Because Now You Can Get Collard Greens at Neiman Marcus

So at this point, I think the theme for 2016 is FIRMLY “The Devil is Busy.” As in, this year’s hashtag should be #TheDevilisBusy2016. Or #SatanisPuttinginWork2016. Because there is just too much foolishment happening. TEW MUCH, FATHA GAWD.

What happened this time? Well, luxury store Neiman Marcus is now offering collard greens for sale. Go back and read that sentence and come back.

Yes, Neiman Marcus, Nordstrom’s peer, is selling THE COLLARDS to the masses. On the same website where I can get a $1,200 Burberry trench (one day, Jesus. Let it be), I can order up some greens. All for the un-low price of $66.

Bhet why.

Bhet why.

Jesus is Lord. Collard greens don went designer! $66 for some leaves that will only serve 8-10 people?? Well, $81 once you add shipping. Do they cook themselves? Does it come with gold flakes to sprinkle over it after it comes off the stove? Does it clean itself? Has there already been a “get ready to eat” Apple Music playlist created for you when you order this? Why in the good damb hell would I wanna pay $66 for some spinach cousin? For 66 entire dollars, these greens better choose their own sides and cook them too.

For $66, this pot of greens better be able to mediate whatever argument will pop up when everyone else around the table finds out how much it costs.

Also, they’re talmbout “seasoned with just the right amount of spices and bacon.” I’ll be the judge of that. You know some folks don’t season their food. Mmhmm.

Listen here. What buyer at Neiman Marcus said “you know what we should offer to our customers? Greens.” And who was the boss who said “Agreed. That is genius.” If Neiman Marcus is your to-go store, you can probably manage to order some groceries to be delivered to you from a market. Hell, you’re probably play cousins with Whole Food’s buyer. Get your greens from there.

Why would I wanna order some greens at the same place where I go to purchase my Stuart Weitzman boots?

This is some Caucasity at work.

white nonsense 2

Folks have legit gentrified collard greens to the point where it’s being offered at a luxury store, under “gourmet food.” iSweatergawd if they put Grey Poupon on it, we might need to riot.

Under the same section, you can find a broccoli and cheese casserole and a $95 peppered corned beef. Because Neiman Marcus said “fuck a lane. I’ma drive down the middle of the road.” Bless up. Everything ain’t for everybody and it’s okay to master your merchandise. NEIMAN, YOUR JOB IS TO MAKE ME BUY PRETTY, OVERLY EXPENSIVE THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD BUT I WANNA WEAR ON MY PERSON ANYWAY. OR IN MY HOME. What is this mess?

Chile, everything is foolish and nothing makes sense.

P.S. this reminds me about the time me and my girls were at a conference and this one white woman came up to talk to us and thought she could find common ground with us by saying how much she loves to cook “a collard.” Mmhmm. Read that story of Sh*t One White Girl Said to Luvvie, Chescaleigh, Nicole and Tina at BlogHer.

P.P.S. Trust and believe when I tell you that you NEED to go read the comments for this post on my FB page. I AM CRINE. Read here.

BTW, it’s National Authors Day! Let’s celebrate by you buying my NYTimes best-selling book!

Did you buy my book yet, or nah?

Did you buy my book yet, or nah?

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  1. PamEla
    November 1, 2016 at 2:48 pm

    Does it come with a (lifetime) side of Idris? Then HAEL NAW!!!

  2. Kay
    November 1, 2016 at 3:01 pm

    “Collard greens don went designer” <– The can't is strong with this one!

    I've been waiting for this write up since I first saw the story! The wait was worth it lol

  3. LonDee
    November 1, 2016 at 3:17 pm

    I went and looked at their page. They have a “Holiday turkey dinner from Neiman Marcus Chef Kevin Garvin” for $495! Does Chef Garvin come with the meal? And how long can I keep him if he does? Can I get him to fill my freezer with enough meals to last me until the new year? O_____O

    • November 1, 2016 at 4:11 pm

      Does he wash the dishes after?

      • Katy
        November 1, 2016 at 6:15 pm

        This is the most important question thus far.

  4. Marki
    November 1, 2016 at 3:33 pm

    Oooool they don moved from the kale to the COLLARDS?? Get ready for Collard Chips w/ Sea Salt, Essence of Collards for dabbing behind your ears on date night and Collard woven Sweaters; for those nights where Mohair just won’t do..
    I simply KENNAUGHT!!!
    *hurries to my garden to snatch ALL my isht out the ground before whiteness gets’em.. ’cause I’ll Be dayum.

    • notconvincedgranny
      November 1, 2016 at 5:39 pm

      We. can’t. have. shite! I’m posting a 24 hr guard around the elephant ears in my backyard. At least they look like they were picked instead of just rolled and chopped with those woody ass stems still in ’em. Then again, the photo never matches the real thing.

      I’m mad atchoo doe for the sweater. Send me one.

  5. November 1, 2016 at 3:49 pm

    I guess there’s a market for everything, even for people who are too lazy to realize they can buy the raw ingredients, prepare and cook a tray of greens for $6.66.

