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Why Does Kale Taste Like Dreams Deferred?

One day I looked up and everyone had become the Bubba Gump of Kale, talmbout kale salad, kale soup, kale smoothies, kale sammiches, kale nail polish (yes really. It’s called NailKale. Everyone go home. You’re drunk!). It was all kale everything and I was like whappened? Why it happen?

I know yall love you some kale but I have had it on more than one occasion and each time, I wonder if the person who offered it to me really likes me. I really start to question our friendship when you offer me a green leaf that tastes like unrealized potential with a tad of olive oil but mostly the savoriness of grass.

I am not here for Kale apologists and I don’t believe in your ministry. You know the people who just insist that you haven’t found someone to cook it right. Is this leaf a magic kettle that you gotta rub perfect so the genie (and good taste) can pop out? That’s too much work! Do I gotta sing kale a heartfelt love song so it can soften up and be delicious? Why must I bribe kale with property and good music before it gets behavior? It’s so high maintenance. Is spinach busy? Me and spinach can talk because it’s a bit less involved.

“Kale ain’t nothing but baby spinach with high blood pressure.” – @GeorgiatheGypsy

Folks be talmbout “you just gotta massage it.” DID KALE BUY THIS SPECIAL ON GROUPON?? Why do I need to sit up here and rub its shoulders for it to be appetizing? Who got time for this high-faluting veggie? The only food I cater to is jollof rice and even it doesn’t require pampering like this.

“OMG. Kale is totally delicious if you place it next to a window sill when it’s exactly 74.3 degrees outside for exactly 3 minutes and 13 seconds. And then you massage it and purr while you do it but you have to do it in an alto voice and then you twirl 2 times clockwise. It is REALLY good when you do that.” – Team Kale

Folks say it’s an acquired taste. Well where do I acquire kale that doesn’t make my taste buds frown at me?

Some of my friends are kale lobbyists too. My girl Erika of Black Girls’ Guide to Weight Loss is one of them. Every time I see her, she threatens me with kale or other vegetables. EWWWW!!! This is why I’m getting her a Cassie album for Christmas this year. She doesn’t want me to be happy. AT ALL.

I am not here for the Pro-Kale Propaganda. That is yellow journalism and I won’t hear it.

Lucille Bluthe gif

Kale tastes like scorned exes feel and yall be making green smoothies with it. NO MA’AMS AND SIRS! Keep your radioactive juice. I’m on to you. You’re tryna make kale fetch happen and it won’t work!

What happens to a dream deferred (aka kale)? Does it dry up like the hopes of tomorrow without olive oil? Does it fester on your plate and then make you regret your choice? The answer is yes. Always.

I know many of you love kale but I’ll be over here FOREVER HATING ON KALE. WHERE’RE MY FELLOW HATERS AT?!? And Kale Lovers, share your secrets to making it not taste like abject bad decisions.

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  1. denise
    August 19, 2014 at 3:04 pm

    Kale is the silliness of people jumping on a bandwagon. It’s up to the same price as asparagus where I live – total nonsense!

    Now, if you were maligning mustard greens, I’d have to tell you to get a seat! \__

    • JazzT
      August 19, 2014 at 3:22 pm

      Damn, asparagus? You can get it right now for about 80 cents a bunch. Sometimes less. I love kale long time, they’re all greens to me. Mustard, turnip, collard…kale.

  2. August 19, 2014 at 3:05 pm

    This is the first time I have ever responded after being a fan going on two years…and I’m SO done with you! LOL! Why does it have to taste like scorned exes, tho!

    Love you, girl! Keep up the AMAZING work!

    • Dar
      August 19, 2014 at 3:31 pm

      Leah me too!! I literally SPIT all over my computer at “Kale ain’t nothing but baby spinach with high blood pressure”

  3. Jessica
    August 19, 2014 at 3:16 pm

    YES! I’m tired of being told, “You just don’t like the taste of earthy things…”

    Uhhh no.

    AND I refuse to believe it’s an acquired taste.

  4. Dawn W
    August 19, 2014 at 3:18 pm

    I eat every green there is. Mustard, collard, turnip, spinach, arugula, iceberg, red leaf, green leaf, all of it. Kale however, is, and always will be, the decorative, presentation leaf that other food is set on top of. In my best Blaine and Twan voice “HATED IT”.

    • ZaidahNicole
      August 19, 2014 at 5:36 pm

      ^^^^^^ THIS! Sweet Bebeh Jeezus in the Straw-Lined Manger, THIS!!!!!

  5. August 19, 2014 at 3:20 pm

    OMG. DIS ME.

    I hate Kale. I won’t tolerate it. And I was here for every piece of this blog.

