Dear Bristol Palin, Criticizing the President? Girl SHUT UP

I’ve been overdue for a sternly-worded letter, and there’s so much foolery in the world that this one could have been written to a plethora of people who don’t know how to act, or did the most with the least. However, the lucky winner is Bristol Palin. She had the nerve to criticize President Obama‘s support of same-sex marriages, citing his daughters’ acceptance of their friends’ same-sex parents as proof of bad fatherhood.

Let me just get right into it. Because I have words. For many reasons.

Dear Bristol Palin,

I just want you to shut up. All the time. Just be mute. You clearly got the unmitigated gall to be sitting in a homophobic glass house throwing AK-47s of stupidity and I wonder what gave you the confidence.

In all your uneducated glory, you dropped a Facebook note calling out our President Barack Obama, for accepting gay marriage because his daughters do. The Huffington Post printed this excerpt of it:

“While it’s great to listen to your kids’ ideas, there’s also a time when dads simply need to be dads. In this case, it would’ve been helpful for him to explain to Malia and Sasha that while her friends parents are no doubt lovely people, that’s not a reason to change thousands of years of thinking about marriage. Or that – as great as her friends may be – we know that in general kids do better growing up in a mother/father home. Ideally, fathers help shape their kids’ worldview.”

WOMP!!! Oh really, Bristol? There’s no reason to change THOUSAND YEAR OLD THINKING??? Oh. With that same logic, then there’s no reason to change the hundreds of years where it was okay for Black folks to be slaves. And while we’re at it, why do we have the internet? Books were FANTASTIC for so many centuries! We don’t need this voodoo computer magic!

Bristol Palin

Girl SIT DOWN. If your only reason of disagreeing with marriage equality is because it’s been a tradition for so many years, then you’re even dumber than you look. And that’s pretty dumb because you look like you’d think pennies are copper because they were left out in the sun too long.

Furthermore, you talmbout fathers help shape their kids’ worldviews. I’m pretty sure your daddy’s worldview didn’t include you sleeping with Levi, the dumb jock who is now a deadbeat daddy himself. You’re taking this moral high ground that you are honestly the last person who needs to do so. Aren’t you the child who fornicated (since you wanna be all high and mighty) and had a child out of a wedlock? I BELIEVE YOU ARE, BRISTOL!

“Let ye of much sin take a seat in the pew of ignorance and get washed in the nectar of knowledge. Let ye of open legs sat down in chaise of acceptance, lest ye be judged for their fornication.” That should be in the book of YESLAWDIASTES, verse 3, chapter 8. Look it up.

And then she said this (according to TMZ):

“Sometimes dads should lead their family in the right ways of thinking. In this case, it would’ve been nice if the President would’ve been an actual leader and helped shape their thoughts instead of merely reflecting what many teenagers think after one too many episodes of Glee.”

Oh heffa, you are REALLY trying it. Why’d you have to come for Glee??? They ain’t never did nothing but sang bad (and awesome) covers of songs we all love and preach acceptance. DON’T COME FOR GLEE, BRISTOL! Dontchu do it!

Please have ALL of the seats and kindly get off that pedestal you’ve placed yourself on. And under one of the seats will be a “FOOL SADDOWN Gift Basket” waiting for you. It comes with a “Girl shut up” candle set  that smells like lavender, vanilla and judgment.

I really don’t know why folks get so butthurt about gay marriage. Everyone should have the right to be annoyed by the same person forever. Gay people getting a piece of paper will NOT make your light bill go up nor will it add interest to your student loans! But you wouldn’t e’em know what those are because I’m not even sure you graduated from high school. (-__-)

While you and the foolish idiots in the government of North Carolina are so concerned of the sanctity of marriage, folks like Kim Kardashian can get married for 72 days and quit all willy nilly. Meanwhile, Anderson Cooper can’t even marry who he wants (and I know he got options because’s he’s so FAHN) and be recognized in all 50 states. This is why North Carolina is the power bottom of all our jokes, and this is why you need to go re-assess your lifespace.

Obama Hillary Marriage

DASSIT. Pic by Facebook.com/Fairrodger

I’m not here for your thoughts on anything, Bristol. In fact, no one is. Go do what you do best and be a vapid spawn of an equally idiotic woman whose failed life in politics is a running punchline. And while you’re at it, go pick up a couple of books. And not just ones with pictures that pop up in them.

Yours in side-eye,


P.S. Tell your mama that she really needs to stop wearing “bump-its” in her hair. No one does that anymore. Unless you wanna count Peggy Hill from “King of the Hill.”