    • Princesssookeh
      November 1, 2016 at 6:02 pm

      SHHHHHHHHHHSH! Don’t tell them that! White people will run up the price. Just like they did with quinoa, acai, and everything else.

  6. Stacy
    November 1, 2016 at 3:50 pm

    I bet they sprinkled the bacon on after they were cooked instead of throwing some smoked neck bones in the pot. I bet you people will buy them and tell their friends they had a diverse Thanksgiving spread. I rebuke all of this!

    • Juanita Harris
      November 2, 2016 at 1:14 am

      You know they did! Just like bacon bits. I posted this to FB and said “…and when you say they suck, and I ask if you put a ham hock in ’em and you say “no”…I don’t wanna hear it.”

      True Fax.

    • Lorna
      November 2, 2016 at 1:21 pm

      “Tonight, on a special ‘diverse’ Thanksgiving episode of The Columbussing Family…”

      Bret Columbussing, III: “Mom!! I invited my friend Jaylen T. Blacks for thanksgiving dinner.”

      Mom: “Ok, that’s fine. The more the merrier. Oh, wait, Bret. His name is ‘Jaylen’? That’s a somewhat ambiguously ethnic name isn’t it. Is he…? You know?”

      Bret: “Oh Mom! He’s a HUMAN! Why does his race matter?!”

      Mom: “Because we have the usual turkey, macaroni with American cheese, green bean casserole with nasty cream of mushroom soup, cranberry sauce with real cranberries that no one likes and ambrosia jello with angel food cake. If he’s …well…’ethnic’, then we’ll need something they eat. We want to be inclusive, Bret.”

      Bret: “Ok, fine, YES, he’s mixed mom. He’s Black and Latino.”

      Mom: “Thanks. Now I’ll just call Neiman Marcus to see if they have something that The Blacks eat. I’m pretty sure they have those large green things that aren’t as delicious as Kale, but I hear The Blacks eat them.”
      *she googles it from her cell phone*

      Bret: *rolls his eyes* “They’re called COLLARDS, Mom, and I doubt a store like Neiman’s would be so crass as to pander to liberals like us by having them in their…”

      Mom: “Yep, they have them! Great! And it also comes with bacon, which I’m sure The Blacks like, what with all the high blood pressure and whatnot. Plus I had a taco with bacon once so I’m pretty sure that covers both sides of his heritage. Thanks to Neiman Marcus, this is going to be a truly DIVERSE Columbussing Family Thanksgiving!”

      Bret walks away shaking his head as the screen goes dark and a commercial for TEN, the movie starring Bo Derek – ‘creator’ of the Cornrows hairstyle – comes on.

      • Angie
        November 2, 2016 at 9:07 pm

        This gave me a headache from laughing so hard. Thank you!!!!!!

      • Betty
        November 16, 2016 at 10:33 am

        Loved it!!!!!!

  7. QOS
    November 1, 2016 at 3:56 pm

    My girl posted the same exact line about the SW boots yesterday . Y’all think just alike .

  8. November 1, 2016 at 4:57 pm

    $66? And why is it another $16 to ship? $80 collards?!?!? Might as well add yams! Not sweet potatoes, YAMS!

  9. Dionne
    November 1, 2016 at 5:01 pm

    You can also get tamales, smh. But instead of selecting” flavor” they’re listed as “colors.” smh

  10. Alexis
    November 1, 2016 at 5:05 pm

    Don’t they know that charging far too much money for food I can make myself (mostly) so I can laugh at the catalogue is the exclusive province of Williams-Sonoma?

    Speaking of which, you can buy a fried chicken dinner for 4 for a mere $120:|food-entrees

    • Lorna
      November 2, 2016 at 1:38 pm

      iCan’t! iWon’t! iShan’t!!
      $120 for 8 pieces of dry looking chicken, raw collards mixed with swine, cheddar cheese sauce on pasta, and throw up? Seriously?!!

      Now I have to stop at Popeye’s on the way home just to wash the stench of seeing this Williams-Sonoma mess from my eyes. And Creamed Corn?! Do ANY of us willingly eat that mess? *throws up*

  11. April
    November 1, 2016 at 6:20 pm

    Re: P.S.

    Luvvie, why didn’t you tell us you had met Rachel Dolezal before she was famous?

    “And I love your natural hair. It’s just… yesss. I just love Black women. In fact, I’m actually a Black woman myself. I just left my spray tan at home.”

    And on the collards, if folks are fool enough to spend $66 on them, then I can’t be but so mad at Neiman Marcus. Plus, it saves the fresh, regular-priced greens for the folks who actually know how to cook them!

  12. November 1, 2016 at 7:27 pm

    But my thing is that they have to be shipping them raw right? RIGHT?? They cannot be shipping precooked soggy leaves to someone for consumption. They mean for you to assemble the ingredients like they do with Blue Apron.
    Cause this is some mess right here, and I mean that literally, $66 for garden leaves and insufficient salt and pepper for you know they only added ” just a pinch for taste”. Stupseee ????????????

