Happy Thanksgiving! Whose Abomination Turkey is This?
I’m thankful for so much. A transformative year with showers of blessings, awesome friends and family and living and working with passion. I am also thankful for the Cookingforbae for showing me your struggle plates as well as my crappy T-mobile service for delaying the mass “Happy Thanksgiving” texts from phone numbers I don’t recognize.
With that out of the way, can we talk about this turkey that @SynKami dropped in my Twitter timeline? She found a pic of someone’s abomination bird and I had to come in here to roast whoever OVER-ROASTED this turkey.
WHAT IN ALL THAT IS GOOD, EDIBLE AND HOLY IS THIS?!? Why is this turkey looking like a thestral from Harry Potter? Remember them black horses that were only visible to people who had seen death? Who had to die for this turkey to live?!? Luna Lovegood is somewhere giving the tale of how she got to be able to see this bird.
Also, how do you burn a turkey to the point where it looks like the batmobile? I’m expecting Bruce Wayne to come out the thigh and try to save Gotham kitchen. What is WRONG with yall? If you can’t cook, you better order out, go to a friend’s house or just babysit the kids til the grown ups are done. This ain’t e’em right! Folks gotta know their limitations outchea.
That oven’s temperature was set to “TURN DOWN FO WHAT” Degrees Fahrenheit. Just complete fail. I bet the people who came to eat were MAD AS HELL!!!
they set that oven to 'Akon' RT @Luvvie: Why does that turkey look like the batmobile? Who burned that bird like that???
— Kibbles 'n Tits (@such_A_frknlady) November 28, 2013
That turkey is dressed like Martin Lawrence in his “You So Crazy” stand up special. All black leather everything. I bet I could make a bad ass belt from that turkey’s skin. Doggone bird got painted with the same thing Jermaine Jackson uses for his hair. I AIN’T GOT TAHM!!
By the way, have you seen the new dishes on @CookingforBae today? This is like cooking Christmas. Everyone thinks their dish is what’s hot but most of them look like despair, bitterness and denial. Chile:
Whooo, I cannot. So I ask. Whose turkey is this? And why won’t yall stop cooking for bae? Bae is gon get food poisoning from your love in food form. If cooking is not your ministry, stay out the damb kitchen!
That oven’s temperature was set to “TURN DOWN FO WHAT” Degrees Fahrenheit.
I bet if they touch that it will turn to ash .
Lmao just like in the Looney Tunes?! iCant!
I mean it. How else do you char a bird to this point?
It kind of looks like Martha Stewart’s new lacquered turkey recipe. It comes out black like that because of a paste spread on it. Then you peel of the black crust and the skin is golden brown underneath.
“Set to Akon”…the toddler had to console me.
Girl. I’m STILL cracking up at that.
but akon though?? Y’all are foolish for this, but I love it!!
A day later and silent tears. This is what “godforsaken” looks like.
iCAN’T!!!!! All my cans have absolutely given up and moved to Canada. WHYYYYYYY LAWD???! *convulses in laughter on the floor*
I bet that creepy Black Rubber Suit Guy from American Horror Story would love that turkey. Either that or he would be really pissed that someone made that turkey from his suit. I’m so done with that picture, though. LOL!
The Gimp Suit! That’s what I thought of too.
OMG I thought of the same thing. Like why is this bird dressed in a latex suit.
I bet all the innards are still in that mug too.
That turkey is wearing the finest of Memebers’ Only Jackets and y’all are just mad abaaarit!
LMAO!!! Why are you a mess???
Noooooo. I’m out.
That turkey look like Missy Elliot in her “Can’t Stand the Rain” video.
I. DON. DIE! You have killed me. LMAOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Looks like that bird had a fight in a damn tar pit. Po’ lil tink tink.
Ol S & M ass turkey! Fuck is wrong with people??!? ctfu How in the hell did that person not smell a THING while it was in the process of gettin that black?!
The saddest part is is it was probably frozen on the inside.
Exactly! It’s probably pink and raw on the inside.
……….and they had the nerve to put it on a platter, as if presentation can make up for charcoaled turkey.
THIS is wtf I’m REALLY saying. The sheer audacity! To put it on a platter and actually photograph the travesty!
This is truly the Devil’s work.
You know why I started frequenting your site? Because you are the only comic writer I know who regularly references Harry Potter…and I am here for that kinda horcrux love, I say!
Ima need the Grim Reaper to tell his mama to cut it out. This is some b*llish!
That turkey is dressed like a ninja, yo! He said he would be DAMBED if he was gonna be eaten like the rest of dem birds!
Why is that turkey in blackface?
