My Melanin-Deficient Readers Respond to Negotiate Terms of #BLAXIT
Yesterday, I published a post on what Black folks will take with us if we decided to make our exit (BLAXIT) from the United States. It was jumped off by Ulysses Burley III at The Salt Collective and basically, we are taking EVERYTHING awesome. Because we created/invented/brought them.
My white readers realized that they will be left with emptiness, and their comments made me howl. Some negotiated, some hit their wall slide, and some insisted we bring them with us. My Asian and Latinx sisters replied too, because they will be on our side: because minority solidarity.
Here are some of the conversations, from my comments and my Awesomely Luvvie Facebook Page.
Melissa: Heavens, I think us white people are down to dried peas and smallpox.
Josh: I’m just a white dude but I will miss most of this too much. Can I come along if I promise to be cool?
Tesha: Josh, because you asked nicely (and because we might need some manual laborers in Onyxica), yes, you may join us. Just know your stay will be subject to periodic reviews and you’ll be rooming with Wayne Brady.
Lauren: You’re going to leave kitten heels aren’t you? Just for spite.
Luvvie: Hell yeah. We want this to hurt.
Carly: I like kitten heels. My beauties, I will barter with you. I am going to create the IBJLC, the International Black-Jewish Lady Coalition, it will make NAFTA look like a joke. Mmmm, you’re gonna want some of this pastrami on rye, Donna Karan knits and polio vaccines. I will trade you some Law for some Jazz. <3
Jessica: We gotta take the polio vaccine and any other medicinal breakthrough based of the use of HeLa cells. Just saying.
Cynthia: Welp. With that, white society has been annihilated.
Carly: I am going to need some Little Richard, ice cream, traffic lights and moisture for this hair of mine. The Coalition is going to offer some specials on the five-day work week and brisket. Early American cinema is a free/equal trade. Monotheism also free.
Susan: Wayment, Carly kinda messed me up with monotheism. Who gets Jesus? Blacks or Jews? I mean, he’s Jewish, but do they really need him?
Carly: We will give you Jesus. We want Sammy Davis Jr. ::poker face::
Angelica: I believe the entire Rat Pack comes with us bc cool and we are taking all the cool with us.
Audra: Sorry to do this but, kitten heels stay, this tactic is in place to further emphasize the meaning of “now you’re coming up short”, without us.
Carly: I see what you did there.
Michelle: Well if all the black people go then we Asians will follow. And we’ll take the noodles. Udon, chow fun, ramen, linguine, spaghetti all of it. No noodles for ‘merica.
Luvvie: YES. Solidarity. Take ALL them noodles back!
Imani: YASSS Girl! Go ahead and take it all back! Take the chopsticks, take the kimonos, take the anime and manga, take yoga (for y’all who don’t know, India is an Asian country), martial arts, and every damn thing that says “made in China”. Let them figure that shit out.
Anita: Asians are for sure following the crowd out the door!! We’re taking back bindis, threading, half the medical professionals and engineers, most of Silicon Valley, and LEAVING the Simpsons’ half-ass Apu accent. Enjoy your messy eyebrows.
Stacey: #nochill right here. The eyebrow game is gonna be HORRID
Rachael: SHIT. All we have left is NASCAR, boiled meats and Conan O’Brien. :'( TAKE ME WITH YOU!!!
Dana: And mayonnaise. Y’all got mayonnaise.
Lisa: Fuck!! Not NASCAR!!! Don’t you DARE leave me with NASCAR….
Susan: Rachel Dolezal is going with you folks as punishment for taking Idris Elba ( ALREADY EXITEDSOMETHING) and Mac and cheese. I’m fine keeping my boiled meats #cornedbeef
Viola: The devil is a lie….we will not be taking Rachel. But as a show of good faith we will give you Omarosa ????
Lindsey: They are taking the good greens and leaving kale behind? No! Noooooo
Lola: yeah the collards are going, Lindsey!
Pamela: I have two rows (28 feet long each!) of collards growing in my garden. I planted them from seed. They’re staying!! ???? I’d rather come with you, but if I can’t I’m saving seeds. I also have onions and garlic, just in case.
Remy: I mean we’re leaving Raven so y’all can keep The View. #begrateful
Cresensia: I will feed the white people but on behalf of the hispanics its going to cost you! Bahaha
Lauren: We’ve still got Larry Bird and Macklemore ????
Amanda: Also someone needs to take me with because my skin will shrivel up and die without all the butters.
Erin: You gotta leave us SOME of the butters..I mean, white girls get ashy, too! I guess I can learn how to make fried chicken, if I must.
Latasha: I will leave you one butter cause one day we might come back and need friends
Erin: It’s gonna have to be one big ass tub of butter, my elbows get thirsty.
Luvvie: NO. All butters come with us!
Angie: They didn’t say anything about coconut oil… I’m keeping it on a technicality.
Taja: Whoa, whoa, whoa…WHERE in Europe are they harvesting coconuts to make coconut oil? Taking that back, too.
Erin: Look…you’re taking the butters. You gotta leave us the coconut oil.
Mauri: Nope. No mercy. We might export it to you at like quadruple the cost. Maybe.
LaRonda: Work that Jergens.
Frances: Aw shit. All that’s left on the porch is a can of creamed corn and Rachel Dolezal. FML.
Y’all can have her.
Vanessa: We Mexicans are already applying for work visas on the Isle of Noir, we’re taking the Aloe Vera too!! And tequila, agave sugar/honey, tortillas, beans, guacamolé, actually ALL the crops (because migrant workers, enough said), Salsas (dip and dance), ALL the maids (because South America) – who’s gonna clean your houses, build your houses, and landscape your yards/gardens now gueros?!?!
Erin: You can’t have the honey, every damn bee farmer I’ve ever seen has my complexion. And I clean my own house. Shiiiit, I can’t afford ya’ll! And I’ll just have my Cuban husband get all the supplies we need. Lol. I also landscape my own and my husband is redoing our bathroom. What else you got?
Jane: Don’t take the fried chicken. Please do not take the fried chicken.
Luvvie: WE ARE TAKING THE FRIED CHICKEN.
Jane: Well, we deserve to have it taken from us…
Lisa: Every breast, thigh and wing is outta here!
Maribel: Just take it from the northern states. Let chicken be in the south.
Jane: Just leave a couple wings… please, just a few little wings.
Stella: You can keep the drum stick but just one.
Tanya: ya’ll can have that “Cream of Chicken” though
Jane: Oh thank you… ugh Cream of Chicken. I suppose we will have to eat it over soggy toast too.
Nicole: Y’all can have chicken nuggets. They not real chicken anyway
Jane: The punishment just keeps getting worse and worse
Nikia: Jane, I’m sorry – the yard bird has got to go. Consider duck. LLS
LaRonda: No, Jane, fried chicken goes with us. Talk to yo’ people. And you seem like a nice lady, but yo’ people…SMH. Just no.
Maribel: Fine, take the fried chicken but the lawrys stays.
Sef: This is the chicken we’re leaving behind:
Sarah: Damn. I’m white, poor and southern. Everything on this list gives me LIFE. TAKE A TOKEN WHITE GIRL WITH YOU!
Dante: You got good credit? PAHAHAHA
Cresensia: I got good credit. where we going?
