Melania Trump is Still Wack But Her Hand Holding Block Game is Strong

In these times, we must find joy in the most unlikely places. Because half the time I’m just praying for the beast with no neck that the book of Revelations promised us to come down and end the misery of Donald Trump the Shitstain of Life running this place.

In the last 2 days, I’ve been finding joy in Melania Trump’s lack of give a fuck when it comes to Cheeto Satan. First, let me state that I’m not here for her ass. Melania is no hero and she might have signed up for some cash from some tale as old as time dude with squirrel wig hair and orange skin, but she got stuck with the Toddler in Chief of the United States and now she’s in a cage. The woman gets zero props there. She’s a user who ended up getting used herself. Part of me is like “is this her karmic punishment?” Possibly.

Dishonor gif

Now, she is not being that shy about showing that she can’t stand the ground that Habanero Hitler walks on. The woman looks disgusted every time she has to be in his presence. She knows he has no soul and he’s probably sucked all of hers out so now she’s left to recoil at his presence and all we can do is look on and high five the version of her who doesn’t make us wince.

On this international trip that Tangerine Voldemort is on, he clearly had to bring Melania. So she climbed down from the Trump Tower and accompanied him. She’s just there so she doesn’t get fined. Apparently her agreement did not include having to make contact with the walking Satan’s taint she’s (forcibly) married to, because she is not even tryna do it. #1 on list of things she ain’t finna do: this hand holding shit.

First yesterday when they were In Israel. She slapped his hand away and kept walking smoothly.

YOOOOO she was not having it. Didn’t break stride as she slapped his hand away like it attempted to burn her. Whew. This is its own burn.

Then today, as they deplaned Air Force One in Rome. Once again, she Dikembe Mutombo’ed (blocked) Madking Littlehand’s units. Please watch this beautiful moment.

Melania slaps Donald hand away

BWAHAHAHAHAHA I’ve been watching this on loop for hours. She’s outchea playing table tennis with his hands. Straight NAWL. He tried to recover by grabbing her ass because he’s that much of an intergalactic imbecile but the damage was done to his fragile ego. The epic CURVE had happened. Plus, not only is Melania dressed like she’s going to a funeral (cuz she’s mourning her own freedom?), she got on these hater blocker shades because y’all ain’t gon look into her eyes, full of despair. I almost feel sorry for her. But almost doesn’t count. #BrandyTaughtMe.

Now we all sit around and laugh. To keep from crying. Because the President of the United States is an immature, pompous jackass with the temperament of a newborn with colic. And the entire world knows it. It’s like when your Prom King flunked out of school but only reason he is allowed to stay on campus is because his daddy bought the basketball team’s uniforms. And every other high school remembers when he got drunk during the homecoming game and peed in the middle of the field. It’s all so embarrassing.

Meanwhile, the emerging Prince of Petty, Pete Souza (official White House photographer for the Obama Administration) was sure to show the alternate universe we just left for this hell hole.

Holding hands.

A post shared by Pete Souza (@petesouza) on

You know, one where the POTUS and FLOTUS actually loved each other and didn’t do a Matrix move to avoid physical contact. Good times. I MISS THEM SO MUCH IT HURTS!!!

The moral of this story is: maybe don’t marry the magnate who can’t read and threatens women with sexual assault. So when the idiot runs for President as a joke and somehow wins because there are 60 million other idiots out there, you won’t be trapped in a prison of your own doing. Also, run them divorce papers faster next time. So then you won’t have to be out here with the blocking skills of an NBA legend to live in semi-peace.

Melania be like…

Have you bought my debut book I’M JUDGING YOU: The Do-Better Manual. Haven’t ordered it yet? Now’s your chance. You’ll love it. Amazon. Barnes & Nobles. iBooks. Audible (I narrated the audiobook myself). Kobo. Books-A-Million.

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  1. Michelle
    May 23, 2017 at 8:55 pm

    If there is a Petty Awards this year, Pete Souza should get the MVP award. Pete you the real MVP. That vanilla brother keeps the petty strong at all times.

    • June 2, 2017 at 7:24 pm

      I literally just said this to my husband. “Pete Souza is the pettiest mofo on the Internet, and I could not love him more.”

