Whose Idea Were These Terrible Birkenstock Boots?

First came the most expensive frock on the Oregon Trail. Then came the uglass skants (skirt pants). And now I’m convinced that fashion designers are just trolling us on purpose to entertain themselves, because look at this mess.

What in the tacky ass caucasery hell is this?!? Birkenstock has gone TOO FAR. As if those sandals weren’t bad enough. Now they’ve been turned into *gasp* BOOTS! These bastards have the nerve to cost $329 too. WHY LAWD. $329 real dollars, not Monopoly money. Talk about adding insult to tackiness.

LuvvNation went OFF about these boots from hell on my Awesomely Luvvie Facebook page and I got my life.

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Rella: When even Jesus knows that Winter is Coming. It gets cold in that valley of the Shadow of Death sometimes.

Luvvie: And He shall fear NO evil.

Debbie: He fears no evil but He fears these ugly shoes.

Sonya: Because evil don’t even wanna touch that!

Kristen: Nah, these gotta be why He flipped the tables in the first place. 

Hudson: I’m gonna say it just this once #NotAllWhitePeople

Luvvie: LMAO! I’ll allow it this once.

April: #onlywackwypepo

Pearl: Only the ones with ZERO black friends… like seriooosly… but low key they DO look super warm and cuddly!! #dontjudgeme

Jennifer: I saw the top and was like “I’d wear the— WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK IS THAT ON THE BOTTOM?”

Vee: All it needs is a Croc sole and the trifecta of ugly will be complete!

Abbie: Did someone out there decide that socks with sandals just wasn’t quite ugly enough?

Hudson: Me if I see y’all in these

Hudson: Crocs come get your cousin Uggenstock Frankenshoe.

Bitsy: Speaking for the melanin challenged, these shoes are a crime against God and man. #notallwhitepeople.

Megan: The owner of these boots drive a Subaru where the back of the car is full of dogs. They gasp in horror behind me in line at Trader Joe’s because I forgot my reusable bag. They can hardly wait to tell me that they are vegan.

Julie: I bet they have an Etsy shop and sell essential oils.

Pearl: And they are free range parents!

Laura: Exactly. And buy pumpkin spice lattes like they own stock in Starbucks. Heck, maybe husband Chad does own stock in Starbucks.

Abbie: But they pair so beautifully with her 100% renewable resource, vegetable dyed organic hemp pants.

Nicole: Damn. After my stomach cramped from laughing I felt really bad for my old Subaru sitting outside. She’s offended by these boots.

Jamie: I’m sitting in my Subaru reading this and had to double check my shoes. (Cute shoes, WHEW, that was close)

Abbie: I’m thinking these would fit better with an El Camino. They display the same kind of indecisiveness.

Ciara: It’s like a birkenstock had a baby with an ugg boot.

Sherean: Like a Birkenstock had two sperm donors -one is an Ugg and the other an orthotic boot

Sylvia: Berki got drunk and don’t know who the daddy is.

Annie: Birkenfuggs

Ciara: Fuggenstocks

Andrea: I think a dad from Portland invented these.

Luvvie: Highly possible. He also wears cargo pants that unzip at the knees to become cargo shorts.

Katie: Portland, checking in. I have to say no to your theory, as the fabric on these would be a soggy, horrible mess in the rain. Otherwise, it’s a totally plausible theory, haha. Perhaps a Berkeley person invented them? The Ugg-ish part is very California.

Mikki: For white girls whose toes actually get cold.

Robyn: No no, no, noooooo! My toes could freeze smooth off my foot, but at least I would have my pride. A toeless foot and my pride. At least my pedicures would be cheaper.

Rebecca: What is the point of those?

Luvvie: To piss us all off.

Marilyn: Birth control.

Etoiles: Last day on the job, “what can I design and push through to production before I quit this trash heap crunchy company…”

Jim: Sandals come pre-loaded with socks now?

Khadijah: These are those Wun Wun 9’s

Kristie: Hi, I’m white and I love comfortable shoes and I apologize on behalf of all white people who don’t know how to draw the line between being going out and being comfortable and just deciding it’s best for society if one just stays home.

Sabrina: But thank y’all for Snuggies!!

Jeanine: It’s LIT! As in, where’s the flammable liquids and Zippo? This needs to die and it needs to be killed with fire.