Sherrie: I was wondering what we were gonna do with those that insisted on coming with us. We may need to create a committee and have them prove their value. You know how they do us now. Lol!!
Sarah: I can sing! I’m a dancer. I can cook. Take care of children.
Tracy: Under One Condition Tho, In Honor Of Rosa P, You Gotta Ride In The Back!!
Windy: On behalf of white people who aren’t dumb as hell…please don’t leave us!!! James Earl Jones & The Allstate Man gone would kill me (and I’m not even mentioning seasoning)
Nikia: There will be applications for asylum. We are a peaceful people.
Katie: Seriously! We’re sorry! We’ll be so good, we promise! Maybe we could FaceTime with you guys or set up a foreign exchange program?
Phyllis: Windy, tell you what, if you can wrestle for Wendy Williams’ and/or Stacey Dash’s seat, you can come with.
Windy: I’m smaller than Wendy but bigger than Stacey…I can break her like a twig…it is ON!!!
Kathryn: You’re telling lies….we know Wendy and Stacey don’t even have seats! Damn, turning us against each other in fights neither of us can win….you’ve watched us well!
Luvvie: LMAO! YOU RIGHT.
Alden: All we white folks are gonna have left is mayonnaise, polka music, and the insane Republican party! You at least have to send back humanitarian aid packages of hot sauce.
We will leave mayonnaise for them. THEY ARE WELCOME!
Marquetta: Ixnay on the hot sauce. It’s classified with seasonings
Reesha: Get em from Hillary! She said she’s always got some in her purse.
Kathryn: (Handcuffing myself to Matt McGorry in case he gets a day pass….and other reasons)
Nicole: So many of these things hurt- great actors and musicians, all the butters, fried chicken, jazz… but I think what hurts the most is cotton. Cotton! Come on now! Also, you can have fried chicken when you pry it from my soon to be dry, polyester-wearing hands.
Shannon: PLEASE don’t leave us! ‘Cause I know Jesse Williams is gonna be the President of #BLAXIT and God knows more white people need to hear his truth!
And then the pièce de resistance is from Alden:
You haven’t thought this through all the way. I completely understand wanting to get the fuck outta dodge and taking all your good stuff with you. (Noticed you were leaving Stacy Dash behind, that seems unnecessarily cruel.) But you’re gonna need a few token white folks.
Without a few of us, you wouldn’t have any horror movies. When some demonic voice screams out at 3am black folks are just wisely gonna get the fuck up outta there. Movie over. Only a white person is going to walk their stupid ass down that long dark hallway to get themselves killed/possessed/or eaten.
And speaking of movies, you’re going to want a few token white folks in your movies walking around saying inane white folk catch phrases like, “Damn! That is too spicy!” or “As long as it don’t hurt my credit score I’m in!” or “I love to be on time!”
And, who are you going to make fun of on the dance floor?
Who’s going to parade around with their dogs in matching sweaters?
When you get sick, there will be times you’re gonna want some bland food. Who’s gonna cook bland, tasteless food for you? Black women? Please.
Your world will be void of plaid.
Who’s going to voluntarily live in all the really cold places?
Once in a great while, you’re gonna want some mayonnaise. That shit works on some things.
Without straight white males, your YouTube videos of people trying to kill themselves doing stupid ass shit will be weak.
PLEASE send me the token white person application. I am ready to fill one of your middle-aged, straight, white male slots.
LMAO!!! Alden might need to come with us. He has made such a compelling case. Some of our white friends might need day passes to the Republic of Noir. We’ll talk it over with the Council of Onyx People Everywhere (COPE).
LuvvNation is the absolute BEST.
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336 Comments
Oh, thank God I’m Jewish. Everybody needs chicken soup and Israeli technology.
Uuuumm Israeli is still white.. We have the Japanese for technology.
You want cell phones or gps? You need Jews.
Meredith with the savage clap back! lolololol
We got Harry Sampson cellphones are coming with us
Yall so crazy!
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3280872/iPhone-mineral-miners-Africa-use-bare-hands-coltan.html0
Try coming to Noir for your raw materials to make your mobile phones. OOooops, there goes your directions, besides my ancestors know how to read directions through nature.
No we safer if yall stay here cause yall r exposed & gonna get it! Anyway yall trespassing. Yall not the orig Hebrew Israelites. Yall from the Caucasus, Khazars…ie Rev 2:9…
Miss Meredith is in. And bring krav maga wit chu.
GLORY BE!
fck yeah
Beta Israelis are Ethiopian Jews. Black Hebrews are unofficial Black Jews.
There are mixed Jews. Lisa Bonet & Zoë Kravitz are Ashkenazi Jews. My Haitian Jewish ass is Ashkenazi as well.
So, I’m taking matzo ball soup with me for when I get sick.
No Jews…everyone keeps tryna blow y’all up. We don’t need that attention.
jews are doin’ the blowin’ up.
Beth speaks truth.
Alden is coming with us just on his application essay. Also, there are tears in my eyes and I don’t know why…DED.
oxoxox
Aiden might make me forgo my now white guys dating policy.
As in…… Alden’s in please! No contest!
Cracking and Dead! Lol
Mayonnaise and polka music? I mean, I’m a fan of both, but if that’s ALL that’s left, we are just NOT going to make it.
Y’all know that Hillary Clinton is stalking this post somewhere trying to come up with a black great great great grandmother so she could be 2/ 168ths nigra… so she can try to get on the mothership.
Gary Owens is trying to come talmbout he can’t leave his wife and kids.
Sorry bruh.. and your jokes aren’t funny.
Nah man, we are taking Gary Owens. We already traded Raven Simone for him. Besides, you can’t have a Tyler Perry play without him.
And Hillary is just trying to come over because she knows once Bill sees all that ass leave the shore, he’ll swim to the Land of Noir.
Oh yeah! We taking ass, booty, cakes, cheeks, etc. also thick lips, thick thighs and Afros and baby hair.
Gary’s black. He’s already on the bus. But we can negotiate for Eminem.
Uhhh…Eminem and his black woman hatin’ self can stay right where he is. He can’t come. You’ll just have to snag a few CDs on your way out to remember him by. He’s not aging well anyway.
Hillary Clinton’s worth money. White people will *pay* to have her go with you! Name a price. (I suggest a high price, because…$$$ Cha Ching!) Kills two birds. We get rid of her, and your new Republic has starter funds. *smiles*
Dying. Dead. I cried reading yesterday’s post and comments, but omgahhhh. Done.
Jewish white girl transplanted from NYC to the south here. I will make chicken soup and matzo balls for all y’all if you take me with you. 😉
Matzo ball soup? Send samples and we will decide if you can come.
Lmao!!
I make vegan matzos ball soup. We don’t need you….
I’m Haitian and Jewish, and make bomb ass matzo ball chicken noodle soup.
Got any other skills?
Wait! Are we gonna allow Dr. Oz! God bless him for that Netti Pot episode!
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!! That’s the best! The best!
Wait a minute. Mayonnaise. Potato salad is made with mayonnaise (at least a little bit). That is a dilemma!! This will be the negotiating point and the beginning of trade talks.
you’ve got cool hhhwwwwhhhhhhip
NO. #coolwhipisthedevil
LMAO OKAY STEWIE
Nah boo, tater salad is made with Miracle Whip…..which we are taking.
