This Winter Weather is a Fool But This Prayer Has Me Cackling
To say this winter has been rough is like saying Idris Elba is a little bit handsome. NAWL! It’s a gross understatement! This has been the first time I’ve seriously thought about breaking up with Chicago via a post-it note by the night stand in the middle of the night. I’m so OVER the cold weather and the snow, lawd. The fact that the wind chill was -52 degrees like 3 weeks ago. That shouldn’t e’em be legal.
Who pissed Mother Nature off and ate its last bowl of rice? One of you drank all of the milk and put the empty container right back into the fridge because she is PISSED!
It’s “shaving my legs is officially out because I need the extra fur for warmth and you won’t judge me” weather (you know skinny girl problems are real). It’s that “You want me to come out the house? It better be worth it!” weather. I am so anti-outside right now. That is the type of weather where when you breathe, you feel like you just snorted coke because your whole brain is gon be like “WTF IS THIS?”
Hoth is the planet in Star Wars. HA!
There is no comfort that everywhere else around the country, the weather is acting a complete fool too. NO comfort. Although we’re all in this together.
As you know by now, Atlanta got proverbially punched in the face this week with weather it was not used to AT ALL! And it wreaked havoc in the city. The snow basically shut it down, some people were stuck in their cars for over a day and kids had to spend the night in school. Folks compared it to the Walking Dead.
Someone (@DontBlowMeBruh) took to Instagram to say a good word to the Lord about these conditions and their prayer had me laughing until I cried.
“Father for I know where the equator is” was the first thing that took me CLEAN out. Because surely, the world is topsy turvy when Alaska’s looking like the tropics compared to ATL. Something ain’t right.
And then “I think the blind man who you made see is playing with the thermostat. Or maybe y’all have a new girl working in the weather office.” *howls* Heaven got a new intern who pressed the wrong button and she needs to get sufficiently trained because we are outchea suffering!
Priceless. Just so damb priceless! Thank you, Brother Troy! This reminds of the prayer for Teef Keef (you have to read that. HAVE TO) that had me unable to behave for a good 3 hours. I could NOT stop laughing.
The moral of this story is that we’re all super sick of winter. I’m so doggone over it that I just wanna move somewhere and open up a shack on someone’s beach somewhere selling coconuts and Chinese slippers. And to think. We still got 2 more months of this (at least).
UGH.
Saints and aints, how bad has this winter been for you? Are you ready to quit and become a hermit too? Did you pray for this snow? If you did, I really wish your remote control batteries always run out when it’s on the infomercial channel. I mean it. (-__-)
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I am an Autumn Baby. I’m not bout this Winter life. We have had mild Winters since 2010 and now God is like “Here….. I forgot this for a couple years.” Or Maybe he is making up for Baby Jesus lost childhood. It don’t snow in Jerusalem. So when Jesus came to the U.S. to save us from Justin Bieber, God gave his only begotten son a snow day…. or two…
Bwahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!
Okay. That was an awesome display of religion, geography, pop culture and current events knowledge. Well done!
While I’m crying at this prayer, your lovely site suggested that I visit your story on Jimmy McMillan. So I did. And that is where my productivity ended. He ran for mayor of NYC in 2013 and made a Rent is Too Damn High Anthem. And I am clear out of cans after watching this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rHEitsYJnmw#t=12. I cannot. Don’t ask for me. Say nice things at my funegro and bury me in those shoes on the left!!
This weather has me wanting to rededicate my life to Christ as a candidate for baptism, then I remember that it’s below freezer and I just lay prostrate at the altar. I feel like we need to go back to the old testament days and sacrifice a fatted calf and anoint the door post so that the Angel of Freeze will pass us over. Then add to that all the old places that you use to dream about are now nightmares. THERE WAS SNOW IN FLORIDA!! Like what life is this we are living. Get right church – because the Lordt is surely coming….
#slayed #dead #cannotgetup #realtears
the angel of freeze. O.M.G. hilare …
Yes I’m in Fl. our city didn’t quite get snow we got sleet aka yo shoes aren’t made for this weather. So at school I decided to park my car (which was covered in ice) on top of the garage b/c hey that way it will get more sun. THE WHOLE TOP FLOOR WAS COVERED IN ICE. I bust my behind trying to get to class. God don’t like us no mo :(.
