Dear Stevie Wonder, Fire Your Team
So there other day, I watched the BET Honors, which gave awards to 5 people for their achievements in education, music, business etc. Honored included Queen Latifah, Whitney Houston and Diddy and 2 others. Stevie Wonder was all up through the show performing. He must have been up there at least 4 times. This is when I realized that I’ve had a bone to pick with Stevie for a while. So he is the recipient of this week’s sternly-worded letter.
But before I start, READ IT ALL! I ain’t sitting here talking about his blindness. So all of ya who are ready to hop up. Saddown and calm your nerves. I think I stayed respectful. With that being said, let’s carry on.
Dear Stevie Wonder,
Hey Stevie, hey. Can we talk for a minute? You’re a legend. Icon. Superstar. You’ve had staying power unseen in the music industry, save a few people. You are definitely wonderous. *sigh* But I do have some suggestions for you. No I don’t have any qualifications to warrant my unsolicited advise. I’m just a small time blogger in a big time world. But I just love you, Stevie and I got your back. So please listen to me. Look behind the IG. I mean it. My advise?
Fire your PR team, stylists and handlers. Not now. But RIGHT NOW! They don’t wish you well. No really. I mean it. Fire every single person. From your agent who books your gigs to the stylist. ALL of them HAVE to go immejately!
So here’s the thing, Stevie. I’m not here to make blind jokes, because ain’t nothing funny about that. It’s taken nothing away from your musical genius. May have even added to it. So understand that this is coming from my purest heartspace. With that being said, let me continue.
My first gripe is with your style team. Why haven’t they informed you that your hairline jumped ship a long time ago??? Your hairline don ran underground. It’s wading in the water but no one has let you know. This is RUDE AS HELL of them! I’m REALLY mad at your stylists for this because when you first came out in the 70s, your cornrows were TIGHT, FLY and FRESH!!!
Sidenote but related: Does Stevie have braids or locs? I can’t qwat figure it out and it perplexes me. Do y’all know?
But your stylists have let you rock the same hairdo since then, but the difference is that your hairline has receded by 75%. Are they braids or locs? It doesn’t matter since it’s neither here nor there (coincidentally like… *pause* that hairline). This just ain’t fair to you, Stevie. It just ain’t! Fine, I will give them props for no longer including the beads. That is progress. You deserve BETTER, Stevie. You do!
This SAME stylist team dress you all kinds of ways sometimes too, Stevie. ALL kinds! You’ve been known to show up places with a sequined jacket on sometimes, with colors that make Joseph’s technicolor coat seem neutral. I just shake my head like “Come on!!!” At this year’s BET Honors, they had you in a blazer with tiger striped sleeves. I wondered if your team signed a deal with the House of Dereon Mufasa Men’s 2010 Fall Collection. It was out of order, Stevie. It really was. Why do they do you like this???
Above all, Stevie. I need you to fire your PR team and agent because they do you worst of all. You are an icon, Stevie!!! A DOGGONE icon! You ought to be treated as such. Why are you allowing them to book you for ANY ol’ gig you’re offered?
Your PR Team: “Mr. Wonder, you’re singing at the Harpo’s Juke Joint tomorrow behind Shug. You free?”
You: “Sho’ll am!”
Stevie, please have some standards about you. You’re on everybody’s stage, looking like a part of the house band. You’d probably accept the gig to be the Awards Show Sandman Sam, playing the piano when people’s speeches get too long. You’d perform at the Greek stepshow if they asked you to. A mess!
Last year’s Grammy Awards, they had you performing as backup to the Jonas Brothers (aka Hanson 2.0). THE GAHTDAMB JONAS BROTHERS!!! What in the holy legendary hell??? I was horrified. How dare they have you playing next to those Tweenyboppers? You got toe nails older than them! That’s like Patti LaBelle singing behind Rihanna. Or Toni Morrison accepting writing tips from Sister Souljah and Zane. Music WEPT! iCant. iWont. iShant. iReject it.
Then this year’s BET Honors, you were all up through there, singing with Trey Songz. At one point, Trey even had you scatting to “I invented Sex.” *WALL SLIDE* Stevie… I say STEVIE!!! You will NOT be following Trey Songz’s lead. YOU ARE A LEGEND! You’re not supposed to be doing alla this with these young’uns.
Anyway, Stevie, oh Wondrous one. I’ont like how you’re being disrespected all over the place in this manner. Why are they treating the legendary Mr. Wonder like a deaf, mute, blind AND paraplegic stepchild with lice? I shake my fists VIGOROUSLY at the team you surround yourself with.
You’ve put in WORK all these years like no other, and have earned the right to be choosy. Please learn to take a page from Julez’s book and say “No Thanks” sometime. If Diddy can have an umbrella holder, and he ain’t even a legend, you can have someone who will look out for you and let you know when a gig isn’t to your caliber.
That’s all I’m saying, Mr. Wonder. That’s all I’m saying. Look around you and cut that grass so you can see them snakes you pay. O__O
Yours in stanhood,
P.S. And yes, I will b*tch and moan about this EVERYtime I see you on TV.
P.P.S. You got new music coming out soon? Would love to hear something new. I mean, I still rock to “Cherie Amour” an’ em but we could use some new tunes. PLLLEEAASSEE? 😀
Edit: Lawd, the folks on Twitter don KILT me already with the hairline jokes! I’m tryna get their tweeting selves to leave their jokes here as comments. But lawd knows my Twitfam don’t listen. O__O