Yessir!!
Let them have their mayo..we’ll make up some new ish that tastes better…
We will have chickens so we will have eggs. We will have oil. We definitely will have lemons.
There will be Mayonnaise.
Say that! #YouBetterKnowHowToCook
Miracle Whip
And everyone in the Republic of Noir will lock their car doors when the token white men walk by. I’m doing that now here in LA and it makes my heart sing when they realize what I’m up to!
Petty ????
And pretend not watch their every move when they’re browsing in the good section of the department store.
LMAO!
I’ve either been ignoring them or staringlot blankly at themy when they speak to me. I will add this to my list.
We are NOT leaving them Hamilton!
All the Hamilton cast is coming anyway, so we’re good. We’re taking Audra McDonald, Sara Ramirez, Lin-Manuel, Daveed Diggs, Titus Burgess, James Monroe Iglehart, Phylicia AND Condola Rashad…Kristin Chenoweth and Idina Menzel will be the only ones saving their Broadway entertainment. We’re taking Patti LuPone out of pure pettiness.
*Screaming* @ “We’re taking Patti LuPone out of pure pettiness.” I have perished. I think she’ll be sitting real nice with our seasoned divas…Patti, ‘Retha, Gladys and n’em
Since we’re taking Patti LuPone can we also snatch Bette Midler?
Aunt Bette has been given Meryl’s seat. She been a rider.
Lol ! For a moment , I thought you were referring to George Hamilton ! Extra crispy
Hollering for the second day.
I didn’t think it could get better than the Blaxit post but this is GOLD. Damn- there are some funny a$$ white folks in Luvv nation. Good stuff. Yes, we will have day passes and at least once a quarter, we’ll have some designated bad dancers to perform so we can have a good laugh. And fo sho on the bland food. We will need that for stomach bugs. And even though I hate it, someone may want a congealed salad. All aboard!!!
Hold up! I live in Utah, and we are freaking FAMOUS for our jell-o abominations. No state eats more Jello than we do. I submit green jello/carrot salad as evidence. I don’t eat that ish, but I will make it for anyone willing to trade a little dish of collards. I grew up in the South. I still say y’all. I learned to cook there and nobody, NOBODY cooks like the South! This is gonna hurt me more than the Basic Beckys!
Besides, if you take me with you I’ll bring my Latino husband and he is FINE. I’m willing to negotiate a timeshare in exchange for more collards and one of those keychain sized hot sauces.
OMG Heather I’m so mad you pimping out your Latino husband for some collards LOL
Stacy, desperate times call for desperate measures. He won’t mind. He likes collards too.
Eminem. We taking him too.
Eminem stays. He made a rap saying ‘black girls are bishes.” ????
“Eminem stays. He made a rap saying ‘black girls are bishes.”
Just made a similar comment above. Eminem is not going. That’s final. Grab a CD or two to take with you if you must, but his ass stays right here.
So do black guys, so Eminem gets a pass for that since he is the best lyricist and he from Detroit… #giveeminemachance ???? and he calls all women that but that was a former life… I will volunteer to help rehabilitate his view on this. ????????
naw. he can stay.
Did she trade Jesus for Sammy Davis Jr?? I legit have tears in my eyes Lmao.
Yesterday was hilarious. I cried.
Now I am REALLY done. Yes, Alden gets to come based on his essay alone. And maybe Kathryn ’cause she figured some ish out!
This is simply the best. And to all of the white people who participated, we may just have to give you visitation rights. LOL. You are obviously connected humans and not down with the BS that happening in our world. Keep showing up.
Alden must be given a seat!!!
I read that as “Adele” must be given a seat and thought, “…why?”
I’m keeping my Hamilton soundtrack! I’ll need a special Visa too since none of ya’ll want to take care of my 3 crazy Melanin filled children!
The Hamilton cast is coming, except groffsauce.
East Asians have horror movies on lock. We don’t need the white people for that.
And because I’m mixed and petty I’m taking rice, corn, quinoa and all the good beans.
These are the white people I need to be friends with! I’ve got some ignorant ones on my Facebook right now trying to tell me white privilege isn’t real. *side eye*
My sentiments exactly!!! Like 2 of my white friends have good brains, the rest…they gone in the head! Currently sending friend request ????
Alden is definitely coming.
Dried peas and smallpox ??? That wuzsum funny shyte!
Don’t forget that thanks to Mr. George Washington Carver we’re taking peanuts and every single product y’all figured out how to make from his inventions. Oh and since coffee originated in Ethiopia we’re taking that too. And since y’all finally acknowledged Jack Daniels that’s coming too.
We need a few wypeepo… cause Pierogies. Homemade in Bubby’s kitchen???
I have a question tho. If you are visually of ambiguous ethnicity, what percentage of DNA you gotta have to get a seat?
I think this is the best time for the one drop rule to apply. What say ye, other council members?
100% agree. It worked against us in the past, it will work for us now.
Yes! If the one drop rule is in effect, I (probably) get to come! There’s a family rumor that my great-great-grandfather passed. I guess I’d have to get that confirmed, but I will go through any amount of DNA testing to go with you! Please don’t leave me here with nothing but mayonnaise and republicans!
Honestly, it doesn’t matter give the dominate gene thing. E’rybody gonna brown up anyway cuz…literally, fade to black.
I dont know if it was already mentioned, but they ate aware that we’re taking music with us right? Like, they get no drums, rock and roll, jazz, rap, R&B, OR country (we made that too)
And we still get Michael Jackson. I know that’s a confusing subject, but we’re not flipping a coin, we get the entire catalog, period….
Nooooo! Does that mean you’re taking the Beatles music too?
LOL!
I want to come too, but I’m Irish and have nothing to offer other than being an entertaining drunk…..
Fill out an app, Mich. My husband is too (Irish, not a drunk).
Woohoo!!
Guiness! The Jamaican contingency will surely vouch.
Will you please leave Leslie Odom, Jr. with us? I swear I’ll take really good care of him! After Blaxit, damn near half the cast of Hamilton will gone. 🙁
We are claiming the rights both the Hamilton the Musical and the historical Alexander Hamilton. He was from the Caribbean and his mom was a loose woman. Good chance his Daddy was one of us. Good luck recreating the magic with Benjamin Franklin.
This took me OUT of here, when I was barely hanging on by a thread.
Dead, just…dead. ????
My soul tried to leave my body at this point! No.you.didn’t. *Ctfu*
Oh, god. I am legit slain by this. ‘loose woman’
This post is hilarious! It makes me love my peeps and selected others! ????
My biracial teenager said it is harder to decide which one of her parents she wants to spend the weekend with than it is to decide where she will live in case of #Blaxit
She said if he get left her Dad will have to come visit her one the boarder like the Mexican families at “Friendship Park”.
Wiccans are going with you.
We’ve waited and hidden for too many centuries.
We bring with us love, choice, trees and magic.
We also are taking Buffy.
Blessed Be.
No. Sorry tree huggers. You’re stuck here in the freezing-ass North with me. The North Remembers. Now go make yourself useful, and figure out how to find some food when it snows six out of 12 months. We’re going to be hungry and that boiled shit the Brits make isn’t going to cut it.
