Throwback Thursday

The Love Rug That Strokes: Throwback Thursday

Let me tell you something. Every generation has its shame, and ours is probably going to be the fact that placing your forearm on your forehead is a dance move and we dared to name it (The Dab). That, and anything Miley Cyrus has ever done.

The folks who grew up in the 60s and 70s had their fair share too. They majored in mad corny stuff, and they flaunted em. I came across a relic from the past and cackled to the sky. I present to you: The Love Rug.

Love Rug 2

Lawddd behold this aphrodisiac carpet, featuring sexy eyes from a guy I imagine is named “Dale.” Iunno why. I just take him to be a Dale.

If you can’t read the caption, let me help. It says:

“The Love Rug: Strokes your bodies as you make love. Once you feel the sensuous delight of the furry Love Rug, you’ll never go back to an ordinary bed again. As you stroke, it strokes. The incredible soft, furlike fibers caress your bodies from head to toe. It’s almost like having another lover there with the two of you.The Love Rug is as beautiful to look at as it is to feel. Only another animal of its stripe could tell it wasn’t real fur. Only $150 in your favorite fur texture. Choose Mink, Lynx or Jaguar. But be sure to order now.”

Ok I have questions, comments and feedback. PICK ME, TEACHER.

First of all, who was sitting around one day and thought what people were missing in their sex lives was a rug that would stroke them? They say you find success when you solve a problem that people have. Who knew that 3rd party stroking from a carpet was a problem Americans were having in order to properly get their cookies off? WHO???

And then, this Love Rug is promising a lot. It is over promising here, talmbout once folks feel it, they’ll never go back to making the secks on a bed again. Really? Because it is just so incredible that you’d look at your bed with disgust and disappointment. Your bed doesn’t “stroke as you stroke.” Which, I have concerns about that. Why do I need my carpet to stroke me? How lonely for touch and sensation were people? Apparently, the Love Rug turns your horizontal tango session into a threesome. Since the carpet is putting in work, it is considered a lover. I’m over here creeped out by the idea of it.
side-eye dog 3

Furthermore, get into it because even though it is not fur, they’re telling you that you ain’t gon be able to tell the difference. Real Minx, Jaquar and Lynx should be insulted by this strangerbish that is purporting to be their luxuriousness.

All I know is if you need a damb magic stroking carpet that strokes to please your partner, you’re hustling backwards. Aladdin ain’t ride around the world for the sex shaggy carpet.

I hope nobody was buying what Delectable Dale was tryna sell. I wonder who bought this Love Rug, though I bet Larry Flynt did. Because: obviously. Be still my tacky heart.

P.S. Ok one more question. How often are people cleaning their Love Rugs? Where does this rug stay? Because all that body juice and all those wet spots do not self-clean. Seriously. This thing is gross.

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  1. denise
    January 7, 2016 at 2:04 pm

    This falls under “things white people do.” And I will own up – found one of these IN THE ORIGINAL PACKAGING in my parents’ closet some years back. Never was able to look at them the same way again. Nuh-uh.

    • RonicaOne
      January 7, 2016 at 2:26 pm

      Nawh, no need for counseling either. It was in the original packaging, that indicated it was a joke gift. Enough said. No eye bleach needed.

    • Danielle
      January 7, 2016 at 2:33 pm

      I am so sorry that you had to discover that “gem” from the past, but I am glad it was in the original packaging. The story we shall stick to is they never used it. EVER. Amen.

  2. StellaOliver
    January 7, 2016 at 2:14 pm

    Both Dale and the love rug look like they’d leave you with a rash.

  3. vanitaapplebum
    January 7, 2016 at 2:27 pm

    The entire time I’m reading, I’m wondering if the rug is washable and if not, eeeuuuwwww.

  4. Kenyatta
    January 7, 2016 at 2:38 pm

    And why the hell it cost so much money?!? Is we going out to eat first before we have wild monkey sex with this blanket? Does it talk dirty to me and smack my ass? Its almost like paying an escort for favors. No maam

  5. CAPD
    January 7, 2016 at 2:42 pm

    100% thought that was David Hasselhoff

    • SKY
      January 7, 2016 at 3:47 pm

      Really? I got Will Ferrell.

