Famous folks

Madonna Kissed Drake and No One Has Chill

By now, you’ve probably seen the kiss that made the entire internet cringe: Madonna sucked Drake’s face at Coachella the other night. All I know is she Madonna gotta stop using her tongue like it’s a Purell Wet Wipe. Drake is in my thoughts, y’all. We gotta lift bruh up during these hard times.

Madonna Drake kiss


I said this on my Facebook profile yesterday and it gave birth to the funniest thread since maybe 2 weeks ago (people stay clowning on my FB pages). My friends and their friends have absolutely nothing resembling chill or behavior. Below is the thread and the comments that ensued.

Tamiya: yes keep him lifted. bless his heart lol

Shawn: He’s so misunderstood. He only wanted to cuddle. Nothing more. Lol

Nia: I’m sure 89% of his soul is missing

Chanel: *drops this pic*

Luvvie: LMAOOOO NOT A DEMENTOR FROM AZKABAN!!! Drake shoulda summoned a patronus. I bet his is a strawberry-scented candle that sings Celine Dion songs.

Chanel: I was thinking more of a silk rose like on Beauty and the Beast. *shrug*

Camille: She laid eggs in his mouf

Courtney: I feel for him. Poor guy was grossed out! Her tongue probably tasted like Duracell batteries and Maleficent Puss

LV: Drake had a Crossroads moment and Madonna was definitely the Grim Reaper from the video… SEE HIM AT THE CROSSROADS AND I STILL MISS MY UNCLE CHARLES YAWL!

Bunmi: Ain’t a damn one a y’all got even a bit of chill. Nunya. Luvvie, I CANTSTANDJA!

Gwen: Turns out he does not like the taste of truffle butter, nor the smell of peens past.

Courtney: I think Drake’s patronus is Rick Ross! Someone big and soft yet very scary lol

Gina: I am lifting the brother up. He acted like he tasted stale vag, lil street boy spunk, herpes and the ghosts of penises past.

SanTara: Poor guy! Madonna always looks like she smells of Pall Malls and Miller lite. He will have sleepless nights until he vomits up that brew she stirred up with her tongue. Have we seen pictures of her since this? She’s probably minus 50 wrinkles.

Courtney: Later in the week we are gonna see pictures of Drake looking pale with obvious muscle mass loss… That lady took his youth… Stretch your hands to your screens right now and pray for DELIVERANCE!

Kirsten: Did someone call Madonna a dementor from Azkaban?! See…I had kept it together until that right there. #HereLiesKirsten


Danielle: Right. I’m mad at the articles that are like “Drake and Madonna totes made out!” No. Drake was sexually assaulted onstage by a repeat offender & NAH SANGLE ONEUH YALL came to his aid! #youoksis

Luvvie: Danielle, YOU WILL NOT! LMAOOO! #YouOkSis just took me out.

Luvvie: Yall don’t know. Drake could be one of Madonna’s horcruxes now. Bless.

Nora: Usually her longevity treatments include bathing in the blood of puppies and the colostrum of young mothers, but I think she felt a new wrinkle forming and just took an emergency hit whilst onstage.

Dee: That was Mortal Kombat and she finished him.

Vee: My first thought was, “Can you catch syphilis in the mouf? I guess we bout to find out.” Stay strong, Drizzy.

Sue: It was like when that overly friendly friend of your aunt’s gets into the Pink Moscato..watchout!

Luvvie: I am STILL laughing at yall. The fact that Madonna really did put it on him like this, doe. she’s officially ThatWoman. Lawd. Also: this is so coachella it hurts.

A’Driane: Pretty sure she scooped out his soul with her tongue.

Ericka: If he could of detached his tongue, dip it in bleach as well as gargle with bleach he would have!!! The look on his face was x_x x_x x_x!

KeOnte: He looks like he threw up in his mouth a little. Poor thing, he did not ask to see wat dat mouf do and yet there she is, salivating and violating.

Ty: The best comment I read was when somebody wrote that Madonna laid her eggs in Drake. I was in my break room at work trying not to laugh like a fool.


Ariel Ursula


Gaibrelle: All them Founding Fathers of bacteria that lie in the depths of her orifices…Drake better do 1 more run in the 6 with his woes real quick before he start falling apart like Kadeem Hardison was in ‘Vampire in Brooklyn’

Luvvie: “Founding Fathers of bacteria that lie in the depths of her orifices” I. DON. DIE!!!