We’re going to be hungry and that boiled shit the Brits make isn’t going to cut it.
DEAD.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
You all are the funniest folks I’ve seen on the interwebs. 😀
The North Remembers.
And winter IS here.
I vote wiccians in… They require an earth wiccan ( sistas) come… You are welcome.
I don’t want to get all serious and teary-eyed… But I have to.
Just a few days ago, this post wouldn’t have been possible for most of us.
We’re doing more than laughing. We’re communing. And we’re healing.
Luvvie is one of the few people I know who could tread this line and give us a space to belly-laugh when so many of us are grieiving everywhere else in our innernet lives…
Luvv y’all.
The therapy I needed! Seriously!
Aliya, you are spot on with your comment
I just discovered this community, this internet oasis, today! Where have I been?
Thank you all for making me smile from someplace deep inside.
Thank you, Luvvie!
Welcome to Luvv Nation!
Thank you! You expressed exactly what I was feeling. Bless Luvvie and the LuvvNation! <3 <3 <3
I realized that the day Prince died and I spent my time on Luvvie’s FB page, laughing and crying for hours. It was the only way I got through that day. So, yes. There’s something really special about this community.
PS: Prince talks to me from the Other Side. Surely, that’s worth giving me some room on the #Blaxit Bus, right? I’ll be good. Please take me! #ainttooproudtobeg
I say this with love, but as a fellow white person, let me just say that talking to Prince from beyond the grave is the whitest thing I’ve read today. I don’t think you get to claim citizenship in the Republic of Noir.
On the other hand, surely they will have an avenue to legal immigration for us terminally uncool lily-white folks who aren’t assholes. As a Jew, I can’t offer any living athletes, but I can bring nukes, Google, and a bunch of vaccines, so surely that counts for something?
If not, I may have to resort to tanning beds and clever hair techniques to sneak in like Rachel Dolezal. As long as I keep my mouth shut and never tell anyone my musical tastes, y’all won’t be able to spot me.
NO, no immigration. We not fallin’ for that ish. Ya’ll started out as British boat people and look what happened. The contention of Native Americans are not having that… NO IMMIGRATION.
So true, Aliya. So true.
You have the absolute best readers. This was hilarious.
Please don’t go. It’s not just the chicken. Life without Etta James is not worth living. I have tears in my eyes too, partly from laughing and partly from fear.
I canNOT. I love the Luvvie Nation.
I am not going to make it here after #BLAXIT. I would like to apply for asylum, or at the very least, day passes for my melanin deprived children and myself (at least my girls can tan). I can make great chocolate chip cookies. And can help other people organize their stuff. I enjoy telling white men to shut up and (h/t to W. Kamau Bell) “Stop being white men”. I ain’t too proud to beg… Please don’t leave me with these dumb ass white people, even though as a white person I deserve it.
Sorry we taking Chocolate since most of it comes from countries that have melanin rich ppl harvesting it.
Sorry the cocoa used to make chocolate is ours we can make it try again…
I neeeeed the hella cool Mexicans to come with us because….mole’, cumbias (sp) and mariachis dammit!
I make a damn good guacamole and homemade tortillas. None of that Mission crap from me. Give me a week to practice and I will have tamales down.
Please don’t leave me here. I clean my house to the Motown catalogue and no one left will appreciate it!
I was going to suggest leaving Kanye and Clarence Thomas behind as well. However, they might hook up with Stacey Dash and Wendy Williams and create a colony of extreme dumassness. So my idea is to banish all’dem to the island of misfit toys.
LMFAO!
Bahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Noooo we must take Kanye and treat his mental illness! He aint been right since his mama went to heaven. But I loooooove him! Then other ones staying though.
Kanye’s radical, so yeah he can stay.
But, that woman-harassing Clarence Thomas? He goes, along with Bill Cosby. (finding a separate, but equal, island for them is bloody brilliant though! ; )
Good catch there Chelle. Cant risk that happening. That would be some diabolical shit, ugh the horror!
I don’t think you could get Clarence Thomas on the Blaxit bus unless you roofied him first.
I’m going to do one of those DNA spit tests to see where all of my ancestors are from. Then y’all’ll be forced to take me.
#loophole. Dammit. Lol Lol Lol
I just fell out! LOL!!
The committee must seriously consider your application. Hahahahaha! I will hand deliver your findings to the Chairperson.
Can we come together on Adele for a second? I vote her soul is black and therefore the one-drop rule should apply. This also allows us to get the musical catalog of Teena Marie. Thoughts?
They’ll be in the “Hella Onyx” in a past life category. Along with Michael McDonald
And don’t forget Lisa Stansfield. She comin’ too!
Can we take Channing Tatum with us just because????
……OMG! I damn near got in trouble at work from reading the original BLAXIT, BLAXIT Part II & Melanin-Deficient Readers Negotiations. This was SOOOO funny. I wish we could playfully exaggerate ourselves and others in a respectable & humorous way like this all the time! Thank you for the laughs
If we’re to take all black culture with us, we just cannot leave Channing behind to grind for them.
Channing is already on the bus. I saw him sitting on Bus 321, cracking jokes with Idris and ‘nem.
Yasss, and umm Mark Wahlberg….. He is mark e mark…. #savethegoodones and we must grant a visition to Matt Damon, and Brad Pitt, Brad has a black child or 2 I think…. And… #coollawapplies
Mark has a lonnnng history of unabashed racism. Google it, sis. And then throw some hot grits on his ass.
If you wait long enough you won’t even NEED to #BLEXIT cause global warming is REAL and you can be sure as hell us melanoma deficient white people won’t survive that shit without you.
Without mayonnaise, you can’t make potato salad for the cookouts.
Boom!
I’m in.
angel cakes… good black cooks don’t use mayo.. we use salad dressing… sit down.
Filipinos are coming with you – We provide the farmers, the nurses, the doctors and the lumpia.
We are also damn near the same color ( have Filipino friends) , so what are we doing about the Koreans, Cambodian, and our Thailand natives, #itsgonnabeawaitlist.
Of course Filipinos are coming. #1 You’re black #2 Pansit #3 Pansit and finally #4 Pansit. Not to mention 1/2 the Filipinos are married to Black folks soooo
I just want you all to know how my day has been made…. Laughter is wonderful medicine and excellent glue for relationships. WITH THAT SAYS ALDEN COMES… Meridith TOO! Hell everyone on here gets the pass to join but all the others after my comment – you have to wait for open enrollment season! LMBO
Thank u for lightening up my mood.
It must be said, because no one has mentioned Native Americans, that we are taking them all with us. They deserve to be seen and appreciated. White folks will have to find another inspiration for their Nascar and hockey teams (cuz that’s all that will be left) teams. Finally, Country music goes with us! Yep, we created that too.
Ummm no one is gonna talk about if the weed stays or goes?!!! Yall trippin! I guess we leave that up to the Native Americans? idk
We get in the most trouble for having/smoking it, so it’s coming with!