Louise: What’s the problem here? These boots are specially made for middle aged ex-hippies in Berkeley who have to relocate to Maine Bc Nana Spudenfork fell down the front steps when she was reaching for her Readers Digest and broke her hip. She can no longer go to the bathroom by herself and Uncle Tanner, is all “I ain’t havin’ none of it!” and “you have no life so get up here” and so Willow Moonstruck has to quit her Woke Women Wednesday Knitting in Protest group and give up her futon to the reiki instructor down the street and move to Maine. BUT SHE STILL FOUND A WAY TO WEAR HER BIRKS.

Monique: How much pumpkin spice does one have to ingest to find this a good idea? Are they snorting it? Are they injecting that unicorn frapp foolishness? How does this happen? I have some serious questions. Somebody get their spokesperson, Mr. Sosa, on the phone.

Christen: I’m just about as transparent as a human can be, complete with freckles and the ginger mop, born from and raised by some pot-growing hippies who washed their faces with Zest bar soap and even I would never don these footwear abominations!

April: A Birkenstocking? What do you fill it with, shame and regret? Or are they sandals for UGGlass feet? No, my sandal feet ain’t ready. Hide my negligence.

Bernadette: I’m not taking responsibility for these… I’ve already got Taylor Swift, this is just a step too far.

Shonnesse: These are known as the Earth Biscuit Crunchy Cult mid-rise boots. They are for your vegan, organic, musty garlic/curry smelling, armpits that resemble a Monchhichi in a headlock, legs that a reminiscent of Sasquatch standing in a cool summer breeze, Beloved Patriarch Jim only allows us Sister-Wives to wear bibbed dresses and doilies in our tightly-bunned hair, I don’t know how to tie a shoe anyway, special kind of people.

Ebony: But look at the Traction on those High Top Brushed Cotton Sneakerbootshoes ….you can run straight up to heaven and not slip.

Ajah: I just feel like these shoes (boots? sandals? shandals? sandboots?) are trying to find themselves and we should give them the space to do so. Like, a WIDE berth, though…

Joy: They look comfortable. Reminds me of 20 years ago when I wore Birkenstock sandals with socks, African head wraps, and burned incense. What a time to be alive. I love them. I want some for Christmas.

Angel: I respect your frankness. I wear Birks with socks. I’m not ready to commit to a one-piece knee sock/shoe arrangement, tho.

Judith: I’m paler than moonlight and I do own a pair of Arizona sandals but this is even too white for me. Great googly moogly, those are horrific!

Marilyn: UGG and Birkenstock combo? Why the fuck not go ahead and throw some kind of Croc feature in there? DAMN that’s ugly.

Julie: Can we stick a kitten heel on those heaux shoes so the people that choose this abominable footwear break their ankle?

Chinyere: What in the Starbucks drinking, culture appropriated dirty locs, rusty Schwinn riding,  looking, having, wannabe bullshit ass feminist, polygamy compound living bullshit is this!?!!

Hilary: As a member of the caucasery, all I got is – I’M SORRY. But damn these comments.  It was worth it that these are a thing just to read the comments!

Erika: Now we know what happens when you put your Uggs and your Birkenstocks in the closet, together. #neveragain

Natalie: These are hysterical…just need to wear them with a crop jacket with the fur hood and yoga pants #vancouverstylepoints. SMH…this is a lesson in “be careful what you ask for.” Done complained too much about Ugg’s…got Birkenstock like “Hold my beer.”

Rachel: I need for Michael Clarke Duncan to rise from his eternal slumber for one last “Don’t you put that evil on me, Ricky Bobby.”

Scott: These are definitely the preferred footwear of the White Walkers in Game of Thrones. This ish needs to stay beyond the wall.

Kathryn: Now that I know Birkenstocks and Ugg can mate and create horrors I’m eyeballing all the shoes I own. Imma spend the day on Pinterest figuring out how to organize and isolate my shoes lest this happen in my entranceway.

Sylvia: Worn by people who show up late to Friendsgiving with small tub of store bought potato salad and greens from Needless Markups yet bring copious amounts of empty Tupperware and load up their leftovers before everyone gets their plate. These have the mark of the beast and anyone wearing them should be immediately throat punched and sprinkled with holy water.