Real Gs move in silence like Bristol Palin should. (-___-)

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  1. Magi
    May 10, 2012 at 2:34 pm

    *Hollers* Let she who is without baby daddy issues cast the first opinion that no gives a damn about!

    • May 10, 2012 at 2:46 pm

      YES LAWD!

  2. May 10, 2012 at 2:38 pm


  3. Nicole-Lisa
    May 10, 2012 at 2:40 pm

    That was one sternly worded letter! You did it again Luvvie. You had me rolling at “unmitigated gall” sounding all lawyer-ish…lol. She really isn’t in the position to be judging anyone, especially the POTUS and how HE raises HIS kids.

    • May 10, 2012 at 2:46 pm

      I’m saying, doe. Bristol got some nerve.

      • Dave
        May 10, 2012 at 10:57 pm

        Do you speak any English? Are you literate? Have a GED? Just askin’ ……

        Oh yeah, ever try talking to kids who have 2 Moms or 2 Dads and explaining WHY they are so different than 99.9% of the “families” out there. Maybe then you can better understand the word “dysfunctional” and how it applies to many kids who grow up with gay/lesbian parents.

        • May 11, 2012 at 5:45 am

          If you want to talk dysfunction, do you know that there is not one prolific serial killer/ nationally infamous psychopath, or notorious terrorist with homosexual parentage. If you look at the background of these individuals they either come from a home with two hetero parents who may or may not have beat and/or abused them or a home with a single mother. Eileen Wuornos, John Wayne Gacy, Jeffrey Dahmer may have committed crimes while either identifying as gay or against gays, but guess what – IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH GAY PARENTS!!!

          By your logic, I can only assume having HETEROSEXUAL parents will cause dysfunction.

          And where did you get 99.9%? Please, I pray to 6 Lb. 5 oz. Baby Jesus you do your research before you try to come slamming somebody, Dave. I can call you Dave, right?

          BTW – Luvvie is very literate, and if you didn’t realize her writing is a humor tactic. Do not make her bust out her serious side on you. You won’t win.

        • Liryc
          May 11, 2012 at 2:41 pm

          Really.. are you literate? Do you have any sort of schooling?? If your answer is yes to any of those questions then I beg to differ.

          “Family” does not consist of having two parents who are of different sexes. Where does it say that? *looks through encyclopedia under family*

          What about those who are raised by grandmothers or a single parent that isn’t a family? Where did you get your statistics from? Who lied to you? How hard is it to explain something to a child.

          As an educator let me tell you this, your doubt in the amount of understanding that children have is greatly misfuided. Children understand a lot and given the right information they can decide for themselves what they want to accept or not.

          Coming from parent(s) who love you and care for you and treat you right isn’t dysfunction. Actually its whats needed to raise upstanding individuals. Who those parent(s)are or the sex of the parent(s) DOES NOT matter..

        • IfYouEverComeBack
          May 14, 2012 at 12:18 am

          Sir you need to sit down somewhere and shut the hell up! Last time I check Dysfunction does not discriminate by the sex of ones parents. Like Love Dysfunction is one of those things that can affect everyone. being screwed up is based on many things but whether your parents are gay or straight is not one of them.

  4. jnoww
    May 10, 2012 at 2:41 pm

    you need to stop, drop and roll with YESLAWDIASTES!

    • May 10, 2012 at 2:48 pm

      LMAOOOO! I ain’t e’em do nothing.

    • For These Reasons
      May 10, 2012 at 3:39 pm

      *flips through Bible in search of YESLAWDIASTES* Old Testament? New Testament? Implied Testament…? Ok. (Note to the Queen of the Side-Eye: We need more verses from this Book!)
      I loved this. All of it. YAAAASSSSS!!

      • May 10, 2012 at 3:53 pm

        LOL! It’s in the lost edition. Don’t worry. It’ll be in eBook soon. lol Just kidding. Or am I? hehehehe

  5. Sticky-n-Sweet
    May 10, 2012 at 2:45 pm

    According to that Bible you got there, Bristol, we shoulda BEEN stoned yo dumb ass!

    • May 10, 2012 at 3:57 pm

      Pretty much.

  6. QueenBee
    May 10, 2012 at 2:51 pm

    AMEN!!!! Epically Awesome, I Bow Down To You Ma’am!!

