My Melanin-Deficient Readers Respond to Negotiate Terms of #BLAXIT
Yesterday, I published a post on what Black folks will take with us if we decided to make our exit (BLAXIT) from the United States. It was jumped off by Ulysses Burley III at The Salt Collective and basically, we are taking EVERYTHING awesome. Because we created/invented/brought them.
My white readers realized that they will be left with emptiness, and their comments made me howl. Some negotiated, some hit their wall slide, and some insisted we bring them with us. My Asian and Latinx sisters replied too, because they will be on our side: because minority solidarity.
Here are some of the conversations, from my comments and my Awesomely Luvvie Facebook Page.
Melissa: Heavens, I think us white people are down to dried peas and smallpox.
Josh: I’m just a white dude but I will miss most of this too much. Can I come along if I promise to be cool?
Tesha: Josh, because you asked nicely (and because we might need some manual laborers in Onyxica), yes, you may join us. Just know your stay will be subject to periodic reviews and you’ll be rooming with Wayne Brady.
Lauren: You’re going to leave kitten heels aren’t you? Just for spite.
Luvvie: Hell yeah. We want this to hurt.
Carly: I like kitten heels. My beauties, I will barter with you. I am going to create the IBJLC, the International Black-Jewish Lady Coalition, it will make NAFTA look like a joke. Mmmm, you’re gonna want some of this pastrami on rye, Donna Karan knits and polio vaccines. I will trade you some Law for some Jazz. <3
Jessica: We gotta take the polio vaccine and any other medicinal breakthrough based of the use of HeLa cells. Just saying.
Cynthia: Welp. With that, white society has been annihilated.
Carly: I am going to need some Little Richard, ice cream, traffic lights and moisture for this hair of mine. The Coalition is going to offer some specials on the five-day work week and brisket. Early American cinema is a free/equal trade. Monotheism also free.
Susan: Wayment, Carly kinda messed me up with monotheism. Who gets Jesus? Blacks or Jews? I mean, he’s Jewish, but do they really need him?
Carly: We will give you Jesus. We want Sammy Davis Jr. ::poker face::
Angelica: I believe the entire Rat Pack comes with us bc cool and we are taking all the cool with us.
Audra: Sorry to do this but, kitten heels stay, this tactic is in place to further emphasize the meaning of “now you’re coming up short”, without us.
Carly: I see what you did there.
Michelle: Well if all the black people go then we Asians will follow. And we’ll take the noodles. Udon, chow fun, ramen, linguine, spaghetti all of it. No noodles for ‘merica.
Luvvie: YES. Solidarity. Take ALL them noodles back!
Imani: YASSS Girl! Go ahead and take it all back! Take the chopsticks, take the kimonos, take the anime and manga, take yoga (for y’all who don’t know, India is an Asian country), martial arts, and every damn thing that says “made in China”. Let them figure that shit out.
Anita: Asians are for sure following the crowd out the door!! We’re taking back bindis, threading, half the medical professionals and engineers, most of Silicon Valley, and LEAVING the Simpsons’ half-ass Apu accent. Enjoy your messy eyebrows.
Stacey: #nochill right here. The eyebrow game is gonna be HORRID
Rachael: SHIT. All we have left is NASCAR, boiled meats and Conan O’Brien. :'( TAKE ME WITH YOU!!!
Dana: And mayonnaise. Y’all got mayonnaise.
Lisa: Fuck!! Not NASCAR!!! Don’t you DARE leave me with NASCAR….
Susan: Rachel Dolezal is going with you folks as punishment for taking Idris Elba ( ALREADY EXITEDSOMETHING) and Mac and cheese. I’m fine keeping my boiled meats #cornedbeef
Viola: The devil is a lie….we will not be taking Rachel. But as a show of good faith we will give you Omarosa ????
Lindsey: They are taking the good greens and leaving kale behind? No! Noooooo
Lola: yeah the collards are going, Lindsey!
Pamela: I have two rows (28 feet long each!) of collards growing in my garden. I planted them from seed. They’re staying!! ???? I’d rather come with you, but if I can’t I’m saving seeds. I also have onions and garlic, just in case.
Remy: I mean we’re leaving Raven so y’all can keep The View. #begrateful
Cresensia: I will feed the white people but on behalf of the hispanics its going to cost you! Bahaha
Lauren: We’ve still got Larry Bird and Macklemore ????
Amanda: Also someone needs to take me with because my skin will shrivel up and die without all the butters.
Erin: You gotta leave us SOME of the butters..I mean, white girls get ashy, too! I guess I can learn how to make fried chicken, if I must.
Latasha: I will leave you one butter cause one day we might come back and need friends
Erin: It’s gonna have to be one big ass tub of butter, my elbows get thirsty.
Luvvie: NO. All butters come with us!
Angie: They didn’t say anything about coconut oil… I’m keeping it on a technicality.
Taja: Whoa, whoa, whoa…WHERE in Europe are they harvesting coconuts to make coconut oil? Taking that back, too.
Erin: Look…you’re taking the butters. You gotta leave us the coconut oil.
Mauri: Nope. No mercy. We might export it to you at like quadruple the cost. Maybe.
LaRonda: Work that Jergens.
Frances: Aw shit. All that’s left on the porch is a can of creamed corn and Rachel Dolezal. FML.
