Some People Shouldn’t Be Allowed to Say the Grace When It’s Time to Eat

One of the things that those of us who are Christian hold dear as a tradition is the pre-meal prayer. We want to make sure that we ask God to bless what we are about to consume, so that it can be well and all that good stuff.

BUT… some people use the prayer as an opportunity to do the most, and at the end of it, you just wonder if God is chuckling and telling Jesus “did You hear that?”

Let’s talk about Nigerian people first. LAWD my folks will pray you into laughter. “GOD WILL BE THE MILK IN YOUR CEREAL AND YOUR CORN FLAKES WILL BE SWEET IN JESUS NAME!” I’m the person who has to be poked in the ribs to stop from cackling when this happens. Because how did we get there? Nobody’s s’posed to be there.

Sometimes, they’ll pray so hard that you’re pretty sure they’re cursing. “AS THIS FOOD GOES DOWN OUR STOMACH, LET OUR ENEMIES NOT FIND GOOD FOOD IN JESUS MIGHTY NAME.” But wait. Dang.

Praise Jesus gif

That’s a prayer that I imagine Kanye West would be about, though.“Jesus, let all of Kim’s broke exes bow down to me as I eat.” You know he would. Don’t even act like he wouldn’t.

Everyone got that family friend or aunty who volunteers to pray before y’all eat and folks groan because you know she’s bout to pray for 35 minutes. The food will be all cold by the time she’s done and everyone’s irritated because they wanted their chicken to be smoking hot. Like ma’am. You’ve been praying for 56 long minutes. CAN YOU WRAP IT UP!? My rice and stew is cold and my Fanta is now warm. Can holy ghost fire make my food warm again? If you’re trying to pray your way into Heaven, can you do it AFTER I eat?

Prayer warriors take their jobs very seriously when it comes to food time. Sometimes, they interrupt prayer to sing a hymn that came into their heart, and you wonder why they didn’t do the pre-game praise and worship session before food was done. All we need is some pre-planning.

Prayer five gif

This is why certain people are no longer allowed to lead pre-dinner prayer because they take advantage and start throwing shade in their prayer.

“Thank you Lord for this food. We are so blessed because today’s meal isn’t burnt like usual. Praise You for growth and cooking lessons.” MA’AM!

“We are so thankful to gather here together to partake in this food. Even though *insert name here* was late but she made it in time.” Sir.

Like Cookie from Empire, who said “And God, please do not withhold your blessings from hoes that hire skanks to spy on me in Jesus’ name!” LMAOOOOO!

We ain’t #AXED you to throw shade in prayer. You better say the grace and saddown. Take up your beef with her AFTER we eat. These pre-dinner prayers be less about praising God and more about showing out. It’s fun to watch, doe.

Or y’all know the guilt prayer. “Lord, we thank You that we gathered here. Whoever stole my favorite pen is in our midst. Please forgive them because I have.”

Or when your stomach starts to speak in tongues from hunger and the prayer becomes “We ALWAYS got time to praise YOU, Jesus. You are Lord.”

Praise God Bernie gif

“Father, bless those who came in Your house wearing HALF their clothes to give you COMPLETE praise.” That pulpit shade. Nothing like it.

I love it. Being petty in prayer is so trifling but it’s always hilarious to witness. Still #FixItJesus. #LetUsSayAmenAlreadyLazarusRedeemer.

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  1. February 3, 2015 at 2:15 pm

    OMG!! you are preaching to the choir with this one! One sister from my fellowship group would pray until the food got cold. bless her heart.

    • ucity88
      February 3, 2015 at 2:31 pm

      And the prayers before the repast? Be so long, the dearly departed has been resurrected already, walking in saying “DAAAYM, can we eat NOW??”

      • Tosha P
        February 25, 2016 at 12:54 pm

        Late as ever but uh ????????????????????????????????

  2. T. Shine
    February 3, 2015 at 2:21 pm
    • Shar
      February 3, 2015 at 2:33 pm

      Yasssss, bowdown boo boo kitty….lol

    • Milaxx
      February 3, 2015 at 3:57 pm

      YAS! Cookie’s prayer proves once again why she is #WINNING!

  3. ucity88
    February 3, 2015 at 2:28 pm

    Just to say, can I be down with whomever is the gif finder for your posts? Because…HOTLIKEFIYA!

