish to God that you were here
    Baby come back, any kind of fool could see
    There was something in everything about you
    Baby come back, you can blame it all on me
    I was wrong, and I just can’t live without you

  19. notconvincedgranny
    February 9, 2017 at 6:52 pm

    You know right now even some Repugnicants are compiling a “Please Baby Baby Please Help My Tears Wash This Choking Orange Dust Off OF Me” CD. Frederick Douglass is getting writing credit.

  20. February 9, 2017 at 7:12 pm

    *cues up the most depressing song I’ve ever heard, Tamia’s Loving You Still*

    I’m not even American and I feel this loss like my non-existent boyfriend dumped me via text message. I feel personally victimised by Cheeto Satan, on account of the fact that I *despise* the colour orange – hate it with the fire of 1,000 suns at noon – and now his uglass visage is on my TL every livelong day and night. I can no longer eat Cheetos, or orange-coloured foods. Thank GOD y’all hadn’t named Dump Truck after Doritos, or I’d have to fight somebody.

    Barry O outchea looking segzier than ever, all silver foxy and what not. I mean, that pic of him in the white on white. *sips ice water* I know Queen Michelle is enjoying her downtime. Did y’all see her practically sprint up those plane steps to get away on January 20? I know they deserve this time away, but I miss seeing them and what they represent. Thank heavens for Pete Souza, the former White House photog, who still posts regular pics of Pres O on his personal IG.

    *hits repeat on Loving You Still, lets it slide right into Officially Missing You*

    • Siima
      February 9, 2017 at 9:31 pm

      Everything Tracey said. I’m not American either but find myself hitting a wall slide more often than not. Those pictures of Barack on holiday, eish.

  21. Nutella Clitoris
    February 9, 2017 at 7:24 pm

    I get the feeling that instead of “hail to the chief” playing when he arrives and departs… now it’s “love don’t live here anymore” by Rose Royce…

    • Lorna
      February 13, 2017 at 11:38 am


  22. Mary Burrell
    February 9, 2017 at 7:55 pm

    He looks happy and rested it’s good that he no longer has to deal with the madness that is America. He served us well so let him and Michelle and the girls enjoy they lives as citizens. God bless them.

  23. Mary Burrell
    February 9, 2017 at 7:58 pm

    Trump has ruined the color orange for me.

    • notconvincedgranny
      February 9, 2017 at 8:06 pm

      Yep. Used to be my favorite. My tangerine dream is now a bloated neon orange nightmare worthy of that scene from Fantasia – Pink Elephants on Parade. Only it’s Talking Cheetos on Crack.

  24. February 9, 2017 at 8:07 pm

    *on my knees crying* Oh Lawd, he’s gone. Him and Chelle just gone. Oh Lawd… why? Why can’t we just changed the laws and he can be back in office again. If them other folks can,do it, why can’t we?

    *rocking and humming*

  25. SIPort
    February 9, 2017 at 10:09 pm

    I absolutely love this.

    I have to admit that I am so conflicted with the pictures.

    On the one hand, I’m soo sad. I mean, we had filet mignon…and now we’re being fed the scraps out the garbage can.

    On the other hand, one of the things I was most worried about with #44 was the Jackie Robinson syndrome. I believe being Jackie Robinson killed Jackie Robinson. I worried about that for #44. These pictures make me happy, because I want him around for a long time.

    The twitter memes and the videos some have made about their vacation pictures have been hilarious.

    I also love it because we DID know what we were losing.

    And, I’m glad we get to throw in the face of Dolt45 supporters, the utter crap that we have now.

    But, yeah, I’d be lying if I didn’t say that some moment, everyday, my heart breaks.

    I would be said, even if Hillary had won, but I know I wouldn’t be this upset. So inconsolable. We be so much happier looking that these pictures.

    But, as Kevonstage said in his video..

    ” Oh President Obama…uh uh uh FORMER President Obama. Of course, the man is happy..don’t have to do the job…but, still get paid…Direct Deposit still hit every month..”


  26. TJ
    February 9, 2017 at 11:30 pm

    Sitting here crying, drinking wine and listening to Etta James – I’d Rather Go Blind, because God knows we are be being dragged to the seventh level of hell by the Tangerine Terror.

  27. sara mclean
    February 10, 2017 at 1:26 am

    He’s trolling us big time, like an ex who wasn’t treated right, he’s making sure we see him having fun and looking super hot. Gone are the days navy suits with US flag pinned to his lapel. It’s a new dawn filled with fitted white polos and oh so perfectly slim khakis. But he misses us. I can tell. I miss my Barack too.

  28. nickiw
    February 10, 2017 at 2:05 am

    *writing this with Blackstreet’s Don’t Leave (Stay) playing the background.

    If JK Rowling wasn’t so down I’d blame her because she created Voldemort and her story has come to life. Now I’m just tapping my foot/arms crossed waiting for Harry, Ron, and Hermoine.

  29. NiHi
    February 10, 2017 at 3:12 am

    Okay, so what happened to the dad jeans he use to wear? He is killing me softly in those white ones. Barack is Benjamin Buttoning use by aging backwards. He is getting his sexy back. Look out Michelle!

  30. Cheri
    February 10, 2017 at 7:49 am

    All I do is lay around 2 ears full of tears, staring at your face on the wall. Just a,week ago you were my baby, but I dont even know you at all, (don’t know you at alllll) but I wish that I could call you right now, so that I could get back to you somehow, but I guess it’s safe to say, safe to say that I’m officially missing you,…..it’s official

  31. Debra Jenkins
    February 10, 2017 at 8:16 am

    Got me playing “How am I supposed to live without you” on YouTube and crying into my green smoothie, because Bae is on that new year new me. Hoping that if I shed a few unwanted pounds I could win him back. Barack Obama please baby, please come back. We are all suffering from your departure and standing at the terminal waiting for the pilot to turn around. How could you just walk away as if we weren’t good together. We may have had a few bad days but if you come back and bring Michelle we’ll act like you never left. Baby come back, I’m down on bended knees. The pain is too much to bear, while Trumplethinskin signs executive orders to destroy everything great you’ve done for us. Do I need to take out a full page ad in the NYT, Washington Post. What do I have to do to get you to forgive us. :'(

  32. Tamara
    February 10, 2017 at 9:51 am

    ummm, “…niglet”. LMFBAOFFF. I haven’t heard that since my mommy used to call my sister and I that as kids. Love it!

  33. MNLioness
    February 10, 2017 at 4:56 pm

    Uh – has anyone done a Spotify playlist of allthesongs?

  34. Lena
    February 10, 2017 at 7:21 pm

    Barack out here answering text messages like, “Who dis?” He done deleted us out the contacts and errthang!

  35. […] shirt that confirmed toned arms, circulated on social media in February, inciting feedback from “ARE THOSE MUSCLES I SEE?!? Bruh, that’s not even cool or truthful!” to “Obama left the […]

  36. […] shirt that showed toned arms, circulated on social media in February, inciting comments from “ARE THOSE MUSCLES I SEE?!? Bruh, that’s not even cool or fair!” to “Obama left the office […]