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Love and Athletes America Needs to Happen and Here’s the Cast

Lately, the sports world has been giving us the best tea. They might have me caring about who shot what ball over who’s net soon. Or not. But still. You gotta admit that athletes have been in the news more than usual for their off-the-court activities and how it’s affected their performance. And methinks VH1 needs to create the show “Love and Athletes America.” I’ve done the work for them too and figured out who should be on there.

Lance Armstrong – The dude was a cycling legend. He’s won hella Tour de Frances, beat cancer, dated Sheryl Crow and got hella folks rocking yellow rubber bands on their wrists. Lance was the dude. Keyword: WAS. He’s been found guilty of doping up, so all his titles have been stripped. Even his foundation has kicked him off the board, all the folks who signed him for endorsements have cut off his coins. Mr. Armstrong didn’t just fall from grace. NAWL. Dude tumbled and face-planted. So yeah, he must be on this show.

Lance Armstrong Fail

Same way we feel, Lance.

Why he’ll be good for the show: We’ll get to see the immediate aftermath of his tarnished reputation, and how he tries to fix it. I imagine sessions with Dr. Drew AND Iyanla, tryna get to the bottom of why he felt like he needed to use drugs to be an amazing athlete.

Tiger Woods – He might could win the title of tragicest mulatto. After cheating with fitty-elemen women, embarrassing his family name, and having his wife divorce him, Tiger is back. He’s tryna win his ex-wife’s love, with a $350 million anti-cheating clause. Wow. Dude needs the threat of a third of a billion dollars to keep his peen in his pants. Chile… womp.

Why he’ll be good for the show: We’ll see his attempts at courting his ex-wife, while she plays him to the left repeatedly. I can e’em imagine seeing Tiger do some ugly cries in the name of love, bearing those large teeth of his. I’m here for it.

Kris Humphries – He played the role of Mr. Kardashian unconvincingly for 72 days when he read TMZ and found out that his wife filed for divorce. He found out about his divorce the same way the rest of us did. Over a year later, he’s still in court trying to settle this divorce. The court case itself is about ten times longer than the marriage. How unfortunate.

Why he’ll be good for the show: We need to see what it’s like being Kris, who is more known for being Kim Kardashian’s publicity stunt than for being a basketball player. Also, how does he deal with the ego bruise?

Sammy Sosa – We all got a dark skinned friend who looks like Sammy Sosa. And we have a light skinned friend who looks like Sammy Sosa. The former Cubs player retired from baseball and thought we’d forget he used to be a dark Dominican man. Sammy got his hands on some bleaching cream and went to town on removing the melanin the good Lord blessed him with. Now he looks like Casper Garcia, the unfriendly ghost. Dude looks like he was meant to come haunt us all, along with our hopes and dreams.

sammy sosa dark light

This ain’t what Jesus wanted for you, Sammy.

Why he’ll be good for the show: We’ll get to see his morning routine, which probably involves slathering himself in bleaching cream and standing under the hot sun telling the rays to “come at him, bro.” And then I want Iyanla to ask him what his life is REALLY about.

Chad OchoCinco – Chad got into a relationship with Basketball Wives’ Evelyn Lozada and it quickly went to the altar. They got married last summer and the attention-starved couple live-tweeted it. And then soon after, scandal hits as Chad head butts Ev, sending her to the hospital for multiple stitches. Their marriage was barely two months old when it ended. On top of that, Chad got cut from his NFL team and he got shamed for being a woman beater. His 2012 kinda sucked. But now, him and Ev seem to be reconciling, after she lifted the restraining order she had on him. And then bought him expensive shoes for Christmas. Dysfunction likes company and publicity.

Why he’ll be good for the show: Well, Chad needs to pick up the pieces of his life and I wanna see what that’ll look like. Plus, him and Evelyn dating again will only prove to be drama and fodder for material. It’s too good. He can’t NOT be on there.

And last but not least?

Manti Te’o – I didn’t know who this dude was until yesterday when I found out his Catfish tale. So dude is a college football player who was in a relationship with some chick named Lennay Kay for a year. And then September 11 (or 12, or 14), she died of lymphoma, 8 months after getting into a massive car accident. And he played his game in her honor and was courageous and everyone clapped for him and stuff. GREAT STUFF. Except Lennay didn’t really exist. And everyone’s pointing to Manti’s friend Ronaiah as the person being Lennay. And folks are wondering how Manti didn’t know but there’s a good chance he really did know and it’s all a mess. Long story long, Te’o’s currently getting his wig dragged for this. The whole situation is fishier than Triton’s kingdom. When I read the story on DeadSpin, I was like:

WTF is this? gif

Serious WTF? The world is going to hell in a hand basket.

Why he’ll be good for the show: WHY ASK THIS??? For many reasons! We’ll get to see him try to explain how he had a relationship with someone he’d never met or seen on video for over a year. And then there’s the issue of his friend, who set this whole thing up. We mist see what the interaction between the two of them’s like. MUST. SEE. Because somebody’s LYING dinnamug.

But yeah, this would be an awesome show.

So there ya go. I already have 6 castmembers for Love & Athletes America. Who else should be on this show and why? Also, someone tell VH1 that I want some producing credits when they make this happen. Kthxbai.