  6. MissTish
    August 19, 2014 at 3:23 pm

    Kale tastes like lost love, toothaches, earwax, taxes, death AND trouble…The taste of kale CANNOT be improved with the addition of pork, which clearly means that kale is not of God. Getchu some collard greens!

    • Wendyful1
      August 19, 2014 at 3:52 pm


    • TawannaS
      August 20, 2014 at 4:55 pm

      If I could like a comment I’d like this one 100 times!

    • December 3, 2014 at 9:36 am

      Madam! Why you gotta do this to me?! I love that if it’s not improved with the addition of pork it is not of God. I’m over here on the floor if anyone needs me.

  7. August 19, 2014 at 3:29 pm

    Wait, yall dont even like it when its cooked like collards?

    You just have to go to someones grandmama house for it. And if you walk in the house, and you arent immediately knocked down (and slightly offended) by the smell of cooked greens? move on to the next house…

    • Donna
      August 19, 2014 at 4:36 pm

      The first time I had kale was in a smoothie, but I couldn’t taste it due to all the added fruit. From there I started using it on a regular basis for my smoothies, just to have some type of greens. Now there is that one time, when my GOD-Mother cooked some kale and I could have sworn it was collard greens. They were that good. I probably would never use it on a salad, though.

    • August 22, 2014 at 2:02 pm

      2437 E 28th St

    • August 22, 2014 at 2:05 pm

      I agree. If you like the other greens cooked with smoked turkey or pork and well seasoned, kale is no different. Love all the greens. It’s not like it’s beets. yuk lol

    • msjai
      December 3, 2014 at 9:15 am


  8. Natasha
    August 19, 2014 at 3:32 pm

    HA HA HA@ “bribe kale with property and good music before it gets behavior” I was not feeling the kale bandwagon either. That was until…I had some braised with white beans. It was one of the most delicious things I have EVER eaten. Of course I am sure ALL of the healthiness was cooked out of it the way it had flavor lol.

  9. mochazina
    August 19, 2014 at 3:32 pm

    i, too, was super skeptical about kale. the best tip i’ve received about cooking it is to use copious amounts of garlic. that works. 🙂 i prefer sauteed kale. any other herbs or spices to season it that work with garlic are good to go. and i eat the stems, too, rebel that i am. finely chopped and sauteed extra long before the leaves go in so they’re all tender together. yup. that’s my kale dish.

  10. MsZ
    August 19, 2014 at 3:33 pm

    My grandmother mixes kale in with her collard greens. Tastes good to me. However, do not try to give me that in a smoothie, nor just dry. That’s nasty.

    • Milaxx
      August 19, 2014 at 3:52 pm

      My grand did too

  11. Randomly Jazzy
    August 19, 2014 at 3:39 pm

    Yo, I was in my feelings until you said this ““OMG. Kale is totally delicious if you place it next to a window sill when it’s exactly 74.3 degrees outside for exactly 3 minutes and 13 seconds. And then you massage it and purr while you do it but you have to do it in an alto voice and then you twirl 2 times clockwise. It is REALLY good when you do that.” – Team Kale….” lmao I love me some kale with some white rice, in my smoothies or stir fried with some ginger and garlic. Girl! It really is an acquired taste, unlike Cassie…oops.

  12. Shar Jay
    August 19, 2014 at 3:42 pm

    Kale is great in smoothies with bananas or other fruit. I’m not here to defend KaleGate but that’s how I like it (disguised)…..any other way is just uncivilized!

  13. Mason's Oreo
    August 19, 2014 at 3:45 pm

    “Do I gotta sing kale a heartfelt love song so it can soften up and be delicious? Why must I bribe kale with property and good music before it gets behavior? It’s so high maintenance.”

    Why does kale have to be the gold digger veggie?

  14. Milaxx
    August 19, 2014 at 3:49 pm

    I LOVE kale! In fact, I’m sitting in Whole Foods enjoying a glass of kale lemonade as I read this. Then again I grew up on kale. My grandmother wud make a pot of mixed greens: either kale or collards mixed with white cabbage. It odd that it’s become a thing now but I still love it.

  15. Wendyful1
    August 19, 2014 at 3:57 pm

    Kale is offensive. It’s like swastikas in a synagogue offensive. Just plain highly offensive. Those saying it’s comparable to collard greens or mustard greens are terrorists.

    • August 21, 2014 at 7:27 am

      To the corner, now!

  16. Christine
    August 19, 2014 at 3:57 pm

    Any Bluth references are always welcome. Always.