Vanessa: We Mexicans are already applying for work visas on the Isle of Noir, we’re taking the Aloe Vera too!! And tequila, agave sugar/honey, tortillas, beans, guacamolé, actually ALL the crops (because migrant workers, enough said), Salsas (dip and dance), ALL the maids (because South America) – who’s gonna clean your houses, build your houses, and landscape your yards/gardens now gueros?!?!
Erin: You can’t have the honey, every damn bee farmer I’ve ever seen has my complexion. And I clean my own house. Shiiiit, I can’t afford ya’ll! And I’ll just have my Cuban husband get all the supplies we need. Lol. I also landscape my own and my husband is redoing our bathroom. What else you got?
Jane: Don’t take the fried chicken. Please do not take the fried chicken.
Luvvie: WE ARE TAKING THE FRIED CHICKEN.
Jane: Well, we deserve to have it taken from us…
Lisa: Every breast, thigh and wing is outta here!
Maribel: Just take it from the northern states. Let chicken be in the south.
Jane: Just leave a couple wings… please, just a few little wings.
Stella: You can keep the drum stick but just one.
Tanya: ya’ll can have that “Cream of Chicken” though
Jane: Oh thank you… ugh Cream of Chicken. I suppose we will have to eat it over soggy toast too.
Nicole: Y’all can have chicken nuggets. They not real chicken anyway
Jane: The punishment just keeps getting worse and worse
Nikia: Jane, I’m sorry – the yard bird has got to go. Consider duck. LLS
LaRonda: No, Jane, fried chicken goes with us. Talk to yo’ people. And you seem like a nice lady, but yo’ people…SMH. Just no.
Maribel: Fine, take the fried chicken but the lawrys stays.
Sef: This is the chicken we’re leaving behind:
Sarah: Damn. I’m white, poor and southern. Everything on this list gives me LIFE. TAKE A TOKEN WHITE GIRL WITH YOU!
Dante: You got good credit? PAHAHAHA
Cresensia: I got good credit. where we going?
Sherrie: I was wondering what we were gonna do with those that insisted on coming with us. We may need to create a committee and have them prove their value. You know how they do us now. Lol!!
Sarah: I can sing! I’m a dancer. I can cook. Take care of children.
Tracy: Under One Condition Tho, In Honor Of Rosa P, You Gotta Ride In The Back!!
Windy: On behalf of white people who aren’t dumb as hell…please don’t leave us!!! James Earl Jones & The Allstate Man gone would kill me (and I’m not even mentioning seasoning)
Nikia: There will be applications for asylum. We are a peaceful people.
Katie: Seriously! We’re sorry! We’ll be so good, we promise! Maybe we could FaceTime with you guys or set up a foreign exchange program?
Phyllis: Windy, tell you what, if you can wrestle for Wendy Williams’ and/or Stacey Dash’s seat, you can come with.
Windy: I’m smaller than Wendy but bigger than Stacey…I can break her like a twig…it is ON!!!
Kathryn: You’re telling lies….we know Wendy and Stacey don’t even have seats! Damn, turning us against each other in fights neither of us can win….you’ve watched us well!
Luvvie: LMAO! YOU RIGHT.
Alden: All we white folks are gonna have left is mayonnaise, polka music, and the insane Republican party! You at least have to send back humanitarian aid packages of hot sauce.
Marquetta: Ixnay on the hot sauce. It’s classified with seasonings
Reesha: Get em from Hillary! She said she’s always got some in her purse.
Kathryn: (Handcuffing myself to Matt McGorry in case he gets a day pass….and other reasons)
Nicole: So many of these things hurt- great actors and musicians, all the butters, fried chicken, jazz… but I think what hurts the most is cotton. Cotton! Come on now! Also, you can have fried chicken when you pry it from my soon to be dry, polyester-wearing hands.
Shannon: PLEASE don’t leave us! ‘Cause I know Jesse Williams is gonna be the President of #BLAXIT and God knows more white people need to hear his truth!
And then the pièce de resistance is from Alden:
You haven’t thought this through all the way. I completely understand wanting to get the fuck outta dodge and taking all your good stuff with you. (Noticed you were leaving Stacy Dash behind, that seems unnecessarily cruel.) But you’re gonna need a few token white folks.
Without a few of us, you wouldn’t have any horror movies. When some demonic voice screams out at 3am black folks are just wisely gonna get the fuck up outta there. Movie over. Only a white person is going to walk their stupid ass down that long dark hallway to get themselves killed/possessed/or eaten.
And speaking of movies, you’re going to want a few token white folks in your movies walking around saying inane white folk catch phrases like, “Damn! That is too spicy!” or “As long as it don’t hurt my credit score I’m in!” or “I love to be on time!”
And, who are you going to make fun of on the dance floor?
Who’s going to parade around with their dogs in matching sweaters?
When you get sick, there will be times you’re gonna want some bland food. Who’s gonna cook bland, tasteless food for you? Black women? Please.
Your world will be void of plaid.
Who’s going to voluntarily live in all the really cold places?
Once in a great while, you’re gonna want some mayonnaise. That shit works on some things.
Without straight white males, your YouTube videos of people trying to kill themselves doing stupid ass shit will be weak.
PLEASE send me the token white person application. I am ready to fill one of your middle-aged, straight, white male slots.
LMAO!!! Alden might need to come with us. He has made such a compelling case. Some of our white friends might need day passes to the Republic of Noir. We’ll talk it over with the Council of Onyx People Everywhere (COPE).
LuvvNation is the absolute BEST.