As y’all know, my English professor alter egos are TypoCop and GrammarNator. They are the parts of me that side-eye folks that do their best to butcher the English language when trying to write formally. I know that here on AweLuv, I don’t write in the King’s English because, well I don’t want to, and my blog doesn’t call for it. Besides, until Webster’s dictionary puts *wall slide* in it, I’m on strike. HMPH.
Anywho, apart from my penchant for colloquialism and made-up words, and shortened… (Ok Hell. I need TypoCop for myself but… EH), when I write for work or for something that calls for straight-laced, serious tones, best believe I stick to the King’s English. So when I see folks write a cover letter with incorrect grammar, syntax or sentence structure, my forehead wrinkles like this S:-|. Me no likey.
What brought about all this? Yesterday, my friend sent me an essay she was expected to critique. She then G-Chatted me about how she needs help because this paper was so bad, she just couldn’t.
Me: What it look like?
Her: You sho you want it? I’m giving you a way out
Me: *sigh* I’m a glutton for punishment. I’m mad already and I ain’t even read it.
Ironic that none of the convo was written in anything resembling correct English. I can be an (oxy)Moron.
She sent it to me, and after reading the first line, I started cussing. Yes, it was just THAT bad. I finished it and got a headache from the magnitude of subparity. Her essay was so bad that I wanted to just respond with “F your inarticulate life.” The content was not rlevant to the topic at hand. And there were all type of tenses throughout. She switched from present, to past to present in the same sentence. She did more time traveling than Michael J. Fox.
How does one critique something so poorly written? My critique: “blow that crap up and start from scratch.” But I can’t actually say that because
though I’m a thug, I aint evil that would have been super mean. But I was LIVID and took personal affront to having to read it. I was ranting and raving talmbout “How dare she send me that filth???”
It was a hot mess!
Stuff like this is why teachers are dopeness and society doesn’t appreciate them enough. They are saints (not unlike Dorothy Mantooth) for what they do. I’m pretty sure I’d get high blood pressure if I had to grade badly-written papers everyday. Especially the long ones. All I read yesterday was 2 paragraphs of BAD. If I had to be subjected to 4 or 5 pages of it, I’m pretty sure I’da popped a blood vessel in my eye. Or I’da developed a twitching habit.
I definitely couldn’t be nobody’s English teacher in real life. I’d be a terror. If a student turned in a bad paper, I may write #EssayFAIL” in big red marker all over it. Or “English Weeps for you” at the top, with a crying emoticon stamp. If a student turned in a paper that was REALLY HORRIBLE, I’d draw this at the top (-____-). That stands for “Here Lies English.” Sometimes, I’d just write a simple “This is RUDE” at the top with a >:-| face.
To be an even bigger jerk, I’d use faces as my grading scale:
😀 (A), 🙂 (B), o_O (C), O___O (D), *Lil Mama Sad Face* (F)
ALL them kids in my class would need therapy as I killed their self-esteem one snarky grade at a time. Yeah it’s best I’m not a teacher. I’mo sit behind my desk and leave the future (our kids) to the hands of those
who are less jerks more responsible and patient.