TV and Movies

The Wars to Come: Game of Thrones Season 5 Premiere Recap

Game of Thrones is back and as chill-deficient ever. The season 5 premiere episode let us know that there is no plan to slow down the chaos in Westeros. In fact, things are getting ultra real. Everybody is currently in the midst of disarray, and no one is on anything resembling solid ground. The fight for the Iron Throne is going to be long and dirty, with many “wars to come.” Let’s get into it.

game of thrones background small

Two young girls are walking through the woods and one of them is scared they’re there. Me too, girl. I don’t do dark places where snakes could be. They enter a cave, where Maggy the Witch is. The bold girl asks her to read her future, and the witch does, after sucking some blood from boldy’s finger. She tells her that she will become Queen but she’ll lose her throne to a younger, prettier girl. Also, “The king will have 20 children and you will have 3.” The girl is Cersei Lannister, who has clearly always been about that ballsy life.

In present day, Cersei sees a smirking Margaery Tyrell as she walks up stairs to see the body of her now dead father, Tywin Lannister.

Margaery Cersei 1 Margaery Cersei 2

Jamie Lannister, her LoverTwinIncestPartner, is standing guard, even though he was directly indirectly responsible for their father’s death. She tells him this is all his fault and they’re now more vulnerable than ever. True.

At Tywin’s repast, folks are giving her condolences but she doesn’t give a damb. Finally, some barefoot dude walks up to her and it’s her cousin Lancel, who is now a scientologist religious zealot. We last saw him in like season 1 or 2 but he looks different. He apologizes for seducing her, and at this point I just wanna rename Cersei Incest Irene. Why is she only attracted to men she’s blood relatives with?

Brienne of Tarth the Trill is not pleased with the fact that she has no Lord to serve, because “the good lords are dead and the rest of them are monsters.”


The one promise she made has been unfilled, and it was to Lady Stark (may she rest). She said she’d get her children home, but she lost Arya and she has no idea where Sansa is. Oddly enough as she’s barking at Podrick about this, Littlefinger (aka Lord Baelish) and Sansa Stark roll by in a convoy of horses and carriages. He is taking the now dark-haired Stark “to a land so far from here that even Cersei Lannister can’t get her hands on you.” Oh.

Tyrion Lannister tumbles out of a crate and stretches, seeing outside for the first time in a while, because he is now rocking a full beard (and I like it). He goes straight to some wine and takes it to the head, as Varys shakes his head and wonders if he needs to find medieval AA for his little friend. Tyrion wants to know why the sneaky whisperer saved him. What is in it for him and why did he risk his own life to help the luckless Lannister?

Tyrion Varys 1 Tyrion Varys 2

“A drunken dwarf will never be a savior of the 7 kingdoms.” That ain’t the point! The bald man says:

“I don’t believe in saviors. I believe men of talent have a part to play in the wars to come… Any fool with a bit of luck can find himself born into power but earning it for yourself: that takes work. I want peace, prosperity; a land where the powerful do not prey on the powerless… Perhaps we’ve grown so used to horror, we assume there’s no other way.”

I just wanted to quote that because Varys preached a WORD there. That’s what I want too, sir. Anywho, he tells Tyrion that he could help the right person ascend to power. Someone who is scary, inspiring, has a powerful army and a royal name: Daenerys. WHO RUN THE WORLD? GIRLS.

At Pentos, where Daenerys Targaryen is ruling un-supreme as queen, one of the Unsullied men gets his throat slashed by a prostitute in a brothel. Because even the medieval hoes are realest Gs. Honestly, she’s in over her head and when one of the people of Pentos suggests that she lets them open the Fighting Pit, she says no. Because human cockfighting isn’t her thing.

Her and friend and advisor with benefits Daario have a conversation where he tells her to get her dragons because she is the mother of their bad asses. One of the dragons ran away after it said “I HATE YOU MOM” in Dragonspeak but the other two are locked up and away in some dungeon. Dany goes to see them and like any already emo children that you ground for a long time, they were not too pleased to see her. They almost burned her eyebrows off and she ran for cover by a column.

Dragons 1 Dragons 2

Her giant, scaly, fire-breathing children aren’t feeling the love.

