Petty Prayers You Might Need One Day
There are times when people make you so mad that you just want to wish bad things on them. But not really bad things like cancer because that would be evil and your name is not Voldemort. I’m talking about the petty things that will grind their gears and annoy them to no end.
You know the person who cuts you off in traffic and then laughs at you for it? Or anyone you encounter during a late night run to WalMart. Or the New Yorkers who refuse to give up their subway seats for pregnant women. Sometimes, you just want to pray to Jesus’ petty assistant archangel to bring some annoyances into their days.
May you get a papercut and not be able to find the exact location.
May your chicken be tender but flavorless.
May you go to your favorite restaurant and find out they only have kale salad left.
May you open a pack of Starbursts and see nothing but yellow starbursts left.
May your NetFlix stream stop and refuse to load right before the cliffhanger of your favorite TV show.
May you go get your brows done and they leave you looking like a chola. ^__^
Below are some of the ones suggested by my Awesomely Luvvie fan page
May you lose your keys in a ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese’s.
May you spill red wine on your linen suit at the last all white party of the season. Nay. May you spill the red wine at the FIRST all white party so he ain’t got an #alphet for the others.
May you make a stack of pancakes and find out you ran out of syrup – TJ
May you wake up in the middle of the night having to pee, but be so half sleep that you don’t pull your draws all the way down, so you piss on your elastic band, startling yourself thus snapping the band back in such a way where your penis faces upward forcing your urine stream to hit him in the face. And a little lands in your mouth. And he’s diabetic. – DP
*Luvvie’s note: WELL DAMB!
May Wendy Williams make your biopic. – TL
May you be flicking thru channels and the remote batteries die on the Lifetime channel while the Aaliyah movie is playing. – TJ
May your barberbe slightly cross eyed and your edge up all the way effed up – JM
May your window get stuck when someone silent farts in the car and then you cough. – SW
May you lose a tooth in public like Momma Dee – AA
May your shoes always swallow your socks. – LD
May you trust a wayward fart and shamelessly shit your pants in church. – ED
May you step on a Lego and fall into a dried out Christmas tree with old school hot lights. – TJ
May your teeth TURN inward like vertical blinds OK bye – TO
May you eat a Taco Bell smothered burrito and not be anywhere near a toilet OR a 15-minute break! – BW
May your stall never have toilet paper. – JH
May the deep part of the crack of your ass start itching ferociously while taking passengers through the drive thru of white castle LOL yall know it take white castle forever for your order…. – PP
May your nose hairs and mustache grow in reverse directions and become entangled and matted. – TC
May your traffic lights always be red… – NP
May you suffer the wrath of Rush Hour traffic with a side of Blue Line delays, and a cup of DMV waiting room sorrow. – VW
May the next time it rains real hard here in chicago your windshield wipers die and you’re stuck during rush hour between the dan ryan and the stevenson – PP
May you spill your last few bites of jollof rice all over the floor – AB
May you be driving with the window open and get hit by doggie slobber from the neighbouring car. – JG
May you be bit in the ass by a goat. – TO
May your fries and nuggets be ever cold! – JE
May the fleas of a hundred dogs hold a festival in your beard. May you have the headache of the morning after without benefit of the night before. May your condom be the playground of a thousand crabs. – KH
*** Luvvie’s note: WELL GAHTDAMB!
May Vicks VapoRub find his swimming suit parts and burn like 1,000 suns that 1,000,000 windows rolled down in a speeding car on LSD in 35 degree + plus windchill Chicago weather cannot cool. – SL
May you get a canker sore and eat something with a lot of citrus or better yet May you get 1,000 paper cuts and dip his finger in lime juice. – LV
Yall are the WORST. And this is why we go together. We’re all clearly active members of Team Petty As Hell Frasority Incorporated. And you need this shirt. Click on it to buy.
Feel free to add more in the comments section. Also read: Because you need 75 new ways to say “Fix It, Jesus.”
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108 Comments
I found this one on the net and have it posted in my cube:
“May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch”
I was going to add this one too, it is my fav lol!
The favorite I ever saw was on a golden girls episode and someone said to Sophia ‘May your marinara never cling to your pasta’
I’d like to contribute:
– may you get mosquito bites in between your toes!
– may every table you sit at have uneven legs.
