5 Ways Guys Club Wrong

So Labor Day just passed, which not only signifies that it is Cuddle Buddy season the weather is actively getting cooler, but it is the time when my homebody-ness becomes full-fledge. All the kicking it I do from May to August is about to wind down a little bit. Clubbing or going to lounges will not happen often. Folks will have to start giving me good reasons to come out.

However, my Summer went out with a bang this past weekend. A group of friends of mine threw a joint birthday party at a loft downtown. When I tell y’all folks kicked it? THEY KICKED IT! People with 401(k)s and children were doing face down, ass up. It was hilarious! Ratchetness ruled everything about that party. Good times were had by all. But what happens at parties that are packed with people and EVERYONE is dancing like they’re getting paid in singles? It. GETS. HOT. It was so hot that I stood in one spot and barely moved, but was still sweating like T.I. in a car full of… Oh. No? Fine.

Anywho, being in the club reminded of ways people club wrong. By people, I mean fellas. The women were pretty much in check. Everyone came ready to juke! Allow me to pick on the fellas in this post. Why? Because I feel like it.

How does one club wrong, you say? Well, there are many ways. Apparently, fellas need a rulebook on clubbing. I’m not here to write such a manual but I will give you a tip sheet.

5 Ways Fellas Club Wrong

Wear sweaters and other equally hot pieces of clothing

I took a picture of this on my phone a while back. This dude is in the club in a white tee with his social media URLs on his tshirt. Sir, you are not someone I want to connect with. And of course, he's on MySpace O__o.

I’ve went clubbing and seen a guy in an outfit that was 3 layers. This already sounds like A MESS. But add to that, the fact that it was in July. Summertime. SIR! Why do you have on a button up shirt, sweater vest and a BLAZER?!? Where are you going? Are you trying to wear ALL the clothes in your closet at once? Like on that ep of “Friends” where Joey put on all of Chandler’s clothes. I was just so curious that I walked up to him (true story), tapped him on the shoulder and asked

“Question. Are you hot?”
Him: “No it actually keeps me cool.”
Me: O___O *walks away*

He a GAHTDAMB lie! I had on a sleeveless dress and I was steaming. This party I went to on Saturday had NO shortage of dudes that were dressed for the wrong season and occasion. Some dude next to me was rocking a leather jacket. A LEATHER JACKET??? It was 5 degrees hotter than hell in that party and you have on leather??? The cow whose hide they used for that jacket is somewhere like “Who turned the heat up?” And the countless amount of dudes that had on cardigans in that piece made no sense. I need them all to go saddown. Looking at them made me sweat even more. Just disrespectful.

Wear sunglasses in the club

It’s midnight. The sun bid us all adieu 5 hours before. It’s super dark in the club. And you have on sunglasses. Please go SADDOWN! I can barely see in the place and you have on shades so I know your eyesight is on legally blind mode. You don’t look cool either. You look like a douchebag. Take the glasses off so you won’t need your boys to tell you that the girl you’re dancing with looks like 50 Cent ’bout the face.

Wear bluetooth headsets

The music is at 200 decibels. It’s so loud that your eardrums will vibrate for 30 minutes AFTER you leave the club. So praytell, who is calling you that necessitates walking around the club with your bluetooth headset on? Once again, you don’t look cool buddy. You look like you’re ultra-geeked about decade old technology. And like a douchebag. That flashing blue light is like the symbol for ultimate douchebaggery. Next to super gelled Jersey Shore hair and orange spray tans.

GERROUT my ear and please go that way ------->

Have horrid breaths and whisper in women’s ears

When dudes drink all this alcohol (especially beer), after some time, their breaths can start smelling like feet and despair. Odds are they’re also drunk at this point. That is the WRONG time to make that move on the girl you’ve been eyeing all night. I understand that alcohol can be liquid courage but still. No parts of impressing a girl comes with making her eyelashes curl. If the girl you’re talking to keeps wincing, just bow out gracefully and go away.

Don’t take no for an answer

Guy: *comes behind me and starts dry humping*
Me: *looks back* *side-eye* *moves forward away from him*
Guy: You don’t want to dance?
Me: No thanks. I’m good.
Guy: Why don’t you want to dance?
Me: “It’s too hot in here right now so I’m cooling off.
Guy: Well can we talk?
Me: No I’m good.
Guy: You must have a boyfriend or husband.
Me: *smiles* *looks away with total disinterest*
Guy: Well can I have your number? We can just be friends?
Me: No I’m good. I don’t give out my number. 😐
Guy: Why not?
Me: *mean mugging at this point* >:-| I just don’t. Have a nice night. O__O
Guy: Why are you acting like this?
Me: *throws self off club podium*

DUDES! Know when to say WHEN! That is all. And yes, this actually happened to me. Multiple times. And they’re usually Nigerian men, who seem to think “No” means “keep trying.” GERROUT MY FACE! Ijot!