    I like kale, but it is by far not my favorite green. If you like collards, you can treat kale the same way and cook the ever loving life out of it with some salt pork or a ham hock. I like to boil it until it’s tender but not totally soft (so like 10 minutes?), drain, chop. Heat up some olive oil in a pan, sauté some garlic (maybe on medium low) throw in chile flakes and a few anchovies – weird maybe, delicious? yes. This is how I treat a lot of greens though, adjusting the boiling time up front or eliminating completely for something like spinach. This is also great for cauliflower.

    That said? I don’t get the need to throw it in everything. My smoothies are just fine without it.

    • milaxx
      August 19, 2014 at 7:26 pm

      I like mine like that minus the anchovies.

  17. Claire
    August 19, 2014 at 3:58 pm

    I don’t want to eat anything I have to dress up like I’m taking it to the Oscars. I’d rather eat Angelina’s green emerald earrings. Because good taste.

  18. August 19, 2014 at 4:03 pm

    It’s aiight if you cook the shit out of it. With chicken broth, olive oil, salt, pepper, red pepper flakes and enough garlic to kill a vampire. Y’all can miss me with the smoothies too (but I will sip a spinach smoothie!). Also? Y’all ain’t fooling me farmers market wit that BABY KALE bullshit, talbout make a salad wit it. RAW?! THA HELL?!!!! Nope. Not at all!!! ::smh::

  19. Ash
    August 19, 2014 at 4:05 pm

    Kale chips and raw kale…hell naw. Cooked kale…delicious. All you need is a steam basket and Zatarain’s Creole Seasoning. Get your life.

  20. Mrs. Moultrie
    August 19, 2014 at 4:15 pm

    Kale reminds me of Torrei Hart right about now. All like, ” Look at me! I’m happy, and healthy and fine! I’m good for you!” But then you realized that she’s actually bitter AF.

    • ZaidahNicole
      August 19, 2014 at 5:40 pm

      ^^^^^ I have just acquired so much life from this post!

    • Ella
      August 19, 2014 at 7:13 pm

      LOL Why Torrei gotta get thrown under the bus with Kale?! Bwahahahahahahahaha Just when you thought you’d won the battle, Torrei, someone compares you, your life, and your struggle to kale. Woo woo…

    • Shani
      August 20, 2014 at 12:17 pm

      ROTFLMAO! This is one that made me crack up!

    • dmcmillian72
      August 21, 2014 at 11:05 am

      OMG!!! ALLADIS!!! Sooooo, yeah… That Torrei chick is a messy, instagating lil’ thing, isn’t she? Not that Tameka isn’t equally a bitter hot mess herself, but at Tameka’s (lame a$$) charity thingy…? Yeah, that was SOOOO NOT the time for Torrei to say…anything, really. And I wish that LHHATL-reject Tracey would go the entire phuq AWAY! Mind ya business, Bish! Lol!

      But um… Yeah, I’ve never tasted kale because…I have eyes! It’s so thick…like the unnatural thickening of the skin some people get in old age. Which leads me to believe it’s bitter…and I’ve done good to learn to like the bitter that comes with a spring-mix leafy green salad as it is! I don’t believe you can cook kale for only 10 minutes then it’s magically tender. Lol! I eat most other leafy greens though, so I’m good on never tasting kale.

  21. Kimm
    August 19, 2014 at 4:22 pm

    Well, I have always liked the way that kale was cooked in my family, but it probably doesn’t count because we cooked in in a big vat of fat, smoked pork with onions, garlic and spices…it probably cancelled out any health benefits the kale may have had to begin with…

  22. Kiana
    August 19, 2014 at 4:31 pm

    I like kale…and your blog has me cackling out loud at the dentist office. Just cook it like you do collards or turnip greens. Don’t buy into all this bougie, fancy pants stuff. Boil a turkey butt and get your kale life.

  23. Aponda
    August 19, 2014 at 4:46 pm

    The fact that people (me included) eat it raw would make my grandmother laugh herself back to death. When I was a kid she said kale was what people who couldn’t afford collards would eat.

  24. nyc123
    August 19, 2014 at 4:54 pm

    I love kale. If a salad place doesn’t have kale as an option I’m offended like “Wheett?! How do you not have this?” I cheat my kale salad though. I throw everything but the kitchen sink in my kale salad (Kale, blue cheese, corn, dried cranberries, grapes, red onions, grilled chicken and bacon). I know its a lot, and when I’m trying to be good I leave out the cheese (but keep the bacon). Bacon and kale is AMAZING. I love sauteed kale, raw kale, and kale in smoothies. It’s a meaty leafy green like collards.

  25. August 19, 2014 at 5:44 pm

    see I’m about to be one of those people who tells you that “you just haven’t had it prepared properly”. Kale CAN be delicious.

