Black Velvet Napoleon Failed
First of all, I partied 3 days out of the 4-day weekend. I was kicking it like it was college or something. And I paid for it by being in a faux coma on Sunday. My body was like “Homie, I’m not sure who you THANK you are but ummm, you got me messed up!” I was just all typed of tah’d. I had fun though. But trust and believe that most nights, I’ll be indoors now. It’s cold outside, so I need to be indoors
cuddling doing work and drinking hot cocoa. Anywho…
Lemme tell you all a story of what happened to me last week. So I went to a part one of my fave DJs was throwing the night of Thanksgiving. In true ME fashion, I showed up late. But it was a good shindig. I LOVE me some Nigerian music! And Dee Money’s the dopest with it. And I ran into a couple of folks who said they knew it was me because of the boots I had on:
When the party ended, I’m was standing around tryna figure out my next move. Go home, or head to a friend’s crib for a get-together that was still happening. Decisions, decisions. I was minding my own business (as I always do O___o) when some short dude in a velvet blazer approached me. Short, as in MY height (I’m 5’4). And velvet, as in crushed. He also had on a shirt and tie. At a party. Sir…
Anywho… he walks up to me and goes “Are you Nigerian?” And I thought “NAW IJOT! I was just in the party dancing to and singing Naija music for the last 2 hours.
Me: Yes I am.
Him: Well I’m from ATL.
Me: Good for you. *looks back at Blackberry*
Him: You from Chicago?
Him: What part of the city you from?
Him: I’m staying in Aurora during my visit.
Me: *blank stare* O__O *looks back down at vibrating phone*
Him: So what are you doing after this?
Me: Headed to a friend’s crib.
At this point, I was just giving him blank stare and wondering what his point was. So he goes “Why don’t you come to my suite?”
NEGROWHAT? DID THIS NAPOLEON COMPLEX HAVING ASSWAD JUST ASK ME TO COME TO HIS GAHTDAMB SUITE???? My head was ringing with all these snarky response. So I looked at him like I was studying him because he is CLEARLY some experiment gone wrong. So I calmly asked “Why would I do that?”
Him: Because it’ll be sweet in my suite. We’ll have fun.
SWEET IN YOUR SUITE??? Who the hell wrote you that janky ass line? SIR…
And I was just PERPLEXED like HOL’ UP WAYMENT! Do I look hoeish??? I had on skinny jeans, those boots, and a three-quarter sleeve henley with a vest over it. AND my jacket. So I KNOW I wasn’t throwing Ho vibes at dude. I was confuzzled.
So then… after I ice-grill him to death, I go “No thanks” and walk away. He walks after me and goes… (get ready to get TRULY murked)
Are you ready for instant murkdom? Aight…
“If you from Africa, then you used to the bush. So my suite should be really nice to you.”
LAWDHAMERCYONMYSOUL JESUSBEAFENCE AIJUSWANACUSS LAWDHOLDMYMULE SOMEBODYGETMYJAILMONEY NOTHISBITCHDIDNT
DID THIS SHORT BASTARD AND CLASSLESS WONDER JUST TELL ME I’M USED TO THE BUSH BECAUSE I’M AFRICAN???? I had 2 choices… I could cuss his WHOLLLLLLEEEE ENTIRE LIFE OUT and lose all sorts of couth and possibly try to fight him (he was 5’4. I could take him). OR…I could walk away and keep my blood pressure down a little bit.
I wanted to be like “FUCKER, I had a damb maid and driver in Nigeria. I’ll buy your whole fucking person and use you as my houseboy.” This bitch had the unmitigated GALL to talk to a WHOLE me like I was some hoodrat on the street to be swayed by a hotel suite.
I turned around, looked at him and said “BITCH PLEASE!” and walked away. That was the only thing I thought was best because if I had started, it woulda been an EPIC ass cussout. And I might have lost my temper ALLLLLL the way and tried to fight him. I was just OUTDONE! I had to walk away from that. Had I not, I’da been the chick who clawed out some dude’s eyes. That was gon be ugly.
5 minutes later, he walks to me and goes “I apologize for what I said. You should come party with me though.” I wanted stab him in the heart. Like literally stab his right ventricle and twist it. Instead, I looked at him with felony in my eyes.
Chile… iCANNOT! My blood pressha was skyhigh!
I forgot to tell you the part where I said “I don’t even know you.” Him: I’m Thomas *forgot his last name*. Look me up on Facebook.” O__O This IJOT wanted me to VERIFY his life by searching his FB??? He got life ALL the way f*cked up. Full circle no full stop.
Oh AND the part where he goes “My suite is in Aurora. I can show you the nice suburbs.” NEGRO, ain’t sh*t in aurora but an outlet mall. Go HAVE SEVERAL seats!!! Word to Miss Jia.
And he went “And you going to a friend’s crib? I bet he a broke ass n*gga.” I shoulda kicked him in the balls. I had on boots too! SHOULDA! I’da kicked him so hard his balls woulda retracted and turned into a clit.
That was vulgar. Sorry.
After I walked away, I was like you know what? I know why he did that. It’s actually WORKED before. Some chick fell for those lines. He’s done that before and some poor unfortunate soul actually WENT with him. LADIES, I lowkey blame us for Black Napoleon approaching me like that. If someone hadn’t fallen for this crap before…
Fellas, next time you want to approach some chick to proposition her to come to your hotel room, ASK HER NAME FIRST! Also, if you’re 5’4, mediocre-looking and wearing a velvet blazer, know that your chances of having your proposition accepted are nil to none.
AND if you insult her heritage on some ignorant shit and offend her sensibilities, you just might get a kick in the balls if she wasn’t so cold. And didn’t have shit to do besides go to court for assault.
PLUS if her name is Luvvie, she will be finding your picture on Facebook asaptually, and putting you on blast for the world to see on her blog.
Sidenote: Yes, I’m actually looking for his pic. There were photographers at the event. I betchu it’ll be posted on the Facebook soon. Stay tuned. I WILL find him.
I just want to give him a “FOOL SADDOWN” Gift Basket with a “BITCH, YOU GOT SOME NERVE” aftershave cream thrown in because I’m nice like that.
So yes, that’s my story. Y’all know when I have those, they’re usually rant-worthy. Questions, concerns, feedback? lol
Update: One of my readers emailed me. Turns out that her husband was the photographer for the party! He might have a picture of Black velvet Napoleon! I asked her to search for a picture of a leprechaun in velvet. OMGGGG!!! What are the odds??? I’m over here CRACKING UP! The power of the interwebs. #Shourrout to you and you hubby, Feyi!
Update #2: I still have yet to find a pic of this fool. I won’t stop though. The world is small. I feel like one day, I’ma stumble on his Facebook profile. When I do… IT. IS. ON.