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  1. Latoya
    January 17, 2013 at 7:19 am

    We need some females in the mix. Tonya Harding for hiring goons to go Sammy Sosa on Nancy Kerrigan nack in the day. And Marion Jones– You can add her to the steroid mix. She needs couch time with Drew and Iyanla too!

  2. Ambar P.
    January 17, 2013 at 8:07 am

    I understand that one person of a certain race, ethnicity or nationality does not represent all the people of said race, ethnicity or nationality but dammit as a Dominican, Sosa has shamed the hell out of me. It just embarrasses me especially since in the D.R. people already have issues with being Black and accepting that the majority of us just are not and never will be White. I personally do not have this problem and always proudly check Black on all my official forms (try this at a hospital and see how quickly those people get confused “So your half African American and Hispanic?” *gives side eye to these ignorant ass nurses and medical personnel) but to see my own people go through self hate and then have this dark skinned Dominican man make it to the top and basically show these poor, dark children back home that it is okay to be yourself and make it in life and then basically take alllll of that away is just sad. He has unfortunately brought the issue that has been poorly dealt with back in the D.R. to the forefront to be scrutinized by others when most Dominicans are just not ready to deal with it. Self hate is a serious suma bish.

  3. Serenity
    January 17, 2013 at 10:08 am

    I’d DVR it….

  4. ackn stoopid in public
    January 17, 2013 at 12:02 pm

    Girl! I am just tryin to get my lunch, I’m all out loud laughin in in this here gyro place!

    I too kinda just heard the catfish story and that just shows any body can get with anybody!
    Cha! I said it!

    He is a fit young dude with everything going for him and he is All In L.O.V.E. with a figment of his imagination!!!!

    All the while some real chick is standing on the sidelines, thinking she is too, skinny, fat, tall, black, white, whatever, for him!

    The world is going……ha!

    • Abena
      January 17, 2013 at 11:28 pm

      He was not catfished though. He claims in several reports that he met the girl after a game at stanford and his own father even said they met her when she vacationed in Hawaii. The public was catfished because we fell for it hook, lIne and sinker.

  5. nichole
    January 17, 2013 at 12:04 pm

    Terrell Owens: A talented wide receiver and you can focus on his talent as long as he keeps his mouth closed. Even with having successful years with the first three teams he was on, he couldn’t help bathmouthing someone whether it was the quarterback, the front office or the line.

    But his football life is nothing compared to his personal one. TO claims he’s broke. He’s made over $80M (yes, million) but has $0. He has had to sell his many homes and apartments at a loss. And he can’t find work. But his biggest issue is that he is being sued for child support by the four mothers of his four children.

    Besides Iyanla, call in Suze Orman too.

    • felicityrhode
      January 17, 2013 at 12:16 pm

      Yes TO would be the perfect addition to this foolishness.

      You can keep Suze, though. She irks my life.

  6. marge
    January 17, 2013 at 12:14 pm

    Now you KNOW Teo was working the Down Low. Because he can’t sit there and say they’ve talked on the phone for 8+ hours at a time and then say it was part of a scam. What girl was he talking to, then? And the only other party mentioned in all of this is a family-friend who happens to be male.

    It’s sad that society forces people to hide their true selves. Just come out with the truth, bruh! Or maybe it’s not that he’s on the DL it’s just that he wanted a sob story to amp up is rep? (If so, one shouldn’t mess with death)

    Like you said, Luv, the world’s going to H E double hockey sticks.

  7. ASNYC
    January 17, 2013 at 4:40 pm

    Te’o was NOT catfished. He claims to have met this woman on multiple occasions. According to him, they met in the parking lot of Stanford’s football stadium in 2009 and that she visited him more than once in Hawa’ii. I don’t think he was on the DL, I think he knew that as a defensive player his chances of winning the Heisman weren’t as good as that of an offensive player, so he amped it up by telling a sob story to appear “inspirational.” Notre Dame has a history of making shit up to make its football team seem more storied than it actually is (“Win one for the Gipper” and Rudy, for example). Te’o and ND were part of a massive fraud to draw attention to their program. Even according to their own account, Te’o “found out” that this was a hoax on December 6 and the school found out on December 26, but that never stopped them from letting the media run with this story through the BCS game. Alas! Te’o is getting run over again just like he did by the Alabama RBs.

    • LuckBALady
      January 18, 2013 at 1:14 am

      #Roll Tide

  8. Tiwaah
    January 17, 2013 at 11:35 pm

    I will add Michael Vick to the list.

    Talented football player who got involved with some dog fighting business and pissed off white folks and PETA. He did his time and got signed with a different team and seems to be doing O.K. The show will follow him as he finds his inner dog lover.

  9. M
    January 18, 2013 at 1:33 pm

    You forgot the obvious addition….Dennis Rodman. If he cross dresses that can appease the lack of women on the show 0_0…..

  10. January 19, 2013 at 9:59 pm

    I would watch this show. Don’t throw shoes/rotten tomatoes at me, but I wanna see what Reggie Bush is up to. Ya know, life after Kim K…maybe he and Kris will have a bromance on the show.

  11. Nette
    January 22, 2013 at 12:23 pm

    If you haven’t already, girl…please do a post on Anna Welker!