Famous folksLettersMusic

Dear Common and Drake, No One Cares About Your Beef

I heard that Common and Drake had some rap beef going on, and word on the street is that it’s over Serena Williams. They’ve earned this week’s sternly-worded letter.

Dear Common and Drake,

Hey Lonnie. Hey Aubrey. I wanted to sit you both down to let you know that don’t nobody give a damb about y’alls beef and diss records. Not one person. For real.

Listen, I might could enjoy a rap beef if it was between 2 rappers who were thugs, or who could at least scare a toddler. But you two? Y’all are about as intimidating as a pink lace underskirt, and any beef between you should be squashed. Besides, ain’t y’all vegetarians anyway? Psht.. I don’t know.

I know this is over Serena Williams, a woman who has ran through both of you and clearly isn’t e’em worried about either of you anymore. Why does n’t she just pick each one of you up and throw you at each other for shits & giggles? I really wish she would. Either way, Serena and her donk of glory ain’t thinking bout y’all.

Besides, don’t you have better things to do? Common, you should be somewhere tryna get your cool back. We still haven’t forgotten how Erykah Badu had you walking around in crocheted kufis, cowrie shells and tie-dyed pants. WE AIN’T FORGOT. And Drake, you should be somewhere ironing your forehead and learning a flow that doesn’t sound like a sleepy kitten’s. And you’re still Wheelchair Jimmy to a lot of us. I am pretty damb sure both of you could be working on other things, instead of diss records.

Y’all need to stick to telling us women how amazing we are and pining for our love. I don’t think you’re “soft” but I do wanna cuddle and spoon when I hear both of your music. I’m just saying…

Also, COME ON, COMMON!!! You’re the adult here. You’re pushing 40 and you’re making diss records about a dude who was like 2 when you got in the business. It’s like an 8-grader tryna talk smack to a preschooler. Don’t be that guy. Besides, I need you to get back to the level of awesome you were at when you came out with Like Water for Chocolate. I need another song like Song for Assata from you, not a diss record about a corny Canadian rapper who makes me wanna nap when I see him.

Ennehweighs, I want y’all to squash this. Not because I want you to take some high moral ground but because your beef is boring and there are other things I’d rather spend my time on. Like:

* Watching Tom & Jerry sip tea gingerly on their porch than see that.
* Watching a marathon of a British comedy that isn’t “The Office”
* Memorizing all 32 chapters of “Trapped in the Closet”
* Signing on to MySpace
* Using AOL dialup

No fucks Given

Yes. I would rather do ALL of those than give extra dambs about y’alls raggelly beef. So, I ask that you both please take a couple of seats. And put your feet up. And direct your energy towards writing more rhymes that are white folks safe and conscious. Thank you.

Yours in Fresh Out of GIBBADAMB,

Soooo am I wrong? Do some of you care or do you also want Lonnie and Aubrey to go sit?

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  1. Charlotte
    January 10, 2012 at 12:12 am

    “* Memorizing all 32 chapters of “Trapped in the Closet””


  2. Tainette
    January 10, 2012 at 12:18 am

    “white folks safe” and there it is folks the line to end all lines. lololol

  3. January 10, 2012 at 12:18 am

    Using AOL dialup? IDied!

  4. udee
    January 10, 2012 at 12:26 am

    Lonnie & Aubrey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  5. Krista
    January 10, 2012 at 12:28 am

    There should be a law against rappers over the age of 30 making diss tracks.
    After that age you should have enough knowledge to know that taking time out of your life to write, record and produce a song just to insult another person is immature and ignorant.

  6. Erin
    January 10, 2012 at 12:38 am

    “Look at all the fucks I do not give”…”Lonnie and Aubrey”…”Wheelchair Jimmy”

    SOOOOOOOO many tears!!!!

  7. Jennifer
    January 10, 2012 at 12:45 am

    A sleepy kitten?!?! Well, damn!!