  26. August 19, 2014 at 6:01 pm

    I love kale! It’s gotta have lots of garlic, apple cider vinegar and smoked turkey. Now that kale salad or in a smoothie – that’s nasty. IMHO…

  27. Monnie Keith
    August 19, 2014 at 6:01 pm

    I also love kale but can’t understand this new, raw, drink it crap. Smoked meat and your favorite spices cooked until a broth is at the bottom of the big ole greens pot is the beginning of the process, and it is a process. Roll the kale leaves and cut into bite-sized pieces and stir into the bubbling broth. I also do this with collards. I don’t like it cooked to death – I like a little bite to my greens. I include pepper flakes, garlic, vegetable seasoning (bouillon), hot sauce, liquid smoke, and usually cook them in smoked spare ribs… yeah, PORK. Folks call them Monnie’s Smoking Mean Greens and eat them like crazy.

  28. Jen
    August 19, 2014 at 6:03 pm

    I like kale; well more like tolerate baby kale in smoothies (the fruit and stuff covers up the taste), and it’s not too bad in salads. Kale chips can miss me, however.

  29. August 19, 2014 at 6:05 pm

    Tastes like lawn clippings no matter how much bacon grease I use. Preach on!

  30. Pam
    August 19, 2014 at 6:09 pm

    This remark is from a woman who didn’t eat ANYTHING green until I was 30. Well except apple green Now and Laters and Jolly Ranchers!! HA!
    I love raw Kale. And for that i apologize to everyone who tried to feed me when I was a kid who would cry rather than eat greens. This is what I do. Marinate the Kale in Italian dressing, not a lot just enough to soften the Kale. Season with salt and pepper. I serve it with cubed tomatoes, cucumbers and Feta cheese on top like a salad and a bit more Italian dressing. DELICIOUS! Try it, you might like it.

    And I use Kale in my smoothies, and I also switch up and use collards and spinach. I’ve been a vegetarian for 4 years so I have to keep trying different veggies, my Kale is a winner.

  31. KayMee
    August 19, 2014 at 6:19 pm

    When did Kale get all bougie? It was what my Gram and Mama mixed with collards and other greens to stretch them and it used to cost like 50 cents a pound. Now that certain fancy folks and The Kale Growers Association lobbyists and food writers got us thinking it ‘s a “miracle food” you can’t get it cheaply anymore. It is definitely an acquired taste. However, Kale chips are the devil…

    • Moni
      August 20, 2014 at 12:24 pm

      “When did Kale get all bougie?”

      DONE! LMAO!

  32. Ella
    August 19, 2014 at 7:17 pm

    I swear I want to try like almost all of these recipes! I don’t really like raw kale, but haven’t been in the lab. I had a salad one time that was so good I’d love to make up with the person, grab the kale salad recipe, and then have them take several seats again. But if it doesn’t happen I’m good with my spinach 😉

  33. i'm sleep tho...
    August 19, 2014 at 8:10 pm

    i usually lurk but had to comment cuz this post broke me…you had me at the title with that langston hughes poem, and the rest was just hilarious. still laughing at you getting your friend a cassie cd.

    also i couldn’t agree more regarding kale. i tasted a leaf once as a child (don’t judge me) and that shit was tastier than this over-hyped veggie…no gawd.

  34. Dee
    August 19, 2014 at 8:25 pm

    I am SO done with you Luvvie.
    Baby spinach with high blood pressure… Damn you. I’m laughing so hard I can’t breathe. And- I love kale soup!

  35. CT
    August 19, 2014 at 9:04 pm

    “This is why I’m getting her a Cassie album for Christmas this year.”

    LMAO I can’t. But I also agree with everything said here.

    FLOTUS side-eye to soul food establishments that try to pass off kale as greens. Yes, that’s a real thing that’s happened here in California.

  36. Lanre
    August 19, 2014 at 9:30 pm

    De-lurking to comment.
    This post absolutely made my day.
    I tried to jump on the kale band wagon after I saw FLOTUS make some kale chips on TV. Worst thing I ever tasted. I don’t care if it’s good for you… kale is terribly horrible.
    I cosign this post.

  37. Kenzi
    August 19, 2014 at 9:49 pm

    I actually like Kale mixed in my smoothies..I think the trick is you have to pt more fruit than kale and you can’t use no pansy arse fruits with no covering taste like papaya and what not. Also Jamba Juice Kale ribbean breeze it actually pretty good you do t taste the kale at all. There is also one at robeks can’t remember he name can’t taste that either.

