Famous folks

Because We Have To Talk About Safaree’s Latest *cough* Release


There is a BIG topic floating around the internet today. It has GINORMOUS interest. The MAGNITUDE must be acknowledged.

So Safaree…


Safaree Samuels

Sometimes, I am moved to write poetry (specifically limericks). Today is one of those times:

There once was a man named Safaree
Whose claim to fame was being with a Nicki
His nudes were just popped
Our jaws promptly dropped
Cuz his peen was the size of a Bugatti.

*snaps Black turtleneckly*

You might be wondering what I’m talmbout. Well, see what had happened was… Safaree is a dude who Nicki Minaj dated for like a decade, and he was her manager too. They broke up a coupla years ago and now he’s on Love & Hip Hop New York on VH1, and dresses like Pink Panther for no reason. Anywho, yesterday, a video of his peen dropped and blessed us all.

Why? Because it is a gauntlet. Because of the patriarchy, we claim our victories where we can get them and this was definitely a win for women and gays everywhere. To objectify this man, and whistle at him from afar. Grey sweatpants were made for him. That is all he should ever wear. My boy Darell J. Hunt wants to mail him some and I got $5 on it.

The man has an entire baseball bat attached to his body and a lot of things now make sense. Doesn’t he have some of Nicki’s publishing rights? I see why. That is a weapon of mass dickmatizing. That thing has to be its own business entity. I bet it has its own social security number because that is a sentient being.

It’s important to note that it’s only good in theory to be that size. That’s how people’s insides get re-arranged. People need good insurance before getting in his bed. Show up for pap smear and all your organs in the wrong place. Nope. It ain’t my portion but it is good to look at. In fact, Nicki was probably tired of having her uterus tangled up like iPhone cords so she was like “I’m out, man.”

ovaries be gone

She gave it a solid effort. She had to do what she had to do for her well-being. Self-care, sis. He was probably a HORRIBLE partner.

Any man who is walking around with a squash between his legs is not one we can count on to be a decent human being who is fully functioning with good ethics. I talked about this in chapter 3 of my book I’M JUDGING YOU. His Aint Shitness is probably legendary. His peen is probably on Groupon.

I bet you he cannot read well. WHY would you need to be literate with a penis the size of a canoe? I’m sure he owes the IRS tons of money. Who needs to pay taxes when they possess a netheral anaconda? Safaree probably has never kept a promise in his life. I bet breaking his word as he breaks backs is his specialty. That man can’t do puzzles and whatnots! You won’t see him doing Sudoku no time soon because why use logic when you’re dragging a python in betwixt your thighs? And his poor mama. She probably hasn’t heard from him in years. Ain’t no way he’s good at keeping in touch with loved ones.

Motherfuckers Tell Me Nothing nicki minaj gif

This be Safaree, surely.

Me and my girls are in a text chat talking about it and the following comments have been made:

C: I nearly choked when i saw it last night

J: You would definitely choke ????. You would live at the doctor’s office. Cranberry in your IV drip

B: Bladder infections constantly.

Me: I don’t want that in my life.

J: The original ANACONDA

Me: mofo prolly owes back taxes and doesn’t call his mama

J: With that Elephant trunk, someone is probably paying his taxes for him

C: That thing has its own apartment

J: Area code

C: Drives a mini van

J: If he registered a gofundme with that video he could solve world hunger. The site would crash

C: I bet it has its own personality

J & B: Multiple

J: ADHD for for sure

B: Nah man. That thing is liable to take your life

Other J: For real, I’d draw up site plans first. Gotta make sure you don’t start the job without enough resources.

C: That thing wouldn’t even fit in the sunken place

J: He probably has to pay for excess luggage when he travels

C: Lookin like Voldemort’s snake

Me: NAGINI!!!! Bruh, his penis is a horcrux *faints*

We are on timeout for the rest of the day. On account of us being pervs. Carry on.

Have you bought my NYTimes-bestselling debut book I’M JUDGING YOU: The Do-Better Manual? Haven’t ordered it yet? Now’s your chance. You’ll love it. Amazon. Barnes & Nobles. iBooks. Audible (I narrated the audiobook myself). Kobo. Books-A-Million.

Previous post

R. Kelly Gotta Know His Wayward Ass is Not Welcome in Wakanda

Next post

Real Gs Move in Silence Like Wakanda (with Eunique Jones Gibson) - Episode 1 of Rants and Randomness


  1. Carrie
    February 26, 2018 at 10:31 am

    oh my gawd I hadn’t heard anything about this and had assumed it was some fashion thing due to the sweatpants, and I WAS DRINKING COFFEE. YOU ALMOST DROWNED ME. I am dead.