Nope taking all that shit, even the boo boo kind. They can smoke some hay. Sprinkled with some manure. I claiming that because I’m mixed. (Black/Navtie/P.Rican/Italian/Honduran) everything that can’t be claimed directly by black people, mixed people are snatching that up too. Lol I’m dying right now but seriously after Africa said they were gonna start issuing dual citizenship and passports to their families in the Diaspora. I been waiting for something like a #BLAXIT to Happen.
lmao. even the boo boo kind!!!!
*holds crème brûlée, eclairs, kielbasas, and Scotch and waits for you to realize*
Make all of that without sugar (minue the kielbasa…we may have to talk).
Cinnamon: Srik Lanka, China, Ethiopia….we got this.
Keep your eclairs.
Uhhhh…Dope. just dope.
Just checked with the Ancient Egyptians… We’re taking wheat, ovens & baking with us. Thus…no eclairs.
You had me at kielbasas. You get a visitor’s visa for that.
We need Lady Gaga too!
Nah, chile. We got Grace Jones, the entire Prince catalog, disco, house music, Le1F, Cakes Da Killa, Kiddy Smile,Cameo,Patti LaBelle, Bette Davis, Stromae, Ebony Bones, Missy Elliot, Sun-Ra,Mykki Blanco and Laura Mvula, George Clinton/Funkadelic, every voguing house ever and a whole bunch of other black weirdos and queer folk. The intergalactic glitterstrange’ is covered. The only way Gaga is getting in is if she masquerades as one of Little Richard’s sequins and hopes no one notices.
We should take Bjork though.
And David Bowie and Freddie Mercury. They get grandfathered in posthumously.
We need the mayonnaise, specifically Duke’s mayonnaise. You can’t make potato salad, egg salad, tuna salad, or crab cakes without it. Leave behind the Miracle Whip.
YAS for taking Stromae.. Love that dude. Can I sit beside him on the plane?!
This just made my day. I’m sitting on the other side of Stromae! And yes, Bjork can come.
I’m just going to sit here eating haggis and cabbage, quietly weeping at what might have been.
Wait.
Haggis with no pepper and no allspice.
That’s just cruel. *weeps into the blancmange*
Oh Lordt!! Nobody said we taking Bernie Sanders. Uncle Bernie is coming and he can sit next to the other Uncle Bernie (Mack). They don’t deserve him!
I co-sign this!!!
Coconut oil is Indian (like from India), we’re taking that shit too.
I don’t care how cute they are, we will be taking NO white people with us. There will be stringent written, oral and DNA testing to prevent entry. You made your beds hard. Sleep In them!
Has anyone invited Marcus Garvey? just sayin Didn’t he like INVENT #blaxit?
Why don’t we just turn all these things into Pokemon items and hunt them fair and square??
The Caribbean Islands are with you…No more vacations to tropical resorts and no more having to watch y’all on the beach with tall white socks and skimpy speedos…We bring the party to the land of Noir!
Damn! If this was a card game, you just slapped down the Big Joker or at least an Ace.
You can take Stacy Dash
no.
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Please go, take it and your crime with you. Get some of the baby daddy to pay some support while we watch you starve because you can grow food my burnt skinned not my sister, and I am Korean.
Well, Boo Boo Kitty, you can stay here and #staymad.
I’m not sure what you are salty about, but you took something that was giving a lot of people joy and had to be stank. In the future, if you don’t have something to contribute, just hush. I’m now going to sit here and wait for LuvvNation to snatch your edges.
*hits refresh*
*sigh*
Bye, Felicia
Not today Satan. Not today.
Yep, you can stay here. But we will be taking all the black hair stores with us. No more boxing us out of the hair trade that you took over.
Weaves for everyone!
He is gong to be here by himself LOL Koreans are Asians and they out (cept those who clearly have a case of the “Dash”).
lol
You’re going to need white guys for the following sports, surfing, skateboarding, and snowboarding, at the end remember pass to the left
I’m not sure we’re into surfing, skateboarding and snowboarding all that much. You can keep them. But you definitely get an A for effort and a day pass.
We have to take Jimmy and Rosalyn Carter, they still building houses in their 90’s….
And ALL GMOs stay right here, we don’t need/want that poison…
Well damn. We need to give Aiden refugee status at the very least.
May I suggest we reconsider the fried chicken wings? Cause I want strudels. I love those things. Let them have a wing or two so I can have my strudel. #somewhatfreetrade
Claudia Rose is ols enough to travel by herself and if not there’s enough grandmas and aunties. Michele can visit on White Day
Maybe but no “tips” those are for us only.
I’m black and my strudel recipe is on point. We keep the chicken wings.
Two days and no one saved a seat for Sinbad. So I’m claiming him for the white people.
You thought…. and you tried it *gently grabs Sinbad by the hand and boards the bus.**
We will give you Ben Carson, Stacey Dash, I’ll be generous and throw in Tiger Woods!!!
No no no, you can’t leave behind all those broken ones. If you need Sinbad, then leave me Kevin Hart instead. I can just put him in my pocket. You won’t even miss him.
My slavic ancestors invented the sugar cube so I think you need to take me. Everyone needs sugar, y’all.
Hang on. My father just pointed out that our people didn’t invent sugar, we just invented putting it in cubes. So basically we made sugar harder to use. Shit. THANKS, BOHEMIA.
My DNA tests said that I’m 1% African so can I get a day pass to visit? I’ll bring the sugar cubes. And an apology for the sugar being in cubes.
I should have known you would try to leave with them. I can’t argue. But can I have Beyoncé? Not the real one, you know…..
1% you say?
(Chats with the committee…)
I think we may have a spot for you, but you gotta stop being shady with the cubes, girlfriend. I’ll let you know for sure next week.
Wait. I’ve got 2% African. TWO WHOLE PERCENT.
Please consider my application for a day pass every now and again, I’m going to miss you guys and the way over 2%ers in my family who are taking off.
“THANKS, BOHEMIA!” Y’all ought to take her, just on the strength of that one joke.
I’m glad you checked ur self on the sugar cube. I was about to do it for you.
Ur honesty and humility should give u sum xtra points on ur application.
Ill stay here, your just going to turn the Serengeti into the projects and a slum anyways, good riddance to all of you.
Hello you finally showed up. We’ve been waiting for you…
Really Noirian?
You melanin deficient asshole. Please stay here in what you referred to as “Serengetti. You or your kind even if you had hot sauce, Idris, chicken and Prince’s complete catalogue would never ever EVA get an invite.
So sit your mad, no sense of humor , racist white behind down next to your sister/niece/wife…..
Next?
Actually since there won’t be anyone to rob us of the natural resources of Blacktopia, steal our culture and reap the financial benefits of them , red line/gentrify and tell us where we cannot live, oppress us economically and attempt to render us financially impotent, create a caste system, limit and/or hinder our education, direct our narrative, and write us out of our own history, I don’t anticipate that happening. But thanks for trying it. Feel free to miss us with the bullish next time tho.
Damn, are we taking GRAMMAR too?
“I’ll stay here, you’re just going to turn the Serengeti into the projects and slums anyways – good riddance to all of you.”
You could prefer to not use the dash (-) and instead end the sentence with a period (.) to make the last part end on more of a bang but you can also add an and/or to replace the dash (-) as well as a with a semi-colon. However, I’d suggest that you add more context to your statement to give it more power because it lacks in truly capturing the essence of how you really feel. If you scroll down further you’ll see that Caesar effectively captured what he wanted to say regardless of his typos. He added passion and even a tad bit humor.