So I have been on the job hunt since December and got a call for a position that coulod hold me til I get a REAL job about a week before they were even talking about the polar vortex of hell.
What is the job you ask?
Mutha fuggin DOG WALKING!
And every week I check the weather hoping for normal winter temperature (20-40 degrees is the Chicago weather I’m used to) But NOOOOOOOO every week they say “Another vortex is on its way” always hitting on the day i have to go out. It cant hit on my day off so I can stay in and enjoy the plowed and salted streets tomorrow….nope I gotta roll thru the dangerous soft snow hoping my car doesn’t slide into a ditch or tree or another car.
I. DON’T. LIKE. COLD. WEATHER!!!
Well, up in the northern part of Florida (that no one knows exists), we had sleet, people kept their kids out of school for two days thinking it was going to be a replica of ATL, and people didn’t know how to defrost their windshields. BTW, north Florida actually has a few weeks of winter every year.
What’s crazy is that was Wednesday. It’s Friday now and it’s 70 degrees. So, after two days of arguing back and forth on FB between Southerners and Northerners who are used to those conditions, I’ve come to realize that I’ve never heard of snow chains, snow tires, or ice scrapers and have no clue what they look like.
But I’ve also come to realize that “Superstorm” Sandy was a Category 1 hurricane that the folks up North couldn’t survive. A Cat 1 hurricane is basically a rain shower (to us). Yeah, the weather’s weird, but I’ll take Florida winter over any other state’s winter.
Checking in from sunny South Florida (please don’t rip me a new one regarding all the foolery that takes place in Fl. I’m equally disgusted)… I would probably be on someone’s beach right now if this rainy weather wasn’t an issue.. Anywhoooooo, stay warm y’all!!!
I’ve narrowed my excursions down to places I will be able to hole up for awhile. I’m avoiding the cold as much as possible. Come on Spring and Summer! This is getting ridiculous. What really kills me about Arkansas is the temperature will get up in the high 60’s for a couple of days and then turn frostbite cold with no warning and remain that cold for a few days. I just want that “new girl in the weather department” to get on her job. fix this.
that prayer did it for me. i’m no more good lmfao!
Yeah….I live in Los Angeles about 15 minutes from the beach, so I can’t relate to any of this. The only inclimate weather I’ve had to deal with this winter is the early morning fog and mist. It like 65 today but we’ll be back in the high 70’s next week. Good luck with that…
You can’t sit with us. And I know you don’t want to anyway b/c you’re in paradise. *cries* I’M SO JELLIS!
The tank top and flip flops I wear tomorrow will be in your honor. *pours out a little Fanta in the sand for my frozen homies*
Ha! I ain’t mad at it! West coast is winning this weather game. LOL
Another West Coster checking in from the Bay Area. I was born and raised in Maryland so I sympathize with this rude and disrespectful Polar Vortex that has completely remixed winter. Don’t be too jellies yet. We running out of water in Paradise cause we are way low on rainfall. And because I’m shallow my main concern is washing my hair under water restrictions. I have only lived here 3 yrs and have never been under drought orders. So it would be great if God’s weather intern could get her shit together and send some rain to the West Coast. K. Thx. Bye.
Winter is showing its ass this year and I am so over it! I need to take up a collection for my gas bill.
You ain’t the only one! Me and my roomie were talking about stripping for extra on the last TWO 3-digit light bills…but the way our bodies are setup, we don’t have TAHM to get stuck on the pole like Ralphie in A Christmas Story!
LOL!
I’m a teacher in Philly. I love it because of snow days. #sorrynotsorry lol
checking in from the ice planet Hoth … this weather has our gas bill outchea thuggin’ for our ENTIRE bank account.
that’s enough out of you jack frost. pack your sh*t and gtfo. take old man winter with you. he smells like frozen hot dog water. you can come back on the 32nd of neveruary.
ICE PLANET HOTH!!!
This whole comment is chock FULL OF WIN!
This! I’mma be real made if my income tax refund goes towards paying off my darn gas bill.
