5 Things That Stay The Same in Your Life Because of Marriage Equality
Yesterday, the Illinois House of Representatives passed the bill that will allow same-sex couples to get married. My state is the 15th to be about that “freedom to marry” life and I fist-pumped. Love, and the ability to be pissed when you wake up to the same person’s cobweb breath everyday, should be for everyone.
GO ILLINOIS! GO RIGHTS! WHOOT!
Naturally, I saw comments from people who were quite butthurt about this, as if the quality of their lives were being affected. I wonder why some of you are so mad. I don’t understand. Us heteros aren’t quite rocking out this marriage thing so why are we so stingy about it? Let someone else have a turn at being great/meh/shitty at legal monogamy. Many use religion as their basis for being anti-marriage equality but I’m Christian and MY God is love.
So I’m here to present to you the things that will stay the same in your life now that same-sex marriage is becoming legal across the country.
Everything about your life RIGHT NOW will remain unaffected by gay people being able to wed.
2. The totality
Seriously. Nothing changes. Everything stays the same but change is constant. However, it’s not because Bill and Todd became husband and husband.
3. The entirety
Truly. And you know what else?
4. All the things.
5. The aggregation of the sum of the components of your entire life.
ALL OF IT. ALL THE THINGS REMAIN UNAFFECTED.
There is ONE thing that will change. For those of us with friends and family who are attracted to or got that agape love for someone of the same gender as them, we get to go to their awesome parties. Parties that you’re not invited to (-_-). So sit your scowling ass at home where you get to protect your heterosexuality. That way, you won’t catch THE GEIGH nor miss out on whatever blessing you think you get for being closed-minded and not supporting love.
I promise your light bill won’t go up now that Adam and Steve can hit their married swerve and Eve and Lillian can say “I do.”
The line at the DMV for marriage licenses might be slightly longer now but you have your iPhone to keep you company as you wait. Play “Candy Crush” or something.
In case you’re still confused, fellow straights, here’s two really cheap charts for you.
See? You’re ok. It’s gon be alright. Go take a nap and put some Tussin on it.
With that being said, please don’t bring craziness in my comments section because like a comedian on stage, I have the mic. I will win. Also, I will ban IP addresses with the quickness. If you disagree with me, do so respectfully. Don’t be all Westboro Baptist on my blog, bros.
Now, to my friends. Please know that I am partial to destination weddings. I already have 2 for 2014 so keep them coming. Thank you and that is all.