The 2009 VMAs Rocked
That may be the first time I’ve ever titled an awards show recap with anything good. This, my folks, is such a rarity. But yes, the VMAs was indeed entertaining. Here’s my recap.
I live-tweeted the entire thing, and my running commentary makes everything better. It’s true. Ask somebody. Before I started, I said a quick prayer that went a little like this: “Dear Lawd, forgive me for foolery I’m bout to partake in 2nite. I’ll be in roast overdrive. – Urs in pre-repentance, LuvBug”
Sit back, enjoy, and learn to cackle silently since a lotta folks will be reading it while
bullshitting at work.
I only caught the last 20 minutes of the pre-show, but I did have a couple of reactions. I peeped Sway with his special occasion turban on. Go on, ‘head with ur formal hijab! It even had a bill. It may have even been made of breathable cotton. Check him out. Shooo… You know you want one! I do imagine that Sway’s locs smell like the inside of a fake leg. They never get any air. Po’ follicles.
Then Jermaine Jackson showed up looking like a toy soldier with his military jacket on and plastic hair. iCan’t. He looks like he smells like leather and “new car.” Jermaine is RUDE for using up ALL the interstate highway’s tar budget for his hairdo. Just RUDE!
Beyonce‘s interview on the Red Carpet was uneventful, apart from when her bodyguard Julius stepped across the camera and she checked him. I wanted him to stay in view though. He is FOINE! Heyyy Julius. Call me! Oh, and I never noticed before that Bey was a member of the ITBC (Itty Bitty Titty Committee). She will be getting an invitation to our next meeting. I hope she wears pants then.
MOVING to the actual SHOW.
Wells, let me tell you. The tribute gave me LIFE! Pure Oxygen! It was like CPR! That MJ tribute had me acting OUT. It gave me EVERYTHING I ever wanted but never knew I needed. The dance montage was DOPE! I just ’bout lost it when they did the Smooth Criminal 45 degree lean. YESSSSS!!! o_O to the dude in the front of the Smooth criminal dancers who messed up. Methinks his special shoe malfunctioned though.
Sidenote: Ya know MJ actually got a pair of special shoes patented to do that? Yes, he IS bad! Who else can do that? NO ONE! Souljah Boy can’t even trademark his own name, I bet. True Story. For real.
(Pic by Getty Images) And Janet Jackson? She did her brother RIGHT! MJ’s in Heaven talmbout “THATS MY DAMITA!” And who else peeped Laurie Ann “Boom boom Kat” Gibson? Who’d she have to holler at and pop a vein for to get that gig?
Beyonce – Queen Yawnce BROUGHT IT! She had on Lace Onesie with glittah this time. The spandex onesie must have been in the wash. Queen Yawnce’s onesie collection is so extensive. It’s better than the average toddler’s. Children’s Place is jealous. Her and her Onesie Femme Bots gave a DOPE performance. They gave me oxygen! 3 gays were slayed during her performance, never to return. I enjoyed it.
And when she won an award and called Taylor up there to get her shine, I clapped. Bey: “Hell, I got 39053 Grammy’s. EFF this moonman. Come on, Taylor.” Beyonce got more class than a ph.D program. That was dope of her.
(Pic by Getty Images) Mama Tina DEFINITELY had a hand in designing this bedazzled onesie. It SCREAMS Dereon.
Sidenote: Ladies, don’t do as Bey says and put your hand in your man’s face talmbout “Where my Ring at?” Nothing good can come from it. Either you end up more singular than the last piece of bread, or you get the Chris Brown Bow Tie treatment. Just… don’t.
Oh and Bey better had won that award. She had been passed up for 2 before that one. Papa Knowles was probably somewhere combing his moustache and trying to figure out how he could bring down MTV. He was gon’ gather ’round all the Knowles to steal Sway’s turban collection. Mama Tina was saying Creole spells and sharpening her triton. But she won, so all is well.
Duck, Duck, GOOSE. One of these things is not like the other
MJ Movie Trailer – iCan’t wait for the movie to come out. I’ll be in that theater TOO ready. But watching the trailer to the MJ movie just made me say “DAMN DAMN DAMN, Dr. Murray! Can’t believe you killt him!” I was MAD & SAD as hell!!! Can’t believe MJ died at the hands of another in such wrecklessness! Once again, DAMN DAMN DAMN!!! Despite my fist-shaking, this was a highlight.
Wale & the House Band – They were really good. Me and Wale had some words on Twitter some months back but he’s grown on me. Wa se re, broda mi! The Nigerians were done proud tonight, Mr. Folarin. Unfortunately though, #Walesbowtie didn’t become a trending topic.
KanYe-Gate ’09 – GAAAHHHTTDDDAAAMMMNNN dawg. I was thisclose to putting this in “highlights” because it was MAD entertaining. I don’t even have to say what happened. Kanye was bogus as hell for doing that to po’
VanillaGirl Taylor Swift. I ain’t gon lie. iCackled at KanYe for his utter ridiculousness. He’s a caricature of himself. He KILLT her moment of Glory dead. He shattered it. He dried it up like a raisin in the sun. Like a dream deferred. Like Lil Wayne’s locs. Kanye came forTaylor Swift’s moment of glory. GAHTDAMN DAWG.
GETCHO man, Amber. Then again… you know what, I’mo leave her alone. The VMA’s ULTIMATE “FOOL SADDOWN” gift basket goes to Kanye West for SWIFTLY (hehe) killing Taylor’s moment. He oughta be ‘shamed
Lady Gaga – I think Lady Gaga is the God of Scientology. Can’t nobody tell me otherwise. That bish is scarier than public speaking, taxes, Suge Knight and BeetleJuice.
She’s on the same level as Freddy Kruger & Poltergeist to me. EEEK! EEK! Her performance ended with her “hanging” herself with “blood” pouring out her eyes. Lady Gaga is nuttier than an extra chunky snicker bar. iHate her & her socks & lace. I just wanna throw holy water on her and scream “THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!” That bish is SCARY @ me!
*They shoulda had TI’s acceptance speech on tape. He coulda rocked a formal jumpsuit for the occasion. Selfish bastids! And Diddy referred to Tiny as TI’s wife? That fool ain’t TI’s wife! 3 engagement rings DO NOT equal an oath before God. I’m just saying.
*Am I the only one who cant recognize Kid Cudi if he had on a Kid Cudi tshirt? He look so REGLAH. Plus his bulimic ass SKINTY jeans were killing me softly.
There were many more random thangs but I’s tired I can’t remember them. But I do say kudos to MTV for putting on an awards show that went against the grain. Yes, one that entertained me. It was the best awards show I’ve seen in a long while. Guess they didn’t want a repeat of BET-gate 09. O___O. If you can remember a better award show in recent history, let me know.
(Screenshot of Kanye’s blog from MissJia.com)
Edit: “Kanye” has become synonymous to showing ur ass. Wonder if Webster’s will agree. “Someone pulled a Kanye in church and Sister O’Dell slapped em & told em to SADDOWN ‘fo she put em out! Or “I was bout to pull a Kanye on that fool until I prayed & told Jesus to hold my mule. She’ont wanna see me go KANYE on her!!”
“Lil Mama” is now synonymous with making an uninvited random appearance. i.e. “I’m thinkin bout pulling a Lil Mama & going to this wedding I aint get invited. Then i’mo KANYE them for not inviting me”
Add these verbs to your vocab, You know you love them.