Jesus Had Haters. You Have Side-eye Givers

You know who annoys the heck outta me? People who always talk about how they got haters. REGLASS people too. If I come across one more Facebook status talmbout “Haters are mad right now. They see me up there.” What haters? Up where? Who are you? Why are you on my friends’ list?

If your status message on Facebook is currently talmbout someone hating on you, please go have a seat. There’s no big plot against you. You’re just not that important. You having a “hater” doesn’t mean you’re a big deal. Everyone has a “hater.” Yours aren’t significant enough to warrant that dumbass status message. though. In fact, you DON’T have haters. You have people who give you the side-eye. O_o

Like really. If you call yourself an adult and STAY talmbout your “haters,” you need a hobby. Or go cash in your 401(k) or something because you clearly need a vacay. Sorry. Adults with benefits shouldn’t have time to be worried about these imaginary ass naysayers. They’re on the TRUE grustle (grind and hustle).

hi hater

All these belligerent dummies talmbout “You aint nobody unless you got a hater.” If you ASPIRE to have haters because it’s your way of validation, I hope a plague of Gigli marathons on you. Besides fool, you ain’t got no BENEFITS! What are folks hating on? Is it your collection of tshirts?

What’s even worse is when people say “Even Jesus had haters.” I just wanna roundhouse kick them in the thoat (yes, THOAT). Only thing they got in common with Christ is ATOMIC MAKEUP. Yes, Jesus had haters, but YOU don’t. You just have people who don’t give four dambs about your life so you’re mad. There’s a difference.

Jesus had haters. YOU ain’t got haters. Judas was a hater. The dude in the club that was hitting on your woman is NOT a hater. A slore, maybe. A hater? Nawl.

Jesus is prolly somewhere like “I wish these folks could know what having a TRUE hater was like. They NAILED ME ON A CROSS! You fools ain’t got haters. My hater got me CRUCIFIED! Yours got your name scratched off the club VIP list. My hater made me wear a crown of thorns! Thou shalt saddown.”

Haters Gon Hate Snow white gif

Everyone has a naysayer. Everyone doesn’t have a “hater.” To have a hater, you gotta actually be… how can I say this… DOING SOMETHING. MLK Jr. and the Black Panther had haters. You just got folks who are apathetic about your mediocre life. The following people also had haters: Joan of Arc, JFK, Archduke Ferdinand, Bobby Seals, Assata Shakur, Malcolm X. You don’t have a hater. You just have people who couldn’t care LESS bout your subpar-hood, and find your ratchetness to be ridiculous. Please know they are separate entities.

People who think they’ve got “haters” watching them have seen the Truman Show one too many times. Your life isn’t THAT interesting. People who focus on their “haters” have my side-eye on 10! For you to have a hater, your mama can’t be the only person who thinks you’re dope. She’ont count. OTHERS must gibbadamb too. #JustSaying

No I don’t see you. Wearing these on your feet STILL doesn’t make you important. In fact, for you to go get them customized means your shaky ass pedestal needs to be kicked. (I found these HERE. If any of y’all buy a pair, I demand a pic so I can roast you.)

The following people are disqualified from ever saying they have “haters:”

  • If you need a co-signer to get a PayDay loan, you dont qualify as having “haters.” You need good credit to have a hater. #YupItsTrue
  • If you have a myspace page talmbout “I got haters” please press ctrl, alt, del and forcefully log off the innawebs.
  • If you’re a grown man still living with your mama, you ain’t got haters. You’ve got people who are CONCERNED about your social development because something’s wrong.
  • If you have multiple baby mamas in the SAME YEAR, you don’t have haters. You have folks concerned about public health because you don’t use condoms. Ghetto twins are NOT what’s lukewarm in the boulevard.
  • If the ONLY job you have pays you by cash, you don’t have haters. You have people wondering why your grown ass doesn’t wanna leave a trace.
  • If you call yourself a business man, but dont nobody know what you do like Tommy from Martin, you ain’t got haters. You’ve got inquisitors.
  • If you’re always rocking Louis Vuitton but still sleeping on your BFF’s couch, you’ont got haters. You got folks concerned about your unbalanced economics.
  • If you’re a grown woman calling yourself “Barbie,” you don’t have haters. You have people who are perplexed about your maturity, and wondering what stage on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs you’re stuck on.

If any of the above applies to you, you are not allowed to talk about having “haters” because they don’t exist. You just have an overactive imagination and watched too much Barney growing up. Go saddown and quit harping on these “haters” you ain’t got. Maybe if you cared less about these haters, you’d have something to hate on. POW!

There are few things more annoying than someone whose life is PERMEATED by mediocrity, thinking they’re important enough for haters.

P.S. I’m not a hater, I just roast a lot.

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  1. @MsGiaRenee
    March 15, 2010 at 5:50 am

    yaaaaasss! this post is giving me LIFE. you BEST BELIEVE i posted this on facebook! you betta preach luvvie!

  2. @thefabgiver
    March 15, 2010 at 6:36 am

    Ugh…I hate everythng about those dumb ass Ones. My fav point is the one saying that if you got Project Twins, do not say people are hating on you (summarized, of course). Get yo rant on!

