LetterVideos

Dear YouTube, You are the Enabler of Unproductivity

This weeks letter isn’t that stern but it must be said. YouTube is tryna ruin me. And excuse me for the link whoredom in today’s post.

Dear YouTube,

iHate that iLove you. Like for real. There is a reason why most of the time, when folks send me a link from you, I say “No, iCant.” But in the past couple of weeks, my defense has been weak. My mind has been weary and I’ve actually been watching these videos. Tube of You, I’m upset. Because errtime I click on these links, nothing but foolery meets me. Foolery that results in me cackling so hard that I start to cough.

Other times, I’ve made the mistake of watching while drinking something. My keyboard may be permanently sticky from all the liquid I have inadvertently spit out on it. Then there was the time I actually CHOKED on my food after a combination of watching. My chest burned for 10 minutes and my nostrils hurt. I was afraid I may have had to do the heimlich on myself. Then iQuit my eSis ZeeBaby for sending it to me and didn’t speak with her for 10 minutes on GChat.

Then there was the time when I was having lunch in my office and decided to watch Scarlet’s tumble. I laughed so hard that my voice echoed all through everyone else’s office and I had to stifle myself by biting on my elbow. It was a mess. YouTube, you’re trying to make me lose my friends AND my job. It’s a recession. I can’t afford that.

YouTube, methinks you are the gateway to the pits of Mama Tina’s Showroom Hades (Word to sequins). Why can’t you ever have something sensible for me? Instead, I’ve had to endure “Miss Honey” (donchuhearmecallingyou), Scarlet’s Tumble (that table went out like a G!), and the Breakfast Song (who eats po’k chops before 5pm???). My vocal chords hurt because CLEARLY they’ve been Drop kicked through the goalposts of life.

Then came the piece de resistance. I was on Twitter when my newest Blog Bestie TweetmeBlack decided she wanted to share a link with me since me and NaturallyAlise forever got some Hellen Keller jokes (yes we are aware that we are doomed to the pits of Dereon Hades, where the 3-headed dogs will meet us while rocking crooked lacefront hairhats). When I watched the link, I laughed so hard that I think I pulled a side muscle. iDied AT LEAST 5 times and made a final will and testament that requested that folks rock dereon housecoats with matching sequined slippers to my funegro. THIS VIDEO is the reason why I needed this demand. Let’s just say that she is one committed Helen Keller.

I’m a thug and I pride myself in not crying easily, but I’ve WEPT laughing at some of the things I’ve watched. Tears fell from my eyes many a times, and I had to get some tissue. YouTube, you gon have people questioning my gangster and I’ont appreciate that. Jeebs be some quarantine from YouTube for me.Faithfully yours (against my will),

LuvDove

P.S. If you guys watch any of the videos I linked to this, please don’t blame me for any effects. Seriously. I linked them (instead of embedded) because I don’t want videos to clutter up my Awesome(ly) blog. Enjoy! And let me know your reactions to them.

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3 Comments

  1. The Pretty Brown Girl
    June 19, 2009 at 10:55 am

    I'm convinced that the YouTube headquarters are located on the South End of Hades. Satan himself keeps his main offices on the 13th floor there!!!

  2. Lite Bread
    June 19, 2009 at 11:56 am

    Yer High Awesomelyness,
    THIS is why Utube is the Devil …
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JQjmZBupQUA
    (Federal Disclaimer. This may be perceived as Offensive. That’s NOT intended. Though, in a way, this IS offensive. But that’s way too deep for IG stuff …we want Fun & Foolery here …)

    Enjoy the weekend! Make ‘em laugh ‘til they wet their britches.

    I’d e-Stalk ya there, but they revoked my “Bloggin’ While Brown” membership when, well, the shoe polish smeared in the rain (and that didn’t help out with the girl I was wit either. But … that’s Another Story) and they didn’t buy my “One Drop Rule” excuse (really, there Must be one drop in there Somewhere!).

    And I got a brain fart and had an “Idea”; KindredSmile “outted” you on – ‘iCan’t ride a bike’ … so … I bought a tandem one! A very nice Santana custom one. Soooooo, we go ride! You get yer workout, ya get to wear cool multi-color cycling gear and no leg itch!
    I’ll meet you down at Grand Crossing Park, north side (that’s the side the pools on, if you don’t know directions either. Girls and Directions … THAT’S an’ IG topic, if ever there was one, lol).

  3. ghettoprincess
    June 20, 2009 at 9:57 pm

    I just don't understand why nobody in Helen Keller's audience laughed. Such self discipline.