    I can only vouch for smoothies I haven’t tried to just cook Kale or eat it any other way

  38. Emti
    August 19, 2014 at 10:28 pm

    Kale, like dark chocolate, is an abomination unto God and I rebuke it

    • August 19, 2014 at 10:34 pm

      YES! Dark chocolate tastes like bad decisions too.

    • Nichelle
      August 19, 2014 at 11:38 pm

      Both of these things. PREACH! This comment and the post got me my entire life! I can’t even mess with spinach ; I don’t want nothin that tastes like what’s leftover after the lawn mower went by. Nope and/or NAWL.

  39. LovesKale
    August 20, 2014 at 12:00 am

    I grew up on kale too, never even had colored greens until college. First time I had a kale salad was at a vegan restaurant, and homeboy must have massaged it, sweet talked it, lit a candle or something because it was DELISH. I li-tru-lly licked the plate.

  40. Sharon Omangi
    August 20, 2014 at 2:04 am

    Nail Kale…Haaaaaaaaaaa!

    Seriously though, Kale or Sukuma Wiki as we call it over here in Kenya, is a staple in almost all our meals. It’s actually really delicious when it’s chopped up and lightly fried in red onion and tomato.

    Try it 🙂

    • August 20, 2014 at 2:16 am

      Girl, I KNOW. (see post below)
      It’s when people veer into Kale Chips territory that things start to go wrong.

  41. August 20, 2014 at 2:14 am

    Out here (Kenya) kale is a staple food. Damn near everyone has it with ugali (what Nigerians call ‘fufu’ but made of maize meal) ’cause it’s so cheap and easy to prepare.
    When the Health Food R Us movement got a hold of it, it was like “What, this?”. We don’t get the hype.
    Growing up eating it means you don’t notice or have grown to enjoy the taste. Either way, WE HIT IT FIRST. *moonwalks off stage holding hands with Ray J*

    • Donna
      August 20, 2014 at 12:15 pm

      Evey you are hilarious. But let go of Ray J’s hand, ’cause we don’t know where it’s been . . .

      • August 21, 2014 at 7:28 am

        Girl you know, now that I think about it, I might have to borrow whatever hazmat suit Yeezus wears around Ray Js partner in #nawl.

    • August 20, 2014 at 3:45 pm

      OMG I would KILL for some ugali RIGHT NOW…. I have been actively trying to date a Nigerian for MY ENTIRE life JUST for the FOOD!!!! LOL…. I love kale and kale chips PEOPLE think I am crazy it tastes like green nectar from the GAWDS…. I refuse however to eat the KALE CHIPS especially the ones from whole foods they taste like ASS CHOWDER

      • August 21, 2014 at 7:30 am

        Shoot, just food? Kenyan brothers can hook you up proper. *hums spiritual*

  42. August 20, 2014 at 8:28 am

    The first time I tried kale was in a vegetable soup I made. When I started, the soup was a lovely golden colour, studded with the bright orange and brilliant yellow of delicious carrots and corn. Then I threw some shredded kale in and the whole thing instantly turned dark green and murky.
    That was it for kale and me. It’s so invasive. And it tastes like what I imagine the muck in the treads of my sneakers would taste like.

    • ash
      August 20, 2014 at 2:02 pm

      I hope I get my comment right. I NEVER! SAID I AIN’T EVER! I never comment but this right here had me in the pews begging for redemption. you began with a fairytale and ended with a horror film. talking ’bout the creature from the black lagoon. child, you had me in the nawl corner like NO! I flatlined and ate dirt for Christmas. no. you simply cannot have me like this. I am not ready. you will not claim me. I refuse. kale though. I’m afraid of what harm it may cause my liberal healthy eating life. it may show me the direction to butter, bacon and salty red meat. a path I AIN’T never walked before. that valley of the shadow of kale shall be avoided and struck down by the powers of thy baby Jesus manger. I shall eat straw and commune with barn animals before I commit to such deceit. no. amen.

    • MissTish
      August 20, 2014 at 3:57 pm

      Ass-chowder, do’? I’m about to dig my own grave and get in it, Tom and Jerry style.

  43. Dee
    August 20, 2014 at 8:52 am

    I don’t enjoy kale nor it’s cousin swiss chard. But I grow and eat both. Womp womp. Spinach FTW!

    • August 21, 2014 at 7:37 am

      Swiss chard tastes like a botched execution.

      • soulmariposa
        December 3, 2014 at 11:51 am

        botched execution, though? I gasped.

  44. Serenity
    August 20, 2014 at 9:45 am

    All of y’all are crazy!!!!

    Kale is the truth!!!

    And I’on care if y’all don’t like it. More for me!!!