  4. ZaidahNicole
    February 3, 2015 at 2:33 pm

    I started cackling before the article loaded …

  5. KhurvyK
    February 3, 2015 at 2:39 pm

    You know the pre-dinner prayer will be hellalong when it starts, “First giving honor to God, who is the head of my life; to Pastor *suchandsuch* and First Lady *soandso*; to my family gathered for this beautiful occasion….. Will you please get to the blessing, sir???? >___>

  6. February 3, 2015 at 3:20 pm

    We have a few prayer warriors in my family and my dad will SHUT IT DOWN when he’s hungry. Talkin about “hell naw, someone else say grace I need to eat TOday” lol

    • Niecy
      February 4, 2015 at 2:29 pm

      I LOVE your dad and I wish he was around for my aunts funeral..that “pre prayer” with the family before we even get to the church…still pissed..everybody was side eyeing the pastAH

  7. Serenity
    February 3, 2015 at 3:41 pm

    when people pray that long, I just start eating. Who’s gonna know if everybody’s head is down and eyes are closed?

    • stace
      February 9, 2015 at 9:17 am

      FOR THE WIN!!! All the way co-sign this one!!

  8. Janel Johnson
    February 3, 2015 at 4:06 pm

    This fool done prayed for the table. Not the food on the table. The literal table.

    • notconvincedgranny
      February 3, 2015 at 4:35 pm

      Make sure you have some collards and corn bread (not corn muffin) at my repast, because this done kilt me dead.

    • tade
      February 3, 2015 at 5:05 pm

      O my God, he blessed the empty table!!

      I like her for ” And God, please do not withhold your blessings from hoes that hire skanks to spy on me in Jesus’ name!” – Totally shut her down

    • Maxine Shaw, attorney-at-LOL
      February 19, 2015 at 11:44 pm

      If they’re about to play spades, I’d pray for the table, too. As Luvvie has taught us, spades is LIFE.

  9. notconvincedgranny
    February 3, 2015 at 4:34 pm

    My favorite:

    Good food
    Good meats
    Good God
    Let’s eat.

  10. Maxine Shaw, attorney-at-LOL
    February 3, 2015 at 4:52 pm

    How about I almost passed out at a Nigerian wedding because they were standing up so long? My hand to God, I thought nobody prayed longer or harder than black Baptists, but y’all got us beat like WHOA.

    • Bukky
      February 4, 2015 at 12:57 pm

      We turn prayers into a mini church service and we pray for EVERYTHING. You bout to leave the house to go up the street to the grocery store, let’s pray for journey mercy. First day of school? Let’s pray that the knowledge stays in your head and doesn’t leak out your ear…and so on. I appreciate it but Lawd sometimes we go too far!

      My cousin finished grad school last spring and folks legit prayed for 2 hours. Folks couldn’t even sit down to eat after had to pack up food to go. It was a showdown of who is the most holy, it was ri-damn-diculous. Prayers for congratulations on finishing grad school turned into prayers for finding a husband and giving birth to babies. Ma’am!! Sir!! You’re doing THE most!

      • KayCee
        April 10, 2015 at 2:49 pm

        I just had to reply to this!! I invited my friends from church for grad including the pastor and deacons and one deacon was asked to lead prayer before eating.
        Oh snap, BIG.MISTAKE.
        Thanked God for the graduation and all then prayed over my family and all AND THEN he prayed for a husband. Talking about how now that I have graduated, I am ready for marriage. SIR. Nawl! You doing too much.
        After however long he took, he proceeded to tell my mom to pray. Ummmm are we going to eat today? Because the rest of us are starving.
        Lol he is Nigerian

  11. Irritated and Hangry
    February 3, 2015 at 5:31 pm

    This brings up bad memories of my family’s Christmas prayer. My drunk uncle prayed, cried, and felt the need to bust out in a hymn all while my stomach started digesting itself because I was so hungry. Then my mom had the audacity to try to sing another song. I yelled AMEN and headed for the plates. I had enough of their foolishness.

  12. Stacy
    February 3, 2015 at 6:58 pm

    I’m laughing so hard because it brings up such good memories of my granny (R.I.P.) and her long prayers during Thanksgiving. It actually got to the point that she even will tell us: “I won’t be praying long”. Lord, I miss her.

  13. ucity88
    February 4, 2015 at 8:36 am

    Do these prayer infractions count as Black Privilege?? 😉

  14. Jabria
    February 4, 2015 at 3:59 pm

    This is my great-grandmother in every shape, form, and fashion. Will pray for 23 minutes and 17.8 seconds straight (my brother and I timed it once). Will have God blessing the smallest grain of salt on the tiniest crumb at the very bottom of the platter of chicken. And on the occasion that she doesn’t pray, whoever does better not take less than 10 minutes or you will get the meanest side-eye and one of those good southern lady, “Bless they heart, Jesus.” I love that woman to death, but she don’t play about her food-blessing.

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