Madonna Kissed Drake and No One Has Chill
By now, you’ve probably seen the kiss that made the entire internet cringe: Madonna sucked Drake’s face at Coachella the other night. All I know is she Madonna gotta stop using her tongue like it’s a Purell Wet Wipe. Drake is in my thoughts, y’all. We gotta lift bruh up during these hard times.
I said this on my Facebook profile yesterday and it gave birth to the funniest thread since maybe 2 weeks ago (people stay clowning on my FB pages). My friends and their friends have absolutely nothing resembling chill or behavior. Below is the thread and the comments that ensued.
Tamiya: yes keep him lifted. bless his heart lol
Shawn: He’s so misunderstood. He only wanted to cuddle. Nothing more. Lol
Nia: I’m sure 89% of his soul is missing
Chanel: *drops this pic*
Madonna just sucked out Drake's soul at Coachella like she was a dementor from Azkaban. pic.twitter.com/EMKwXrISwV
— sleepy বাঙালি girl™ (@NotAllBhas) April 13, 2015
Luvvie: LMAOOOO NOT A DEMENTOR FROM AZKABAN!!! Drake shoulda summoned a patronus. I bet his is a strawberry-scented candle that sings Celine Dion songs.
Chanel: I was thinking more of a silk rose like on Beauty and the Beast. *shrug*
Camille: She laid eggs in his mouf
Courtney: I feel for him. Poor guy was grossed out! Her tongue probably tasted like Duracell batteries and Maleficent Puss
LV: Drake had a Crossroads moment and Madonna was definitely the Grim Reaper from the video… SEE HIM AT THE CROSSROADS AND I STILL MISS MY UNCLE CHARLES YAWL!
Bunmi: Ain’t a damn one a y’all got even a bit of chill. Nunya. Luvvie, I CANTSTANDJA!
Gwen: Turns out he does not like the taste of truffle butter, nor the smell of peens past.
Courtney: I think Drake’s patronus is Rick Ross! Someone big and soft yet very scary lol
Gina: I am lifting the brother up. He acted like he tasted stale vag, lil street boy spunk, herpes and the ghosts of penises past.
SanTara: Poor guy! Madonna always looks like she smells of Pall Malls and Miller lite. He will have sleepless nights until he vomits up that brew she stirred up with her tongue. Have we seen pictures of her since this? She’s probably minus 50 wrinkles.
Courtney: Later in the week we are gonna see pictures of Drake looking pale with obvious muscle mass loss… That lady took his youth… Stretch your hands to your screens right now and pray for DELIVERANCE!
Kirsten: Did someone call Madonna a dementor from Azkaban?! See…I had kept it together until that right there. #HereLiesKirsten
Danielle: Right. I’m mad at the articles that are like “Drake and Madonna totes made out!” No. Drake was sexually assaulted onstage by a repeat offender & NAH SANGLE ONEUH YALL came to his aid! #youoksis
Luvvie: Danielle, YOU WILL NOT! LMAOOO! #YouOkSis just took me out.
Luvvie: Yall don’t know. Drake could be one of Madonna’s horcruxes now. Bless.
Nora: Usually her longevity treatments include bathing in the blood of puppies and the colostrum of young mothers, but I think she felt a new wrinkle forming and just took an emergency hit whilst onstage.
Dee: That was Mortal Kombat and she finished him.
Vee: My first thought was, “Can you catch syphilis in the mouf? I guess we bout to find out.” Stay strong, Drizzy.
Sue: It was like when that overly friendly friend of your aunt’s gets into the Pink Moscato..watchout!
Luvvie: I am STILL laughing at yall. The fact that Madonna really did put it on him like this, doe. she’s officially ThatWoman. Lawd. Also: this is so coachella it hurts.
A’Driane: Pretty sure she scooped out his soul with her tongue.
Ericka: If he could of detached his tongue, dip it in bleach as well as gargle with bleach he would have!!! The look on his face was x_x x_x x_x!
KeOnte: He looks like he threw up in his mouth a little. Poor thing, he did not ask to see wat dat mouf do and yet there she is, salivating and violating.
Ty: The best comment I read was when somebody wrote that Madonna laid her eggs in Drake. I was in my break room at work trying not to laugh like a fool.
Gaibrelle: All them Founding Fathers of bacteria that lie in the depths of her orifices…Drake better do 1 more run in the 6 with his woes real quick before he start falling apart like Kadeem Hardison was in ‘Vampire in Brooklyn’
Luvvie: “Founding Fathers of bacteria that lie in the depths of her orifices” I. DON. DIE!!!
Shareese: OMG this THREAD! I experienced an equal number of cringes (she “She laid eggs in his mouf”) and cackles (“…before he start falling apart like Kadeem Hardison was in Vampire in Brooklyn”)!!!!
Patrick: Drake’s gonna cover one of her songs. “Live to Tell.”
Gwendolyn: I bet he wanted something to come snatch and make her tumble off the stage again before that kiss landed. Lol I felt so bad for him for her mouth has been in and out and everywhere. Lo and to and fro…
Lei: Somewhere out there Xtina and Brittney are like “been there, done that”
Lynn: So much chill has left the building y’all g’on make summer start early.
Then on my Awesomely Luvvie Facebook page:
Michelle: Backstage, Madonna told Drake (in her Eartha Kitt voice) “Marcus, I’m not wearing any panties!”
THISSSSS took me clean the hell out. Team No Chill is real and I cannot stop laughing about these comments. Why are we the worst?
P.S. Even the New Yorker is fresh the hell out of chill.