I’m on an Anti-Diet
I know people are still dragging, dreaming of roasted turkey, mac ‘n cheese, stuffing, pies, jollof rice, suya, plantains… Wait, where was I going with this? Ah yes, it has been a rough transition back to work mode for some.
Onward… I’m naturally small, and I’m built like I run track (minus them HUGE thighs). Blame it on genetics. I’ve been the same weight + or – 3 pounds since I was in high school and have only gone up one size. My metabolism is faster than the IRS is in collecting their payment. Well, I went on my annual physical last Tuesday (that’s a post within itself. Watch out for it), and found out that I’ve lost a bit of weight (for me, anyway). After a dramatic gasp from me, the Doc asked if I’m stressed out (not after I found out “Scrubs” will be back. Whew), or if I’ve been working out lately (after I cackled and wiped tears out my eyes, I said “HELL NAW” “No”). A gym ain’t seent me since… Bush’s approval rating was over 30%.
Doc: “Well maybe you just haven’t been eating well. Increase your calorie intake.”
Me: “Shonuff, Doc”
Given, I lost about 7 lbs, but I was already barely at weight to give blood. Now if I was to try, I’d get a side-eye and a notarized request for more people. I think I may have just heard a throng of “boooooos” go off in Blogville, but just like being too big is a problem, being too skinny ain’t ideal either. And no, I don’t look like Whitney Houston circa 2005 (like I’m on that crack rock), but I could use a little more meat on my bones. I don’t want my elbows to get so sharp they could cut glass. NO SAH!
Anywho, all this is to announce the fact that I am officially on an ANTI-DIET, meaning I’m eating everything in sight. When I got home from my appointment, I promptly ate 2 meals (including 3 egg whites), yogurt, and drank some strawberry milk. This ain’t a GAME! For the past week, I’ve eaten myself senseless, and shall continue to do so. I’ve went to my favorite crepes place twice since Wednesday and got crepes with caramel and strawberries. I’m a regular there, but even they were like “Clearly, she is addicted”. When I told all this to V.E.G., she went “You know you don’t have to gain all the weight you lost back in a weekend.” Me: “The HELL I don’t! Watch me try! I don’t even fit into my ‘thick’ jeans anymore!” *sobs*
Sidenote: Doesn’t every skinny person have them “thick” pants they cherish so?? Well mine are too big now and it made me sad. I don’t have a scale at home so I will measure my success and the impact of my anti-diet by being able to fit them right again.
Thanksgiving came at the right time because it was perfect for my anti-diet. The amount of food I consumed that day alone could feed a small third-world country for at least a week. I had pre-itis, post-itis, hyper-itis… ALL of it. If I didn’t gain a pound, then I’ll know there’s a tapeworm that has pitched a tent, is roasting smores, and singing “Kumbaya” in my stomach. Gluttony, thy name is Luvvie.
So friends, I need your help in getting my medicine (seeing as how the doctor did prescribe me food. Ok, so she didn’t make it an actual prescription, but those are just formalities). It is your job to feed me. Who wants to take me on lunch dates?? Dinner?? You never know… it may be tax deductible under “Medical Expenses”. OR it could be considered a charitable contribution. You could say it is to the “Feed the Luvvie Hunger Fund”. I must make this cause a 501(c)3.
*Crickets*
You suck!
*Stomps off eating a Big Mac*
Me at every meal
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10 Comments
Boo yo skinny malnourished ass, i am always perpetually one 99 cent menu item away from plumpness so hush yo sharp acute boned scalene triangle ass up….. no offense, LOL!!!
The only thing I found noteworthy in this post is that you’ve had crepes twice without me. This info, coupled with the facts that you owe me approximately a dozen crepes, will definitely lead to your demise. PAY UP, HOE!
wish i could lose weight like that! but good luck on your food journey!
Just be careful you don’t become a skinny fat person … meaning, you don’t acquire the diseases normally associated with people who are overweight. High blood pressure, cholesterol, all that.
Good luck though. As soon as they come up with a pound transfer system, please come holla. I have a few you can have for FREE-EASY.
My best friend has a metabolism so fast he could take in 5,000 calories in one day and a good 3,000 of them are gone by the time he lays down. He is constantly moving and I PROMISE you as soon as he eats something he is shatting it out within 20 minutes. He too is attempting to gain some weight after seeing a ton of people he went to college with and they told him he doesn’t look any different from freshman year…but they all look like adults. LOL
I did tell him that he needs to gain it the healthy way though because it would be a damn shame to get high blood pressure and cholesterol because he’s eating EVERYTHING he thinks will put weight on him.
I kind of hate you right now. Losing too much weight has never been a problem for me. Sigh…
-Jill
After reading this post (ok after sobbing and rocking myself calm in a corner) my first thought was to tell your skinny, walk like an egypitan, model size O, can make shirts outta bandanas (not encouraging that fashion faux-paux) to sit the hell down and eat your snacks quietly in the corner.
Why? Because, if you continue to talk about all your fat gurl snaks in fronta a reformed fat gurl snacker like myself, I might tackle you before I realize that Luvvie is thy friend.
So friend of friend of mine, eat you fat gurl snaks, crepes, carmel, cornbread and such bvut for the sake of my sanity, do it quietly and in the corner. For I like most women are standing in the middle of the room crunching on celery and carrots, and the slightest crackle of a chip bag, scrape of the fork and knife or lip smack will cause a stampede. (Have you ever seen I am legend? Yup like the army of the un-dead)
You have been warned!
I.hate.you.
that is all.
hatehatehatehatehatehatehate!!!!
alise is killin me calling yo ass scalene…. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
DANG IT! I crafted a response to each person and Firefox crashed on me. DAMNIT!!! I’m too lazy to retype all that.
You guys made me laugh so hard I cried. I love you all and you can’t leave me!!! *holds on to ankles*. So… none of yall said you would help feed me. Hmmm…