– may you always hit “reply all” on every email you send.
OMG!! Those are absolutely horrid!!! Lmbo
WHERE the hell was I when this was going on?!?! LOL
May your flat iron always be too hot and your curling iron always be too cold.
May you step on a ketchup packet wearing white linen pants and open toe shoes.
May your phone always be on silent when you misplace it.
May your screen freeze when you’re trying to hang up a call.
May your wireless router ALWAYS need to be reset.
May your caps lock key get stuck and people always think your emails are angry.
May you drop your coffee as SOON as you walk into the office.
May you always get to church when the angry head usher JUST closed the door, and you have to wait until after praise and worship to get in.
I need to work on myself, I know. #Petty
Yassss! So petty and I am here for every second of it! Got my life today!
Not the caps lock! I am hollering!! Lmao!
i have actually dropped my coffee directly in front of me while turning to add sugar and cream. It shot up my leg, spilled everywhere! And I work in a call center! #WORSTDAYEVER And now I wonder did one my “haters” secretly pray that petty shit!
Completely done at “May you always get to church when the angry head usher JUST closed the door, and you have to wait until after praise and worship to get in.” Makes you want to lose your religion inside of the church.
May your children ever need to eat, poop, or sleep the instant before you absolutely must leave your home.
Now that’s just downright cruel! LOL ROTF ????????????????
I’m not one to wish ill on anyone, but next time you trip or stub your toe I hope I’m the first thing on your mind.
My your wireless mouse be so poorly calibrated that the cursor always shows up 4 characters from where you want it to be.
May your pencils always sharpen unevenly.
May you reach home with the one remaining ingredient you needed for dinner, only to find the container has been previously opened.
Damn homie!
May you live to be 100 and have a toothache everyday.
Peh … TEE! (I’m here for every nanosecond of it!!!)
… and may your Anbesol/OraJel be Vicks vaporub!
May your AC break in the middle of a heat wave & it’s impossible to fix because you’re broke.
May you have a never ending heat rash during it.
May your child have a growth spurt a month after school starts thus growing out of all their back to school clothes.
May your hairdresser have a seizure in the middle of your haircut.
Well damn! You win.
I almost cried with the clothes, you hurt me deeply. I think ive been cursed.
You hurt me with the clothes one. Happens to me every year after Christmas!
The hairdresser having a seizure!!!!! I love it!!!
May you get a boil on your butt and have to sit for an 8 hr professional development conference – yeah, I’m that petty too
I have cried this day!!
May you get a splinter in the one of the brown lines in the palm of your hand and never be able to extract it.
May the bottom of your feet itch and scale with the fungus of a thousand athlete’s feet.
May you forever have popcorn hulls in the back of your teeth without the benefit of a toothpick.
And as a ode to MsJoey_Nicole…
May your 3 yr. old always have to pee “real bad” the minute you sit down to poop.
I have no business being this petty either.
PRICELESS! P.S.I have 1st time mommy petty issues LOL
May you get a splinter that you cannot find. May you have a papercut that you do not realize is there until you go to wash your hands. May you bite your tongue every time you eat a chicken wing. May the milk in your cereal always be sour…
May you develop arthritis in both hands and chronic crotch itch at the same damn time!
May your crotch be infested with a thousand sandflies and your arms too short to scratch. (not mine but I so LOVE that one)
May your #peen always show up late for work and your #love pocket have the dryness of a thousand deserts.
In pettiness and not righteousness I pray…Amen
To the folk who won’t hold elevators:
May every elevator you step on spontaneously change its mind and send you in the opposite direction you are traveling.
To the folk who switch lanes at the last minute to avoid bumper to bumper traffic:
May every car you jump behind ride their brakes for 12miles.
From an episode of The Golden Girls, with an argument between Sophia and her Italian sister:
1. May you put your dentures in upside down and chew your head off!
2. May your legs grow old and gnarled and withered like an olive branch.
3. May your moles grow hair thicker than Jerry Vale’s!
4. May your marinara sauce never cling to your pasta!
Omg!
“May you put your dentures in upside down and chew your head off!”
Hubby was about to call the doctor, the paramedics, the fire department, and the funny farm on me for how hard I was laughing at that!
May your hairstylist take you to the bowl to rinse out your relaxer and no water runs out of the faucet.