    • May 10, 2012 at 3:00 pm


  7. Lalarochelle
    May 10, 2012 at 2:59 pm

    And not to mention, don’t come at TV shows that have a good message when you still can’t get a network to air yours. All the dumbness that you’d want folks to pick up from you…don’t open your mouth when you got Mr.Shitman dancing on your tongue

    • May 10, 2012 at 3:56 pm


  8. Marsha S. Haneiph
    May 10, 2012 at 3:05 pm

    When are these people going to learn that the internet is forever? She must have felt very proud of herself when she posted that. Poor thing.

    • May 10, 2012 at 3:56 pm

      It must have taken her at least 5 hours to form those sentences. I’m sure she’s proud.

      • Dave
        May 10, 2012 at 10:59 pm

        At least she can form a sentence. Maybe you can at least learn something about that and proper grammar.

        • For These Reasons
          May 11, 2012 at 11:10 am

          First of all, Sir —

          What you will not do is come to someone’s home and act disrespectful.

          Second, if you so choose to attack another person’s grammar and sentence structure, I suggest you not perforate your own sentences with dollar signs and numbers like some child (that defeats the purpose of the ridiculous point you were attempting to make in the first place).

          Third, please learn when to take a seat and observe a situation. The author of this particular blog is indeed quite educated, and very capable of forming sentences (as are most who come across the page). However, the language used is for entertainment. Have you ever heard of “dialect”? No? Oh, okay… Have a seat _/ and shut the hell up.

          Last, sir — the issue at hand with Ms. B. Palin is not her stance on gay marriage, but the fact that she feels she’s better than someone else because of it. Love your neighbor — all of your neighbors. That’s in everybody’s book in some shape, fashion, or form. God, Allah, Buddha…didn’t say don’t love your neighbor because your neighbor’s a killer, a whore, or gay.

          Get it together and mosey the hell on off this page.

          Please and Thank you,


        • Dave
          May 12, 2012 at 7:09 am


          Take a look in the mirror if you want to talk about ‘disrespectful’.

          Re-read your post.

          As far as those questioning my education or literacy … I have 3 college degrees.

          You have a right to continue your support for gay marriage just as I have a right to oppose it based on very real reasons. I volunteer with kids. I know some of the issues they face. I am well aware of young kids who are confused as to WHY they have “two mommies” or “two daddies” and WHY they are different than their other classmates.

        • May 12, 2012 at 7:38 am

          Good day to you sir. Your job here is done and your input is no longer needed. Go have a permanent seat OFF my blog. KTHXBAI!

  9. May 10, 2012 at 3:11 pm

    I just keep asking, what part of these people’s lives gets affected by letting gay people get married? Point to ONE body part that gets hurt if gay people are allowed to get married. Show me how many dollars comes out of your bank account if gay people are allowed to get married. Show me!

    • May 10, 2012 at 3:55 pm

      Exactly. EXACTLY!

    • Dave
      May 10, 2012 at 11:17 pm

      what $ ? How about the psychology expenses when the kids go to sessions to “understand” why they have 2 Moms or 2 Dads and are totally different than 99% of the other kids they go to school with.

      • May 11, 2012 at 7:37 am

        Because only kids who come from same sex parent homes will need therapy? News Flash, straight people mess their kids up too. Next argument.

      • IfYouEverComeBack
        May 14, 2012 at 12:22 am

        Sir, lots of people need therapy for different reasons. yes there are kids with two same sex parents that need therapy. However there are also kids with two hetero parents that also need theraphy. So your point is moot.

  10. Nikki
    May 10, 2012 at 3:25 pm

    Oh, Luvvie, how I missed you.

    Ms. Bristol: kindly shut the entirety of hell up.

    And let the geighs get married, I’m going to AWL of the weddings!!

    • May 10, 2012 at 3:55 pm

      Cuz you know the weddings will be a blast! Shoo… let them be great!

  11. Kate
    May 10, 2012 at 3:27 pm

    If Bristol Palin doesn’t like marriage between two people of the same sex, then I recommend she doesn’t marry a woman. I’ll stay out of your gun cabinet if you stay out of my bedroom, unoriginal thought-having heffa.

    • Chanel
      May 10, 2012 at 3:43 pm


    • May 10, 2012 at 3:54 pm

      Basically!!! What’s it got to do w/ her? Not a damb thing.

    • IfYouEverComeBack
      May 14, 2012 at 12:24 am

      Bam! If you don’t like my life then don’t live it.

