Writing FAIL

As y’all know, my English professor alter egos are TypoCop and GrammarNator. They are the parts of me that side-eye folks that do their best to butcher the English language when trying to write formally. I know that here on AweLuv, I don’t write in the King’s English because, well I don’t want to, and my blog doesn’t call for it. Besides, until Webster’s dictionary puts *wall slide* in it, I’m on strike. HMPH.

Anywho, apart from my penchant for colloquialism and made-up words, and shortened… (Ok Hell. I need TypoCop for myself but… EH), when I write for work or for something that calls for straight-laced, serious tones, best believe I stick to the King’s English. So when I see folks write a cover letter with incorrect grammar, syntax or sentence structure, my forehead wrinkles like this S:-|. Me no likey.

What brought about all this? Yesterday, my friend sent me an essay she was expected to critique. She then G-Chatted me about how she needs help because this paper was so bad, she just couldn’t.

Me: What it look like?
Her: You sho you want it? I’m giving you a way out

Me: *sigh* I’m a glutton for punishment. I’m mad already and I ain’t even read it.

Ironic that none of the convo was written in anything resembling correct English. I can be an (oxy)Moron.

She sent it to me, and after reading the first line, I started cussing. Yes, it was just THAT bad. I finished it and got a headache from the magnitude of subparity. Her essay was so bad that I wanted to just respond with “F your inarticulate life.” The content was not rlevant to the topic at hand. And there were all type of tenses throughout. She switched from present, to past to present in the same sentence. She did more time traveling than Michael J. Fox.

How does one critique something so poorly written? My critique: “blow that crap up and start from scratch.” But I can’t actually say that because though I’m a thug, I aint evil that would have been super mean. But I was LIVID and took personal affront to having to read it. I was ranting and raving talmbout “How dare she send me that filth???”

It was a hot mess!

Stuff like this is why teachers are dopeness and society doesn’t appreciate them enough. They are saints (not unlike Dorothy Mantooth) for what they do. I’m pretty sure I’d get high blood pressure if I had to grade badly-written papers everyday. Especially the long ones. All I read yesterday was 2 paragraphs of BAD. If I had to be subjected to 4 or 5 pages of it, I’m pretty sure I’da popped a blood vessel in my eye. Or I’da developed a twitching habit.

I definitely couldn’t be nobody’s English teacher in real life. I’d be a terror. If a student turned in a bad paper, I may write #EssayFAIL” in big red marker all over it. Or “English Weeps for you” at the top, with a crying emoticon stamp. If a student turned in a paper that was REALLY HORRIBLE, I’d draw this at the top (-____-). That stands for “Here Lies English.” Sometimes, I’d just write a simple “This is RUDE” at the top with a >:-| face.

To be an even bigger jerk, I’d use faces as my grading scale:

😀 (A), 🙂 (B), o_O (C), O___O (D), *Lil Mama Sad Face* (F)

ALL them kids in my class would need therapy as I killed their self-esteem one snarky grade at a time. Yeah it’s best I’m not a teacher. I’mo sit behind my desk and leave the future (our kids) to the hands of those who are less jerks more responsible and patient.

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  1. miss kate
    September 18, 2009 at 4:24 pm

    I'm SO using that grading scale in my next composition course.

  2. Blackberry Molasses
    September 18, 2009 at 4:46 pm

    I was the teacher that stapled pictures of Yoda saying 'That is why you FAIL' to horrible assignments.
    Yep… my chemistry class had a 56% failure rate. I was THAT teacher. And proud of it.

  3. amymay117
    September 18, 2009 at 5:07 pm

    I'm forwarding this to my cousin Kimberly. She teaches ninth grade composition and tenth grad literature in Jackson, MS….. I have heard horror stories!!

  4. NissMarie08
    September 18, 2009 at 5:09 pm

    I've been laughing at "English weeps for you" since you tweeted it yesterday. I looked at my phone and started laughing uncontrollably…my friends now think I've lost it

  5. Execumama
    September 18, 2009 at 6:34 pm

    Ok, you know what? How about we team up and WonderBash the hell outta all the GCFs Grammatically Challenged Folks we can find? LOL! My friends/fam call me Grammar Cop all the time, to the point that I think I might get a shirt with said moniker for Kwaanza, but I'd wear it w/ pride, b/c after all, good grammar is next to Godliness, or some junk. Great post! Thanks for sharing! I LMAO @ "pop a blood vessel in my eye"…LOL!

  6. bogart4017
    September 18, 2009 at 7:55 pm

    Its getting so bad the daily newspapers need to gather all their editors and light a brand new fire under them. Missing words, lines, misspellings (in a local daily news???) and whatnot. It must be true what they say about jounalist being prone to overdrink.

  7. true2me
    September 18, 2009 at 8:42 pm

    LMFAO..Its not excuse when you are being professional to have incorrect grammar. I have an email that says "can you check to see if these were process?" LMAO

  8. Faith
    September 18, 2009 at 9:06 pm

    LMAO…grammar is devil…I kid I kid! It's always shocking to see an e-mail from a CEO type with miss spellings and grammar mistakes. Now in everyday life I don't really care much about grammar but what does get under my skin…words that aren't words like conversate and irregardless. Conversate has a bastard sister named Conversating…for those offenders out there the word is converse and please don't take me down the irregardless lane. Hello the word is regardless…that less on the end takes care of anything the ir could think to handle. Now that you know please don't do it again.

    Side note my grammar is probably all types of bad throughout this entire comment.

  9. Luvvie
    September 23, 2009 at 1:16 am

    YES! Let me know how its accepted lol

  10. Luvvie
    September 23, 2009 at 1:16 am

    DANG!!! 56%? U hardcore, BBMo! I'da been one of them for sure. Chemistry is my archnemesis.

  11. Luvvie
    September 23, 2009 at 1:17 am

    That just sounds scary, especially since 9th graders may be amongst the angstiest people walking on earth. Add that to their lack of writing skills. DO. NOT. WANT. Send ur cousin my condolences

  12. Luvvie
    September 23, 2009 at 1:18 am

    LOL u must learn the art of silent cackling. And when you do, teach me.

  13. Luvvie
    September 23, 2009 at 1:21 am

    WonderBashing sounds like a good time. Yes, the grammatically changed do need to be roasted epically at times. And you already know I go by GrammarNator & TypoCop. I'm DEF getting them on a tshirt.

  14. Luvvie
    September 23, 2009 at 1:22 am

    Journalism ain't what it used to be *sad face*

  15. Luvvie
    September 23, 2009 at 1:22 am

    I'da replied with O__O

  16. Luvvie
    September 23, 2009 at 1:23 am

    OOOOO!!! I shake my fists vigorously at "conversate". I like to use "irregardless" to make people mad though. LOL its so fun.

  17. krocka
    August 27, 2010 at 2:00 pm

    i am the grammar cop for my friends and family and don’t nothing make me madder than “conversate”.

    yes, i realize i’m almost a year late…

    • August 29, 2010 at 9:32 pm

      LOL better late than never.