Jesus Had Haters. You Have Side-eye Givers
You know who annoys the heck outta me? People who always talk about how they got haters. REGLASS people too. If I come across one more Facebook status talmbout “Haters are mad right now. They see me up there.” What haters? Up where? Who are you? Why are you on my friends’ list?
If your status message on Facebook is currently talmbout someone hating on you, please go have a seat. There’s no big plot against you. You’re just not that important. You having a “hater” doesn’t mean you’re a big deal. Everyone has a “hater.” Yours aren’t significant enough to warrant that dumbass status message. though. In fact, you DON’T have haters. You have people who give you the side-eye. O_o
Like really. If you call yourself an adult and STAY talmbout your “haters,” you need a hobby. Or go cash in your 401(k) or something because you clearly need a vacay. Sorry. Adults with benefits shouldn’t have time to be worried about these imaginary ass naysayers. They’re on the TRUE grustle (grind and hustle).
All these belligerent dummies talmbout “You aint nobody unless you got a hater.” If you ASPIRE to have haters because it’s your way of validation, I hope a plague of Gigli marathons on you. Besides fool, you ain’t got no BENEFITS! What are folks hating on? Is it your collection of tshirts?
What’s even worse is when people say “Even Jesus had haters.” I just wanna roundhouse kick them in the thoat (yes, THOAT). Only thing they got in common with Christ is ATOMIC MAKEUP. Yes, Jesus had haters, but YOU don’t. You just have people who don’t give four dambs about your life so you’re mad. There’s a difference.
Jesus had haters. YOU ain’t got haters. Judas was a hater. The dude in the club that was hitting on your woman is NOT a hater. A slore, maybe. A hater? Nawl.
Jesus is prolly somewhere like “I wish these folks could know what having a TRUE hater was like. They NAILED ME ON A CROSS! You fools ain’t got haters. My hater got me CRUCIFIED! Yours got your name scratched off the club VIP list. My hater made me wear a crown of thorns! Thou shalt saddown.”
Everyone has a naysayer. Everyone doesn’t have a “hater.” To have a hater, you gotta actually be… how can I say this… DOING SOMETHING. MLK Jr. and the Black Panther had haters. You just got folks who are apathetic about your mediocre life. The following people also had haters: Joan of Arc, JFK, Archduke Ferdinand, Bobby Seals, Assata Shakur, Malcolm X. You don’t have a hater. You just have people who couldn’t care LESS bout your subpar-hood, and find your ratchetness to be ridiculous. Please know they are separate entities.
People who think they’ve got “haters” watching them have seen the Truman Show one too many times. Your life isn’t THAT interesting. People who focus on their “haters” have my side-eye on 10! For you to have a hater, your mama can’t be the only person who thinks you’re dope. She’ont count. OTHERS must gibbadamb too. #JustSaying
No I don’t see you. Wearing these on your feet STILL doesn’t make you important. In fact, for you to go get them customized means your shaky ass pedestal needs to be kicked. (I found these HERE. If any of y’all buy a pair, I demand a pic so I can roast you.)
The following people are disqualified from ever saying they have “haters:”
- If you need a co-signer to get a PayDay loan, you dont qualify as having “haters.” You need good credit to have a hater. #YupItsTrue
- If you have a myspace page talmbout “I got haters” please press ctrl, alt, del and forcefully log off the innawebs.
- If you’re a grown man still living with your mama, you ain’t got haters. You’ve got people who are CONCERNED about your social development because something’s wrong.
- If you have multiple baby mamas in the SAME YEAR, you don’t have haters. You have folks concerned about public health because you don’t use condoms. Ghetto twins are NOT what’s lukewarm in the boulevard.
- If the ONLY job you have pays you by cash, you don’t have haters. You have people wondering why your grown ass doesn’t wanna leave a trace.
- If you call yourself a business man, but dont nobody know what you do like Tommy from Martin, you ain’t got haters. You’ve got inquisitors.
- If you’re always rocking Louis Vuitton but still sleeping on your BFF’s couch, you’ont got haters. You got folks concerned about your unbalanced economics.
- If you’re a grown woman calling yourself “Barbie,” you don’t have haters. You have people who are perplexed about your maturity, and wondering what stage on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs you’re stuck on.
If any of the above applies to you, you are not allowed to talk about having “haters” because they don’t exist. You just have an overactive imagination and watched too much Barney growing up. Go saddown and quit harping on these “haters” you ain’t got. Maybe if you cared less about these haters, you’d have something to hate on. POW!
There are few things more annoying than someone whose life is PERMEATED by mediocrity, thinking they’re important enough for haters.
P.S. I’m not a hater, I just roast a lot.