You win for this one.
After you took micros out the night before. In pettiness I pray.
DAMN! Now thats just evil right there! LMAO
May every cigarette butt you throw on the ground bounce back up and burn a hole in the front of your shirt. May that car ashtray you just emptied on the ground blow upward and coat the entire inside of your car with ash.
????????????????
May you forever forget your wifi password or the password of the neighbor you’ve been stealing it from for the past 4 years. Better yet… May your neighbors change it to “witchostealingass” for good measure
May your Locs forever hold lint and you run outta Shea butter for life!
May your heels stay ashy and cracked and all your shoes be mules for good measure
I’m DONE!!!!
I can’t believe I missed this! I always have a petty prayer or wish ready.
May you get diarrhea as soon as you step out of the shower.
May your nail polish still be wet when you have to poop.
May your ankles give out when you try to stunt in some shoes.
May the sky bust it wide open right after a hair appointment and you have nothing to cover you.
May an adorable child give you germ-filled hugs or kisses right days before you have a big date or plan to party.
I must have been absent from FB on this day. Here we go:
May your condoms always have holes…even the ones you bought at the store 10 minutes ago.
May your Kindle develop a glitch that erases your entire library every week. On random days.
May you move in next door to a Justin Beiber fan who loves it LOUD.
May you always be friend zoned, no matter what your gender is.
May you watch your soul mate marry a douchebag.
P-E-TT-Y, I ain’t got no alibi, I’m petty.
This has made me cry this morning! I mean I have running tears in my eyes right now as I type. I never knew I was petty, but these prayers have touched the upper left quadrant of my spirit and truly blessed me today!
Can I get an AMEN!!! Lol
I am so sorry I missed this. *takes notes*
May your hymen grow back every single morning and your man get more endowed everyday.
May every single blood test you take in life be inconclusive!
May your pinky toe catch every single corner!
May it rain immediately after every silk press you get.
May the flash catch all the lint on your clothes on every selfie.
Not the only toe lol that’s the worse pain ever!!
Well damb. All hai Queen Priestess of Petty. The hymen plus bigger every day. Gotta file that one
I’m here for the pettiness!
May you get razor bumps no matter where you shave.
May you get water in your ears everytime you shower.
May your spouse’s cooking give you diarrhea.
May you color your eyebrows and they fall out.
May you pencil in your eyebrows and it runs down your face. And you remain blissfully unaware until you get home later that night.
May you have to poop after chopping scotch bonnet peppers.
Petty? Did someone call me?
I have a few in my pocket:
May you always forget what you wanted to say.
May your phone you thought you silenced always ring during important meetings.
May every person you want to have secksy time with have a headache.
Amen. And, Amen.
LOL this whole post had me laughing. Reminds me of Childish Gambino’s verse on the song “Baby Blue,” which is essentially a series of petty prayers… “I hope your T*tt*es get saggy in your early 20’s…” “I hope you win the lotto and lose your ticket” LOL
Ahhhhh-Lady
Can’t sleep so I’ll try:
May every time you get your hair smoothed up for a great bun your holder pops.
May the dvr not sync up with the tv schedule and miss your entire weeks lineup
May you go on a first date and have huge piece of food in your teeth that you cannot feel.
May you be stuck with meal prepped potted meat sandwiches & a glass of flat grape Faygo for the rest of your life…
Now that’s cold…
How did I miss this on FB? I say some petty prayers on the regular so, let’s do this:
May you itch in a place where you cannot possibly scratch (like your intestines).
May your curls be eternally dry and shameful.
May your selfies look like you are forever drunk.
May a bolder strain of syphilis find it’s way to that one person you’ve been trying to go with right as they decide to go with you.
May your lettuce always have remaining feces upon it.
May you never lose weight when you get struck with salmonella.
That’s it for now… #teampetty
May your shower cap be indefinitely porous…right after your press and curl…especially on your wedding day.
May your T-zone be irreparably oily…only in pictures on FB when otherwise you think you look cute.
May your double bunion cost you that promotíon.
May your garbage company refuse you service for no apparent reason.
May your tax return be post dated on April 16 indefinitely.
I could go on and on…Iota Psi Petty Spring ’15 inaugural line.
May you go #2 and run out of baby wipes and toilet paper mid-poo.
