One Dumbass Man, One Dead Eel, and One Huge Fail

Sometimes, truth is stranger than fiction. And sometimes, you read some news and wonder how people are so stupid that they get themselves in the strangest situations.

I just read a story on Huffington Post about a man in China who stuck a 20-inch live eel up his yansh because he saw it being done in some porn he watched. And the eel tried to eat its way out of his body, chewing through his colon and getting stuck in his body cavity.

What the Fuck are you doing Cat

The dude finally goes to the hospital and it takes an all-night surgery to extract the eel from his body. And the eel died soon after.

What the hell??? Seriously. What in the hell would possess someone to do this? I have so many questions and below is just 5 of them.

1. What kinda pr0n is he watching where someone stuck an eel up their butt? I mean, what kinda kinky things are y’all into that it’s a turn on to watch an animal GO UP someone’s rectum??? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE???

b. Who watches a movie or anything, sees an eel being stuck up someone’s ass and thinks “I want to try that!”


4a. How did the man figure this story was gonna end without a hospital visit? Did he think he would just shit the eel out? Like up you go, see you down here in 12 hours? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE???


dontwanttoliveonthisplanet gif

I really feel like humans are regressing into stupidity by the minute because this story and others like it are too common right now. Why are we this dumb? Who does this?

That poor eel. Who’da ever thunk that I could feel bad for an eel. That thing was tryna eat its way out. TRYNA MAKE A WAY OUT OF NO WAY! And it lost its life in the end. Bury that eel a G because it fought the good fight.

And here’s the part that does make me cackle. The man might be facing animal cruelty charges because of the EEL-icide caused by his destructive curiosity. And I hope he does. Just so he can learn a lesson in the art of not making stupid ass decisions. Because clearly he is the king of belligerent dummies. He is President, CEO, Chairman and Executive Director of Team Bad Decisions.

If you need the meaning of failing at life, it’s putting an animal up your ass, having it desperately try to get out, you have to have surgery to get it out and then it dies right after they do. And you might be getting charged for committing a crime. THIS IS FAIL EPITOMIZED.

Chile. I’m truly unable to deal, can or even. I am unable to even deal and my CANS are currently on layaway. Did y’all read this story and wanna fight the air too?

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  1. Jalanda Hudson
    April 10, 2013 at 6:14 pm

    Stupid ASS decisions. Yup. Exactly.

    • JazzT
      April 10, 2013 at 6:21 pm

      all net.

    • AB
      April 10, 2013 at 6:39 pm

      Be sure to tip your bartenders, ladies and gentlemen!

    • April 10, 2013 at 6:52 pm

      I see what you did there. And I applaud you.

  2. April 10, 2013 at 6:24 pm

    That dude is not only the President of Team Bad Decisions, he’s also a client. What in the fresh Long John Silver HELL would make you put an eel up your ass (that was rhetorical, I really and truly don’t wanna know!)

    Great post, Luvvie!

    • cokopuff78
      April 11, 2013 at 12:10 am

      dead at *Long John Silver Hell*

  3. April 10, 2013 at 6:37 pm

    I feel bad for the eel. That eel was like “No weapon, Father” and tried to make it…poor guy.
    …but ole dude…smh.

    • CafeGirlsPress
      April 11, 2013 at 9:53 pm

      I am crying. Just crying. *No weapon* *weeps* No weapon and no country.

  4. QuitaP
    April 10, 2013 at 7:04 pm

    I’m ashamed that he’s part of the human race! I was highly entertained by the antics of a doped-up Hannah on the tv series, Girls. That doesn’t mean I’m going to cop some dope and trying it out for myself. Seriously, people need to learn the difference between porn and reality.

  5. April 10, 2013 at 7:08 pm

    I am mad at myself because the ONLY thing about this that baffles me is the lack of planning!!!! What was step 2 after “Insert eel here”? What was the back out plan? Was he expecting the eel to do its business and politely exit stage left? How drunk can a person get!?!? #hellinahandbasket #endtimes #delurking

    • minacakes
      April 10, 2013 at 8:47 pm

      “Was he expecting the eel to do its business and politely exit stage left?”

      I believe that’s exactly what happened. At least it tried. wompity womp womp

  6. Carriecnh12
    April 10, 2013 at 7:09 pm

    “Rage, rage, against the dying of the light” “Do not go gentle into that good night”. That Eel raged against going into that not so good night, it said to itself “And death shall have no dominion”, it fought valiantly, but alas dies in vain. sacrificed because of the ignorant, ridiculous, backwards and every negative adjective whims of a fool.

    Jesus come for your children, because this world needs delivering.

  7. Jabari
    April 10, 2013 at 7:20 pm

    #IHatePeople *goes to pack a bag* Look here, I’m about to go onto a cliff and wait for the rapture cause if this kind of foolish is what’s hot in the streets, I knows my God is coming to save his people VERY SOON! Now who would like to join me?

