Taxes and Death: 2 Things You Can’t Avoid. Especially Taxes

There are few things you can’t avoid in life, no matter how hard you try. These things include death, bad music and taxes. It’s so serious that when you die, they play bad music at your funegro, while the gubment sends a eulogy that reads “We know you ain’t here and all no more but run us our money. Give St. Peter the check at the Gate. Kthxbai. Oh, and RIP and whatnot.”

Sidenote: Everyone has been to a funeral where Sister O’Dell has gotten up and went “WHHHAAAHHHH should I feel discouraged….” as she swayed back and forth. “His Eye is on the Sparrow” seems to be a requirement at every funegro. in my last will and testament, I will request it play NO PART in mine. Unless Lauryn Hill and homegirl from Sister Act 2 can be convinced to come sing it. If not, then NAWL!

Taxes are no joke. Countless celebrities have been dumb enough to not file, and the IRS has gotten even. As if the IRS doesn’t read TMZ *rolls eyes* They probably got a department that monitors celebrities. If they don’t they ought to. Ron Isley is still spending time “between the sheets” behind bars because of it. People have gotten off for heinous crimes like murder, money laundering, and being professional criminals only to be caught up by the IRS for tax evasion and end up behind bars anyway (See: Al Capone). Unka Sam does NOT play bald-headed games with people. Unlike the Los Angeles Police Department, they don’t gibbadamb if you’re famous or not. They WILL get what is theirs. They are the ULTIMATE kings of the shakedown. They get theirs against all odds.

There’s a list of other celebs that have gotten into trouble with the IRS HERE. This list is QWAT extensive.

Anywho, the rest of us reg’lah folks also gotta file taxes. Just because we don’t make millions doesn’t mean we don’t owe Unka Sam like we owe our rent. Unless we make less than $500 a year. Which would either make us homeless, or college students. Sometimes, this isn’t mutually exclusive. Everyone else, you better crank them taxes!

I’d like to take this time to give some folks shoutouts:

• Shoutout to everyone who hasn’t even filed their taxes yet, but have already spent their refund in their head. I see me you!!!

• Much love to Crissle for getting $4 back on her taxes. But apparently, it means she actually did good. I just learned that you’re SUPPOSED to break even or close on taxes because it means that you aren’t giving the government any extras during the year. Thanks to the Twitfam for educating me on that. Apparently, I’m a tax dummy. I’m cute and funny. Y’all aint expect me to be smart too, did ya? Hell. Now u jus axing (yes, axing) for too murch. The day I break even on taxes, I’mo kick a chair. Taxes would be so anti-climactic. Like chex with a virgin. Or so I’ve been told.

• Big ups to everyone looking for a kid to claim on they taxes. Ye’en birf em, ye cant claim em (if their mama already has).

• Giving props to all the deadbeat dads who know their kids’ social security numbers so they file their taxes in early January and screw their baby mothers out of thousands. O__O

• *Head nod* to everyone who’s avoiding tax filing b/c they afraid of how much they gon owe the gubment. Ignorance is bliss and not filing is stalling.

Oh taxes. You can’t live with(out) them, you can’t live without them. Tax season is either Christmas for some people (Yayyy monies!) or Halloween (scary as hell) for others. What’s it to YOU?

P.S. I was asked folks on Twitter which tax preparation website they liked the best: H&R Block ot TurboTax. 10 minutes later, I got an email from H&R Block with the subject “Maximize your refund.” THEY SPYING ON ME!!! *WALL SLIDE* O__O #Taxluminati