Shareese: OMG this THREAD! I experienced an equal number of cringes (she “She laid eggs in his mouf”) and cackles (“…before he start falling apart like Kadeem Hardison was in Vampire in Brooklyn”)!!!!

Patrick: Drake’s gonna cover one of her songs. “Live to Tell.”

Gwendolyn: I bet he wanted something to come snatch and make her tumble off the stage again before that kiss landed. Lol I felt so bad for him for her mouth has been in and out and everywhere. Lo and to and fro…

Lei: Somewhere out there Xtina and Brittney are like “been there, done that”

Lynn: So much chill has left the building y’all g’on make summer start early.

Then on my Awesomely Luvvie Facebook page:

Michelle: Backstage, Madonna told Drake (in her Eartha Kitt voice) “Marcus, I’m not wearing any panties!”


THISSSSS took me clean the hell out. Team No Chill is real and I cannot stop laughing about these comments. Why are we the worst?

P.S. Even the New Yorker is fresh the hell out of chill.

Drake Madonna New Yorker

Cartoon by Emily Flake for The New Yorker

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  1. April 14, 2015 at 10:20 am

    “He acted like he tasted stale vag, lil street boy spunk, herpes and the ghosts of penises past.”

    Good bye. I’m logging off forever.

  2. KayMac
    April 14, 2015 at 10:35 am

    I hurt so much for young Champagne Papi…I just, LAWD!!!! Can we get Juanita Bynum up in here to do an e-fune for Drakes soul?

  3. jimmy
    April 14, 2015 at 10:39 am

    I have never actually felt sorry for a millionaire before, but Drake, you has my sympathy ( in my Old Mister from Color Purple voice). That desperate heffa mouth looks like it tastes like fish ass, dried cum, & old dollar store baby wipes. Canada has free national healthcare right?

    • Chan
      April 14, 2015 at 5:05 pm

      Fish ass tho? Sir…I cannot!

  4. April 14, 2015 at 12:19 pm


    “Stretch your hands to your screens right now and pray for DELIVERANCE!”

    Kilt my soul.

  5. Z
    April 14, 2015 at 12:25 pm

    I’m really scared, y’all. We all know that poor Brittney never recovered from her brush with Madonna’s lips.

  6. Syrich
    April 14, 2015 at 12:36 pm

    I am here on behalf of Madge, because we are from the same generation, she a few years older but same thing. And I feel it is my duty to say something on her behalf. Now I can’t really defend her, because she has been acting out since day one. She has a very long history of inappropriate behavior. She was one of the first to court and seduce the media using her private parts. So her public and distasteful mollestation of Drake does not surprise me. What I can’t understand is why she can’t sit herself down? Why she can’t show a little grace and class sometime. She has fame and the fortune but still trying to find herself some glory. Maddona, Madge Louise Ciccione Penn Ritche, woman to woman, you ain’t going to find nothing down Drake’s throat. Girl sit yourself down while I try to convince these folks not to make you the butt of every one of their jokes. [Temporarily drifts off] Sorry y’all I got side tracked with a flashback of her and Big Daddy Kane. In fact the more I think about her history, I can’t even speak on her behalf. She’s been using nasty in the name of art for too long and although I commend her efforts at trying to stay relevant, I can not endorse her use of her tongue as a deadly weapon. Drake’s face was priceless.

  7. notconvincedgranny
    April 14, 2015 at 2:17 pm

    Thank you for confirming what I was thinking. I saw Drake wither, turn to dust and blow away in the breeze. Hide yo sons, hide yo husbands, hell, hide humankind – the succubus is coming to suck (clap) You up!

    • April 15, 2015 at 1:19 am

      Just leave me on the church steps. It ain’t safe out here no ‘mo!

    • TinaNoire
      April 17, 2015 at 6:23 pm


  8. Kiva
    April 14, 2015 at 2:38 pm

    I. Am. DEAD! Y’all are the REAL #TeamNoCHILL LMAO!!

  9. Melissa
    April 14, 2015 at 4:16 pm

    I ALL THE WAY DIED! Hilarity at its finest. Not a Horcrux! Awwww poor Drake…just hold on we’re going home – or nah? People thought something was wrong with me because I was cry-laughing in my office

    • Lala
      April 14, 2015 at 8:38 pm

      “…just hold on we’re going home – or nah?”