  12. SemiFabGab
    May 10, 2012 at 3:45 pm

    This has to be the best rant/ sternly worded letter ever. She know better than to try and use her brain when it’s working at full capacity just keeping her from drooling and remembering to blink. This is a product of the Alaskan School System. (Not hating on Alaska, but I’m waiting to be proven wrong.)

    • May 10, 2012 at 3:52 pm

      Iunno WHAT they doing in Alaska but since they’re so far away, they might be more removed from REAL life here in the states.

  13. Chanel
    May 10, 2012 at 3:49 pm

    Bristol Palin is 30 cards short of a full deck and an illigitimate child away from an in tact hymen. Her ring finger is more bare than her catalogue of common sense which means YOU, Bristol, need to take the first seat intentionally left wide open for unwed mothers who earned GEDs by way of Penn Foster.

    Don’t come for my president you trollop.

    • May 10, 2012 at 3:52 pm

      This comment is so awesome I wish it was in my post. LMAOOOOOO!!!!! iLive.

      • May 10, 2012 at 4:39 pm

        Im jus sayin. Got my blood pressure ALL the way up.

    • May 10, 2012 at 4:28 pm


  14. nichole
    May 10, 2012 at 4:15 pm

    *standing ovation*

    I stand by another comment I made earlier today:

    “Maybe instead of commenting on President Obama “simply being a dad,” she should focus her attention on her son’s father being one first.”

    • IfYouEverComeBack
      May 19, 2012 at 1:49 am

      BAM! That abotu sums it up for me.

      • IfYouEverComeBack
        May 19, 2012 at 1:49 am


  15. May 10, 2012 at 4:30 pm

    Luvvie, how I’ve missed you so…this is fabulous covered in a blanket of awesome snark and truths! I love it!!!

  16. naturalista88
    May 10, 2012 at 4:31 pm

    *Lmao* @ you mentioning Sarah & her bump-it hump. I don’t understand why we can’t round up people w/this kind of archaic thinking & send them to some uninhabited island. I already done fount (yes, fount) a place & errthang——-> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rikord_Island
    Let them create whatever arsebackwards society they want, long as they can’t come back here.

    • May 10, 2012 at 5:56 pm

      I was gon build them a Land of Abandoned People but Rikord Island will also suffice.

      • naturalista88
        May 10, 2012 at 6:22 pm

        Pssh, I wouldn’t even let you waste the resources on them dimwits.

  17. May 10, 2012 at 4:34 pm

    Reading this blog at work will get you real familiar with PANK SLIPS!! MAYNE I HAD TO STIFLE A DONKEY BRAY AT The Book of YESLAWDIASITES!!


    • May 10, 2012 at 5:55 pm

      You better learn to cackle silently, LV! LOL

    • vanitaapplebum
      May 15, 2012 at 10:01 am

      *faints* @ Donkey Bray!

  18. May 10, 2012 at 5:23 pm

    I pity her. I really do.

  19. May 10, 2012 at 5:52 pm

    I’m in love with this BLOGSPOT! Luvvie, you’ve got an instant fan. You let that non-factor have it!!!

    I loved reading every second of this and was sad when it was over.

    • May 10, 2012 at 5:56 pm

      *throws my hands in the air and waves em b/c I DO care* \(.__.)/ Welcome to my eCrib! Don’t be a stranger!

  20. sgurdog
    May 10, 2012 at 6:00 pm

    Sluts have no room to talk about anyone’s sexuality.

  21. Michele
    May 10, 2012 at 7:39 pm

    Wonderfully put and hilarious. Thanks!

  22. Sandra
    May 10, 2012 at 8:04 pm

    I’m sitting here in the airport trying to maintain my composure…you let that hefa (staying on her level) have it with both barrels. BTW, what in HELL make s MzGED unwed mother think she can tangle with our President? Newt didn’t want to debate him and I’m sure Mitt is not looking foward to it. That bush league * itch need to stay in her pathetic lane!

  23. T
    May 11, 2012 at 1:51 am

    Luvvie, I am a new fan and must admit your work is keeping me away from finals, girl. I am about ready to jump out of my window with laughter.

    Let the haters hate because this level of cultural awareness and play on language clearly demonstrates your intelligence.

  24. IfYouEverComeBack
    May 11, 2012 at 3:14 am

    First off, wait, Anderosn Cooper is Gay? when did this happen. Just went and Wikied it and he apparently neither confirms or denies this. Doesn’t matter, won’t stop my school crush on him anyway, I just needed a minute to process.

