Some People Shouldn’t Be Allowed to Say the Grace When It’s Time to Eat
One of the things that those of us who are Christian hold dear as a tradition is the pre-meal prayer. We want to make sure that we ask God to bless what we are about to consume, so that it can be well and all that good stuff.
BUT… some people use the prayer as an opportunity to do the most, and at the end of it, you just wonder if God is chuckling and telling Jesus “did You hear that?”
Let’s talk about Nigerian people first. LAWD my folks will pray you into laughter. “GOD WILL BE THE MILK IN YOUR CEREAL AND YOUR CORN FLAKES WILL BE SWEET IN JESUS NAME!” I’m the person who has to be poked in the ribs to stop from cackling when this happens. Because how did we get there? Nobody’s s’posed to be there.
Sometimes, they’ll pray so hard that you’re pretty sure they’re cursing. “AS THIS FOOD GOES DOWN OUR STOMACH, LET OUR ENEMIES NOT FIND GOOD FOOD IN JESUS MIGHTY NAME.” But wait. Dang.
That’s a prayer that I imagine Kanye West would be about, though.“Jesus, let all of Kim’s broke exes bow down to me as I eat.” You know he would. Don’t even act like he wouldn’t.
Everyone got that family friend or aunty who volunteers to pray before y’all eat and folks groan because you know she’s bout to pray for 35 minutes. The food will be all cold by the time she’s done and everyone’s irritated because they wanted their chicken to be smoking hot. Like ma’am. You’ve been praying for 56 long minutes. CAN YOU WRAP IT UP!? My rice and stew is cold and my Fanta is now warm. Can holy ghost fire make my food warm again? If you’re trying to pray your way into Heaven, can you do it AFTER I eat?
Prayer warriors take their jobs very seriously when it comes to food time. Sometimes, they interrupt prayer to sing a hymn that came into their heart, and you wonder why they didn’t do the pre-game praise and worship session before food was done. All we need is some pre-planning.
This is why certain people are no longer allowed to lead pre-dinner prayer because they take advantage and start throwing shade in their prayer.
“Thank you Lord for this food. We are so blessed because today’s meal isn’t burnt like usual. Praise You for growth and cooking lessons.” MA’AM!
“We are so thankful to gather here together to partake in this food. Even though *insert name here* was late but she made it in time.” Sir.
Like Cookie from Empire, who said “And God, please do not withhold your blessings from hoes that hire skanks to spy on me in Jesus’ name!” LMAOOOOO!
We ain’t #AXED you to throw shade in prayer. You better say the grace and saddown. Take up your beef with her AFTER we eat. These pre-dinner prayers be less about praising God and more about showing out. It’s fun to watch, doe.
Or y’all know the guilt prayer. “Lord, we thank You that we gathered here. Whoever stole my favorite pen is in our midst. Please forgive them because I have.”
Or when your stomach starts to speak in tongues from hunger and the prayer becomes “We ALWAYS got time to praise YOU, Jesus. You are Lord.”
“Father, bless those who came in Your house wearing HALF their clothes to give you COMPLETE praise.” That pulpit shade. Nothing like it.
I love it. Being petty in prayer is so trifling but it’s always hilarious to witness. Still #FixItJesus. #LetUsSayAmenAlreadyLazarusRedeemer.