  3. @Serenitiye
    March 15, 2010 at 9:07 am

    Thank you for gettin it said! I'm equally annoyed at the Facebook psychics who "just know" that every status is directed towards them, the twitter stalkers who ONLY follow to see if people are"saying something about them", and the internet thugs who declare war and start lengthy email battles with people who have NO idea where their theories are coming from. All these fools sound like Rockwell and MJ, feeling like EVERYBODY watching them. Get you some fake geico money eyes and press on.

    • MsZ
      April 15, 2014 at 2:43 pm

      Fake Geico money eyes?!? Done.

  4. Reecie
    March 15, 2010 at 1:17 pm

    I absolutely agree with you. I've been saying this for awhile now. and I hate the phrase "let your haters be your motivators" ugh. great blog post.

  5. Creole26
    March 15, 2010 at 1:18 pm

    Girl, yes! All those damn self esteem lessons in elementary have gone straight to these fool's heads!

    Talmbout,''I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me''
    NAWL, we just want you to shut the hell up!

  6. whit
    March 15, 2010 at 1:48 pm

    Once again, you hit it right on the head. I was JUST thinking about this nonsense while checking tweets last week. I'm like REALLY? Who actually enjoys having haters? Do you REALLY even have haters? STFU. Anyways, thanks once again. This is how I start my day…erryday!

  7. @dinastyinc
    March 15, 2010 at 3:11 pm

    #OMG, I'm linking this to my Facebook RIGHT NOW! People need to see this LOL.

    March 15, 2010 at 3:19 pm

    YAAASSS!!! I can't even tell how I eerie that I was reading this in my voice as I would say it… because I have a 1001 GAH DAMN times. Jesus Wept at these people talmbout they have haters. GO SADDOWN Please and mugafuggin thanks and shit, sorry you aren't that relevant to have haters. Sigh and Sadness

    March 15, 2010 at 3:20 pm

    YAAASSS!!! I can't even tell how eerie that it was that I was reading this in my voice as I would say it… because I have a 1001 GAH DAMN times. Jesus Wept at these people talmbout they have haters. GO SADDOWN Please and mugafuggin thanks and shit, sorry you aren't that relevant to have haters. Sigh and Sadness

    Great Blog!

  10. @skyemetafrog
    March 15, 2010 at 3:25 pm

    "There are few things more annoying than someone whose life is PERMEATED by mediocrity, thinking they're important enough for haters."


    Loved this post.

  11. @WatchMeWerkk
    March 15, 2010 at 3:36 pm

    Ha! Ghetto Twins! I love it.

    How about Ghetto Triplets though?! A set of twins and a single, less than 2 months apart!

    And he would probably be one of the people wearing those shoes talking about somebody hating on his "shoe game."

  12. Mal LaSalle
    March 15, 2010 at 3:48 pm

    bwahahaha!! Love, love, love it.

  13. The stuff
    March 15, 2010 at 7:15 pm

    I know someone who had ghetto triplets with 3 different girls. Then had the stupidity to have a 4th kid the next year with the first baby momma. The sad thing about the situation is the baby momma just died suddenly. Now his mother is raising all his kids.

  14. Mick-Mick
    March 15, 2010 at 7:48 pm

    Thank you! That is my number one pet peeve! People stay on my nerves with this b.s. I have a niece that is always doing a Facebook Rant against her "haters". If she only knew how idiotic she looked. I had to disassociate myself from that ol' bull by defriending her. But I can still read her "wall foolishness" 'cause she didn't secure her page. *side eye*

  15. Dreezy
    March 15, 2010 at 10:32 pm

    LMAO @ Ghetto Twins!!

  16. Lexxaye
    March 15, 2010 at 11:42 pm

    -faints- @ "dunlap syndrome" AHH! Anywho, I give this post 4 thumbs up!

  17. @thepbg
    March 16, 2010 at 12:38 am

    I promise you that phrase grates my very SOUL!!! Ugh!!

  18. @thepbg
    March 16, 2010 at 12:41 am

    I see this "haters syndrome" all the time. I even made a Youtube video about it. You know what I tell these insignificant fools? "Don't nobody hate yo' wack azz!"

    Why does it have to be hate anyway? How about they're just lame and offer nothing to society?

  19. Luvvie
    March 16, 2010 at 5:10 pm

    😀 Yesss… spread the gospel of "You aint got no haters" far and wide

  20. Luvvie
    March 16, 2010 at 5:10 pm

    GURL!!! Project Twins make my side-eye be on 10!

  21. Luvvie
    March 16, 2010 at 6:19 pm

    Not the FB psychics! They STAY thinking everyone's talmbout them. I just be wanting to say "BISH PLEASE!"

  22. Luvvie
    March 16, 2010 at 6:47 pm

    Yeah that is wompalicious and wack. If u need "haters" to be motivated, u also need to be dropkicked.

