All’s Unfair in Love and Kidneys

There’s a story going around today because some guy wrote into a website called NGTrends asking for advice:

I am 32years old and my girlfriend is 31years old. We’ve been together for 5 years and now live together in a nice house. Things have been slowly fizzling out and I’ve been feeling like we don’t belong together for a few months now. I feel like if I don’t make a decision soon we will be married and I will feel this way forever. But on the other hand, getting a kidney transplant has changed my life for the better in so many ways. I feel like staying together is the right thing to do even if I’m not in love anymore. I’ll never be able to pay her back. I’m so torn and conflicted and feel like I have to make an impossible choice.

If I stay with her, I’ll always feel trapped and in a loveless relationship. If I break up with her, I’ll forever feel like an evil person for dumping someone who literally put their life on the line for me.

UMMMMMM… let me get this straight, bruh. You spent 5 years with this woman, y’all got a house and when you were sick, she gave you one of her kidneys and now you’re talmbout you aren’t in love with her anymore? GAHHHTTTDAMMMBB that’s cold-blooded. You better take your ass to counseling and try to fix this. It does not get more “ride or die” than someone committing long-term, living with you and then literally giving you a part of themselves. Now you wanna break up her? SHID.

MANNNNNNN gimme my damb kidney back. SHID. Nawl. First of all, did it take 5 years for him to realize he didn’t love her? Did he not realize it before she gave him said organ?? And on her end, she needs a bop to the head. I ain’t giving no “boyfriend” my organ. We gotta go together for real for me to give you my innards. We gotta take some type of oath before God and my family in fierce geles before I even consider that.

I took it to my Facebook friends and asked what they think and we had a good ol’ cackling session. Below is some of it.

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Sheryl: She thought that kidney would get her a ring.

Luvvie: That’s where she was wrong at.

Shatani: oh noooooo, im much too petty for that shit! i will have you kidnapped so you wake up in a hotel bathtub full of ice!

Nora: I gave him my kidney and he gave me antibiotic-resistant clap. That’s how I imagine the kidney-giving girlfriend’s letter.

Natasha: If you didn’t come out of me, and I didn’t come out of you, then you gets no organ. We can do a blood transfusion though for the person who participated in the making of my children. I sure do hope that my husband reads this and laughs. Seriously. He could get an organ, cuz him fine.

Ari: You not in love with me, ya not in love with my organs. Let’s FULLY sever our ties…except the medical profession frowns on reverse transplants. ???? So, an alternate is for me to burn every single material possession he holds dear and dare him to try to sue me.

Michael: I’d be suing his ass for loss of consortium on that kidney. Some shit. He’d be in court foreverever trying to fight me. You wanna leave after I cut myself open for you?! You. Shall. Pay.

Keke: I mean….I might give a dude a hallmark card and some sympathy but a kidney tho??

Jabari: TUH! It needs to be a ring, a ceremony and a couple of decades involved before we even discuss this…

Shatani: and i must be the LAST resort!

Jeralyn: Hellllllll naw! He gotta die for sheer stupidity in thinking he could ever not love me anymore after I saved his sorry ass life!

Lauren: If you give a kidney to a man who has the audacity to ask for a kidney from a woman he couldn’t be bothered to marry, you cannot be surprised when he “isn’t in love anymore.”

Karen: SING IT FOR THE CHIRREN LAUREN

Drea: First of all comma…..

Luvvie: FIRST OF ALL COMMA BITCH COMMA

Alexis: Idris Elba, David Oyelowo, my mama, and my godkids might get an organ… Anyone else can get a bandaid and some neosporin.

Luvvie: I LOVE me some Idris but his peen ain’t loyal. He will not be getting no kidney from me. With his FAHN ass.

Lauren: I might have to repo that kidney.

Jareesa: Hell you can’t even give a husband a kidney. George Lopez divorced his wife after she gave him a kidney. I would have asked for my kidney back in divorce court.

Monita: Didn’t Tracy Morgan get a kidney and leave the woman too? Imma need your whole retirement. Sir, that 401k is mine! You leaving? You gon pay me black market prices for that kidney. How you gonna break my heart, AND take my f**king kidney too! NOPE! Not tuhday junior satan.

Tiffany: George Lopez’s wife donated a kidney to him…he then cheated on her

Luvvie: That’s fuckshit.

Regan: Of the highest degree.

Hija: Fuckshit to the infinite degree of fuckshittery!!

Tiffany: & it was with hookers…

Niesha: Men gon men. Lol i kid i kid

Eva: He references it in his new show. I had to look it up…. I knew he had gotten divorced and it wasn’t pretty, but after the first show I googled. Sir. That’s nasty.

Theressa: That’s when you start moving furniture! Ain’t no way you’re leaving my house with my kidney intact lol.

Kemi: Shit at least she was married to George Lopez. You would do a lot for your supposed life partner. For this dude’s b*tch ass to take something like that from her when he wasn’t all in is complete and utter fcukery. I think there are a lot of things some women would do to lock down their men (i.e pregnancy) but ain’t a lot willing to undergo removing an organ to give to someone else. That is the height of selflessness. She ain’t remove a rib for a smaller waist or got a nose job. She chose to be completely selfless to a selfish horse’s ass who knew he didn’t feel a forever type of love. Oooh he should walk into traffic.