    • CatCW
      November 2, 2016 at 3:02 am

      It says they’re fully cooked & shipped frozen.. Heat & serve. Nasty???? I think I’ve seen it all now ????????

  13. Gee
    November 1, 2016 at 7:57 pm

    My Nana came to me in a dream an said “Gina, don’t buy them greens! The stems is still on and you know Nana always washed them in a drop of Joy before we rinsed ’em! “????

    • November 16, 2016 at 5:24 pm

      A drop of joy and some salt. Mama said salt made the bugs rise to the top.

  14. lee
    November 1, 2016 at 8:07 pm

    Oh, Neimans we don’t call you needless markup for nothing. Glory greens are a lot less expensive if you dont want to cook your own…

  15. November 1, 2016 at 10:16 pm

    The Gentrification of the Collards? I can’t…

  16. November 1, 2016 at 11:11 pm

    I write a blog for my catering company and I found myself offended by the offering, too! In writing my blog, I came across yours…faster to the keyboard than I. I had to reference your incredulity! It made me laugh…Titus Andromedon, and all! is my post.

  17. slimpyslim
    November 1, 2016 at 11:22 pm

    you don wen and turnt it up! u don should learn to write properly isweatergod. me crine!

    • Mary
      November 1, 2016 at 11:35 pm

      I love her writing.

  18. Seth Brown
    November 1, 2016 at 11:57 pm

    I just came here for the comments.
    The collards, yall can keep em. Ill stick to my meemahs greens on holidays. #BYEneimans

  19. November 2, 2016 at 9:51 am

    child my sister sent that to me yestidee I was like oh heck naw. See Trump represents a turning of the tide. The lifting of the veil. When everybodys crazy and foolishness just leaps out and covers the masses. Like Collard greens for $66 satanic dollars!!!

    Well lissun here do they come steaming hot at the DOE!

    Do they come will all the necessary texas pete and siracha condiments. the latter for us bourgeoisie that still partake. I’m just saying does amber rose deliver them in a patent leather onsie I’m MISTAKENunderstod.

    Girl I won’t!

    • TJ
      November 2, 2016 at 9:48 pm

      ???????????? @ Satanic dollars

  20. November 2, 2016 at 12:04 pm

    They know their can’t be that many wanting to pay 15 times as much..just the right amount…hell to the yes it better be seasoned…on a serious note neiman Marcus can never be trusted with food…they told the federal govt they don’t have to follow food safety guidelines…they had an employee with exposed bone repeatedly bleed into food..Washington DC told them they do even if they are the Markup

  21. Victoria
    November 2, 2016 at 12:15 pm


  22. November 2, 2016 at 12:53 pm

    In their defense, not that I’m gonna buy them when my MIL can make them for a fraction of this price, if you’ve ever had nasty collards you know you’d pay any amount of money to get that taste out of your mouth. You know, that bowl of collards that are more grey than green because someone boiled the life out of those little greens like they were cooking peas instead of produce. Then they sprinkle the can of crispy onions on top like you’ll be distracted.

    Besides, how is someone supposed to watch the Madea or Husband of Hollywood marathon if they’re forced to be in the kitchen? Now this has me thinking that Tyler Perry or Kevin Hart is behind this ventures. You know they are everywhere. If they’re not, they will be soon. Because if people are willing to spend $80 buck on greens, those guys will figure out a way to make ’em pay $100!

  23. […] What is this nonsense? Lol I wish I would pay $66 and $15.50 in shipping for some Neiman Marcus collard greens….. … […]

  24. November 2, 2016 at 4:08 pm

    Anxiously awaits WS holiday catalog you know they ain’t passing up a chance to charge $200 for an ” Authentic Collard Green Pot”

  25. Serenity
    November 2, 2016 at 5:58 pm

    This is what white people do. They steal…. bastardize….. and sell it back to you like they invented it. I can’t be witty about this….. I’m offended

  26. Teptep
    November 3, 2016 at 4:42 pm

    The ancestors are side eyeing us from heaven

  27. Mary Burrell
    November 3, 2016 at 8:14 pm

    I bet they don’t taste as good as mine.

  28. cet
    November 4, 2016 at 7:49 pm

    Sold Out! Some folks will buy anything.

  29. Shefali
    November 7, 2016 at 4:55 pm

    You are HILARIOUS!!!!

    My parents are from India, I grew up in NYC, I thought only Indians ate greens and okra, because my Mom would cook them but none of my friends knew about them. Then I moved to the South, and all of a sudden I knew people who were cooking collards and mustard greens and okra – they used different recipes though. But it was so cool, I was like – I didn’t know Americans ate greens! (BTW, in my experience in the rural South, both blacks and whites ate greens.)

    IMHO, the best greens are the ones you pick from your own garden, if you have one. If you don’t, you can get them from a farmer’s market. Never use the canned stuff. I love them the way my Mom cooked them but I’ve also had really tasty greens from friends. Now I am craving them!

    But no way in h*ll am I paying $80 for them!

  30. […] way. Our paths will cross soon, but until then, I’ll continue to cackle at her commentary on current events and television […]