What needs to be included in this list? Which one is your biggest pet peeve? Fellas, have you been guilty of any of these? It’s ok. Admit it.

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  1. September 8, 2010 at 8:41 am

    Under the ‘Don’t take No for an answer’ there should be a subtitle of ‘Random unnecessary touching or gesturing’. Especially if you have a certain body part that is quite noticeable, Superglue Guys (Once they stick…) seem to be drawn to it and in some instants pretend to bump into you, so they can touch it.
    Homey, two seconds ago your arms were in the air. God may have given you quick reflexes, but curses will still catch you, no matter how fast you run T_T

    • September 8, 2010 at 8:22 pm

      LMAO!!! Yessss! I just be ready to go off like “LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!” Ugh. Wackness.

  2. Kay
    September 8, 2010 at 8:41 am

    I’m super early on this….it’s a shame that I’m bored at work at 8am..anywho….I CAN NOT STAND BLUE TOOTH HEAD SETS!! You look like a complete and total idiot and that goes for the ladies also…leave that shit in the car! I hate when people constantly check their phone also. If you expecting a call that bad, stay yo dumb ass at home! Just want everyone to see your new touch screen Virgin Mobile…..

  3. Capricorn
    September 8, 2010 at 8:46 am

    Can we kill the dry hump? GROWN ass people should not be using the dry hump as a way to say hello, lets dance. WTF? We are not in 6th grade!!

    • September 8, 2010 at 8:22 pm

      RIGHT!!! That is just annoying as hell to me. And offensive. I do not want to grind on ur nethers. Back up off me!

  4. September 8, 2010 at 10:55 am

    Guys, please retire the line, “Smile. Why you looking so mean”. The hell? I was hoping it would deter you from bringing your corny azz over here. Guess not.

    • September 8, 2010 at 8:23 pm

      WORD. LIFE!

  5. krocka
    September 8, 2010 at 2:10 pm

    i HATE, HATE, HATE sunglasses in the club! you are not diddy…there is no papparazzi trying to snap yo’ photo! i just saw this friday night in hyde park….when i see it, i just ask guys (or even their friends), “sooo, why do you have sunglasses on?”. or their friends, “why yo’ boy rocking shades in the club?”

    haven’t gotten an answer yet….

  6. Heaven
    September 8, 2010 at 2:56 pm

    Fellas, don’t ask stupid questions or say stupid lines to start a conversation! Example – if I’m fanning myself with the bar napkins depserately trying to stir up a breeze in front of my face, don’t walk up and say “you look like you’re hot.” Nawwww, ya think?

    • September 8, 2010 at 6:20 pm

      Goofy ol’ Inspector Obviouses

  7. Atiya
    September 8, 2010 at 8:56 pm

    Lmao…you are so funny! Its a damn shame when the fellas can be guilty of all this at once. I think its the worse when someone is dressed like they’re freezing in the Artic, end up smelling like they were playing on the playground, and then wanna slow grind with their arms around your neck, or throw their hands in the air and wave them like they just don’t care that their azz is funky as hell. And plz oh plz stop sweating all over me. I hate being hot as a Thanksgiving Day’s oven all by my lonesome, but with you sweating on me like a Turkey Day ham wrapped in foil…Don’t do me like that brah, don’t do me like that!

  8. Satya
    September 8, 2010 at 10:46 pm

    LMAO at the wearing of hot clothing. My last ex had on a long sleeve shirt and sweater vest in the club when I met him. My roommate and I were cutting on him, but his height won me over lol.

  9. September 8, 2010 at 11:35 pm

    I don’t drink. If I say “no thank you” don’t continue to bug me. Don’t try to ask me 50-11 questions why I don’t drink. Go bother a Nicki Minaj wannabe.

  10. September 9, 2010 at 12:47 am

    I hate when a dude dances w me and tries to make conversation. *shake, shake* YELLING: So, what’s your name? *shake, shake* Ugh. Save the small talk for when you buy me a cocktail.

  11. September 9, 2010 at 2:24 pm

    Guys wearing layers in the club: I’ve had guys say the extra layers hide the sweat spots and sweat funk. Can’t knock that logic.

    Bluetooths – forget the club, what about these folks who wear them to the movies? Fool, this is not a 3D sci-fi movie and you are not a cyborg. Put it away.