    • foxxtalltrees
      April 14, 2013 at 11:55 am

      Bags were packed after I read “20inch eel up his yansh.” Things like this once again proves I must be from another planet because I can’t be the same species as these fools. I just refuse to believe it. There are too many of them so I must be the odd one!

  8. bonnie
    April 10, 2013 at 7:34 pm

    I’ve often said that stupid should hurt…it’s nice to know that there are some cases where it actually does…

  9. BE
    April 10, 2013 at 8:43 pm

    I hope there is a court case and i pray its televised. I just hollered so hard. i might get kicked out of the gym.

  10. peechi_keen
    April 10, 2013 at 9:29 pm

    Excuse me for saying this but his mom should have swallowed instead. Who in the hell does something like this? I understand that there some peens that could be about the size and length of an eel, but to use a live eel for this is just eeewwww.

    What the hell is wrong w/the world?

  11. Yoles
    April 11, 2013 at 8:30 am

    Japanese adult erotic cinema often has themes with eels and insertion among many other “acquired” tastes…

    as for him purchasing an eel and trying it at home, i have no words…

    RIP Eel-O

  12. April 11, 2013 at 9:33 am

    Silver lining: if he’s put in jail on the animal cruelty charges, I’m sure he’ll have plenty of chances to experiment with things going up his butt.

  13. Ra
    April 11, 2013 at 10:20 am

    Why did you share this! I could have gone a millenia in bliss, without this knowledge. Wretched. But funny. In a messed up kind of way.

  14. Court
    April 11, 2013 at 10:52 am

    um…didn’t Richard Gere do this with a gerbil years back? Or was that just a rumor? Anyone remember that?

    • Christie
      April 13, 2013 at 5:43 pm

      It was a rumor that most people believe. It’s also a story that’s been told for at least 20 years.

  15. Ayana
    April 11, 2013 at 12:03 pm

    I MUST stop reading your posts at work because I keep laughing out loud. “Bury that eel a G” and that cat gif…chile! I have no cans for this foolishness as Scandal has exhausted my stock pile. That man is the king of fools.

  16. Janay
    April 11, 2013 at 1:00 pm

    Flotsam right now is in deep despair….
    RIP Jetsam….

    Seriously, what in The Little Mermaid hayle did I just read?!

    • Nichelle
      April 11, 2013 at 1:33 pm

      dyin at little mermaid reference hahaha! iDied.

    • Adwoa
      April 11, 2013 at 1:59 pm

      HA! i just HOWLED at the thought of those evil playas talmbout “togethahhh – forevahhhh” not anymore, flotsam and jetsam!!! worst/best ever

  17. clinton
    April 11, 2013 at 3:01 pm

    I wish it would’ve been an electrical eel that would’ve really got his dumbass together. I mean really though how the fuck you wake up one morning and go him I feel trying to stick an eel up my ass so I can lose a portion of my colon and make my life completely humiliating. Wtf…thats one of those stupid people in the world that needs to hold their breath for a while.

  18. Leah
    April 11, 2013 at 3:30 pm

    I feel bad for the porn actor that this first happened to!

  19. Raven
    April 11, 2013 at 5:21 pm

    Carriecnh12, you took me back to Honors English with the Dylan Thomas poem..always loved that one

    I feel bad for the surgeoons on their feet all night fixing stupid. Im sure he left the OR with a colostomy ( bag of stool on his belly)…daily reminder of his stupid.

  20. April 12, 2013 at 9:29 pm

    I read that story and my spirit hasn’t been right ever since. Oh the pictures!!!! I can’t get them out of my mind…and did you see the x-ray!?? I’m surprised that man isn’t dead to the bed. He nasty. And he needs a first class therapist to get his head right.

  21. foxxtalltrees
    April 14, 2013 at 12:02 pm

    BTW my heart seriously breaks for that poor ell. No joke, imagine the unnecessary suffering it went through bc of this idiot. Not ok. I hope they throw the book at him and part of his parole is he can’t be less than 50 yards from any small animal (or anything with a brain) or do anything else stupid. You know it won’t last.

  22. Confucius Say
    April 14, 2013 at 3:20 pm

    Why was his anus so loose that he was able to fit a live, slithering EEL up there? There were no bananas or cucumbers that needed to be anally raped? I’m also curious to know why the doctors bothered to remove the eel. Let that fool die by his own stupidity.
    Humans are the dumbest animals. Always have been, always will be.

  23. […] and doctors get to see and feel the brunt of humanity’s stupidity. Like the dude who stuck a live eel up his yansh because he saw it done in a […]

  24. Tracey
    August 20, 2013 at 1:57 pm

    I’m not even going to comment on Mr. Eel Up the Ass, but I will say that cat GIF by far the. Best. GIF. Ever.