  8. January 10, 2012 at 1:11 am

    Seriously? Common is killing it on AMC’s Hell On Wheels where he plays a bad-a$$ of epic proportions but he’s getting all hot and bothered about Drake? Drake?


  9. Maximillian
    January 10, 2012 at 1:15 am

    Really? You’d rather watch Are You Being Served? than entertain this beef?

    • Stace
      January 10, 2012 at 2:21 pm

      That’s my show!

  10. RoxyWTF
    January 10, 2012 at 1:36 am

    Meanwhile, Serena is chilling on a beach….

  11. January 10, 2012 at 5:54 am

    Luvvie – you have not disappointed me! When I heard about this (I know I am late – I am Rob Base old school. Don’t judge me) I thought why? Didn’t BBD tell ’em never to trust a big butt and a smile?

    It’s like a beef between a toddler and a ‘tween. Common’s ass is too old for this. And I do remember those crochet pants he wore when posing in Essence (I think) with Erykah. Soft squishy-assed ninjas… 😀 Bless their little Emo hearts.

    And thank you for calling out the Shar-pei that is Drake…

    • Capricorn
      January 10, 2012 at 11:44 am

      I cant even with Luvvie. She slays me erry damb tahm.

      • Capricorn
        January 10, 2012 at 11:45 am

        I had to do a double take at the BBD reference.. you aint evah lied, #doe!!! lol..

  12. January 10, 2012 at 5:57 am

    BTW – the Julie Andrews pic is so much more awesome with the quote. Now I will be seeing this. All. Damb. Day.

  13. JR
    January 10, 2012 at 6:40 am

    AOL dialup?…LMAO

  14. January 10, 2012 at 7:10 am

    “And Drake, you should be somewhere ironing your forehead and learning a flow that doesn’t sound like a sleepy kitten’s.”
    I. CAN. NOT! lmaoooooooooooo

  15. January 10, 2012 at 10:02 am

    i always read but rarely comment. This was freaking hilarious.
    I mean Im not concerned but I was suprised the common responded and outright on a track with Drake. that was hilarious to me and although I agree common should have been the bigger person.. he had a lil small amount of thug in it. I mean it was small gangsta going on.
    kind a like the first time your mild mannered man cuts off an advance from a loose dude. unnecessary but.. kinda sexy
    unless he gets beat up.

  16. Kisha S.
    January 10, 2012 at 2:59 pm

    Shoot, I’m glad you wrote this. I honestly thought I was the only one besides my husband who thought their beef was TIRED. When I heard Common’s Sweet unedited, I KNEW he was talking about Drake. All I could think about was “Why, Common? Was Serena’s snapback that good?????!!” I was hoping that Drake wouldn’t respond…..*drops head*…..but he did. I don’t have the energy to follow their pointless beef. Do they even have the same fan base? Who is going to listen? I just want them both to stay in their lanes, and keep making music I like.

  17. January 10, 2012 at 5:34 pm

    WOW this right here is all that and so much more. You are too funny. I am dying right about now, get me on a respirator quick.

    “Y’all are about as intimidating as a pink lace underskirt, and any beef between you should be squashed. Besides, ain’t y’all vegetarians anyway? Psht.. I don’t know.”


  18. mymorex09
    January 13, 2012 at 2:05 am

    Have you seen this?

    iCant. They shoulda never gave niccas photoshop and iMovie. Just….*dead*

    Com is my boy, and he went in on that diss, but with news of Aubrey rolling up outside of the tattoo artist’s shop (that did that forehead tat on ol’ girl) and sending his bodyguard in, I think he needs to chill. Hell, that’s like Beyonce dissing Keri Hilson. Why bother?

  19. Gee
    September 22, 2012 at 1:08 pm

    This is my absolute favorite picture. When life starts getting on my nerves, I imagine that I am Jules on top of that mountain, whirling my arms and thinking about the sh%t I could care LESS about! You rocked this out for life!