  45. Tracy
    August 20, 2014 at 12:01 pm

    I come not only for your hilarious commentaries but for the comment sections as well.

    Some of my best days are when I see in my email inbox that you’ve written a new blog post!

  46. Coqui
    August 20, 2014 at 12:14 pm

    Kale was very tasty when my Grandmother cooked it; like everything else, the hipsters ruined it for me. They can’t ever leave well enough alone

  47. Donna
    August 20, 2014 at 12:21 pm

    Love spinach, love broccoli, love kale, all the dark green vegetables. My kids say when I am cooking the house smells like “dirt.” Yup. Keeps me very healthy.
    I like to heat olive oil, sauté garlic and onions, then throw in a bunch of green veggies and cook until soft. Season with salt and pepper to taste, add vinegar, and you have a pretty tasty dish.
    Just don’t overcook it like our grandmothers were taught to boil green vegetables until they were limp and dead.

  48. August 20, 2014 at 12:39 pm

    Take your Kale smush it up with some avocados, squish some lemons on it, add parmesan and bacon bits. Yum!

    Now Kale cooked by itself..oh yeah. terrible.

  49. August 20, 2014 at 1:03 pm

    I am not a lover of Kale while I do love most of my green that Kale she is something else and I don’t like her, I also don’t like hearing it taste earthy well so does dirt and I don’t eat that either

  50. Lamar
    August 20, 2014 at 1:21 pm

    Luvvie you are the answer to an otherwise lousy day. I am crying at work. Thank you.
    And Mrs. Moultrie, you sealed the deal and laid me out. POW!

  51. Ashley
    August 20, 2014 at 1:28 pm

    Ate Kale once before it was super popular. It tasted terrible which I should have known from my niece’s sad faces AND to add insult I found out I have a food sensitivity to it. So I was pissed about eating it cuz it tasted gross and my throat was swollen and painful for hours after. It took weeks to eat anything at my sister’s again…I didnt trust her.

  52. Wannabefoodie08
    August 20, 2014 at 2:22 pm

    Kale and I are cool. We have come to an understanding. I have only enjoyed it once cooked. One time! However, I like kale chips and in my avocado banana smoothies. Otherwise, when we see each other in the streets we pretend that we don’t know each other.

  53. August 20, 2014 at 3:33 pm

    Tomorrows blog “Swiss Chard tastes like lard”

  54. August 20, 2014 at 3:41 pm

    I’m a kale convert, and it really is all about massaging it! You gotta wilt it down a bit and let it sit. A little olive oil, garlic, lemon juice, and parmesan . . . mmmmmm.

  55. Latonya
    August 20, 2014 at 3:50 pm

    I am on team kale, but my family? Not so much. They say that kale, like beets, have no friends and are the suicide victims of the vegetable world because they smell and taste like dirt and despair.

  56. August 20, 2014 at 5:16 pm

    Girl, I died at this article. Damn near dropped my baby ’cause I was laughing so hard.

    BTW, homegirl ain’t gonna be your friend for long after she unwraps that Cassie album. #justsayin

  57. August 20, 2014 at 7:22 pm

    I had kale for the first time this week and it’s the worst thing I’ve ever tasted. I’d rather drink castor oil than eat kale. Yuck!

  58. Catherine
    August 20, 2014 at 9:24 pm

    I never read the comments on any public articles b/c they make my head hurt. WTBS: I live for the comments section on your posts.

  59. August 21, 2014 at 12:02 am

    Love this post.

    I tried making kale chips once. I put them in a ziploc on the counter when they were done. When I opened them, I actually looked around the bag because it smelled like my cat had pissed on the counter.

    Nope. Never going to acquire a taste for it.

    • December 4, 2014 at 2:37 pm

      I will try most foods twice, because it is possible the first time something turned out badly. But this comment just turned killed any thought I might have about trying kale chips. Any food that makes you look for animal waste is not meant for eating.

  60. Sevyn
    August 21, 2014 at 6:27 am

    For saying all the things in my head….THANK YOU!! It’s funny how something that has been in existence is suddenly the savior of souls! “You must be preparing it wrong”, “you didn’t eat it under the rainbow”, “it’s an acquired taste”–from who tho!! Yep, I love this article and I’m still lmao at “dreams deferred” & “Bubba Gump of Kale”–you are sick wit it!! Keep up the good work!!!

  61. August 21, 2014 at 7:46 am

    Luvvie, this is hands down one of the funniest posts you’ve written to date.

    That said, kale and I are still getting to know each other. I’ve had it in soup, and it’s delicious. I don’t know how it looks without makeup, but they seem nice so far.