    I had a guy talk to me with breath so bad my afro turned into a relaxer. Okay, that wasn’t true, but my eyes started watering like I got pepper sprayed. *falls out*

    • September 9, 2010 at 3:26 pm

      Yes I can knock that logic. Wearing THREE layers? Of course u gon have sweat stains. U dress like Jaba the hut. Yeah bluetooths as ear decoration when not on the phone are just for douchebags anyway. And bout the breath? You has my sympathies.

  12. thedude
    September 9, 2010 at 3:03 pm

    Chicks going to clubs and then NOT dancing is just misleading. So after we build up the courage to go rub our penis on your booty, and you step away, thats like a slap in the face. Its saying “I’m here to dance, but not with YOU and not with YOUR penis.” And it leads to a chain reaction, chich may or may not be specific to me, but to which i will give an accurate account:

    You gotta realize, approaching the booty in the club is a whole thing. When we’re approaching, we’re already in “stuntin-gotta-look-good-mode”. So by the time you start feeling us grind, there are already a few people casually looking (curious females who want to see if i’m smooth, dudes who wanted to dance with the chick but didnt have the courage, etc)

    So in the event of a booty-peen diss, i feel like all the other chicks just saw you move your booty away when i tried to grind on it, and so they might think i’m wack or cant dance or something.

    So now if i walk away, i’m admitting defeat and i’ll have to retreat into the crowd or to the bathroom to save face. cuz what other girl is gonna want a dude that other chicks wont dance with? I basically LOSE an entire song.

    Could at least give us half a song. Its just a penis. Its usually separated from direct physical contact by at least 2 layers of clothing.

    The only thing worse than a chick moving away when you try to dance with her is the chick with the big booty that you know you cant handle, but you get on it anyway, and she knocks you back and you lose your balance. When trying to regain our balance, we look mad wack.

    • September 9, 2010 at 3:24 pm

      This was a true tome.

  13. September 14, 2010 at 6:06 am

    The majority of the guys have no style, and americans are no seducers! european guys are hot!

  14. legitimate_soul
    September 15, 2010 at 4:35 pm

    1. In DC I used to see dudes in a hot club with a fur on. Let the roasting begin *rimshot*(literally and figuratively)!

    2. Guys with the bluetooth walking around all willy nilly remind me of the Borg from Star Trek.

    3. I’m a little older than you, Luvvie, but I remember a time when dudes used to mob to the club with a Charm Pop or something to A. Look sexy with the oral fixation and tongue-work B. Cover bad breath.

  15. September 20, 2010 at 9:37 pm

    I SWEAR you transcribed that club convo right from my life, out of the folder named “Any Damn Night @ the Club.”

    & I’m still on the floor waiting for the ambulance to come rescue me from “their breaths can start smelling like feet & despair.”

    iCant take that at all. No ma’am, iCannot.

  16. bogart4017
    September 22, 2010 at 2:00 pm

    What a mental image! Glad i abandoned that club thing years ago. If i had seen any of the things you guys describe i would have quit earlier and joined a cult. And that lollipop thing? I wouldve fallen off my chair and thought Ghostface Killah was in the house. Forget it. Back in the day there was no high-posting, no dark glasses (so stupid), no phones, and no three-layer outfits. Even the three-piecers at the door broke it down to open collar when the hot song came on!

  17. Avi
    October 1, 2010 at 12:23 am

    Wow When it comes to the guy still asking questions after sayin no, I had that problem yesterday. I’m standing at the bus stop waiting and I’m already pissed fro being late for class. This guy dark on one crutch kept looking at me in the first place then decides to come up to me. OMGG
    Him: Hi, What’s your name?
    Me: I don;t give my name out to strangers.
    Him: ooo plz tell me your name. What’s your name?
    Me: NO I’m not.
    Him: Plz plz plz plz tell me ya name I wanna kno
    Me: (Knowing that I’m waiting for the bus I just stand there and be nice) NOOOOOOOOOOOO
    Him: why won;t you tell me ya name *With accent*
    plz plz plz 20 times. ok Well I like your shirt.
    Me: *I look at him and smile and look away mad*
    Him: I like your bag too (I had a bookbag on)
    Me: *Steps away from him nervous* okkkkkk
    Him:Do you have a bf?
    Me: yes *That’s the truth*
    Him: o you lying gurls always say that
    Me: Well I’m telling the truth I don’t lie
    Him: Can i get ur number so we can be friends?
    Me: NOOOOOO esp not after all the crap you just asked me and did
    Him: ok take mines

    I say no. I can’t believe I stood there and took it but it’s like if i moved he’ll follow so I thought he would leave after my 4th No. Gosh. I thought he was gonna take my bag. thought he was fakin the crutch thing cuz who says I like ur bag. Called my bf after and let him kno wat happened. lol Can’t stand men who don’t take no as an answer.