Because We Have To Talk About Safaree’s Latest *cough* Release
IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 18, SKIP THIS POST BECAUSE IT IS FILTH. IT’S FOR GROWN FOLKS ONLY.
There is a BIG topic floating around the internet today. It has GINORMOUS interest. The MAGNITUDE must be acknowledged.
Sometimes, I am moved to write poetry (specifically limericks). Today is one of those times:
There once was a man named Safaree
Whose claim to fame was being with a Nicki
His nudes were just popped
Our jaws promptly dropped
Cuz his peen was the size of a Bugatti.
*snaps Black turtleneckly*
You might be wondering what I’m talmbout. Well, see what had happened was… Safaree is a dude who Nicki Minaj dated for like a decade, and he was her manager too. They broke up a coupla years ago and now he’s on Love & Hip Hop New York on VH1, and dresses like Pink Panther for no reason. Anywho, yesterday, a video of his peen dropped and blessed us all.
Why? Because it is a gauntlet. Because of the patriarchy, we claim our victories where we can get them and this was definitely a win for women and gays everywhere. To objectify this man, and whistle at him from afar. Grey sweatpants were made for him. That is all he should ever wear. My boy Darell J. Hunt wants to mail him some and I got $5 on it.
The man has an entire baseball bat attached to his body and a lot of things now make sense. Doesn’t he have some of Nicki’s publishing rights? I see why. That is a weapon of mass dickmatizing. That thing has to be its own business entity. I bet it has its own social security number because that is a sentient being.
It’s important to note that it’s only good in theory to be that size. That’s how people’s insides get re-arranged. People need good insurance before getting in his bed. Show up for pap smear and all your organs in the wrong place. Nope. It ain’t my portion but it is good to look at. In fact, Nicki was probably tired of having her uterus tangled up like iPhone cords so she was like “I’m out, man.”
She gave it a solid effort. She had to do what she had to do for her well-being. Self-care, sis. He was probably a HORRIBLE partner.
Any man who is walking around with a squash between his legs is not one we can count on to be a decent human being who is fully functioning with good ethics. I talked about this in chapter 3 of my book I’M JUDGING YOU. His Aint Shitness is probably legendary. His peen is probably on Groupon.
I bet you he cannot read well. WHY would you need to be literate with a penis the size of a canoe? I’m sure he owes the IRS tons of money. Who needs to pay taxes when they possess a netheral anaconda? Safaree probably has never kept a promise in his life. I bet breaking his word as he breaks backs is his specialty. That man can’t do puzzles and whatnots! You won’t see him doing Sudoku no time soon because why use logic when you’re dragging a python in betwixt your thighs? And his poor mama. She probably hasn’t heard from him in years. Ain’t no way he’s good at keeping in touch with loved ones.
Me and my girls are in a text chat talking about it and the following comments have been made:
C: I nearly choked when i saw it last night
J: You would definitely choke ????. You would live at the doctor’s office. Cranberry in your IV drip
B: Bladder infections constantly.
Me: I don’t want that in my life.
J: The original ANACONDA
Me: mofo prolly owes back taxes and doesn’t call his mama
J: With that Elephant trunk, someone is probably paying his taxes for him
C: That thing has its own apartment
J: Area code
C: Drives a mini van
J: If he registered a gofundme with that video he could solve world hunger. The site would crash
C: I bet it has its own personality
J & B: Multiple
J: ADHD for for sure
B: Nah man. That thing is liable to take your life
Other J: For real, I’d draw up site plans first. Gotta make sure you don’t start the job without enough resources.
C: That thing wouldn’t even fit in the sunken place
J: He probably has to pay for excess luggage when he travels
C: Lookin like Voldemort’s snake
Me: NAGINI!!!! Bruh, his penis is a horcrux *faints*
We are on timeout for the rest of the day. On account of us being pervs. Carry on.
Have you bought my NYTimes-bestselling debut book I’M JUDGING YOU: The Do-Better Manual? Haven’t ordered it yet? Now’s your chance. You’ll love it. Amazon. Barnes & Nobles. iBooks. Audible (I narrated the audiobook myself). Kobo. Books-A-Million.