  62. August 21, 2014 at 8:53 am

    Some people are food snobs…I’m not one of them…although I do shop at Whole Foods and Trader Joe’s. LOL.

  63. Rizzeh
    August 21, 2014 at 8:12 pm

    Caldo Verde


    1/4 cup extra-virgin olive oil, divided
    1/2 pound chouriço or linguiça (smoked Portuguese sausages) or kielbasa, cut into 1/2-inch pieces
    1 medium onion, chopped
    2 garlic cloves, minced
    1 pound russet (baking) potatoes, peeled and cut into 1-inch pieces
    6 cups water
    1 pound kale, stems and center ribs discarded and leaves very thinly sliced

    Accompaniment: piri-piri sauce or other hot sauce


    Heat 1 tablespoon oil in a 5-quart heavy pot over medium-high heat until it shimmers, then brown sausage, stirring often, 2 to 3 minutes. Transfer with a slotted spoon to a bowl. Add 2 tablespoon oil to fat in pot and cook onion and garlic with 1/4 teaspoon each of salt and pepper over medium heat, stirring often, until browned, 7 to 8 minutes.

    Add potatoes, water, and 1 teaspoon salt and simmer, covered, until potatoes are very tender, 15 to 20 minutes. Mash some potatoes into soup to thicken, then add kale and simmer, uncovered, until tender, about 5 minutes. Stir in sausage and cook until just heated through, 1 to 2 minutes. Drizzle with remaining tablespoon oil and season with salt and pepper.

    Per serving: Calories 459, Total fat 24g, Saturated fat 6g, Cholesterol 39mg, Sodium 1468g, Carbohydrate 49g, Fiber 5g, Protein 15g

  64. […] + Me and Luvvie have the same views on kale.  […]

  65. Scotian Queen
    August 22, 2014 at 2:24 pm

    It doesnt even look like something you wanna eat. I actually thought it was just for rabbits lol
    “taste like scorned exes” #idied

  66. Viola
    August 22, 2014 at 5:33 pm

    Thank you!! I thought something was wrong with me. Collard greens all the way………….

  67. Saundra
    August 22, 2014 at 5:59 pm

    Kale…and yes, dark chocolate is the stuff we have to eat so we can have the stuff we really want. Y’all, just keep on living….

  68. Tundraleigh
    August 25, 2014 at 7:30 am

    What?! If you don’t like kale, you are NOT doing it right. My favorite kale recipe on earth involves kale, cashews, lemons, onions and my treasured dehydrator. We make a batch of kale chips religiously, every weekend. Even my four-year-old daughter is crazy about these:

    Now, if you want to talk truly over-rated? Bacon. Nasty, just…nasty, smelly, greasy stuff. The smell alone makes me gag, and it permeates the entire house. Do one on how over-rated bacon is, I’m right there with you on that. Can’t live without my kale chips though.

    • Susan
      December 8, 2014 at 9:11 pm

      Bacon is over-rated?!? Witch! You need to be tortured and burned on the stake cuz you is truly the devil. Y’all, summun lay hands on this chile, cast them demons out like Legion. Those spirits need to enter that dehydrated fuckery you talmbout and run off of a cliff! Ah shah ta ma shay tay, OUT! Lawd Jebus, she got me speaking in tongues over here. Don’t you evah, evah, not nevah, disrespect bacon up here in this piece again.

  69. JS
    October 21, 2014 at 10:37 pm

    I’m late to the party here, but I consider Kale a miracle food. It’s like the loaves and fishes. It never runs out! And if I take a bite, I chew and swallow and chew and swallow…and keep going forever and it never is completely gone. I have decided to let others partake. I’ll leave the kale for them and eat anything else available. anything.

  70. erin greene
    December 3, 2014 at 10:45 am


  71. Niki Mitchell
    December 3, 2014 at 11:18 am

    Cook it in a pot of collards with smoked turkey butts (the juicy part of the turkey) onion, garlic and other spices you put in regular greens. Someone else said it, you’ve probably spooked all the nutrients out of it but the taste is heavenly.

  72. December 3, 2014 at 11:43 am

    Luvvie!!! Girl, getchu 5 garlic clove, olive oil, garlic powder, onion powder, chili powder, sea salt.

    Grade or press the garlic cloves. Sautee the kale first until a bit wilted, then add the crushed garlic and sautee a little more adding seasoning and salt to taste.
    Enjoy Hun!!!