  2. Michele
    May 23, 2017 at 9:00 pm

    Mellie Trump was just biding her time. She knew she was about to get traded in for a younger model (literally), so she was making plans behind the scenes. Sneaking a few dollars here and there from the joint accounts, looking at condos that she could put in a gal pal’s name (until the break was official). Getting all her ducks in a row to make a break for it.

    Then November 8, 2016 happened. ALL her escape plans got blown to kingdom come. If Slavic Barbie wasn’t complicit in all that Obama birther nonsense I would actually feel sorry for her. But nah. That’s what she gets. The universe demands no less.

    • Heather
      May 23, 2017 at 10:46 pm

      I just lost my shit reading this comment!????????????????????

    • Marcy
      May 24, 2017 at 12:53 am

      I thought I was reading a book instead of a comment. Please continue…I’m sure they will give you plenty of material daily.

    • Professor Pat
      May 24, 2017 at 1:45 pm

      Well, at least Slavic Barbie still has Moose and Squirrel to keep her warm at night…

    • Nikki
      May 24, 2017 at 3:07 pm

      You seriously think her name is on the bank counts!!!!!

    • T.
      May 24, 2017 at 3:15 pm

      Your response is EPIC!!! Yes to all of it! Brava!

  3. CYW
    May 23, 2017 at 9:01 pm

    Small correction: I believe they landed in Israel yesterday (Monday), where the original sideswipe occurred. They’re visiting the Pope tomorrow.

    • Nicki
      May 24, 2017 at 1:09 am

      Can you see Pope Francis spraying his visitor (because I don’t say his name) with holy water in a super soaker.

      • May 27, 2017 at 3:33 pm

        Hilarious comment! BTW, I call him P-45 because:
        P = both POTUS and the Russian P tape
        45 = his POTUS number and is S. African slang for male genitalia.
        Finally, like Voldemort, if we say the name there might be a hex on it that helps them find us, so . . . .

  4. Karen
    May 23, 2017 at 9:03 pm

    The endless hilarious names you come up with are nothing short of brilliant. Habienero Hitler. So good.

  5. R Leo
    May 23, 2017 at 9:28 pm

    Sweet baby Jeebus, I miss the Obamas.

  6. May 23, 2017 at 9:55 pm

    Chile, Pete Souza been trolling Trump since January 20th and it’s been HI-LARIOUS to watch! He is indeed the Prince of Petty LOL!

  7. rebekah
    May 23, 2017 at 10:01 pm

    disgusted melania is trying hard to get out of her self-inflicted sunken place, and complicit melania looks like she’s about to give up trying to keep her in.

  8. Vickie
    May 23, 2017 at 10:02 pm

    I am so grateful for your wit and intellect. Truly. My only saving grace some days. Thank you for “canning” when the rest of us can not.

  9. Annelle
    May 23, 2017 at 10:37 pm

    Please do a gif roundup of all the hand-hold blocks. You know this is only the beginning. Will she block again in front of the Pope??? Can you imagine??? I’m so excited! ***choosing popcorn flavors***

  10. May 23, 2017 at 11:12 pm

    Best. Post. Title. Ever.

  11. Gayer Than Thou
    May 24, 2017 at 2:56 am

    My theory is that she’s staying with Twitler because she’s seen the bank statements and she knows the Russians’ checks haven’t cleared yet. No sense leaving when there’s no money.

    • Elviouslyqueer
      May 24, 2017 at 6:31 am

      Agreed. Either that or she’s holding out until his Fanta-hued ass gets perp walked straight out of the White House and all the way down Pennsylvania Avenue.

      • DarLai
        May 24, 2017 at 2:23 pm

        Fanta-hued ass.

    • Nikki
      May 24, 2017 at 3:17 pm

      She probably won’t get anything due to a prenup. Trump isn’t that stupid especially after paying Ivana 25 million after their divorce. Marla reportedly got just 2 million. i am guessing Melania will get the same or even less if she divorced him.

      She has no skills and won’t be able to do a tell-all book because of a gag order just like Ivana and Marla have slapped on them. They can’t and haven’t said sheet about him.