May every time you look in the mirror you see C-Lo Green in that black leather diaper alphet as your reflection.
May you wash and dry your electronic car key, drivers license, bus pass AND your last dollar…on the day you have a job interview.
Ouch lolol!!!!! #shadygrove lolol
May your Rice Crispies forever be silent and your milk chunky.
May your hair line recede like LeBron’s- only starting at the neck.
May you look like Cornel West when your head scarf comes off in the middle of the night.
May your barber sneeze while cutting your front hairline.
May your headphones always have a short and you have to twist it until you get sound, but when you move a centimeter they go out.
May you always be gassy during job interviews.
May all your nails break and rip your nail beds while typing a 40-page thesis that’s due in two hours.
May you have a booger the size of NY in the front of your nostril on the day you meet Idris Elba.
May your car always remain on “E” so you never know when it will give out.
May your buttons pop when you sneeze or cough
May you forever have a muffin top no matter how many crutches and carbs you cut out
Hi, my name is Kim and I’m extra petty…
This was funny until I realize my gas gauge isn’t working…lol
That’s alright I still know how many miles until empty I keeps a close eye on that speedometer…lol
May your soft taco always fall apart as soon as you bring it to your mouth..
May every flight you catch the person you sit next too weight 350 pounds.
May every flight you catch there is a crying snot nosed child kicking your seat.
May you pass the biggest fart ever in the company meeting and look around.
May the THOT that gives you head, have a weak gag reflex and snaggle teeth.
May your sandwich have peanut but no butter.
May your Doritos neither be Cool, nor Ranch.
May the beans in your burrito be somewhat dry.
May your S curl not quite form a full S.
And may your McChicken sandwiches have no mayo and dry bread.
Perhpas ya’ll petty folks already got some of these, but I’d like to add:
May your naked and sandled feet always catch the sharpest corner of every table, doorway, and wall.
May your leftovers always be eaten by someone else when you are excited to eat them.
MayYourSpaceBarAlwaysBeStuck.
May your most important Flash drive be washed in the pocket of your favorite jeans.
May you forever smell like onions & baby shhhh
May you always have to pee when you come home, but never find your house key in time.
May one eye lash bend inwards and scratch your eye ball and may you never get it out.
May you step on legos with your barefeet.
May the radio DJ keep cutting in talking when your favorite song is playing on the radio.
May you always have to pee when you come home, but never find your house key in time. (This is why I find my keys before I get out of the car and then dash like Flo Jo!)
May one eye lash bend inwards and scratch your eye ball and may you never get it out. (You win the Pettiest Person of the Year Award)
SERIOUSLY…..this^^^^…is on some new level pettiness right here!
My eye is seriously twitching right now.
May you pocket dial someone and they hear you talking sh!t about them.
May you be the recipient of one of Nee Nee’s blonde wigs!!!!
May BOTH corners of your mouth stay ever cracked and all of your food and beverages ever lemony! LOL Knock, knock…It’s me, Petty. 🙂
May you get stuck on the red and green line (on the train) with your “cousins” in the DMW!!!!
May you go to the dentist and end up with Ron Isley’s veneer dentist..
May your home and car keys fall down an elevator shaft!!!!
Msy you,your children,and your grandchildren be barren
That’s too harsh, doe. That ain’t even petty.
Wait but if you’re barren….how…and how did your children….scratches head…lol
May your pantyliner get stuck, sticky side up.
May your pantyliner get stuck, sticky side up.
iQuit
iCan’t
I literally rolled back away from my desk in pain.
::slain::
May someone send you an envelope full of hot pink glitter and you open it right before a serious business meeting.
May you have the never-ending stench of spoiled milk in your nostril hairs.
May you sneeze and slobber down the front of your white blouse while drinking orange soda.
And finally and this is the worst. May Popeyes run out of biscuits on your family meal order!
Father forgive me…..for I know not my pettiness. Amen
1) May your nose be perpetually stuffy.
2) May your screen protector never really stick to your screen.
3) May your vehicle hit every pothole after the winter snows have melted.
May the cotton end of the Q-Tip break off in your ear.
May your fingers poke through the toilet paper when you’re wiping your bum.
May you find about his 4 babymamas after you have sex the first time. May they all request you on FB to lurk.