In order for us to appropriately accept this insult, I’d suggest that you re-post with corrections and more content. As of now your grade of hate stands at a solid “F”. I didn’t give you an “N” because I felt that your statement – however flawed, sets a tone for a larger and more effective hateful statement Donald.
*applause*
Mo Merrell, I damn near want to Paypal you an offering for this.
Mo Morrell,
You dragged Donald’s trolling, melanin and humor deficient ass…..just remind him that ‘Your’ is a possessive pronoun indicating ownership as in, “Your ass got blasted on a humor blog for wearing your klan sheets in a racist-free zone”. “You are going to turn…..etc. etc” would have been the grammatically correctly way to phrase your insult. Perhaps he can pass this on to his fellow klansman during his next ‘we hate everybody’ rally.
And even I have typos but the message Donald, the message is clear.
Right here people, There he is, finally out of his wormhole. The reason CONDOMS WERE INVENTED, This waste of Oxygen and Chromosomes up here(The Donald is King, Yes you). Send our condolences to the people that have the misfortune of Knowing you. I m sure the day you were born, people thought you were worth the 40 weeks, and now I m pretty positive they wish the condom didn’t break. SWINE!!!
We gotta keep the mayonnaise… it falls under “GOOD tater salad” ingredients. #sorrynotsorry
We’re taking the drum and the guitar…back to the harp folks.
Oh and I’m definitely claiming seats posthumously for Red Foxx, Richard Pryor and Dick Gregory (he’s not dead but he is old as hell)
Sorry harp was invented in Ethiopia, that comes too.
Actually the first harp like instrument comes from Africa so, looks like they’re going to have to dance to rain and thunder… sorry, sorta, kinda. Okay, not sorry.
these entire two threads have been ALL THAT.
I needed both of them – hilarious
Where Jane Elliott?
We saved her a seat in the freedom rider section with Harry Belafonte, John Lewis, and Bernie Sanders.
Good lokking out.
Bring Tim Wise too, they’ll lynch him if we leave him.
Oh the whole cast of The Godfather. Maybe not Michelle Pfier tho…
Michelle was in Scarface, not the Godfather trilogy. I think you’re taking about Dianne Keaton, Michael’s ugly assed, prune faced 2nd wife? 😀
I stand corrected
Michelle has to come, she has a Black daughter….Claudia Rose.
Claudia Rose is ols enough to travel by herself and if not there’s enough grandmas and aunties. Michele can visit on White Day
Michelle Pfeiffer can come because she has a black (adopted) daughter. Sandra Bullock needs to come because she needs to mother her black kids.
Sandra comes because she’s Black
No one has mentioned taking turkey? What kind of people are we? I need smoked turkey wings/legs for cooking greens, fresh turkey parts for baked turkey wings with gravy and rice. Last, but definitely not least, we MUST take turkey bacon!!! I need to take coconut water as well; we leaving that nasty ass Gatorade after all. All nail polish and accessories along with BBQ potato chips/Fritos will be on a separate plane as to not tempt the weed smokers. Can somebody bring the hot Cheetoes too?
Wahaha. Turkey being native to North America stays. As does corn, tomatoes, squash, pumpkin, ..oh hell, just google, “Foods native to North America”. *passes you a tissue, for when you start crying*
But, talk to your new Republic’s free-trade department, and we can work out some trade routes. *nods*
Except I understand the Native Americans have signed on and get to take all that stuff with them…
My sister, we go to lands where the coconut doth fall from the tree, and thou canst drink the juices therefrom fresh….
…that should make up for turkey, surely?
Ok. I get Pita and hummus. In every white persons house.
Damn, Jeff. Stop making me feel sorry for you! Why am I so freaking sensitive?
Shoot! Let me go talk with the committee and see if I can get you in on one of the busses. I can’t promise you anything. But, I will speak kindly on your behalf.
Man up! Pita and hummus are from the Middle East, no where near your roots. Use some ingenuity and make dip from Great Northern or Kidney beans. Pair it with Rye bread…and stop whining. Sheesh…
We Black, Latinx, and Asian folks are taking chocolate, too. Africa, Asia, and South America are where most of the cocoa beans are grown.
No lie I told this West African lady to take me back to Africa with her, she smiled shyly like yeah right so I grabbed her arm looked in her eyes and said u know I’m not playing right, I been planning my #BLAXIT already yall
I hereby submit my application for asylum to the Isle of Noir, along with my tribute:
Bring me and I’ll bring the beer and the whiskey thanks to my German Irish roots. BEER, PEOPLE! ALCOHOLIC NECTAR OF THE GODS!
I SHALL LET IT FLOW LIKE THE SEAS!
…aaaaaaand now I have to go to the bathroom thinking about seas of beer. BRB.
And if there are any Black geeks in the room, I’ll bring my sci-fi along too, because clearly it’s an underserved community.
Ooh! Geeks! I’m one of those. I’ll bring all my comic books. And Octavia Butler books.
Sorry we have natural alcohol that is not brewed in any man made refinery. It is called Palm wine, from a palm tree, otherwises know as ‘from God to made’. take a seat (african accent).
Okay so the first beer, came from Africa, it was made with honey… whiskey was actually a recipe that the Black folks created as they worked for the white men who produced corn hash… read about it… it’s true. Good try though.
What about spouses of poc? Can our spouses vouch for us and we can get special visas?
Don’t take my husband and babies and leave me behind. I’m willing to be good amd sign in blood to never give white tears or utter the phrase “not all white people.”
We may be able to find a seat for you. Please submit your request in writing and forward to the head of the planning committee for final approval.
I think the decision should rest with the in-laws of color. If they sign your voucher then you’re set.
We’re taking EDM too. That shit was pioneered by black and latino folk. So no more drug-hazed light show festivals for y’all! #SorryNotSorry
I’d like to second the motion for all things turkey: I can’t make my Uncle Pop’s dressin’ w/out it.
As this thread is breathing life into my laughter deprived soul, I’d like to address the issue of all MARVEL AND DC superheroes. Storm and Black Panther are already there but what about Rogue Gambit and Wolverine? Shall we conduct a one drop investigation? Oh and Jews are 2/3 black anyway so Stan Lee has to come. Heads up: Bruce (my hubby) is coming. He raise my children as his own, soooo, yeah.????
Turkeys are native to the Americas and technically are from a land of brown/red people sooooooo… no need to argue that they go with us as well.
People we have turkey in Africa, especially west Africa in abundance
Please, please save a seat for me! All the good Jewish stuff is already packed and on the bus, so I can bring whisky, shortbread, men in kilts and chunky knits. Oh, and I can bring Vodka but that’s really all the Russian stuff anyone wants – I’ll leave the borscht and seasonal depression behind, don’t worry.
You had me at Vodka!
ummm to the person that said we dont get skate boarding remember Tony Alva. yall can keep the snowsports.
to the jews trynna come: who makes the best rugelach (sp?). i volunteer to head the food application committee
I think we should allow Bette in. She really been standing up.
Bette is already on the bus next to Patti Lupone, who I am told we took just for spite.
Wait, there are two Bettes!
Oh damn I didn’t know my whole name would show!