    • Diva
      January 7, 2016 at 4:22 pm

      Me too!

      • SapphireCitrineAquamarine
        January 7, 2016 at 5:23 pm

        Me too! I totally thought it was Will Ferrell! I thought it was a movie poster at first!

  6. January 7, 2016 at 2:57 pm

    Why is it so expensive though? 150 dollas for a sex rug is quite pricey. Like how often will this “Love Rug” be used? I just can’t justify the price lol

  7. Brooklynluv11235
    January 7, 2016 at 3:05 pm

    OOOH the model was actually a famous porn actor from the 70’s and 80’s named Randy West! Not that I know anything about those sorts of things…

    • jimmy
      January 7, 2016 at 8:41 pm

      HAHAHA!!! I am side-eyeing the hell outta you right now!

    • Andrea Plaid
      January 8, 2016 at 12:05 am

      I’m your newest fan!

    • KeyLaBee623
      January 8, 2016 at 7:39 am

      Randy Randy and his Love Rug!!! I cannot stop cackling!!!

    • spinetingler
      January 13, 2016 at 1:33 pm

      Well, damn, now that I look again you are correct!

      “He has appeared in over 1,300 films, alongside an estimated 2,500 women co-stars.” No mention of how many appearances with a love rug.

  8. Vanessa197676
    January 7, 2016 at 3:09 pm

    $150 was a hella lot back in the 70’s. Who would pay that much for some fake fur????

  9. Marcia
    January 7, 2016 at 3:28 pm

    this was some straight up “after a night at Studio 54” action….money was thrown around (or snorted) without a care by that crowd

  10. January 7, 2016 at 5:03 pm

    Just when I think there could be nothing more entertaining…you bring forth this Laugh Till I Cried post. You are fabulous!

  11. SapphireCitrineAquamarine
    January 7, 2016 at 5:25 pm

    “Where does this rug stay? Because all that body juice and all those wet spots do not self-clean. Seriously. This thing is gross.”

    Hah! ‘Body juice’ made me spit out my Coke Classic!

    Thank you for waking me up while at work!

  12. January 7, 2016 at 8:29 pm

    $150!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I the 70’s????????????? BTW his name is probably Kyle.

  13. KayMee
    January 7, 2016 at 9:54 pm

    It’s $250 for the one that’s the same dimensions as a King Sized bed. You ain’t fitting that joint in a standard washer/dryer; thus it ain’t getting washed on the regular. Crispeeeee Stankeeeeee Nasteeeeeee!

    PS. Who the eff knows what real Lynx and Jaguar fur feel like on your naked booty to compare?

  14. Andrea Plaid
    January 8, 2016 at 12:12 am

    Luvvie, all I can say in (weak) defense is it was the 70s. It was all about the hair, from the huge ‘fros to Barry Gibbs’ mane to chest hair (think Burt Reynolds-level of man pates) to sexing on animal fur, fake and preferably real.

  15. Betty
    January 8, 2016 at 12:19 am

    I’m straight from the velvet pictures, men in tight assed jumpsuits. Nothing is they way it looked under disco lights 70s and I AIN’T NEVER SEEN NOR HEARD of this expensive piece of fake passed fur. Not in Chicago. Maybe California or East Coast. We were sexy, but not that sexy and nasty too. Yuck

  16. January 8, 2016 at 11:46 am

    The tears that I had was real. The struggle to not laugh extremely loud in my office was real. I think I almost suffocated myself by holding in this laughter. This. I needed this. Because: yes.

  17. laritaraine
    January 9, 2016 at 10:32 am

    Where is Randy now? Can he even get down on a rug if he wanted to?

  18. Cori Hoston
    January 14, 2016 at 7:07 pm

    I have questions… Does it vibrate?….I mean what kind of massaging are talking about?…I’m asking for a friend… Seriously.. Lol