7 Questions I Have About the Last Obama State of the Union Address
Since this was President Barack Obama’s last State of the Union address, I had hopes for him. Like I wrote on my column at TheGrio yesterday, I wanted him to go full Team Petty. Especially since his promo picture for it was this Dos Equis ad.
I just knew he was gon show up and show out. I said:
During the speech, I want him to talk about his haters, and how they’ve tried their best to be enemies of progress in this country. At which point, the camera needs to pan to Paul Ryan, Mitch McConnell and the rest of their Republican cohorts.
I want ‘Rack to roll up on that stage and tell Congress that they’ve been classless wonders, and that the rebounding economy is happening in spite – not because – of them. At which point, he then commands them to “get their sh*t together because I don’t have time.” This is when Democrats need to stand up and give him a standing ovation because they too should be sick of the shenanigans of the GOP and their new Tea Party overlords.
He did do some of that but not enough. Full-speed Petty Barack wasn’t in the building like I wanted him to be. There was shade thrown at his haters during the speech but I feel like he played it to safe when he didn’t really need to. He coulda gone all the way in and showed people how fuck-deficient he really is. He just showed speckles of it.
* Why does First Lady Michelle come to slay EACH AND EVERY single time?!? She showed up in this marigold dress that read as tangerine on screen and I hollered about her citrusy goodness.
When you flyer than the bald eagle!
LAWDT! FLOTUS Shellie don’t come to play but to slay! She told y’all she’s about to show off this FIGURE and y’all will deal. I LIVE.
* WHERE WAS THE THEME MUSIC FOR THE PRESIDENT AS HE ENTERED?!? COME ON, MAN! Y’all KNOW he deserves a hype intro. I really wanted him to stroll in to some Kendrick Lamar, so he could be HELLA Black and make the people there uncomfortable with his swagnificence. Such a lost opportunity.
* How cute is the bromance between President Obama and Vice President Joe Biden? I am convinced that they call each other up before major events and coordinate their #alphets in someway. Last night, they rocked matching diagonal stripes on their ties and I was swooning. I want someone to look at me like Joe Biden looks at President Obama. He always looks so proud. Like “You see him, you see me.” Uncle Joe was back there the entire time looking like he had plans to give Barry the world’s most legit chest bump the moment they were done. I love their love. They’re totally bestie goals. Their bromance game is stronger than the economy.
* How was I supposed to concentrate on the speech when Paul Ryan was behind the President looking like Dobby the House Elf after someone refused to throw him the sock they promised? How was I supposed to have peace when I knew exactly what Eddie Munster would look like as an adult? How was I supposed to function when his resting bitch face was such a distraction? He was so dour the entire time, clapping like twice. Ugh.
* Did anybody have to go to the gym today after all the standing ovations they gave the President? They were basically doing squats all night. Hamstrings gotta be on swole.
* What type of folder did President Obama put all the receipts he brought for his accomplishments? I think it was one of those accordion joints, since they were so plentiful. You know he notarized them too.
He talked about how he’s fixed the economy and gas is now under $2. And then when he devoted time to talking about how he’s been committed and continues to be ready to defeat terrorism, he let his inner Petty Wap out so proper. “If you wonder if I am committed, ask Osama Bin Laden.” ALL THE WELPS THAT EVER WELPED IN WELPCHESTER. I hollered for real! Come through then!
* Why didn’t the President dropkick the podium as he left? I had ONE wish and that was it. I wanted him to drop the mic and exit with a high five to Michelle and a dap routine to Uncle Joe. He didn’t though so I has the disappoint. I won’t lie.
BONUS question: WHO LET KIM DAVIS IN? Iunno but I already wrote about that. And the other questions I do have, about whether Miss Edith Childs won the evening? Well I already answered on another post. You should read my other post, in case you haven’t. Winning at SOTU: Miss Edith Childs. Losing: Kim Davis’ Mullet
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“How was I supposed to concentrate on the speech when Paul Ryan was behind the President looking like Dobby the House Elf after someone refused to throw him the sock they promised?” **DEAD**
“ALL THE WELPS THAT EVER WELPED IN WELPCHESTER.” – DYING!
I howled out loud from my desk and folks turned to see what had happened. Funniest, funniest ever.
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I need to know where Welpchester is? I hollered so! I howled! He did Shut it Down! Great Post!
First, your SOTU posts and tweets were the business. Thank you for all the cackles! And second, the Obama-Biden bestie fest gives me LIFE! I imagine the fab double dates the Obamas and Bidens go out on. On weekends at Camp David, I picture them having backyard BBQs with Uncle Joe at the grill and Lady Michelle bringing her famous potato salad with fresh organic herbs and vegetables from the White House garden. I am gonna miss them so hard.
One of the main reasons I made sure to watch the SOTU live was because I wanted to be sure I would get your posts today! “Their bromance game is stronger than the economy.” I cackled. Its totally true, I love them.
Joe Biden talked about how when his son Beau was ill, Obama was there and told him if that Beau had to stop working (and maybe lose everything on medical bills), Obama would be there to backstop the Bidens, whether friendship or finance. Talk about ride or die friends. Can you imagine Paul Ryan or any of the Republitards doing something like that?
You are my new favorite thing.
Yass, Kendrick Lamar love it
Right with you on Paul Ryan, but, for Sour Face of the night, may I also nominate Marco Rubio? That wanna’-play-with-the-grownups looked like a teensy child who had consumed an entire glass of sour milk by mistake and was trying his best to keep it down. Gawd help us.
The accuracy is almost literally painful.
I laughed so hard I woke my guy up. Lmbo. I noticed him looking like a sour patch kid too. Haha!
The Family Research Council, certified as a hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center because they throw tons of shade at gay folks, invited Kim “mullet head” Davis to the SOTU. How those mofu’s got tickets is the real story. Which republican lawmaker thought it would be a good idea to give tickets to the SOTU to the same folks who hired Josh Duggar?
“I want someone to look at me like Joe Biden looks at President Obama.” – Like FOR REAL FOR REAL! One day, Lawd! #relationshipgoals LOL
* How was I supposed to concentrate on the speech when Paul Ryan was behind the President looking like Dobby the House Elf after someone refused to throw him the sock they promised? How was I supposed to have peace when I knew exactly what Eddie Munster would look like as an adult? How was I supposed to function when his resting bitch face was such a distraction?…….THIS! OMG.!!!
Bae Michelle was up there shining like all kinds of buttery sunshine so her boo would know EXACTLY where his baby was when he looked up top. Barack was so deficient of damns that he definitely earned the right to all his confident smuggery.
Gurfren, you so wrong you right… I’m slain!
Well, I may not be your usual reader (white male, 66, top 2%), but I gotta say you nailed the President’s speech cold. So ashamed that Ryan is in any kind of leadership position.
But I need to ask…is Missy Michele trying to look 28, or is she living her kids’ life? She is a good looking woman who hasn’t aged in office like BO. Stylish, she is.
Love your work. Keep it up.
“I feel like he played it to safe when he didn’t really need to.” Seven years in, and this surprises you?