I’m a Jewish housewife. My food game is strong. Tell me where to send the noshes. I’m not above buying my place in your hearts. Or stomachs.
Keep talking,…we’re listening. How strong a game we talkin? We need details, paint us a picture.
I will support your application Meredith if you can cook New York style knishes. But remember you don’t have to be Jewish to love Levy! So we will be taking Judith Craner Protas, posthumously, since she cleverly claimed rye bread thru diversity in advertising. We will be using clever ads to claim all things that go along with rye like mustard, corn beef, pastrami, hot dogs, and yes Knishes! And while we are at it we are taking Cracker Jacks (“Candy-coated popcorn, peanuts and a prize”)
Turkeys are native to the Americas and technically are from a land of brown/red people sooooooo… no need to argue that they go with us as well.
I saw Justin Bieber he has dreads, be on the lookout I understand he’s trying to pass.
Can someone please go get Whitney, thanks.
Roll call:
Cast from all the Black tv shows even the terrible ones
All the Black comedians even the terrible ones *Kat don’t start no sh×t*
Where is Diahann Carroll and Billy Dee? Can someone call Dave Chappell in Africa? Get a hold of Quincy Jones ,tell him to pack up All his music but he has leave his white wife, she can come on White Folks visiting Day.
The Jolie/Pitt family, Angie up for review.
Tylet did we forget TP? He got bank.Donny Hathaway, he can sit next to Roberta…
Bobby Womack’s gotta be in that number!
#WhenTheRandBSaintsGoMarchinIn
This post is life.
Yes, it made my day!
STOP THE BUS we forgot Gordon Prks. Who was going to capture our journey?
yasssss!
I thought the one that killed me was “we may consider u, but in honour of Rosa P, u have to ride in the back” ????????…. that was till I read Alden’s case! The last guy. Oh my word! #Dead #Finished #GetHimOnTheBus ????????????
Okay so…I can get with allowing some Whites the privilege of coming with us, because some of them are “just too cool” however, the bylaws must stipulate that any children born to white women must be fathered by men the shade of Idris or darker! I’m just saying…Let’s keep Onyxland…ONYX.
Tracy, my oldest is darker than that. Can I come? Please don’t leave me here with all the uncool folks. I swear I’ll just die. I MUST HAVE COLLARDS in my life, i ain’t white enough for kale!!!
i don’t think anyone is white enough for kale
At least I have my Nicholas Brothers videos stashed on my external hard-drive. Oh, and my Cab Calloway! Bahaha.
Apparently yoga is from Africa but we taking it either way. NAMASTE Y’all
This has been a blessing! I’ve laughed out loud on the bus home last night and again at work today. Other than the few idiots who were talking shyte the LuvvieNation comes through. We all needed this.
I didn’t get a chance to read this yesterday and now of course, I can’t breathe! My LuvvNation siblings are devoid of chill! ????????????
Ps. I’ve never had potato salad made worth miracle whip. ???? BUT DO NOT GET CRAZY AND TRY AND REVOKE MY BLACK CARD). I’m sure it’s an oversight my grandparents and parents made. DASSIT!
*made with miracle whip
I ONLY like mine with Mayonnaise, and not that NASTY Kraft Mayo, but Hellmann’s!
i know we said all Jazz and All blues, but I want to make sure Lady Day is on the bus/plane too!
What do you do when *dead* is not enough (from the comments), there are actual tears in your eyes and your stomach muscles ache from laughing? Is there a term for this because if so, I’ve got it.
I honestly think this is the BEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN ON THE INTERNET.
Just saying you need women of all colors we created shit like computers and we found out that sex’s were determined by the x and y chromosomes (even though we dont get credit for any of that) and i cant live in a world with all white males and females as a single mother raising a mixed raced baby that shit would be terrible. non racist women of any color are a big asset to ya’lls new world you know you need us we are smart. also i cant believe no one said anything about the fact that a black male doctor was the first person to do open heart surgery but maybe when all the butters are gone there wont be as much of a need for it.
Oh we taking weaves too, YAS hunty we taking quick weaves, wigs, lace fronts (the glue too), weave glue for lashes (oh they be using it), and pig tails with scrunchies! We taking DISCIPLINE (cause they don’t whoop they kids so let them figure that shit out). We taking boosters (yep – go get your stuff from a reputable place at a much higher price). We taking raisins, pepto bismal, 40 ounces, rims on cars and boom boxes! We taking cornbread too AND vinegar! rope chains, velvet joggin suits, LL Cool J, Jada Pinkett and Lisa Bonet! All that….
Y’all have given me the pick me up I needed for the day! I’d like a townhouse in the Republic of Noir!!!! Where kids will have all manner of act rite and respect. Elderly will be treated as royalty.
My mama is white–married to my black father for 40 years until they day he died. And she married him in 1961 when it was illegal in 17 states. That’s GOT to count for something. I don’t want to leave without my mama.
We won’t leave your mama for nothing Marie (hugs)
Proud Native American here. We have land share….oh wait. Never mind.
Marshall Mathers coming. Period.
The verdict is final on him. NO matter the name, NO passes.
This is officially the most awesome place on the web. 😀
Wait, can I come? I’m white but I bake. Like REALLY bake. Cakes and pies and cookies and all goodness. And I’m Jew-ish (I love the bacon). And I make really good brisket. Basically the food. PLEASE TAKE ME WITH YOU!
The Asians have gotta come along…we ain’t even thinking bout leavin Pokemon Go, no not today! NOT EVER!
We are taking all the greens, except for kale. They can keep that sh!t! Oh we are taking Jane Elliot!
If you leave kale, maybe I won’t mind staying behind.
Life will not be worth living after y’all leave (with all of your “stuff”). What happens when your family is multi-racial – do we split up married couples and kids? If not, my whole clan is good to go and we’ll bring Italian food. That’s a whole lotta pasta and pizza.
Maybe this has been covered cause I have a day job but don’t we need mayo for the potato salad…????
Lord have mercy I am dying here. This is the best post sequence EVER. Thank you; I am packed and ready to go.
But you can’t leave without black literary/intellectual folks! You know bell hooks and Alice Walker and Toni Morrison anem got to come! What we gonna read?
My 9 year old cried today as she told me that she was scared of growing up where she will be mistreated because of the color of her skin. I was really sad until I read these posts. Thank you all for reminding me that there are wonderful people in this world! This is hilarious!
Begone. You have no power here.
Oh, Lord, why’d that go there??? That response was for Ceasar.
Umm… We are taking ‘Civilization’ too. Because we made that shit up. Cheikh Anta Diop.
LOL they gonna be left here all uncivilized without peanut butter and elevators and ish.
Can we slide an exemption to Joan Trumpauer Mulholland? I feel like we gotta get her on the bus. She’s been down for the cause since ever.
YASSSS for Joan Mulholland definitely. Freedom Rider, HBCU graduate, member Delta Sigma Theta…
AND ADD the third place Australian runner Peter Norman who stood with Tommie Smith & John Carlos in the ’68 Olympics and was treated like crap by his Olympic committee and Aussie government (refused to send him to ’72 Olympics). Smith & Carlos were pallbearers at his funeral…
I hope we are taking Shondaland and all her shows. I live for “TGIT”.
