Damp Sweater, Dry Heart: Mario Winans Doesn’t Wanna Know

The mid 90s were a boon to emotional, vulnerable ass ninjas who loved to croon mediocre R&B ballads. But only one emo dude earns the title for Douchiest. Video. Ever. Behold, Mario Winans’ “I Don’t Wanna Know” with real-time commentary from me and Kindred.

Luvvie: as he serenades himself with backlight. ANGST game is proper ALREADY lmaooo

Kindred: see? I knew Bad Boy was up to no good

Luvvie: why is he bent over the piano??

Kindred: he is in PAIN

Luvvie: assessing his life. lmao why did the beat start and I’m twurkin in my chair? for such a sad song, the beat is TIGHT

Kindred: every time this comes on, i think it’s the Fugees, as does the rest of America

Luvvie: OW OWWWWWW! see them make out in B&W

Kindred: classyyyy

Luvvie: lmaooooo! why is he sitting among trash?

Kindred: cause that’s how he FEELS, his heart in the GUTTAH

Luvvie: NOT IN THE TUB!!!! *faints* fully clothed!!!

Kindred: YES. I told you but there’s nothing like the experience

Luvvie: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. OMG they dont do angst like THIS no more

Kindred: they don’t! he ruined it for everybody. and for his sweater

Luvvie: on that twin size bed he sittin on – what is this?? a dorm?

Kindred: that’s why she left him

Luvvie: XL sheets face ass. hahaha he watching movies on a projector as he reminisce

Kindred: expensive ass projector but he can’t afford a queen bed?! *gasp* DIDDY!

Luvvie: lmao at the chick rocking lingerie and a bucket hat. where’s her short set?

Kindred: look at his superior acting skills. this video is full of bad decisions

Luvvie: that video is angsty as shit!!!

Kindred: how did he get a dry sweater?

Luvvie: bad decisions, bad acting. this GROWN man dipped himself in a tub fully-clothed and crying

Kindred: lmao he hugged the projector screen

Luvvie: H20 aint the answer to his problems

Kindred: look at all them tapes he got. this can’t be healthy

Luvvie: yes! he had CASSETTES

Kindred: see? that’s why she left. his priorities effed up

Luvvie: she left him cuz he sits in tubs weeping bout lost loves

Kindred: little bed, big tapes

Luvvie: *Dead* not lil bed, big tapes! And Diddy’s slack-jawed ass had to make an appearance. muthafucka for what?

Kindred: YES he did. This is a Bad Boy movie that’s why

Luvvie: LAWD! and of course I aint gon start on the lyrics of said song. dont e’en get me BEGUN!!! the beesh IS playing you and you clearly found out but sittin amongst garbage and wading in a tub pool aint gon bring her back. you may wanna upgrade your life and get a bigger bed

Kindred: he could buy that big dumb @ss screen but couldn’t find a pair of balls

Luvvie: he could buy that big ass projector but he sleepin on a dorm bed. iCan’t.

Kindred: california KANG. that’s what he needs to do an appropriate bed slide. i mean seriously tho, where was he sitting with all that garbage? GETCHO BIG children under the stairs face ass

Luvvie: LMAO “sometimes i feel like a motherless child” face

Kindred: “life ain’t been no crystal stair” face

Luvvie: boooooooooooo throws tomatoes at mario

Kindred: get off the staggggeeee. where’s RILEY?

Luvvie: *channels and quotes Riley Freeman from the Boondocks* “NICCA YOU GAY!!! ur woman left you for a sexy flexy ass nigga. now you crying like a BITCH”***

Kindred: “i mean, he wasn’t een no real nigga, like TI”


Kindred: lmao i’m sayin tho – you seint him in that tub, right? cause that video has haunted me for damn near a decade

Luvvie: drowning in angst, failure & broken heart

Kindred: but he couldn’t do that naked tho? maybe it’s cause he a Winans – too secular for Jesah

Luvvie: true story. he aint expose no male nipplage either. he kept it pg-16.5. the winans STAN for the LAWD

Kindred: mmhmm Bebe and Cece woulda whupped his @ss

[End scene]

Can you think of any other videos that can match the level of estrogen and raw emotion shown in this clip? Did we miss anything in the commentary? Has Diddy ever fully closed his mouth? We need answers.

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  1. Constance
    December 15, 2010 at 9:05 am

    LMAO @”Has Diddy ever fully closed his mouth?” That joke just kinda snuck up on me. I wasn’t ready to laugh that hard. But that’s a good question doe.

    • December 15, 2010 at 9:26 pm

      Let us know if you find an answer to our question

  2. December 15, 2010 at 9:10 am

    “Has Diddy ever fully closed his mouth?” No. No he has not. And sadly he passed along that gene to one of his sons. Tragic.

    True story, this song came on my Pandora just yesterday and I had to marvel at how BAD it is. Really fool, you don’t wanna know if your girl is creeping? You’d rather wallow in your tub of pity and tiny ass bed? Oh. Okay. And alllll them tapes? Borderline stalker. I think when it comes to angst ridden R&B, this song is in a league of its own.

    • December 15, 2010 at 9:26 pm

      Yeah the song is full of FAILING logic. But it beats hard though lol

  3. Kay
    December 15, 2010 at 10:31 am

    Oh God!! I forget this song had even existed….Thank a lot Luuvie, for reminding me, ‘preciate it! *rolls eyes and sucks teef* His ‘old fake ass LL Cool J looking ass….Why was is apartment so damn empty…she left cause she got tired of having only one place to sit….

    • Stacy
      December 17, 2010 at 2:19 pm

      WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY?! I just got back from lunch and laughed so hard at this some of my lunch came back…One place to sit….LOOLLL

  4. juicyjui
    December 15, 2010 at 12:38 pm

    You are so wrong for this. I used to lightweight like this song. Now every time I hear it I’m going to think about him crying in a tub.

    Between this and the Usher video I’m done w/the internet.

    • December 15, 2010 at 9:15 pm

      LMAOOO!!! Are you talmbout the vidjo of Usher getting kicked in the face by a fan? LMAO!

  5. December 15, 2010 at 8:41 pm

    I personally feel that Sean John is physically incapable of closing his mouth. I’m just happy that this affliction has only struck one of the offspring so fr, po’ lil tink tink. And…I still like this song.

    • December 15, 2010 at 9:15 pm

      I like the song too but there’s a bit of b*tchassness behind it. Talmbout he’ont wanna know.

  6. likeramona
    December 15, 2010 at 9:02 pm

    yawl iz ignant as hell! this kilt me –> maybe it’s cause he a Winans – too secular for Jesah

    • December 15, 2010 at 9:14 pm

      LOL! He IS!

  7. Realiti
    December 16, 2010 at 11:40 am

    i.quit.u!!! OMG, I’m about to get kicked out the office laughing at yall…I’mma be hunted by this fool submerged in a tub with that lil ass sweater and PICTURES floating…was he bout to kill himself? And the vidjos…a WHOLE drawer of VCR CASSETTE TAPES?! STALKER!!! Why?! Why?! Why did you introduce this to my life?!

  8. December 16, 2010 at 1:15 pm

    Lawd, we have to do this again. I have a handful of nominees in my back pocket.

  9. adwoa
    December 16, 2010 at 11:23 pm

    i nearly just died – but what did you expect from a thug who stole his beat from ENYA??

  10. December 29, 2010 at 11:31 am

    Luvvie…2 words 80’s chico debarge!!!!