Guys, can we talk about my ELECTRIC BILL! I live in TN. It doesn’t snow alot but the COLD, the BONE CHILLING COLD! It’s been 10-12 degrees every night for the past 3 weeks!!!!!! I just! I’m unable to deal! And I’m originally from MA. I’m OVER IT! OVER IT!
That map is pretty much accurate for Texas. We get some ice chips that you find in the back of the freezer, and the whole central area shuts down. One day, we had 41 accidents between 5am – 8am. Like…what?! I’m not equipped for this. I’m from Cali. I’m used to ocean breezes and seagulls. I’m not here for the devils halitosis in summer and this cold stuff that’s located under a polar bears toenail in winter. There’s an icebox where mother nature’s heart used to be and I need that bitch to find it. -_-
“I’m not here for the devils halitosis in summer and this cold stuff that’s located under a polar bears toenail in winter. There’s an icebox where mother nature’s heart used to be and I need that bitch to find it.”
you made my day with this! lol
LMAO @ devil’s halitosis…you have to be talking about Houston cuz I almost died the first summer I moved here, had me thinking about shaving all my hair off just to cool down
Naw, I live near Austin. Not shave off all your hair though LOL
I’ve been living in LA for 2 years now from Chicago. Yesterday, I saw a woman bundling up her kids in this 59 degree weather. I’m talking hats, gloves, the works. I just smh.
I too am a citizen of Hoth, ‘cept I’ve been lucky enough to be able to work at home when mother nature turns into a b*tch with PMS. In my head I’m all, “what’s everybody so whiny about? So it’s cold, so what? Everyone is a bunch of p*ssies.” Yeah, I hate me too….
I am offended that whomever made that map graphic did not include Michigan in, “HOW DO YOU PEOPLE LIVE LIKE THIS?” because I’ve been yelling that all month!
I just moved from Vancouver, BC to Southern California the first of this year. I’m still adjusting to shorts and flip flops in January. I feel your pain. We are in this together.
They say the South shall rise again, but two inches of snow took Atlanta out like William Tecumseh Sherman. Got folks sleeping in Costco for lack of shelter like that’s just something people do.
“This time the fire, the ice next time!” – James Baldwin in the alternate Universe this weather hath wrought.
Hmmmmm Welp, I got nothing…. *sips sweet tea in Las Vegas* Sorry y’all! I’m fluffy as hell, but this big girl ain’t built for cold weather. Eff alladat! #westcoastgirlforlife
I’m in Houston. Everything about our weather screams bipolar and commitment issues. Monday it rains, Tuesday it rained, then iced over, then snowed. Wednesday the sun was out. Today it’s in the 70s and cloudy. This is why folks stay sick. But I’m praying for everyone having to endure all this ice and snow. I hope ya’ll stay safe and warm.
Maaaane look…if I went out in that goofball-ass weather to come see someone, we go together, you put and ring on it, and we about to have babies….
That prayer gave me life. And this is why I live in Florida. My city’s high is 75 degrees tomorrow.
I would have LOVED for some of that Atlanta or Chattanooga (southeast TN) snow to be the excuse as to why it’s been SO DAMB COLD in Nashville, depending on what day it is, for the last 3 weeks! My boss would’ve still tried to pick me up so I can work, but my soul would’ve been anchored as he and his “4 wheel drive” baby pick-up truck slid down the THREE hills inside my apartment complex because his Yankee butt refuses to let us Southerners be great AT HOME! lol and THAT’S how I feel about this bi-polar, shape-shifting weather we’re all going through (I shouldn’t be surprised at this point; the weather in Middle Tennessee has ALWAYS been wonky!).
They crying about 2 inches of snow while I’m stuck with 18 inches in the polar vortex of Northern Chiberia, Illinois. Mother Nature is most certainly suffering a MAJOR break-up and I want to beatdown whomsoever broke her pretty little heart. This is beyond ridiculous. Our summer is going to be HELL if/when it comes.
That’s it! Mother Nature is Taylor Swift!!
“you is kind. you is smart. you is important.”
said no-effing-body to winter 2013/14.
Hilarious!!
*dead*
It’s 70 in Texas today. Supposed to be snowing next weekend. Lawd, help it. Whatever we did we won’t do it no mo!