May you always have a corn on your pinky toe.
May the underwire from every one of your bras poke you all day long.
May your tampons always be out of the wrapper when you go get them out of your purse.
May you forever have to store all of your papers in three-ring binders and may the ends of those rings never meet.
May your ice cream always have freezer burn
May your autocorrect stop working in the middle of FINALS!
My personal faves:
“I hope you burn your tongue on hot soup on your birthday”
“May you get an ingrown hair on your butt after your next bikini wax”
“I hope you go to Chipotle when they run out of Guac”
“The next time you go to Popeyes, I hope they’re out of chicken”
May you always have a middle of the back itch that you just can’t reach.
May you always get a fresh manicure where two fingers smudge right when you grab your keys.
May your summer train rides have faulty air condition, no seats and run 10 minutes behind.
May your beautician always run 2 hours behind and her demeanor unapologetic.
May you run out of clean panties and start your period on the same day you have only skirts.
May you have an ingrown hair so ingrown that each stride that you walk is a punishment.
May your ankles be weak and your burdens heavy.
Signed,
Alpha Petty Alpha
May your car windows and your AC break while driving from florida to california in July.
May your 350 lb passenger eat 4 bean burritos on that same road trip and fart for 3000 miles
#SUPERPETTY
Pettymen
Got to get in on this…
May you always have spinach in your teeth and no one around to warn you.
May you always get the middle seat on a full airplane between a crying infant and a talkative stranger.
May your fried chicken never be crispy.
May you never find a matching sock.
I was re-watching the HBO series Rome, and those Roman Women of Noble birth were the High Priestesses of petty prayers
Servillia of the Junii served this one up to Caesar when he decided to quit her:
“Gods of the Junii, with this offering I ask you to summon Tyche, Megaera, and Nemesis[2] so that they may witness this curse. By the spirits of my ancestors I curse Gaius Julius Caesar. Let his penis wither. Let his bones crack. Let him see his legions drown in their own blood. Gods of the Inferno, I offer to you his limbs, his mouth, his breath, his speech, his hands, his liver, his heart, his stomach. Gods of the Inferno, let me see him suffer deeply, and I will rejoice and sacrifice to you.”
I LOVE this thread! I don’t think anyone has said this, so here goes: May your hands, knees, feet, and elbows be forever ashy no matter how much lotion you apply!
I got another one…. May you get a migraine headache each time you gaze upon the face of Idris Elba!
That’s mean right there. Down right COLD! LOL!!
May the floor in your whole house be filled mysteriously with 10 million legos while you sleep in the dark; may all your shoes simultaneously dissappear, and may you step on every one of them while desperately looking for a light switch .
[…] Petty Prayers You Might Need One Day | Awesomely Luvvie – I have cried this day!! May you get a splinter in the one of the brown lines in the palm of your hand and never be able to extract it. May the bottom of your feet … […]
May you develop athlete’s feet in between your toes during a staff meeting or on a hot date and can’t scratch it.
May you cook ramen noodles and go to eat but your noodles are still undercooked.
May your macaroni cheese gives everyone the bubble guts at work and the family celebrations.
May you all stay replacing the batteries in your smoke detectors.
May telemarketers keep calling you everyday especially during booty call hours.
May your hair continue to flake everytime you use edge control.
May your grocery sacks break everytime before you make it in the house to unload them.
Lawd!! Not the bubble guts!!!
May your heater in your car not work on the coldest day of winter then come on full blast 3 days later when the temp is 62.
May you completely run out of lotion/baby oil/vaseline and have nothing but spit to put on those ashy elbows in the dead of winter.
[…] just hate them all and I wish paper cuts and every other petty thing on the […]
May your hairstylist come into work drunk and leave the perm on too long on the day of your wedding…blessings!
May your little cousin accidentally spill red juice on your white wedding dress at at your reception just as the photographer takes a photo.
May you have loose bowels whenever you’re at an important event.
May your homemade coffee always have coffee grounds in it.
May your takeout/drive thru order always be the wrong order, and you don’t find out until you get home or to the office.
May your autocorrect always correct every other word, even when the word is right.
May you get stuck behind every car that doesn’t use their turn signal.
May you attempt to bathe in coconut oil and still be ashy.
[…] thousand petty prayers upon whoever makes […]