We Gotta Talk About Uncle Bernie’s Struggle Hair
Listen. Folks keep talking about issues and stances and policy, ignoring the real important thing about this whole election. When are we going to have a real conversation about Bernie Sanders’ struggle hair? When are we going to get down to the nitty gritty and get to the heart of the matter of why that man refuses to get a good brush, some anti-frizz spray, holding gel? We are outchea hustling backwards, because we don’t want to confront what matters.
Uncle Bernie takes to these streets with bedhead, as if he ain’t got access to a haircut to lay his strands down better and some pomade and I do not understand. And it does add to his “Get off my lawn” disposition. I like Bernie, though. The cantankerous in me appreciates the cantankerous in him. Real recognize real but this hair of his just makes me cackle. He always looks like he just got really shocking news and had to run out his house real quick.
I want him to #FeeltheBrush so bad. Can we get him some Pump It Up Spritz right quick? And then it just looks all dry. We needs a night bonnet because maybe he’s sleeping on a cotton pillowcase and it’s sucking out all the moisture. Maybe Bernie needs a durag.
Bless his heart. I took this issue to my Facebook page and folks had some words about Bernie.
“Bernie stay lookin like he’s awol from the dementia unit and its supposed to show us how much he dont care about the superficial. Nurses out there looking for bernie talkin bout MR SANDERS U DON’T HAVE A DAY PASS.” – Liz
“He’s like the infant whose mother keeps pressing down the scare hair with her spitty fingers.” – Cindy
“No, no, no. Then he would become unstoppable. Wall Street couldn’t withstand Bernie with the good hair. It’d cripple our infrastructure.” – Jared
“First, we’ll start with a light pre-poo treatment & cleanse with a sulfate-free shampoo that won’t disrupt the curl pattern. Then, we’ll deep condition with a heating cap to close the hair’s cuticle (key to fighting frizz). Lastly, we’ll end with the LOC method and extra shea butter for those ends; shingle to ensure the product is evenly distributed. Air-drying is preferable. The elderly don’t like all that air on they heads.” – Amanda
“If y’all want to contribute to some bail money, I will run up on stage at his next event and comb his hair right quick…” – Nicole
“I feel like someone should hand him a pamphlet about “Our Lord and Savior, Coconut Oil”. – DeLaine
“He legit walkin around with a head full of cirrus clouds.” – Chiffontae
“A lil aloe vera juice and some Giovanni leave in would make him beat Trump.” – Nikia
“I swear he be having the newborn chick look going on!” – Bridgette
“If he tamed the mane he’d get accused of selling out to Big Hair Money…” – Carrie
“He always looks like he just fell out of an airplane” – Kat
“I think it is actually helpful–sometimes I forget how many jigawatts I need to power the Delorean. But then I see Uncle Bernie and it comes back to me.” – Jennifer
“Bernie is trying to get back to the future.” – Cynthia
“You can’t tell that man anything about ANYTHING, let alone hair care.” – Jenni
“Wanda Sykes said that Bernie Sanders always looks like he just got thrown out of a bar. hahaha She is SPOT ON!!!!” – Adrienne
“Bernie will not comb his hair until the High Sparrow reunites all of the remaining Stark children.” – Raheem
“Girl, like Samson that’s the source of his strength. Can’t tame the frizz.” – Donna
“Y’all leave my uncle Bernie alone lol we’ve tried spray but it just don’t hold lol” – Cynthia
“The Jew Fro is part of Uncle Bernie’s swag. #DontHate” – LC
“Bernie’s do both cracks me up and gives me hope. It’s so bad, but it’s because he too busy working to worry about it!” – Toya
“As my Mom would say “He old. He don’t give a shit about hair.”<~She says this while she slides her wig on” – Krisha
“When you’re so passionate about the struggle that your hair stands up in solidarity with you.” – Dee
“Bernie is a naturalista! Seriously, though, I compare him to the mom whose children are all put together, but throws her hair in a bun and wears yesterday’s jeans.” – Danielle
LMAO! I’m done. This post has been brought to you by: my pettiness. I’m glad we can get this out in the open now. If not now, then when? If not my shady ass, then who?
Besides, the time for me to roast SquirrelWig McRacistPants is coming. His hairhat is the worst of all. Hold tight.