The Disney Princesses Were Younger Than I Thought
As you may know by now, I love Disney movies and I love talking and writing about them (see my posts on Disney Music is Everything and Disney Loves Single Parenthood and Princesses Who Make Piss Poor Decisions). And just because I’m a fan of them doesn’t mean I think they’re perfect. In fact, it’s well-documented that some of their movies are incredibly racist, sexist and have cruel motifs (since they’re based on Grimm’s terrible fairy tales). My love for them defies my own logic, even after knowing this.
I was reading BuzzFeed the other day, and they had a post on how well we know the Disney princesses. I took the quiz and didn’t pass with the flying colors I thought. But one thing that stuck out was finding out how old the princesses were. Look:
So wait. All these princesses were under the age of 20 and they were all obsessed with finding boos and getting married. I know that in the 13th century or whenever some of these were set for, folks used to get hitched younger. But the 2013 me will express my disappointment in each of them.
Ain’t no summer internships under the sea or something, Ariel? You are 16 and you outchea giving up your voice for some legs so some teen boy can be impressed by you. He’s gon be Facebooking your sister tomorrow! Get it together.
Jasmine, how you gon run away with Aladdin? YOU’RE 15! What do you know? How’s he gon take care of you? The streets ain’t fun, even with a magic carpet.
Cinderella, you’re 19 with a size 4.5 foot. Did you bind them? You coulda also left your evil stepmom’s house and got a job somewhere.
Also, those glass slippers look uncomfortable dinnamug.
At 17, Belle fell in love with a Beast because he gave her a library. Ma’am, you must increase your standards. Books are great but you can’t be betrothing yourself to some hairy dude who locked you in a room full of them.
Snow White, you’re 14 and living with 7 short men. NAWL! See why you needed your mama to guide you? Girl…
Pocahontas. Girl, you’re technically an adult at 18. How you gon sell out your people like that? You should know better.
Rapunzel, Rapunzel. Let down your hair and donate some to Locks of Love.
Shoutout to the fact that Princess Tiana was the only one of all of them to have a job, though. Well, Mulan did fight for her country and that was her job. But the rest of them? Nawl. Tiana and Mulan were like “we got stuff to do and be about.” Bless them.
The Disney princesses needed a sassy gay friend and a mentor to set them right.
This explains why they were members of Team Bad Decisions though. Teenagers are foolish. Also, add this to the “ruining my childhood” pile.
Did you know they princesses were this young? Or am I the last one to find out? I bet I’m the last one. It’s ok, doe.