    Anyway, Bristol needs to SHUT THE HELL UP AND SIT DAMN DOWN! This heffa couldn’t be serious. So teaching your kids tolerance and acceptance, is bad parenting now, really? Mam kindly go bleep off somewhere.

    Oh and I nearly died at her talking bout How kids fare better when they are raised in a two parent hetero home. really now? Well you Miss Bristol was raised in a two parent home and your life turned out to be a bad episode/season of 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom, so..

    Oh and I know plenty of single parents who would disagree with her on this, in fact she’s a single parent so mmph.

    Lastly, I didn’t know dysfunctionality discriminated , it embraces everybody regardless of their parent sexual preferences, last time I checked anyway.

    She needs to focus on fixing her White Trasheified life and leave The POTUS and The Gays alone. let them be great.

    iCan’t with her, I need to go smoke a cigarette and WooSa in corner until my blood pressure returns to normal now.

    Sorry for the rant but I am sleep deprived and she pissed me way off!

  25. May 11, 2012 at 12:23 pm

    Well said….almost spilled my lemonade on this one lol. Point Bristol to the nearest corner for a silent timeout.

  26. CJ
    May 17, 2012 at 12:57 pm

    Bristol, shut the fuck up. You need more people.

    I could offer my usual, cogent argument against gay marriage prohibition (tracing the long and sometimes ugly history of marriage, shattering the fallacy that tradition is justification for denying rights to a minority as was done with slavery and voting rights for POC, clearly illustrating the ways in which this country is not a theocracy, and pointing to the myriad studies that show children raised by gay couples grow up to be healthy, happy, productive members of society).

    I could do all that. But Luvvie handled it better than I could, so imma let you finish.

  27. LuckBALady
    May 19, 2012 at 1:11 pm

    “Let ye of much sin take a seat in the pew of ignorance and get washed in the nectar of knowledge. Let ye of open legs sat down in chaise of acceptance, lest ye be judged for their fornication.” That should be in the book of YESLAWDIASTES, verse 3, chapter 8. Look it up.

    I was ready to pass the collection plate and let the choir SANG after this right here. AMEN.

    Does she know where to find her babydaddy to get this month’s child support?

  28. Denise
    October 7, 2012 at 10:55 am

    I am so sad that I did not see this post when it was new!!! I would love to give Dave a dose of my psychology classes…anyone else here think he has such a problem with that because he comes from a household with 2 mommies/daddies? Did you get picked on Davey? I think you did. Yes sir. Your obvious hate of someone else’s home (where you pay NOT A SINGLE power bill) screams that you have been deeply hurt. I don’t understand half of what you said and your statistics sir are just AWFUL. Poor lil tink tink…smh…do you need a hug?

    • Teki
      July 27, 2013 at 3:39 pm


  29. Mike Cummings
    April 14, 2013 at 4:43 pm

    Excuse me. Bristol Palin seems to understand her situation better than you, and it’s very likely she is speaking on her experiences. Bristol, who had photographed, in no way supports slavery. The very idea that there are enough people in America that the constitution wasn’t able to protect “Africans” (from Africa) as “free” certainly supports the biblical belief that man’s heart is evil from birth and a new heart is required to obtain Heaven. The life Jesus gave for us is that life. Bristol knows she needs a male figure around her son who was never given proper protection from a president killing government (JFK, who had a problem with what the CIA was doing with MK-Ultra, making an ultraman. But must this government create a superhero to protect the country by creating the situation that requires a superhero? Don’t start nothin won’t be nothin.) I don’t think that’s what the Obama girls said at all, that queer people deserve to marry, but rest assured homosexual couples will not reproduce by themselves so please can we play nice together? (Platonicly) Bristol is a woman please show some respect to her and Mrs Palin. If Obama can steal elections AND make a godly family look bad at the same time…doesn’t mean he should (while insulting Mrs Palin still, winning isn’t enough?) God help you if you have any idea the lengths these political processes entail. And please don’t pretend to know her marital status even, if it’s just to be cruelly and sickly rude. Joseph protected his fiancee Mary by trusting in something so strangly bizaar and wonderful by staying quiet, as marraiges at those times were like today, under the guise of legal issues make things problematic when people might not want to share the father of her child and don’t want to endanger the child because of a sick government we deal with. And now you can please be quiet.

    • beth
      April 20, 2014 at 7:43 pm

      Mike Cummings–

      Dude–how are your rantings relevant? OH WAIT!! They’re not….go somewhere else with alla that noise!