  23. Luvvie
    March 16, 2010 at 6:47 pm

    "NAWL, we just want you to shut the hell up! "


  24. Luvvie
    March 16, 2010 at 6:47 pm

    Glad to have you, Whit!!! 😀

  25. Luvvie
    March 16, 2010 at 6:48 pm

    YESSSSSS!!! 😀

  26. Luvvie
    March 16, 2010 at 6:48 pm

    Thanks chica!

  27. Luvvie
    March 16, 2010 at 6:48 pm


  28. Luvvie
    March 16, 2010 at 6:48 pm

    GHETTO TRIPLETS????? *faints* LAWD!!!

  29. Luvvie
    March 16, 2010 at 6:49 pm

    *faints* This is too much f*ckery for me to even deal with. iCan't.

  30. Luvvie
    March 16, 2010 at 6:49 pm

    Thank ya kindlay

  31. Luvvie
    March 16, 2010 at 6:49 pm

    See? That's why I gotta minimally check my urban youth cousins' FB account. Too ratchet for me

  32. Luvvie
    March 16, 2010 at 6:49 pm

    For realsies

  33. Luvvie
    March 16, 2010 at 6:50 pm

    Wow you musta borrowed other thumbs to give me 4 thumbs up. I am honored 🙂

  34. Luvvie
    March 16, 2010 at 6:50 pm

    Because that'd be too much like right

  35. Luvologist
    March 16, 2010 at 7:15 pm

    The Luvologist got haters because he speaks in third person every now and then.

    ((cricket sounds))

    People who mention they have haters just need attention. Poor things.

    Funny thing…as I was scanning around Twitter earlier today I realized there were more "Barbies" out there than there are in Toys R Us. What's up with that?

  36. @CoCoDivalicious
    March 16, 2010 at 7:43 pm

    (Bro. Franklin offering dance into Leyomi drop off the Brooklyn Bridge) YAAAASSSS!! Girl, you have kilt and resurrected me three times. I loves you Luvvie!! Took the words right out my MOUF!!

  37. Tiffany
    March 16, 2010 at 10:29 pm

    Lol, that cracks me up because when I think about it, I run into someone everyday that says something about having a hater.


  38. May 26, 2010 at 5:47 pm

    I like this so much. So, so true! I have no haters, I know them none. [^^,]

  39. July 3, 2010 at 9:13 pm

    best sh*t in the history of ever

  40. July 3, 2010 at 9:32 pm

    LMAO This post is so full of WIN. Hilarious and oh so true.

  41. Shaquanna Cole
    August 8, 2010 at 10:10 pm

    This is so freaking true. people think just because they got Facebook that they are successful and worthy of haters. This is the best piece of blog writing ever. I envy you lol

  42. krocka
    August 31, 2010 at 10:45 am

    love it!

  43. July 28, 2011 at 2:18 am

    I know I am late as allllllllllllllll hell…but this post gave me life 1000 times over! Thank you thank you thank you…

  44. May 15, 2013 at 10:20 am

    I am SO late to this post. I need to share this Facebook RIGHT NOW. It is still so relevant and you wrote this THREE YEARS AGO!!! Awesomeness!.

  45. […] be extra jollof rice to celebrate this one. IF YOU ARE SHADING OUR BLOOD RELATION, I REBUKE YOU! Jesus had haters too. […]

  46. Dorian
    April 15, 2014 at 2:10 pm

    Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs though?! Haaaaaaaaa!

  47. Bobbie C
    April 15, 2014 at 2:17 pm

    Thank you for this!!!! Gonna post this on FB and see who bites lol.

  48. SeeChelle
    April 15, 2014 at 2:35 pm

    “wondering what stage on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs you’re stuck on” . . . . I don’t use that BA in Psychology for NATHIN, you just made the 7 years and the $60K in student debt worth it. Thank you Luvvie!

  49. Jonn The Most
    April 15, 2014 at 3:43 pm PREACH Luvvie. #StandsUpSwaysAndClaps

  50. Ivett
    April 15, 2014 at 4:24 pm

    Luvvie you just simply be killing me…God did grace you with the eloquence of fine writing and articulating yourself so beautifully…….Bless your soul girl….fresh breath of air…luv luv ya….still dying at “You have people who are perplexed about your maturity, and wondering what stage on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs you’re stuck on.” I”m sure some will have to look this up to understand… lol

  51. Nicole
    April 15, 2014 at 5:10 pm

    “I’m not a hater, I just roast a lot”
    love it

  52. Shakira
    April 16, 2014 at 1:12 am

    Whenever I hear someone talmbout they have haters, I feel like punching them square in the face. And after that sayin “hate on THAT shit!”. Lawd it drives me up the wall!

  53. […] so I must implore you–for the sake of the rest of us–to please get over yourself! As Luvvie put it: “Jesus had haters…you have side-eye givers.” Most of us are not […]

  54. […] my friends asked me if I was seriously rocking them proudly because if I was, he be ashamed of me. Jesus had haters too. […]

  55. August 13, 2015 at 3:24 pm

    This post gave me my ENTIRE life! I posted something similar on my blog last week. I want to tell them to have several seats, a love seat, couch and chaise. You are hilarious and definitely part of the highlights of my day. Keep doing what you do!