This is a war crime. Ole Dominatrix Sleeps Tonight, Al Jolson’s Revenge, 59th second Presidential pardon by Yaphet Kotto from the crematorium arse turkey. HOW AND WHY DID THIS HAPPEN?!
Wow! You just did the impossible: re-roast the hell out of an already burnt-to-a-crisp roasted turkey! Lol
Looks like the queen from Aliens.
*dead* I couldn’t STOP laughing! Looks like the Green Hornet’s Lincoln! Kind of looks Run DMC’s Tougher than Leather outfits! Remember the episode from Flavor of Love where the one crazy chick stuffed a turkey and put it in the microwave and tried to say she cooked it? It was RAW as h-e-double-hockey-sticks! That’s just crazy!
That turkey is priceless worth more than the Heart of the Ocean, why you ask? Because that big chunk of charcoal is turning into the biggest diamond on earth from all the pressure the geologist/”cook” is putting it under to pretend to be edible.
Cause I mean how else is something like this physically possible.
There it is…..Jermaine Jackson was looking for hair do! KMSL!!!
*for his hair do
I thought it was chocolate…nooooo!
I am truly can deficient about this Knight Rider turkey!!!
Crying real tears over this post and comments.
Imma pour out a 40 in this poor bird’s memory.
It is 2:00am est.
the wife is (was) sleeping soundly in a peaceful food coma.
Until I read this post.
Thanks to you I have been brutally evicted from my bedroom.
“The oven was set to TURN DOWN FOR WHAT.,”
Turn… Down… For… What.
I just lost my ability to can for the next six months. I am “can” deficient. The can account is negative. I owe more cans to myself than I do money to Sally Mae’s ass.
I. Can. Not.
Oh my lord. iCant.
I just can not
UGH, that is disgusting. I looked through the other cooking FAILS and bruh some of them made my stomach turn all the way over. The hilarious thing is people actuallly post these pics and they’re hella proud of it. Dafuq is wrong with yall???
I’m impressed with how uniformly black that bird is. They took some skill….
I’m sitting at the boarding gate at the airport and I busted out with an unexpected guffaw… It created an echo. “Impressed w how uniformly black it is!?”.
Is that Will.I.am from the 2010 VMAs? #allblackerrything
posted this in my tumblr yesterday: let us say a prayer for all the turkeys that sacrificed themselves and became strugglebirds.
you did not die for this type of dishonor, fine gobbler. the odds were never in your favor *district 12 salute*
When I tell you this bird is the lovechild of LeatherFace and Strange’?
I am so tiiiied of lmao @ the twisted thangs they do with food on CFB. Tiiiied. Hotdogs baked into a pan of cornbread! HMPH!
You cain’t TELL ME this bird ain’t draped in Professor Snape’s cape.
lmfaooooooooooo. LMAO. Flat. Lined.
Growing up we would have called this Cajun Style……but I’m thinking they tried to deep fry this, caught the house on fire and this is the picture for the insurance claim.
See…I know my limitations, so this is exactly why I didn’t attempt to roast a turkey this year (or any other year, for that matter)…sitting up there looking like a minature Batman on a plate. SMH.
I’ma really need some assurance that this is actually somebody’s turkey wrapped in some black Hefty bag plastic…because I just cain’t.
As someone else noted in a previous comment, it is Martha Stewart’s “black lacquered turkey” recipe. http://www.marthastewart.com/348453/black-lacquered-turkey
This looks deliberate. It’s too smooth to be just burned. Looks like it was dipped or painted with something.
On the other hand, my friend Ramona made a very burned turkey 2 years ago and we’re still laughing at her!
I hit the floor at thestral. Luna Lovegood dont want to see this.
Voldemort dont even wanna eat this. I AM WEEEEEAAAAAKKKK
This poor turkey was set on #HELL which is not on my oven dial!!!!! I guess they forgot to read the package label that says 325F for a slow roast!!!! I hope there was a backup because I would be so mad with no eats on Thanksgiving. As for cookingforbae, that all looks like slop. It is all about presentation and I can’t even identify anything posted as edible…..#fail to 100th power!!!
That turkey looks like it was cooked with a BLOWTORCH-or by Godzilla
“Oven Set to Akon “…if I was not the only black person sitting at this bar waiting for a damb delayed flight I would BE HOLLARIN !!!
Whenever I attend someone’s Thanksgiving celebration, family or friends, I am always asked to bring ice or napkins. Sometimes paper towels or bottles Coke.
I do not complain. I am comfortable with my limitations.
If ever someone needs boxed mac & cheese or scrambled eggs for their Thanksgiving dinner, I will happily prepare them.
When your turkey goes from Spiderman to Venom