Famous folksPolitics

We Gotta Talk About Uncle Bernie’s Struggle Hair

Listen. Folks keep talking about issues and stances and policy, ignoring the real important thing about this whole election. When are we going to have a real conversation about Bernie Sanders’ struggle hair? When are we going to get down to the nitty gritty and get to the heart of the matter of why that man refuses to get a good brush, some anti-frizz spray, holding gel? We are outchea hustling backwards, because we don’t want to confront what matters.

Bernie Sanders Hair

Come on, bruh

Uncle Bernie takes to these streets with bedhead, as if he ain’t got access to a haircut to lay his strands down better and some pomade and I do not understand. And it does add to his “Get off my lawn” disposition. I like Bernie, though. The cantankerous in me appreciates the cantankerous in him. Real recognize real but this hair of his just makes me cackle. He always looks like he just got really shocking news and had to run out his house real quick.

I want him to #FeeltheBrush so bad. Can we get him some Pump It Up Spritz right quick? And then it just looks all dry. We needs a night bonnet because maybe he’s sleeping on a cotton pillowcase and it’s sucking out all the moisture. Maybe Bernie needs a durag.

Bless his heart. I took this issue to my Facebook page and folks had some words about Bernie.

“Bernie stay lookin like he’s awol from the dementia unit and its supposed to show us how much he dont care about the superficial. Nurses out there looking for bernie talkin bout MR SANDERS U DON’T HAVE A DAY PASS.” – Liz

“He’s like the infant whose mother keeps pressing down the scare hair with her spitty fingers.” – Cindy

“No, no, no. Then he would become unstoppable. Wall Street couldn’t withstand Bernie with the good hair. It’d cripple our infrastructure.” – Jared

“First, we’ll start with a light pre-poo treatment & cleanse with a sulfate-free shampoo that won’t disrupt the curl pattern. Then, we’ll deep condition with a heating cap to close the hair’s cuticle (key to fighting frizz). Lastly, we’ll end with the LOC method and extra shea butter for those ends; shingle to ensure the product is evenly distributed. Air-drying is preferable. The elderly don’t like all that air on they heads.” – Amanda

Bert Ernie Bernie

“If y’all want to contribute to some bail money, I will run up on stage at his next event and comb his hair right quick…” – Nicole

“I feel like someone should hand him a pamphlet about “Our Lord and Savior, Coconut Oil”. – DeLaine

“He legit walkin around with a head full of cirrus clouds.” – Chiffontae

“A lil aloe vera juice and some Giovanni leave in would make him beat Trump.” – Nikia

“I swear he be having the newborn chick look going on!” – Bridgette

“If he tamed the mane he’d get accused of selling out to Big Hair Money…” – Carrie

“He always looks like he just fell out of an airplane” – Kat

“I think it is actually helpful–sometimes I forget how many jigawatts I need to power the Delorean. But then I see Uncle Bernie and it comes back to me.” – Jennifer

“Bernie is trying to get back to the future.” – Cynthia

“You can’t tell that man anything about ANYTHING, let alone hair care.” – Jenni

“Wanda Sykes said that Bernie Sanders always looks like he just got thrown out of a bar. hahaha She is SPOT ON!!!!” – Adrienne

“Bernie will not comb his hair until the High Sparrow reunites all of the remaining Stark children.” – Raheem

Bernie Sanders High Sparrow

“Girl, like Samson that’s the source of his strength. Can’t tame the frizz.” – Donna

“Y’all leave my uncle Bernie alone lol we’ve tried spray but it just don’t hold lol” – Cynthia

“The Jew Fro is part of Uncle Bernie’s swag. #DontHate” – LC

“Bernie’s do both cracks me up and gives me hope. It’s so bad, but it’s because he too busy working to worry about it!” – Toya

“As my Mom would say “He old. He don’t give a shit about hair.”<~She says this while she slides her wig on” – Krisha

“When you’re so passionate about the struggle that your hair stands up in solidarity with you.” – Dee

“Bernie is a naturalista! Seriously, though, I compare him to the mom whose children are all put together, but throws her hair in a bun and wears yesterday’s jeans.” – Danielle

LMAO! I’m done. This post has been brought to you by: my pettiness. I’m glad we can get this out in the open now. If not now, then when? If not my shady ass, then who?

