LettersSocial Media

Dear GMail, Never Crash Again

So I was minding my own bitness at work yesterday when I refreshed my GMail inbox and saw that it was down. Life got real dark right then and there. This is why this week’s sternly-worded email is to GMail. For playing all these bald-headed games with me and my emotions.

Dear GMail,

Me and you go way back to December 2004, when I somehow got my hands on that elusive invite. I felt like top flight emailer of the world. I was in the VIP of inboxes! Since then, you’ve been my ACE! In the 4.5 years we’ve gone steady together, you ain’t ever pulled something like you did yesterday. And if you did, I repressed the memory because it was so painful.

Picture it, my computer, 2009… It was 3pm and I decided to refresh my GMail inbox. I tried to and got an error message. I refreshed and tried it again and the same thing popped up. What the duece???

502 Server error DEEZ, GMail. Server Error DEEZ! *pelvic thrust* (No Giggity)

Then I went to Twitter to air my grievances because I thought I was just being punished for laughing so hard at inappropriate things. But it turns out that everyone’s GMail was down, because there was a Twitter panic-fest going on. Well, since grieving together helps the process, I asked folks to join me in a group *wall slide*. We united as one and it was the human sham wow heard around the world. All for your absence, G.

You crashed smack dab in the middle of the day, G? It that what we REALLY on? GMAIL, WHY WON’T YOU LET ME BE GREAT??? *wall slide again* What happened? Did you get signed to BadBoy Records and get sent to the land of irrelevance? Or did you get signed to YoungMoney and catch the VeeDee? Either way, it was RUDE and uncalled for.

With you being down, it meant GChat was also down, which meant I couldn’t chat with my folks an’ em. This was the roughest of all. It got so bad that I even considered getting on Facebook chat. But that crazy thought left me after .5 seconds. HELL to the NAW Bobby! iRebuke Facebook chat! I got 1300 FB friends. I’d get a seizure from all them chat windas. NO SAH. DO NOT WANT.

After about 30 minutes of you being down, I promise I started scratching my neck like a crackhead. Then I hollered “I NEED MY HIT!!! Where is my ePipe???” *faints* It was pitiful. GMail, if you were crack, I’d be Frankie. MAN DOWN!!! HOLLLLAAAA!!!

The Fail Whale got GMail (oh snap! That rhymes!)

When it got so bad, I started texting folks. iSweahfoLawd if I go over my texts cuz I gotta have these long convos with people since GChat was down, I’m sending Google a bill that says “OWE ME BACK!” Then I started panicing and send out an SOS. Quick! Someone text me! I feel disconnected. “Why you crying, Miss Sofia?” “Cuz I’ont know yall no mo'” (there’s a Color Purple quote for every life situation).

Sidenote: No I don’t have unlimited texts. I got 750 outgoing and unlimited incoming. Besides, who needs unlimited txts when I got BlackBerry Messenger & GChat? Everyone I need to talk to got 1 or both. It allows me to save $5 a month *CheapAss Alert*. Let’s ignore the fact that I went over my texts by 50 messages last month and had to pay $16 extra on my bill. Then Sean of FreshXpress told me to step into 2009 for not having unlimited texts and proceeded to tell me his Mama AND Granny even had unlimited. Then he decided to teach me a lesson by sending me 10 texts in a row with dollar signs. iHate him. LOL. DON’T JUDGE ME!! *slinks away* *dials* “Yeah hello? I’d like to upgrade my text plan. My friends teased me.” Jerks.

Talk about digressing… Anywho, I’m glad I wasn’t the only one feeling all outta wack without you. All us GMail users (aka the Cool Kids) were mad distraught. I think you may have made grown folks cry do work.

Finally, you came back and the skies opened up. To celebrate, I did cartwheels, somersaults and all types of inappropriate jigs. Yes, I pulled a Brother Franklin. “This is the dayyyyyyy…”. But just as you came back, Twitter had a stroke and was on wonk mode. But I bet MySpace was still working. Yesterday was a Black day for Social Networking. *sad face*

GMail, you’re the rock to my socks, the bees to my knees and the stew to my rice. Please never do that again. My achy breaky heart can’t take another GFail-Gate 09. iCan’t deal. It almost broke my spirit. I need you in my lifespace. Never forget it!

Yours in (dysfunctional) dependence & crackish stan-dom,


Edit: With all the hollering I was doing, I only had 2 new emails when GMail came back. I was salty, talmbout “NO ONE LOVES ME!” A good mess.

