$100 Million ATM Receipt. *cries*

Mannnnnnn listen. I’m secure in my brokeness. If someone was to ever sue me, all they’d get is my collection of 130 pairs of shoes and 2 sacks of long-grained white rice. I got a pot to piss in but the window to throw it out is nailed shut. And I’m alright with that.

Then I saw this story on Gawker, with this picture. And I cried.

$100 Million ATM Receipt

*wall slide* *faints* I can't even count that high.

This rich bamma got almost $100 million. In his/her CHECKING ACCOUNT!!!

*faints* Just let me lay here for a minute.

How do you have $100 million in your checkings??? How much do you have in your savings? Prolly a gajillion dollars. I can’t even fathom this. If you cover the (99,864…) THEN you might have me on a rich day.

I just… LAWD!!!

And apparently, this receipt was found in the East Hamptons. Shooo… let it be me at the ATM. Whenever it asks me if I want a receipt, I be all “NAWL!” ATMs be plotting to murk my #selfofsteam. For realsies. THIS person was like “Hell yeah! Lemme see how many numbers you can print on paper.” Rich as ALL the dambs.

Lemme find out I need to take a leisurely stroll through the Hamptons. Maybe a thousand dollar bill will float in the air and slap me in my face. I WANNA BE DOWN!!!

*cries in my tea*

Money might not buy happiness but it surely can buy some nice shoes and jewelry for you to wear through your depression. Shiiidddd…

Y’all talk amongst yourselves. I’ll be too busy hopping off a first floor balcony unto soft grass to lament my pauper status. This $100 million ATM receipt just murked me. Am I the only one???

*Wall slide*

Update: They found out that the receipt belongs to some rich bastid dude named David Tepper, who does stuff around hedges and money blah blah blah. Excuse me as I go apply to be the person who remembers to always rip up his ATM receipts. lemme go update my LinkedIn.

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  1. June 29, 2011 at 3:15 pm

    Um…*joins you in the jump*

    • June 29, 2011 at 7:43 pm

      *holds your hand as we jump together and land on grass*

  2. Orga
    June 29, 2011 at 3:19 pm

    What. The. Monkey. Poo. Flinging. Hell. My soul is in mourning, and I don’t even know why. #AllBlackEverything

    • June 29, 2011 at 7:43 pm

      our soul can join mine in mourning.

    • June 30, 2011 at 9:47 pm

      Okay, you might have to copy right “what the monkey poo flinging hell”, I cracked up just reading that! LOL

  3. manda
    June 29, 2011 at 3:25 pm

    I thought I was the only one who hit “NO” for the receipt. THIS is how the rich stay rich. These bammas only took out $400 bucks. I guarantee if my bank ever makes a mistake by placing big stakes in my acct., I will move it into an offshore account so fast. Let me go plank at the nearest Buy and Bag.

    • June 29, 2011 at 7:43 pm

      Yeah I always hit “no.” I want NO parts of having the hard cold truth come to me in a 3 x 6 inch piece of paper.

  4. JusMe
    June 29, 2011 at 3:25 pm

    Aw man. Comma, comma, what? I don’t ask for a receipt either. Mine won’t have any commas. But yea, if my numbers looked like this, I’d be printing one too… Then again, let someone (like me) find this and find out exactly whose acct this is… Forgive me for I am about to rob them. I’m about that life… #lies. But I could date them for their money, male or female. I’ll fake it til I make it… #lies?

    • June 29, 2011 at 7:42 pm

      Gurl do what you gotta do. See them numbers? Shiiiii they can buy me whole and still get change

    • keisha brown
      June 30, 2011 at 8:52 am

      i aint never seen that many commas in my life!!!
      i might have that many numbers.. AFTER the decimal point! 😉

  5. LuckBALady
    June 29, 2011 at 3:41 pm

    One day, Lawd, one day…

    • June 29, 2011 at 7:35 pm

      AMEN!!! Lawd, you hear that? ONE DAY!!!

  6. B_keps
    June 29, 2011 at 3:48 pm

    “Money might not buy happiness but it surely can buy some nice shoes and jewelry for you to wear through your depression.” you dang right Luvvie. don’t make no damn sense. why i need atm receipts for? so my poverty can taunt me? no thanks. but this hooker just got all the numbers on the left side of her decimal point. she better had been smiling too. the hell you got to be sad about? like Bey-own-say said… “money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy comfort” *weeps in my tea with a saved teabag*

    • June 29, 2011 at 7:35 pm

      Richer than ALL. THE. DAMBS.

  7. amy
    June 29, 2011 at 3:50 pm

    Capitalist scum….will you marry me??

    • June 29, 2011 at 7:35 pm

      And allow me to be your concubine for a percent of your riches? Yes.

  8. June 29, 2011 at 3:54 pm

    I always hit NO too at the ATM, and some ATMs wanna be tricky and show you your balance on the screen, so I cover that embarrassing mess with my hand. Don’t remind me that I’m still broke! This receipt right here just upset alll the systems in my body. Lawd. *ugly cry*

    • June 29, 2011 at 7:34 pm

      Yeah folks ain’t gotta know I’m poorer than Tyrese’s spelling. SMH

  9. QueenBee
    June 29, 2011 at 3:55 pm

    I cant even….I just….OMG *faints* #lawdhammercy

    • June 29, 2011 at 7:34 pm

      *fans you*

  10. Jazz
    June 29, 2011 at 4:01 pm

    Shoot, I get excited if there is a few hundred in my account- let alone a number with a comma. That money sure would be nice… Wait a minute. All of that is at ONE bank? They must be breaking all kinds of rules to protect that money.