We don’t need mayo, we don’t use it anyway… we use Miracle Whip and it is coming with us (cuz, potato salad)
Oh wait, the Asians are coming right? Awwwwwww snap, they came up with the concept of Zero. :-O No zeros… no Wall Street.
By way of celebrities we’re def taking Amy Winehouse from the grave bc an old black woman clearly lives inside of her, Lindsay Lohan (just for entertainment and all movies pre 2007ish) and Bill Clinton for obvious reasons. Hillary gets visits. Chelsea is OUT.
As far as food we’re taking deviled eggs bc what’s a black cookout without them? We also deserve French fries AND ketchup hands down for our tireless labor as McDonald’s employees until Mexicans took over–matter of fact all condiments except mayo bc white people have no problem eating dry foods, while we need everything covered in gravy or doused in hot sauce to eat it LOL.
We’re taking the Hellman’s AND the Kraft mayo. Y’all can have Miracle Whip.
We get to keep Hillary Clinton and Adele, right? I mean, that buys us a few more years of pretending everything is okay without you… We can watch old videos of President Obama and reminisce about the good ole days… (He is half ours, you know!)
there will be an emp to erase black culture off this country. youll be left with the thought of how we should have treated them better
If you leave mayonnaise behind how are you going to have potato salad for the barbecue???
This has made me so happy! Thank all you guys for the laughs.
Why would we need token whites for our movies? We can put our black actors in ‘whiteface’. All we need from you is safe passage in leaving. Thanks!
Sure, keep Adele but the DC go-go version of “Hello” (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KN1DJTQZwX0) comes with. We’re taking all unappreciated underground black music too. Merica, bye.
I say we just take the American Red Cross
Jesus, we’re going to be listening to that weird ass music people make from cups of water… I’m not gonna make it.
There will be no great first lady speeches to plagiarize anymore. Now that’s just sad. Picture the fembots stuttering and sparking like someone pulled the plug.
I am begging you not to #blaxit, or to at least allow me a guest pass and have been trying to think of what us white folks could offer. Y’all may have invented or produced all the good things mentioned above and also the quilts of Gees bend, so much folk art, and other beautiful things, but if you blaxit, who will decoupage in your new land, or turn watermelons into carvings, or make lavender wreaths? Think about it. Especially with a blaxit, black women are gonna be busy getting stuff done and managing business. You’re gonna need some white ladies for pointless crafting, and I’d be willing to help.
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!! A friend (she just earned herself another 30 days on the friendship calendar!!) just schooled me on this site, and I feel like I have been missing from my peoples for waaaaayyy too long! Republic of Noir, here I am!!! (jumping up & down, arms flailing) I’ll be sending out SOS signals to my homies who are unaware of #BLAXIT!! I love the energy and laughter ya’ll bring!!!
If I turn in my original 1972 Shirley Chisholm for President button, that I earned volunteering for her campaign at 9 years old, will that get me a day pass? I know she’s already on the bus in her pale mink coat, cat glasses and Diane VonFurstenburg wrap dress, schooling some young un.
Because when you’re all gone this place is going to make Portland look diverse and fun. Good thing I never had kids.
Oh God. Please please PLEASE take me. I’m so pale I’m damn near translucent, but my husband and daughters are Native (his Tribe is descended from the Aztecs) so he can make both bomb-ass Mexican food AND bomb-ass Native food (and who doesn’t love frybread?!?) And being Native, he can smudge all your homes to keep the bad spirits away.
I offer them up as……dowry, because I CANNOT survive in a land surrounded by nothing but knucklefuck, twatwaffle, cuntflaps like that Donald asshole up there.
For the love of Jeebus, please don’t leave me with the in denial racist pricks.
If I hear one more fuckwit talk about people “pulling themselves up by the bootstraps” (without acknowledging we’ve created a society in which people can’t even buy the damned boots), or “Do whatever the cop tells you to and you won’t get shot” (without acknowledging that people of color are pulled over simply for BEING people of color, and that cops are supposed to serve and protect, not be judge jury and executioner), or that “white privilege doesn’t exist” (without realizing that denying white privilege exists, IS ITSELF white privilege), or people who love Trump for “telling it like it is” (without realizing, or at least admitting that means they SUPPORT bigotry, racism, classism, ableism, mysogyny, elitism, and every other piece of verbal diarrhea that comes out of his face anus, and OPPOSE women’s right to manage their own sexual/reproductive/health choices, marriage equality, a living wage, an end to climate change, and everything else that normal, compassionate, ethical people support)…I will DIE. I will curl up in the fetal position and give up on living altogether. Because at that point, there will be no point in living anymore.
I’d like to open the floor to voting on us good white folks creating the neighbor nation of Pastytopia and open dialogue for a travelling and trade agreements. I mean, we have fuck all to trade, but I can do crafty crap. Like, I can decoupage the SHIT out of stuff for ya’ll. We could barter skills, once we figure out what the hell we got to work with.
Have I mentioned my husband can cook AND smudge evil spirits away? He’s also hot as hell, if that helps.
As my last and final plea, since my husband is a person of color, and we have sex (gotdamn good sex too, might I add), that means that TECHNICALLY I have some Native in me (at times), and the ONE DROP rule applies (but maybe I’m not not specifying drop of WHAT exactly), so I think I should be allowed in on said technicality!
Anything? ????????????
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL! You have just killed me with the desperation in your piece. I personally will speak to the committee on your behalf. Just for the fact that you have some Native American in you some of the time.
I second the motion… on a temp. visa.
What about Joe Biden? He’s Obama’s left hand man, and he’s a good guy. We can’t leave Uncle Joe behind!
When will i learn to stop reading your blog at work….I’m howling right here. Don’t wanna get fired.
This ENTIRE thread has made me cheeks hurt , my stomach cramps and my eyes run as I have LAUGHED OUT LOUD when I should be studying! Thank u for this !
My two cents:
Eminem AND Marshall Mathers stay,
as do Tiger’s caublinasian ass, Bow wow’s mixed ass, and Raven Symone’s discriminatory against creative names ass.
To all Jewish applicants:
Mizrachim, get a pass given they are Black from jump, traveled with the Moors and generally got along with everyone.
As for all other are Sephardics, and Ashkenazics, after long deliberation it has been decided that in order to travel your Noodle Kugel, Challah bread, Knishes, Sufganiyot, Latkes, Brisket and cheesecake game must be strong. Please submit your applications along with product to me before Chanukah (since you’ll have all the ingredients for every thing) and we’ll get back to you right after Kwanzaa. (PS… I grew up next to Skokie Illinois so my Jewish food skillz are strong..don’t even attempt to open a box Krusteaz… I’ll know!)
ummmm, I heard there was going to be a White Day? Will the stores be open? Do y’all take cash? How big of a bag can I fill on White Day?
Apples are from the caucuses. That should be a nice relief. (without cinnamon?!)
*sobbing while gazing at wasteland of wonderbread, mayo, and cabbage*
Also willing to be laughed at as I try to dance, play sports, or use twitter.
Yall still have Ikea
Addendum: We are leaving behind Trevor Noah, Russell Simmons, Cam Newton’s fine self :(, The Mother Formerly Known as Oprah, 99% of Anthony Mackie (his gap gets a pass).