  12. Sultryzulu
    May 24, 2017 at 8:53 am

    Luvvie you’re everything. However, Barnes & NobleS? No’m. You not finna set off my Tourret’s in here today. With bated breath, I await your post on that cold shoulder blouse #forevermtFlotus by Jodeci was serving earlier this week.

  13. BlackBerry Molasses
    May 24, 2017 at 9:56 am

    the question i always had is… how did she get herself together enough to lay down in a bed and conceive her child with this…. THING? or did she do some IUI sh*t because the very thought made her vomit copiously. i’m thinking option B. had him jack off into a cup and ran to her OB like– i gotta get a kid on this dude but i CAN NOT do the sex with him.

    • Lorna
      May 24, 2017 at 1:02 pm

      Nah Shawty, THOTUS (or #ThirdLady, which ever you prefer) definitely laid down on purpose with Kim Jong Orange to make that kid. I suspect copious amounts of alcohol, nose plugs and paper bags over his head were necessary. Not to mention an umbrella so all that orange sweat didn’t get in her eyes.

      The P*ssy-grabbing Potentate was going to trade her in since he’s NEVER had a wife older than 45 (and the Slovenian Side Chick turned 46 last year). She was ready to go, had put in her decade of wiping orange goo off her clothes (that’s why you never see her wear the same outfit more than once). But then he ran and won, so she’s trapped. They have to fake it for the Fake Evangelicals who would pretend to care about a ‘president’ getting divorced.

      I’d be willing to bet the entire $7.27 in my checking account that he offered her $100 million to stay throughout his term in the White House and for at least six months of his first jail term for treason after the impeachment.

      • BlackBerry Molasses
        May 24, 2017 at 2:43 pm

        i just threw up in my mouth at the thought of them doing the no pants dance.
        she’s in a gilded cage of her own making and i cant seem to spare a single f*ck to feel sorry for her. hope that settlement is worth it. hope the tell all book deal is worth it too. though no amount of cash can wash that orange filth off. none.

        LMAO at P*ssy Grabbing Potentate and Slovenian Side Chick

    • Professor Pat
      May 24, 2017 at 2:01 pm

      Melania went from earning $10K/session as a model in NYC to 100 mil (and potentially much more) for her willingness to bed down the tangerine terrorist. Pretty sweet deal for two or three minutes of work.

      • Nikkie
        May 24, 2017 at 3:12 pm

        I guarantee that after TWO divorces the prenup he MADE her sign is so tight she will only get bus fare! And I am sure a confidentiality agreement was signed too just like with Ivana and Marla which is why you don’t hear them so crap about him.

  14. Vana
    May 24, 2017 at 5:42 pm

    Pete Souza is PKOTUS *Petty King* He is fresh outta fucks to give about it all. He has a field of barrenness where fucks used to be. Can’t even plants future fucks…there are no more to be given and I love him for it.

    THOTUS is so pissed that she is stuck with this Candy Corn Colored Czar that she isn’t even hiding it anymore. She was hoping his ass was impeached by now. Sorry, not sorry boo.

  15. […] already know Melania is in her head hating everything about her life at any given moment (read: Melania Trump is Still Wack But Her Hand Holding Block Game is Strong). The woman’s default look is Resting Regret Face. They both have their heads covered here but […]

  16. May 24, 2017 at 6:44 pm

    She’ll stay and he’ll pay. There’s a reason Mellie and son Barron stayed on in NYC rather than move it to D.C. Columbia Prep. where Barron studies has an excellent program for children with special needs and those on the spectrum. Just sayin’. ‘Splains a lot about the orange one’s behavior and lack of concentration and his need for short sentences and large print.

  17. Tawanda Harris
    May 25, 2017 at 6:34 am

    She will be put back on punishment and locked up in Cheeto tower until further notice or until her elasticity starts losing shape. I predict it will be a 90 day sentence unless there is a jail break and her ass escapes.

  18. […] We all know that Melania is disgusted by the fail whale she is legally bound to. We KNOW. We see it every time she winces when he touches her and when she refuses to hold his hand. We see it in her stupid squint that her soul dies a little bit every day she has to be attached to […]