    In this case I would marry him for his money – so serious right now. Sir I hope you are down with the chocolate thickness…

    • June 29, 2011 at 7:33 pm

      Who you telling??? A few hundred and I bust out into a liturgical jig like no one’s business. This dude got $100 mil in his checkings. Chile…

  11. June 29, 2011 at 5:28 pm

    I’d like to prostitute for this person. Seriously. (LOL)

    • June 29, 2011 at 7:33 pm

      I won’t e’em judge you if you did.

  12. June 29, 2011 at 5:46 pm

    I must’ve dropped that in my rush 😐 *heh*

  13. LEXI
    June 29, 2011 at 8:56 pm

    shoooot luvvie you aint lied i dang on sure would like to sit on a 1 million and shop my woes away:-p shooot. where he at so he i can introduce him to coffee that needs his cream. mmhmm yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss! lol lemme stop but fareeal tho… lol

  14. June 30, 2011 at 9:26 am

    So this brought my day down to zero. And let me tell you I was so high because I’m ‘pose to be getting beverages with my chicas tonight and ish. Now all I can think about is hoarding my fifty cent pieces so one day I can live like a grown up and have fifty eleven dollars in my account. I curse the vaag he came out of a thousand times…yeah I know that’s hate. At the same time does he need a cucubine because I’m available. This hurt my heart!

  15. LB
    June 30, 2011 at 1:26 pm

    Yer Most Awesomelynessis?

    A Photoshop special.

    Anybody with that kind of jack isn’t wasting the possible earnings leaving that amount collecting 0.2% in some stupid “Interest Bearing” checking account.
    You make (semi)-wise, (fairly)-secure INVESTMENTS with amounts like that. That kind of cash comes with lawyers, investment accountants and (hopefully) good, solid investment advice.

    Hey, I don’t have income like that, and I don’t leave cash (one years worth of living is IT) un-invested. It’s hard enough to find decent returns with acceptable risks these days, without doing something stupid like leaving large amounts of straight-up liquid assets just sitting there doing nothing.

    I’m not buying this for a NYC Minute.

    L “Don’t waste my Annuities Income” B

    • June 30, 2011 at 7:49 pm

      This actually isn’t a photoshop special. This was on Dealbreaker.com, a site that reports on financial and wall street news. Sooo… believe it. And the dude whose receipt it was has been identified.

      • LB
        July 1, 2011 at 11:42 am

        Yer Most Beautiful Awesomelynessis,
        Nope. Not buying into this.
        Even an idiot like Kanye hasn’t really got jack like that to just sit it in a checking account.

        If it IS real (that’s still a big, huge maybe – remember this is the ‘Net, all things suspect) someone did it On Purpose.
        Lookin’ for the 15 seconds of fame their money couldn’t buy.

        If you’ve worked hard enough to actually earn and keep that kind of money, you don’t generally do Stupid with your money (personal items are another thing in life…). If this Dealbreaker.com has identified who the person is, it’s because the person WANTED to be indented; probably “came forward” lol. Any financial institution that would identify to the public a well-heeled client (or anybody really) off account numbers is gonna get rocked in court (or have to settle with cash before). These aren’t like public record disclosed holdings ya know, lol.

        The only possible exception would be a third generation inheritance type person, someone so spoiled and stupid they really might not know better. But even then, family lawyers are suppose to protect them from themselves (Dad and Mom should have locked most of it up as fairly untouchable without about 18 different approval signatures to insure the generational wealth thing).

        I luv’s ya like you were a Ducati 1098, but Ms. Luvvie, I ain’t buyin’ in to this as legit. It’s too incomprehensible for someone to be this stupid on purpose.

        L “Show me the Money!” B

        • DF
          July 3, 2011 at 3:42 pm

          Me either

        • theINTELLECT
          July 12, 2011 at 11:50 am

          I gotta agree with you. Besides everyone knows the FDIC only ensures up to $100,000 in a single or joint account. That person is play russian roulette with their money. But this post was funny.

  16. June 30, 2011 at 3:24 pm

    I am not mad at him at all!! I am mad that he paying $2.75 atm fee tho!!! o___O FOH

    In other news he isn’t good lookin’ so I guess it is a trade off….that and a small penis….

  17. Caress Lepore
    July 1, 2011 at 11:10 am

    I just looked at that receipt and fainted. I looked at it again and fainted some more when I realized that was only his savings account. *planks on the JC Penny’s clearance rack*

    • bpurpleb001
      July 24, 2011 at 2:11 pm

      Girl I’m plankin on the JC Penny’s clearance rack with the Bisou Bisou clothes on it *waves hi*

  18. DF
    July 3, 2011 at 3:41 pm

    I don’t buy into this, reason. Why a person with this type of money would put it into an everyday checking/saving acct drawing pennies on the dollar interest and it’s only insured for 50 thousand or maybe 100, on a checking or saving acct…With that kind of wealth you would have your money spread around. Not buying into it. I’m not made at the dollar amount, I could only dream of that type of money.

  19. July 6, 2011 at 2:31 pm

    But I wonder how much he wastes on ATM fees #doe. Those $2.75 a pop can add up. LOL!!!!!

  20. bpurpleb001
    July 24, 2011 at 2:15 pm

    I believe it. If they got that much to sit in checking just think about the gwap they got spread out elsewhere.

    I wonder if they believe in the mattress safe?

    *pulls black ski-cap over face enters through sliding glass door left unlocked by the maid*

  21. July 27, 2011 at 6:33 pm

    Hmph! I’d like to test whether money can buy ME happiness or not! Hmph!

  22. Erin
    January 8, 2014 at 11:51 am

    Man F that $2.75 ATM fee!! shit! LOL!!!