Besides, the time for me to roast SquirrelWig McRacistPants is coming. His hairhat is the worst of all. Hold tight.

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  1. Andrea
    June 7, 2016 at 2:21 pm

    “Mr. Sanders YOU DON’T HAVE A DAY PASS.”
    Y’all I snorted on a damn conference call and wasn’t even on mute. DED.

  2. SoulfliHoneyBea
    June 7, 2016 at 2:42 pm

    OMG! I am in a training crying! #FeeltheBrush OH MY LAWD.

    I’m divorcing you for the fifty-eleventh time–but I will be back tomorrow.

  3. graceofgroove
    June 7, 2016 at 3:05 pm

    Word on the street is his scalp is flaky AF. Jane gotta brush down them lapels before every single appearance. Get thee some Head and Shoulders, Uncle B … stat!

  4. June 7, 2016 at 3:38 pm

    Bless his heart.

  5. Jeannette A.
    June 7, 2016 at 3:40 pm

    He is the Pam Oliver of politics

    • Dee Dee
      June 7, 2016 at 5:21 pm

      OMG, if that girl don’t get that dead squirrel off her head right now.

  6. Stacy
    June 7, 2016 at 3:42 pm

    You know how there are athletes who won’t shave their beards until they win a championship? Maybe Uncle Bernie said he ain’t combing his hair until he wins. Either that or he’s going natural and can’t seem to find the right products to use for his curl pattern.

  7. notconvincedgranny
    June 7, 2016 at 4:19 pm

    Y’all better leave Uncle Bern-Bern alone. He’s too busy reppin’ for the post-(any)pausal contingent. After he becomes president, maybe he can make Trump Secretary of Defense, ’cause that helmet he constructs daily will make a H-bomb bounce back to from whence it came.

  8. Mary G
    June 7, 2016 at 4:37 pm

    “SquirrelWig McRacistPants”?


    I LOVE YOU!!!!!!

  9. Annette
    June 7, 2016 at 4:38 pm

    And this is why America is f*cked. Another seemingly harmless distraction, but this is what people think is important- good hair. Ugh – I hate us.

    • Dee Dee
      June 7, 2016 at 5:23 pm

      If you can’t see the humor in this, you’re the one with the problem.

    • Eve Tey
      June 7, 2016 at 7:54 pm

      You do realize that this is a humor blog, right!

    • JerzeeGurl
      June 7, 2016 at 10:20 pm

      You must be new here

  10. Avery
    June 7, 2016 at 6:24 pm

    It can’t be bed head, cuz Tha Bern don’t sleep y’all!

    • GinaGene86
      June 8, 2016 at 10:41 am

      He does kinda take #StayWoke literally, lol!

  11. SIPort
    June 7, 2016 at 7:35 pm

    Oh no…

    you did again…
    I’m on the brink of stomach cramps from LMAO.

    thanks Luvvie

  12. Kefira
    June 7, 2016 at 9:31 pm

    He looks like he has cradle cap…

    • Misha
      June 8, 2016 at 9:33 am

      Lawd I weeaaakkkkk!!! Cradle cap though??? ????????????????

  13. blackprofessor
    June 7, 2016 at 10:06 pm

    This whole post made me cackle hard!

  14. L'Homme d'Argent
    June 8, 2016 at 7:47 am

    I wish for a revolution in hairstyling.

    I just sensed a feeling — it’s as if this article caused the screams and sanctimony of a million Bernie Bros & Sis’s, furiously typing on their keyboards all at once, butthurt over pretty harmless humor, though they’d be totally cool with slamming the Rotten Tangerine for his horrible hair, screaming at Luvvie and the Luvvnation for being puppets for “Shillary” … though they truly Must Be New Here.

    (Sorry y’all; people on Facebook are testing me this morning.)

    • June 8, 2016 at 10:59 am

      Lawd, don’t let your irritation with FB spoil the mood over here. I’m a Bernie fan, and I laughed at this post yesterday and still think it’s funny today. I didn’t take offense and neither did my Bernie-loving friends.

  15. June 27, 2016 at 1:30 pm

    I’m dying over here. Dying. Can’t.Catch.Breath.

  16. […] Struggle hair no more! […]