This weather is just… idk man. It’s so cold the ants have decided to come & freeload off of me & my sister’s heat. Hope they ready to put something on this ComEd bill though, shoot.
im tired of it but for other reasons, im in LA its been hot as hell out here, like summer, i beg for moderate or winter like weather (as much winter we get) it finally the past few days cooled down to the lower 70s upper 60s and for that i am grateful.
I’m in St. Louis, MO. I CAN NOT with this weather. I am offended by it! Snowmageddon shut our City down earlier this month. It has been colder than ever! It’s that “quit your job and hibernate ’til springtime” weather.
I live in Arkansas. The saying has always been, “In Arkansas if you don’t like the weather, stick around, it’ll change.” On MLK day the high was a balmy 72 degrees. People of a lighter hue were pulling out the Daisy Dukes and flip flops. I myself even had on a t-shirt. Folks driving around in convertibles with the top down. Life was grand. THE VERY NEXT DAY: a high of 28 degrees. THE HIGH! We aren’t the tropics, but we just are not equipped for this nonsense. We don’t even know how to dress anymore. Earlier this week I wore my cute shoes and damn near lost toes to frostbite. Today I dressed as if it were winter and I sweated like a hooker in Sunday School. More times than not this winter my refrigerator has been warmer than outside. That mess is just not right.
I live in DC. The president clowned our school system his 1st year in office for closing for what he called a little bit of snow. Every since then, they’ve been playing will they, won’t they with the snow days. Additionally, I’ve worn all my cute winter clothes and I’m now recycling the same 4 outfits that are appropriate for when the thermostat says “colder than a witches tittie”.
Born and raised in Chicago and I’ve never been this sick of winter as I am today…and it isn’t even February!!
Last time we got this much snow in January was 1918 and 1979 (the snowstorm that got Michael Bilandic thrown out of office).
See, the thing is,
FEBRUARY is supposed to be the worst month.
Worse than what we’ve just been through?
I don’t even wanna think about the next 28 days…oh please let them go by fast.
The other three seasons need to sit down with Winter and have an intervention talk, cause it has gone buck wild! Fortunately, my addiction to Candy Crush takes my mind off the cold for awhile. Does anybody know a good strategy for getting rid of all the jelly?
Wellllllll, over here in the desert (UAE), it has been a little cooler (highs of 70-80) so my little darlings (I teach at an all girls school) broke out their “winta” wear….fur coats, suede, hats, scarves, gloves, and mittens. Our room was warm and one of the little angels with a fur on says, “hot, its hot miss.” With the sidest eye of them all I replied, “then why you got dat coat on???????”…….I’m with ya’ll in spirit but really glad I’m missing it….
Well, look at it this way:
During the Australian Open just this past couple of weeks, it was closing in on 120 DEGREES.
Either way, it’s all Bush’s fault.
Checking in from Houston, TX. We had winter for three days. They even shut schools down…and they should have!!! We don’t do icy roads or temps below 60. So glad we are back in the 60s TODAY…tomorrow it’s subject to be back in the 30s. :-/ We understand hurricanes, but ice on the ground…NO!!!! Ice belongs in tea!!!!!!
This is crazy but not unusual because the water in the ocean moves the continents. With that said the weather will change from time to time. The interesting part is that it is happening really fast.
Checking in from the sun-kissed island of Jamaica where it’s practically always summer. I don’t even like the AC, so I don’t even want to imagine what y’all are going through. I have a friend in Canada who is just about ready to hop on a plane and come back a yard. I hope mother nature sorts herself out ASAP too, because we’ve had a couple cold fronts down here and we don’t really appreciate it.
the comments on here always give me life.
I’m one of the nutcases that actually likes snow and cold weather, and even moved up North (to NYC)from “Hell-STON”, Texas a couple of years ago just so I COULD experience seasons for a change, but NAWL! I am oooover it (until July, when it gets hotter than the deepest, darkest, dankest level of hell), do you hear me?!
And when I’d first seen this map, I’d thought “HOTH” was an acronym for something and I racked all the corners of my brain trying to figure out WHAT it stood for! SMH.
[…] cruel and unusual treatment. In fact, I was outdone by January 31, and we were only a month in. Winter, you had already acted a fool but we didn’t know how much you’d […]