  73. December 3, 2014 at 1:10 pm

    Kale has four letters. Love has four letters. Your argument is invalid. *drops mic*

  74. Jim G.
    December 3, 2014 at 2:24 pm

    Kale is the Mussolini of greens.
    My wife sneaks it daily, so it seems
    Into casseroles, not cooked, but conspired:
    She’s included God’s green razor wire.
    So, like a kid, I push my food around my plate
    To make it LOOK eaten: it ain’t. It’s kale that I hate,
    Not my wife–her intentions are kind:
    She wants this old guy healthy and fine.
    So kale, you sharp pointy greenery,
    Remain a fixture of our dinnertime scenery.
    Except for this, my life is a Utopia–
    Except for kale: Il Duce to my Ethiopia.

    • Susan
      December 8, 2014 at 9:16 pm

      This, oh lawd. Genius.

  75. December 5, 2014 at 3:38 pm

    I just got home from the grocery store, where I found kale sprouts next to the mushrooms. Seeing as how other sprouts taste like dirt, I can’t begin to imagine what kale sprouts taste like.

  76. MoMo
    December 8, 2014 at 2:10 pm

    Kale is very iffy for me. Raw kale salad = sadness, Kale chips = a life full of bad decisions, but sauteed kale with a ton of soy sauce, onions, garlic etc = delicious! I’ll still take spinach or virtually any other green over kale though….

  77. Kanesha
    December 22, 2014 at 12:17 am

    @ Rizzeh – The Caldo Verde recipe was my introduction to kale in soup. Love it in salads, not too sure about the smoothies.

  78. Dragonfly
    January 16, 2015 at 9:25 am

    I’m just mad that the hipsters found out about it and made the price shoot up. In Kenya they chop it finely and saute with tomatoes and onions and call it “sukuma wiki”, which means to “push through the week” — which means it is traditionally a poor people’s food. Until white folks Columbused the damn plant. Now poor people can’t afford it anymore.

  79. Linda Mizell
    April 1, 2015 at 10:06 pm

    fried in coconut oil and sprinkled with sea salt… f’real!

  80. Tea
    April 1, 2015 at 11:00 pm

    I hate kale and kale juice smell like camel vomit.

  81. terreb
    April 2, 2015 at 8:23 am

    i finally found a way to eat kale that works (for me). i know, that it took work is pitiful, but hear me out. i first steam it, then let it cool and toss it with a vinaigrette, preferably caesar or greek. toss in feta if you have it/like it, and add apple slices. a sweet apple is preferred. here in atlanta a large bag is about $2.50. i’m on the road all day, so this is easy to take along and provides that salt/sweet flavor i love.

  82. Jelly Jam
    April 2, 2015 at 1:51 pm

    A-menz… *praise hand*

  83. April 17, 2015 at 11:58 am

    […] Tweets. A quick perusal on AwesomelyLuvvie could potentially leave you in tears (see: “Why Does Kale Taste Like Dreams Deferred?“). “Oh all my foolery?” Luvvie asks in response to where she gets her humor from. […]

  84. Leslie Vandever
    April 21, 2015 at 9:41 am

    I love this! Everything is kale-this and kale-that, but kale tastes like and has the texture of Bermuda grass. Sure, it’s full of nutrition, but so is spinach–and it actually tastes good. It’s so nice to know that there are other anti-kale people out there. I don’t feel so alone, now! 😉

  85. […] don’t hate it as much as kale or Spirit Airlines but candy corn is in my top 10 list of things I want to abolish. So I saw a […]

  86. Mica
    December 16, 2015 at 8:47 pm

    My husband just asked me what does Kale taste like and I Google this just so he could find out

  87. Rana Silver
    January 19, 2016 at 4:25 pm

    Fresh squeezed oj
    white raisins
    smoked paprika
    olive oil
    kale, cut from stems and chiffonade cut.

  88. Kbon
    January 19, 2016 at 4:57 pm

    Luvvie, kale is just greens. If you like collards, mustard, and creases, you like kale, too. You just need somebody to wash them well, and cook them bad boys down in a big pot with some fatback (that’s right, autocorrect, I said fatback) and some seasoning and you’ll be good!

  89. January 19, 2016 at 5:50 pm

    I tried putting kale in my smoothies and realized I’m allergic to it. Praise little baby Jesus because it was not the right flavor for me. I ride out all day and night with my homie Mr. Spinach. When I see people running to pick Kale chips I do a headspin!!!!! I’m with you Luvvie on this beast of a vegetable.

  90. lizz
    January 20, 2016 at 7:46 pm

    Tastes like pesticides.

  91. Annie
    January 21, 2016 at 12:23 pm

    Don’t forget, though, there’s kale in Olive Garden’s Zuppa Toscana. And that stuff is delish.

  92. Michol
    February 21, 2017 at 2:24 am

    BACON! The key is bacon. You have to cook bacon, chop it up, and cook it for like 3 minutes with kale.