So how did y’all cope with GMail being down. Did you actually, you know, do work at work? Or were you too traumatized to be productive?

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  1. Tunde
    September 2, 2009 at 4:14 pm

    i was distraught. i normally don't get that many emails during the course of the day in my gmail inbox (only important mail goes there) but i have a lot of gchat buddies and it helps pass the day if i can chat. the last 30 minutes of my day dragged by. i almost cried. well not really but i thought about it.

  2. Angeleyes
    September 2, 2009 at 4:20 pm

    OMG I felt the SAME way! I thought it was my work computer tripping, but I tried from my cell phone and got the same message/screen. I had my mom check hers….I didn't know what to do! Fortunately I was almost done for the day (5pm EST), so it wasn't a huge loss. I would have been distraught if I had to got more than an hour w/o my Gmail!! Thanks for making me laugh and letting me know that I was not alone!!:D

  3. true2me
    September 2, 2009 at 4:23 pm

    LMAO..everyone's wasn't down. People were texting me "Why u sign off" and the what not. I was missing gchatting my friends with my random boring bullshyt and random monotanous thoughts….So twitter became main peice and gchat became the side piece. Which was hard cause twitter was ALWAYS the sidepeice cause of the problems it caused me before, not always being available when I need. Im just goin to be chat single. Shoot, I even started to use my damn YAHOO ACCT for status updates (yes the new yahoo does that).

    *sigh*..I wall slide with you….and its too funny all that fuss you did and 2 emails..prolly spam LMAO

  4. @SBailey7
    September 2, 2009 at 4:53 pm

    When you sent the tweets with Brother Franklin & The Color Purple quotes, I about died. You are out of control…lol. I'm glad gmail came back up when it did…it took long enough.

  5. Reecie
    September 2, 2009 at 5:23 pm

    Yeah work was MIGHTY slow without my beloved gchat. I started reading a magazine–not online mag, but a real mag. I always keep one at work for when absolute boredom strikes. LOL.

  6. Blackberry Molasses
    September 2, 2009 at 7:33 pm

    iCackled loudly at this post. Because I was right there with you. Wall slidin' and everything. I thought I was going to black out from hyperventilating. Rocking in the corner singing "Swing loowww, sweet chariot…" The world had gone mad!! No Gmail?!?! No IG Chats? FML!!!

    Then when it came back, I sweahfo' The Pearly Gates I saw heavenly rays of light part the clouds and rest on my keyboard. A voice from Heaven said "Type, my child. Check your e mail."

    *sigh* I truly need Jesus. I have problems.

  7. bogart4017
    September 2, 2009 at 8:00 pm

    Its that withdrawl you get from being too connected!

  8. Ms. Allyce
    September 2, 2009 at 9:20 pm

    Hey Luvvie, love your blog…it keeps me cackling every week!! On the the GMail issue, after trying to send the same email 5 times, I decided to ask someone else if they were having the same problem….but I couldn't because their was no GChat. I actually had to pick up the phone…#WHEREDEYDOTHAT?!?!?!?! I too was forced to be productive DURING the work day…FML!!

  9. LoudPen
    September 2, 2009 at 9:51 pm

    Luvvie, you hilarious…seriously. I'm almost (almost) glad I don't know you in real life cuz I think we'd get into trouble cracking ignant jokes and what not.

  10. Lite Bread
    September 3, 2009 at 1:42 am

    Yer Mostest Awesomelynessis Self,
    Uh, what’s G-mail?
    I had to Wikiwiki it. No idea.

    I update my technological personal communication knowledge about as often as KindredSmile and V .dot update their personal sites … uh, not often.

    (Now my girly VW Beetle will run into a powerpole …)
    (PS. NO. I don’t own one)

  11. Miss Patterson
    September 3, 2009 at 2:04 am

    you are in rare form today, miss luvvie.
    you know i missed this whole upset yesterday. i knew something was wrong yesterday, because i actually *worked*. next time if i get the impulse to be productive like that i'll be sure to see what's going on in the cyberworld. then i can join in on the ig… xoxo, miss p.

  12. becca
    September 3, 2009 at 6:17 am

    "Did you get signed to BadBoy Records and get sent to the land of irrelevance?" HILARIOUS!

  13. maxfab
    September 3, 2009 at 1:57 pm

    okay me PEEING myself laughing at this is officially my ab workout for the day.