At the Night’s Watch, Jon Snow and his luxurious hair are summoned by Melisandre the red-haired witch. He might know nothing but he knows how to use some mousse (hey boo). He asks her if she’s cold and she said nah because “The Lord’s fire lives within me.” Is that contagious? It sounds painful. She should take something for that. Anywho, Stannis Baratheon wants him to help get the Wildlings to join his army. This plan sounds terrible.

Jon goes to the captured Mance Rayder, leader of the Wildings and wearer of some amazing looking fur to convince him. Mance says he is not going to bend the knee and it is beyond his pride. Why should he send his people to die for some war that they aren’t even really a part of. He tells the man that he thinks he’s making a major mistake, because if he says no, he will be burned at the stake. Mance says “The freedom to make my own mistakes is all I ever wanted.” And THAT is a word.

When nighttime comes, Mance Rayder is brought to the middle of the square at the wall, where a pit of wood is waiting. Stannis Baratheon gives him one last chance to bend the knee and he refuses as some of the Wildlings look on.

Stannis Baratheon 1 Stannis Baratheon Mance 2

They tie Mance to the wooden poll and Melisandre starts giving a wack ass eulogy ain’t nobody #axed her too. She lights the fire, and although Mance starts to panic at the reality of death in his face, he does not scream. Jon can’t watch as the wood around him lights up, so he walks away. The fire is starting to work it’s way to the man’s feet and his men are watching. Suddenly, an arrow goes through his heart. Jon Snow put him out of his misery because he’s a good and noble man. He’s just like his father Ned, and this will always get him in trouble. Because in Westeros, being good will get you powerful enemies, and often killed.

Dambit, Jon Snow. I love his noble ass. Also: he’s bae.

Jon Snow

He’s so FAHN!

But yes. Episode 1 and already somebody dies. An episode of Game of Thrones isn’t complete without somebody meeting their maker. Mance went out like a real G, holding on to his beliefs til the end. But Jon is going to pay for not letting him die a slow, torturous scorching death.

We didn’t see Arya Stark this episode but I expect to see her soon, since she’s at Valar Morgulis school.

I’m liking this Varys and Tyrion pairing. Their conversation was brilliant, and their adventures are about to be interesting. Drunk bearded Tyrion still manages to be charming as hell too. Peter Dinklage is so dope.

These “Wars to come” are gonna be serious. The phrase was uttered by both Varys and Mance and folks better get ready. Margaery Tyrell is definitely plotting how she’s gonna bring down Cersei. She’s having her gay brother marry Sis Lannister, and her eyes are on Tommen, so she can be queen. One of the wars to come has to be between her and Cersei and I put my Westeros dollars on her.

Anywho, discuss! Those of you who’ve read the Game of Thrones books. SHUT YOUR TRAPS ABOUT SPOILERS TO COME IF YOU’RE COMMENTING ON MY BLOG! Don’t make me fight you and block you from ever commenting here again. That is all. JUST DISCUSS THE SHOW UP TO THIS POINT! 

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  1. April 13, 2015 at 12:32 pm

    Yay, Luvvie! *wild applause* An excellent recap, girl. Also, the TV show is deviating from the books so those who-love-to-give-spoilers-in-recap-comments are already pouting in a corner somewhere. Can’t wait to hear about next week’s episode!

    • April 14, 2015 at 11:39 am

      I cackled at

      “those who-love-to-give-spoilers-in-recap-comments are already pouting in a corner somewhere”

  2. Niki
    April 13, 2015 at 12:36 pm

    I need to know why Melisandra was so intrigued by Jon’s sexual status. She’s gonna try and get her a piece, ain’t she? I hope not. Also, I used to think Stannis Baratheon was ok. Now, he just looks like a spineless, power hungry ass just like the rest of them. I wanted to knock that shit-eating grin off his face when they set my boy Mance on fire. That was some boolsheet. I sho ’nuff hit my toe-touch into a split for Jon Snow though! He is just so…everything. I hope him being everything does get doesn’t get him #Kilt like “my n*gga Ned” (shout out to Key and Peele).

    • Serenity
      April 13, 2015 at 3:19 pm

      Meli is prolly looking for her next sacrifice. Because that is a stupid question to be asking a man of that age with that hair…

      • April 13, 2015 at 4:42 pm

        Lmao! You slayed me with your comment!!!

    • mochazina
      April 13, 2015 at 3:24 pm

      cuz she’s a nasty hooch and her lady bits eat menfolk and spit out demons.

