If Cheeto Satan is Healthy, Then I’m a Scandinavian Princess Who Can Dunk

A couple of days ago, White House physician Dr. Ronny Jackson addressed the nation to calm growing concerns that the Dunghole-in-Chief was in terrible shape health-wise. The doctor told us all that Mango Mussolini is in great health physically and mentally. He also claimed that the Fanta Fascist is 6’3″ and 239 lbs.

BRUH. The devil is a lie and the truth ain’t in him. Do not piss on me and tell me it’s Ginger Ale. If those ain’t #AlternativeFacts, I don’t know what is.

This. Pantyline.

Besides the fact that the Tang Tyrant survives on a diet of McDonald’s and KFC every single day, he is also seemingly allergic to exercise. The only running he’s doing is with his mouth and his tiny little fingers typing on Twitter. His arteries must look like a Los Angeles highway at 5pm: clogged up and ready to give up at any moment.

But also: 6’3 and 239 pounds??? BISHWHERE? Maybe on a planet with zero gravity. Why tell this lie? Sports Illustrated made a whole post about Athletes who are the same size as Donald Trump and it is perfect. Also, he is like 2 inches shorter than President Barack Obama, who clocks in at 6’1 so that doesn’t even make any sense!

I’m just here to say: the 45 Administration is full of lies and they gaslight us every single day. And YOU are not crazy. They are. I think it’s important to say this because as they lie to us boldly and terribly every single day, we might be tempted to question ourselves. We cannot afford to.

We are being told blatant lies, and we are being conditioned to accept the less outlandish ones since the others are so ridiculous. YOU ARE NOT CRAZY. THEY ARE. Stand in that. Be confident of that. And fight like hell in November, by voting in midterms so we can get more of them out of office.

Toupee Fiasco walking around here shaped like a bag of dirty laundry. Just a hot ass mess. If that guy is a picture of health, who is 6’3 and 239 pounds, then I’m a Scandinavian princess who can dunk. We gon need his Girth Certificate post-haste.

Anywho, so I posted this on my Awesomely Luvvie FB page and LuvvNation went in!

McKenna: If Cheeto Satan is 6’3″ and 239 pounds then I am the identical twin Rihanna’s momma gave up at birth because she knew if there was that much awesome under one roof the whole damn thing would blow up. Sis better call me soon, we obviously need to combine our powers for good and save the world!

Melisa: If Twitler is 239 lbs then I am the Statue of Liberty, here to turn back time like Cher and return his mama back to Scotland. The only doctor that Trump sees is Dr. Pepper.

Celeste: Who will be the reporter who gets 86ed from a press conference for, “Mr. President, your physician states you’re in excellent health. When is the last time you could see your penis?”

Uppity Knitter: If 45 is 6’3 and 239 pounds. Then I knit all my projects using only one knitting needle, with yarn spun from the undercoat of the the elusive Black unicorn.

Kenisha: I think he’s every bit of 5’10”. Otherwise, why swing your tie around like a flaccid penis? 6’3” is a formidable height without doing all that…

Errica: If Cheeto Satan is 6’3 and 239 pounds, then I am the embodiment of white privilege. Kinks, melanin and all! #WheresMine #IDontGetPulledOver #WatchMeGetABankLoan

Lynn: If he’s 239, I’m going to the Olympics to do butt naked bobsledding. I ain’t even gonna use a bobsled.

Ty: and I’m an Idris Elba doppelganger. By the way, the doctor’s comments about “drying Trump’s secretions” to explain Dolt 45’s slurred speech sounds more horrifying than just about anything else in this report. Makes him sound like a weird Australian animal or an alien being held captive …which would explain a lot.

Keisha: If 45 is 6′ 3″ & 239 lbs, I’m Beyoncé’s body double when Angela Bassett doesn’t have have me booked to the max.

Nicole: I want to know EXACTLY what drugs are keeping Agent Orange alive. Seriously, we deserve to know the truth. This guy eats Mickey D’s and KFC on the daily and doesn’t exercise beyond pacing around his bedroom when he’s rage watching CNN. WHAT IS KEEPING HIM GOING? And nobody tell me it’s that he has Horcruxes. Dick Cheneymort has all the Horcruxes.

Robert: If this walking dumpster don’t stop with the lies. If he’s 239, I’m Dwayne Johnson’s long lost twin brother. ????

Karma: Also, they got his temperature wrong. No way that reptile had a body temp of 98.4. Unless the room was 103.4. I bet he runs at least 5 degrees colder than room temperature with a few degrees being channeled off to run hell.

Elizabeth: Because hot air weighs nothing. And he’s full of it.

H Loretta: And I’m as rich as Oprah….And Beyoncé’s long lost twin, twice as old and nine inches shorter- the most fraternal twins in history!

Eileen: If President Titler weigh 239, then it is true that people often stop me on the street because they mistake me for Pam Grier. Come on, folks, I’m taller and better-looking.

Tayo: Apparently you can eat kfc and mcdonalds only, look like the goodyear blimp and have a bp of 122/74….who knew?

Khira: Rachel Dolezal is black….. Trump is president AND physically fit…. Fugg it. I’m a mermaid.

Shania: I’m Wonder Woman using my invisible plane as a kiddie transport vehicle if he’s 239 lbs and 6’3”.

Yolanda: …and I’m Angela Bassett. I can sing like Whitney. I can dance like Teyanna Taylor and Janet Jackson. The Beyhive swarms for me. And my bank account rivals Warren Buffett.

Jolie: And I gave birth to Beyonce three days after I was born.

Debi: More like 339 pounds. That doctor was lying like a tacked down carpet.

Lori: If that fat f*ck is 6’3″ & 239 pounds, then I’m the Dowager Queen of Lower Sloblovia.

Kate: he’s hollow on the inside

Sharon: If he’s 6’3 and 239, I’m next in line for the English throne.

Dawn: I’ve seen 6’3 239lbs. That ain’t him! He just described Jason Mamoa!

Nicole: This penguin-looking blankety-blank! He probably meant his cholesterol was 239.

Hadda: If he’s 239, I’m Marilyn Monroe.

Ronica: And I’m the Queen of Wakanda

As we all are, sis. As we all are.