Rhonda: Let us now celebrate the multipurpocity of the vocabulary word “caucasery”…
Is that pronounced caucaSERY?- as call the caucasery and tell them to come get Becky with the fugly boots….
Or is it cauCASery? Like rachel dolezal had the caucasery to try to be trans-racial….
Or is it CAUcasery- they got all the hateration holleration in this Caucasery…
I await thy reply so I may use this word in haste oh great Goddess of shade vocab….bless thee for giving life to my petty!

Ashlee: Almost spit wine everywhere at “caucasery hell” because that is the only phrase that can describe this monstrosity.

Kevin: Them those Air Skywalkers that old whyte azz Luke Skywalker was sporting on that ice planet back in the day day. Elmer in marketing must have been tripping on the good powder again. #lastseenonplanethoth

Kim: That Star Wars Hoth ice station cosplay, tho…

Sili: This person has never tasted bacon and judges us for harming the world. They just bought that new VW van and will tell anyone that listens that they were conceived in one. Also: they eat kale every day and have the physical inability to give a side eye due to their low iron and propensity for lightintheassness.

Therese: Three hundred and twenty-nine dollars for this fuckery?? I know in which suburbs these will be all the rage…obnoxious, over-privileged white girls who will be impressed based upon the price tag. Listen up, fellow white folk – it is not necessary to blow $329, just to prove you are rich…AND, DUMB.

Linda: I live in Florida. It gets chilly here. I will not subject my feet to these ugly ass boots. And mind you, we love wearing boots the four days a year we can wear them. Not these, though.

Mosha: Those are mulloots. Made for those summer days and winter nights. They keep Debbie’s cankles warm while she rocks her ripped booty shorts (sans booty), crop top with matching bland chicken tan cardigan. This seasonless alphet is usually worn when heading to Twin Peaks with bae for a few cool brews.

Jennifer: There is a trust fund crunchie art major on campus ordering these with a credit card her mom pays for telling her friends she “doesn’t care about money” right now…

Alia: I have massive problems with my feet, and in summer I live in Birks despite the fug b/c they work with my issues. These? There are a big Nope. And the addition of the boot portion actually means they wouldn’t work for my feet anyway, the way it’s shaped. So they are ugly AND nonfunctional.

Cynthia: For basic girls who can’t decide whether to wear their UGGs or their retro Birkenstocks to hangover brunch on Sunday mornings, now they don’t have to choose!

Karen: Mark my words, you will see somebody rocking those things with a miniskirt or some shorts on and a scarf. They’ll also probably be drinking a pumpkin spice latte.

Lena: Well, you never know when tickets to the moon are gonna be cheap and you gonna NEED these boots to hold you down when that gravitational pull tries to sling you all over those moon rocks!!

Fe: That’s a post-foot-surgery boot……right?

Sharon: I’d like to apologize on behalf of white people with taste. We have no idea how these were unleashed on the general public. Be assured that if we find out who did this, they will be appropriately dealt with in a timely fashion. #smdh #iaintgottimeforthisnonsense

T.J.: I’m mad because if the dumb straps weren’t on the foot part, they might be cute. Doing the damn most.

Brenda: It’s like a toddler who wants to wear multiple pairs of shoes at once except somehow an adult didn’t step in and correct that mess.

Kitza: These boots have added gasoline to the rage smoldering within me. They are the straw that has broken my back. How much more are we expected to tolerate before we take to the streets?

Candace: For the abominable snowman who also has an undergrad from Berkeley.

Kimberly: I can see all 12 disciples wearing these in a blizzard.

Tara: Looks like Granny put on her compression socks and her “house shoes” at the same damn time. A mess…

Carrie: These go beautifully with kale and Satan.

Adrienne: Perfect for Coachella on the North Pole.

Bree: I live and die by Birkenstocks because feet hate me, but this gets a resounding HELL NAW

Alisa: Even Eskimos are like…Nah I’ll take frostbite on these toes for $200 Alex.

Kristyn: When you have to walk on water at 8 and be a Sherpa at 9…

Pam: This looks like some “As Seen On TV” white people solution to Midwestern bipolar weather.

Carly: Personally, I see this as a useful tool for identifying people I don’t need in my life.

LAWD. These are terrible. These are a shame. SHAME.