      • Absurdist
        April 13, 2015 at 3:43 pm

        You win. Hands down.

      • nia0079
        April 14, 2015 at 11:52 am


    • Genesis
      April 13, 2015 at 5:17 pm

      “I sho ’nuff hit my toe-touch into a split for Jon Snow though!” I’m cryin’!!!

  3. Yvette
    April 13, 2015 at 1:09 pm

    Thank you for the recap!! Your insight is refreshing!

    I am hoping with all hope that Daanerys character grows stronger!!! I don’t want her to act like a punk with her dragon children! She needs to give them a spanking and remind her that SHE is the Mother of Dragons!!!

    (I was side eyeing that Melisandra too!!!)

  4. April 13, 2015 at 1:33 pm

    Thank you for the recap! This is great…missed the show cause… Family but I knew I could count on you.

  5. April 13, 2015 at 3:54 pm

    Love the recap! I’ve always loved the banter/conversation between Varys and Tyrion, because both of them are so ridiculously intelligent and people keep underestimating them. If they meet up and form an alliance with Daenarys, it’s all over for Westeros.

    Oh, and you can ogle over Jon Snow all you want, but he’s mine 🙂

  6. Gambeanosnitch
    April 13, 2015 at 4:29 pm

    White rat? Grey worm? Seriously the unsullied cop a raw deal. No genitals and names that a 5 year old would make up

  7. Luvvie's #1 Fan
    April 13, 2015 at 5:47 pm

    Awesome recap, Luvvie! Very entertaining, and I can tell you love the show as much as I do. One correction though: Dany, her dragons and her Unsullied are all still in Meereen, not Pentos. It’s Tyrion and Varys who are currently in Pentos. Cheers! Keep ’em coming!

  8. A.L. Walker
    April 13, 2015 at 9:29 pm

    Luvvie, I love you and your sense of humor! And your recaps are HA-larious.

  9. Andrea
    April 14, 2015 at 1:51 am

    Loved your recap, Luvvie! My GOT experience is not complete w/o your recaps! But I just wanted to mention that a prostitute didn’t slash the Unsullied’s throat. It was a man working with the Sons of the Harpy, a group of nobles who oppose the rule of Daenerys. 🙂

    Oh, and, Jon Snow is so very FAHN!! He is the bae of all baes!!

  10. KMN
    April 14, 2015 at 8:23 am

    Did you see this with Jon Snow? #Idied lmao…

    And your recaps are everything

  11. Deelish
    April 14, 2015 at 12:28 pm

    Episodes 1-4 are online at I just got my life watching them!

  12. Chase Franks
    April 14, 2015 at 12:46 pm

    Stannis burned him because he was deserter from the Nights Watch. Not because he was power hungry. Also Luvvie I love the recaps but you definitely gotta quit calling them “lady starks” and “arya starks” (just Stark). Yeah i know it’s small but I can’t share your post to other discussion groups bc they’ll think you don’t know nothing (like jon snow lol)

  13. April 15, 2015 at 5:07 pm

    John Snow needs to take a note from Sansa and learn how to mind his business and lay low every now and then! I swear on the Old Gods AND the new if anyone else with the last name Stark ( or Snow ) goes up yonder to visit Big Ned in the sky i am DONE

    • Cleojonz
      April 16, 2015 at 8:08 am

      If Jon Snow does not make it to the end and ascend the throne (because I do believe he is really stark/Targaeryn and no I did not read the books.) I will go kick George R.R. Martin’s ass. I’m with you, another Stark better NOT perish.

  14. Skegeeace
    April 19, 2015 at 6:05 pm

    I’m glad they gave Mance a more dignified death on TV. In the book, he died a more “cowardly” death in the fire, but honestly I wasn’t even mad at him because death by fire is NOT the business.

  15. Cleopatra
    April 28, 2015 at 2:17 am

    I see Jon Snow and he’s my hero and all but I want Grey Worm to come rub his nonexistent man-parts on me while I sing him a lullaby.
    I saw how Missandei was all “Why would an Unsullied visit a brothel?” cos she’s hoping something works so she can get it in too

    • Deezy
      April 28, 2015 at 4:08 pm

      Cleo, you are clearly reading my mind and singing my LIFEEEEEEEEEE! “rub his nonexistent man-parts on me while I sing him a lullaby..” #ilive #nowait #idied