Eva: What kind of person though, married or not, takes your organ knowing he doesn’t love you? I mean. I know that taking a chance on finding a donor is crazy too, but I think taking organs from someone you are pretending to love is a guaranteed up front window seat on the shuttle bus to hell.

Sarita: maaaaannnnnn listen…. even when i was engaged dude wasn’t getting my organs. no ma’am. ain’t no way. side note… i saw an episode of divorce court, dude said he wanted the implants and teeth he bought her back. i was HOLLERIN through that whole episode! “ain’t nobody else gonna enjoy the titties i bought!”

Luvvie: Yes, he should break up with her if he is no longer in love but I would not blame her if she was bitter from it. That’s some shit. I literally gave you a part of myself and that wasn’t even enough. Ouch.

Lesha: I can’t even begin to process the depths of bitterness my soul would have to recover from if I were in this situation. I need a nap.

Dowan: Kidney donor here. Donated to my mama. They gave me the option to back out up to the day of surgery. The psych evaluation is no joke and I don’t think that my transplant team would have done this one.

Amber: Same here, I was literally IN THE OPERATING ROOM about to be put under and they asked me one last time just to be sure!

Ebonie: Snatch my kidney right out his side. You only leave this relationship with what you came with.

Shatani: yeah! eff that community property shit!

Briana: Nah. Or if I do, we signing a legally binding agreement that stipulates if I give you an organ and you subsequently do some fuck shit, I will slowly collect repayment by taking small things, one by one, until we reach the equal value of said organ. Like a pinky toe. Then the left nipple. And so on and so forth. #legallypetty

Dupe: That’s cool. Don’t be in love, we gon still be in this relationship tho. Ain’t no breakup bih. Giiirrrllll muggs be trippin! Accepting kidneys then falling outta love. TRIED. IT!

Olatokunbo: nope. Not me. i ain’t gon be able to do it. i give u one of my organs, we go together FOREVER but more importantly, we have GOT to stop doing wife ish for enwurds that ain’t our husbands. nope. not gon do it.

Dupe: OK! And you can move on if you want to, I’ll be right there with you. Got a new girl? Hey boo, you go with us. Yall getting married? What are OUR wedding colors? And if she can’t accept this package, she was never meant for us anyways. If he can’t accept this arrangement, don’t ask me for no damn kidney before marriage and loyalty.

Sharon: I’m leaving this earth with all the innards I came with!

Shania: I donate an organ and that is a blood oath only to be severed by death. You wanted your life before that organ, right? You gone lose it today, sir. You better go find your love for me and bring dat arse on home.

Ola: I’ve had a heart and kidney transplant. My donor is deceased and I’ve never seen a picture of her but I love her dearly for giving me the gift of life. This man is weak, whack and selfish. No woman is going to love you more than a woman that risked her life to save yours.

Karisa: I’m an organ donor but I’m not donating NAN organ to a boo unless we for real for real (see: Husband)…I’ll start a GoFundMe joint for your donation fund, though.

Busola: Well, as long as he knows that once he leaves, the kidney stops working

April: I don’t even like to share my food with a boyfriend, damn sure ain’t sharing my organs! I’m saving my kidneys in case my diabetic son needs one.

Bird: I showed up to an exes amped ALL the way up once to demand my favorite wide toothed comb back….so PLEASE BELIEVE i will make an appearance with a ginsu knife and a bottle of peroxide to recover that kidney bruh.

Margeaux: *gets scapel* If you stay still, it won’t hurt as much. #MyKidneyComingWithMe

Cicely: There are people who donate to strangers.

Luvvie: And that’s fine. I’d rather donate to a stranger. Backwards? Maybe.

Amber: I barely want to share my bed! A kidney and we’re not picking out burial plots? Nah, son.

Faelyn: You gotta be one of my kids in order to do that one. Ain’t no way I’ma give you one of my organs so yo dumbass can live longer after we part ways.

Keisha: Buck up Bih. You best find a way to fall back in love or die. Cause those would be your options. Done took 5 years of her life AND an organ, but noooow you ain’t in love no moh?

Luvvie: RIGHT!

Keisha: My husband can’t ever leave cause I shared my crab legs with him back in 2000. Let me give you an organ, you can’t even die first!

Luvvie: LMAO!!!

Priscilla: That kidney must be connected to some mighty good DICK. #iswear

Luvvie: MIGHTY good.

Rachel: Like… I wouldn’t even give you my shaki off my plate, never mind my kidney. When they tell people “Be nice to your family and friends” and they don’t. Now you’re looking at me talmbout you need a kidney. Nope.

LaToia: You can leave but leave the kidney here.

Darlene: I know a married couple that this happened to. He left her and took her kidney.

Tiki: Better fall back in love or gimme my kidney back. Better yet, I’m a nurse I’m taking whats mine and leaving. #PettyMarie

Jessica: Internal organs deserve a pre-nup.

Errin: I’m not even tryna let you see my GOOD PEN, much less a major organ!

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I am cracking up at us. We are definitely a family of petty people. I wonder what’s gonna end up happening. All I know is I’m not here for this “ride-or-die” life for temporary mofos. Poor girl. No good deed goes unpunished.

Shoutout to Abe, whose comment I chose to be the title of this post.