  2. Lloyd
    February 26, 2018 at 11:06 am

    ????????????????????????????????????????????????????????. I’m dying, fam. This ain’t even fair. Is it legal to have that? Can we sue him for making us look inadequate?

  3. Andrea Shipman
    February 26, 2018 at 11:45 am

    “Nicki was probably tired of having her uterus tangled up like iPhone cords so she was like “I’m out, man.” I AM NOT EQUIPPED FOR THIS. DED.

    • Denise
      February 26, 2018 at 10:38 pm

      The way I HOLLERED when I read that line!! ????????????

  4. Keels
    February 26, 2018 at 1:42 pm

    Ok, so Im a touch crazy so one time only then change my
    Number. Also a LOT of weed beforehand and a dr’s appt right after. Im prepared – girl scout code people! Ima earn a badge fo sho!!

  5. Rachel
    February 26, 2018 at 1:55 pm

    That’s a bucket list peen. One and done. There’s no way I’d sit on that on a regular basis. I saw an elbow ????

  6. Bootkums
    February 26, 2018 at 2:46 pm

    Yes thats the size for me id me all over it .. yes . It would have bowties, outfits and all. I would show him whos daddy.

  7. R.Oliver
    February 26, 2018 at 3:36 pm

    This article is everything! ????????????

  8. Darling Nic
    February 26, 2018 at 3:42 pm

    Ok I just saw it. Yes it’s impressivebut what the hell is that on the left side of his peen? Looks like a genital wart. Please tell me ya’ll not that dickmatized to notice it. Throw the whole peen away.

    • Skeptical At Best
      February 27, 2018 at 9:30 pm

      I’m with you. What is that?!? I don’t know if it was dick cheese, wet tissue paper or ??????

  9. NameWithHeld
    February 26, 2018 at 4:47 pm

    I was once engaged to a guy from Nigeria who…ummm…has Safaree looking average. We broke off the engagement (bc I was still a bit shady) but last I heard he was still single. It was a lot to be committed to for LIFE.

    • Txbirdy
      February 27, 2018 at 12:40 am

      Do you still have his #? I ain’t scared lol

      • Mysti
        February 27, 2018 at 6:44 pm


  10. Criscilla
    February 26, 2018 at 5:08 pm

    That is an extraordinary piece of lumber chopped from the largest tree in the Western Hemisphere

    (Forrest Gump Voice) “And that’s ALL I’m going to say about that!”

  11. Nikki
    February 26, 2018 at 7:10 pm

    He is clearly popping ovarian cysts and fibroids with that thing. Jeez!! My mouth was tight like Chrissy Tiegen’s looking at it.

    I felt like Barbara from Soul Plane. Scene: Tom Arnold-That thing has a face on it!” Barbara: “No, but it’s gonna!”

  12. February 26, 2018 at 10:55 pm

    Wow, not a fan of love and hip hop but gotta watch it now. I wanna see the manacond.


  13. lin
    February 26, 2018 at 11:24 pm

    Is this the peen Nicki singing bout in the song Anaconda? if so I see why. Ijs.

  14. Sya Meze
    February 26, 2018 at 11:32 pm

    I’mma make my 1st comment before reading your hilarious article????. I was on Instagram minding my very own???????? damn business, trying to get ????right with the lawd????????, searching for tips on ????bible journaling????. I’d just bought a bible journal kit. I was ???? excited for the next day (today), bcuz I was going to add to it with a 621 piece Faith???????? sticker set. Then here come the mf’ing devil ???????????? talking bout???? #Safaree ????check ????it???? out on Twitter cuz Instagram ✋????????block everydamn thang. ???????? And ????????lawd ????????have???????? mercy????????????????????????! ???? I digress… I???????? recovered, and did not ????????????‍♂️????????????‍♂️????venture back at alll today!????????Not ????????one ????????damn ????????time! ???????? I ???? and got my 621 piece ????????Faith sticker set with my 40% off Micheal’s coupon.???????????????? ???? Now let me go ????cackle at this article!

  15. MonaMona
    February 28, 2018 at 7:33 am

    Now THIS is the kind of commentary that I needed ???????????????? I’m sooooo glad I’m reading this at home!

  16. Naomi
    March 1, 2018 at 7:21 am

    LMAO reading this made my day! Where’s Nicki? Nicki we need answers!

  17. March 6, 2018 at 6:59 pm

    LOL! I still cannot find the vid. Loved the limerick! hahaha. I go for haikus myself.

  18. Jones
    March 27, 2018 at 10:29 am

    Full recommendation I would like to recommend to anyone suffering from breakup. dr_mack@ yahoo. com is a spell caster which you can rely on at any time. My boyfriend get back within 6 days. Great touch, great patience, and most importantly – it really works! ????????????????????????