  10. NeNe
    April 14, 2015 at 4:17 pm

    Ya’ll!! My breathing is so laboured right now, it’s like the old Aretha and the old Chaka Khan are sitting on my chest having an acapella battle of “The Boy is mine” replete with dance moves! I can’t!!!

    • samdiva
      April 15, 2015 at 8:59 pm

      That one took me out. I’m crying, snorting laughing. Got my nose running, drooling and all that. I’m so glad I’m in my own house alone because if I was at work I’d be fired. And if I had witnesses I’d be committed. This feed made my life!

  11. M
    April 14, 2015 at 4:21 pm

    “Marcus….I’m not wearing any panties” will NEVER get old! Not a Drake fan but I got $5 for the fundraiser to purchase his soul back.

    And boo to Madonna. Sisters out here slaying and redefining what getting older as a diva looks like and she steady ruining the game. #shecantsitwithus

  12. MzCafe
    April 14, 2015 at 4:47 pm

    I don’t even FB that often but Luvvie -you are going to make me FB just so I can read and laugh at the shenanigans on your page especially after this Drake posting-LOL!!

  13. Absurdist
    April 14, 2015 at 6:20 pm

    It’s a promo for the next Alien movie. The chestburster has been planted…

  14. Deja
    April 14, 2015 at 9:07 pm

    every time i see this clip, it makes me want to insta-choke, like when the hot sauce in your collard greens unexpectedly hits the back of your throat…

    • Kenyatta
      April 15, 2015 at 4:10 pm

      See. I know exactly what you mean, and this is why I’m slain in the spirit.

  15. April 14, 2015 at 11:49 pm

    I sure did “@” you on that New Yorker cartoon, I thought: “Luvvie MUST SEE DIS!”

  16. Msbetty
    April 15, 2015 at 1:07 am

    Y’all some damned fools. I been laying in my bed just cacklin cause of y’all plus the look on that boy face. Did he put his hand up to his mouf like he was finto vomik?

  17. Diva
    April 15, 2015 at 9:52 am

    I just finished washing my Team No Chill t-shirt & it will be worn with pride.
    Madge gave me PTSD flashbacks of that time I was violated with a mouth full of the refer smoke my ex’s friend assaulted me with. I was not prepared for it. I didn’t ask for it, want it or appreciate the combination of his plaque filled, stale vag smelling mouf commingled with Hennessy & inferior ganja. No.
    I want to send Madonna me & Drake’s therapy bills. There is no coming back from an experience like that unscathed.
    Drake: Boo, I’m so sorry this happened to you. I’m here if you need me.
    Keep a bottle of Listerine & Holy Water with you at all times. Make sure you have some by your bedside as well.

    • jimmy
      April 15, 2015 at 9:18 pm

      Ok now that must have been horrific. I need you to get to a support group because the thought of all that made me throw up a little.

  18. B Sanders
    April 15, 2015 at 4:36 pm

    It really makes me angry when I see how she was totally dominating Drake! He attempted to rub her hair and she forcibly pressed his hand/arm down! Really? Then, I noticed her disconcerted she looked when he recoiled after her kiss! Serves her right. That white woman privilege got the best of her! Not every brother’s fantasy is to make out with a white woman! Girl, bye!!!

  19. Sparkle T
    April 15, 2015 at 8:16 pm

    Can we start a GoFundMe to get Drake ‘s soul back, or nah?

  20. Runway
    April 15, 2015 at 8:50 pm

    Everyone who kisses Madonna goes batshit crazy at some point and the recovery was a long-term journey: Britney, Christina, Sean Penn.

    Madonna’s flesh piece is tainted. Poor Aubrey.

  21. April 16, 2015 at 3:35 pm

    Hilarious stuff. Not sure if it was staged though…with these people one can never tell.

    • Hagar
      April 27, 2015 at 6:02 am

      Oh, no. If Madge stages something, it’s to make her look sexy. Drake looked like Smokey did when he threw Deebo’s skid-marked draws off the Big Gulp and then (for reasons known only to himself) sniffed the straw. Disgust was real, horror was real.