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The 2009 VMAs Rocked

That may be the first time I’ve ever titled an awards show recap with anything good. This, my folks, is such a rarity. But yes, the VMAs was indeed entertaining. Here’s my recap.

I live-tweeted the entire thing, and my running commentary makes everything better. It’s true. Ask somebody. Before I started, I said a quick prayer that went a little like this: “Dear Lawd, forgive me for foolery I’m bout to partake in 2nite. I’ll be in roast overdrive. – Urs in pre-repentance, LuvBug”

Sit back, enjoy, and learn to cackle silently since a lotta folks will be reading it while bullshitting at work.


I only caught the last 20 minutes of the pre-show, but I did have a couple of reactions. I peeped Sway with his special occasion turban on. Go on, ‘head with ur formal hijab! It even had a bill. It may have even been made of breathable cotton. Check him out. Shooo… You know you want one! I do imagine that Sway’s locs smell like the inside of a fake leg. They never get any air. Po’ follicles.

Then Jermaine Jackson showed up looking like a toy soldier with his military jacket on and plastic hair. iCan’t. He looks like he smells like leather and “new car.” Jermaine is RUDE for using up ALL the interstate highway’s tar budget for his hairdo. Just RUDE!

Beyonce‘s interview on the Red Carpet was uneventful, apart from when her bodyguard Julius stepped across the camera and she checked him. I wanted him to stay in view though. He is FOINE! Heyyy Julius. Call me! Oh, and I never noticed before that Bey was a member of the ITBC (Itty Bitty Titty Committee). She will be getting an invitation to our next meeting. I hope she wears pants then.

MOVING to the actual SHOW.


MJ Tribute – I was literally in my chair bouncing up and down like a child as the show started. I thought it’d go straight into the tribute, but we were treated to a 5-minute speech by Madonna. I give her credit for ironing her face for the occasion though. She looked all smooth ’bout the visage. Her comparisons to Michael got tired fast though. “Michael breathed oxygen. So did I. MJ had 10 fingers. Well, so did I.” o_O I was jumpy and restless at home yelling at the screen talmbout “GET THE HELL OFF THE STAGE!! BRING ON JANET! BISH SHARRAP AND SADDOWN!” I was just straight disrespectful. Just when I gave Madonna 30 more seconds of speaking before I started editting her Wikidepia page to say “KILLED MJ TRIBUTE”, she got off stage.

Wells, let me tell you. The tribute gave me LIFE! Pure Oxygen! It was like CPR! That MJ tribute had me acting OUT. It gave me EVERYTHING I ever wanted but never knew I needed. The dance montage was DOPE! I just ’bout lost it when they did the Smooth Criminal 45 degree lean. YESSSSS!!! o_O to the dude in the front of the Smooth criminal dancers who messed up. Methinks his special shoe malfunctioned though.

Sidenote: Ya know MJ actually got a pair of special shoes patented to do that? Yes, he IS bad! Who else can do that? NO ONE! Souljah Boy can’t even trademark his own name, I bet. True Story. For real.

(Pic by Getty Images) And Janet Jackson? She did her brother RIGHT! MJ’s in Heaven talmbout “THATS MY DAMITA!” And who else peeped Laurie Ann “Boom boom Kat” Gibson? Who’d she have to holler at and pop a vein for to get that gig?

Beyonce – Queen Yawnce BROUGHT IT! She had on Lace Onesie with glittah this time. The spandex onesie must have been in the wash. Queen Yawnce’s onesie collection is so extensive. It’s better than the average toddler’s. Children’s Place is jealous. Her and her Onesie Femme Bots gave a DOPE performance. They gave me oxygen! 3 gays were slayed during her performance, never to return. I enjoyed it.

And when she won an award and called Taylor up there to get her shine, I clapped. Bey: “Hell, I got 39053 Grammy’s. EFF this moonman. Come on, Taylor.” Beyonce got more class than a ph.D program. That was dope of her.

(Pic by Getty Images) Mama Tina DEFINITELY had a hand in designing this bedazzled onesie. It SCREAMS Dereon.

Sidenote: Ladies, don’t do as Bey says and put your hand in your man’s face talmbout “Where my Ring at?” Nothing good can come from it. Either you end up more singular than the last piece of bread, or you get the Chris Brown Bow Tie treatment. Just… don’t.

Oh and Bey better had won that award. She had been passed up for 2 before that one. Papa Knowles was probably somewhere combing his moustache and trying to figure out how he could bring down MTV. He was gon’ gather ’round all the Knowles to steal Sway’s turban collection. Mama Tina was saying Creole spells and sharpening her triton. But she won, so all is well.

Pink – This woman is NUTS (in a good way). She performed while doing trapeze stuff in the air and it was GOOD! Super creative and dope. Rihanna WISHED she could sound that good on solid ground. Pink just KILLT IT! Btw, Rihanna is Pink with more melanin, less voice, and a better stylist. Truly.
JayZ/Alicia Keys – Their performance was good too. Butterrummm why was JayZ rocking a leather vest over a denim jacket? He looked like Paul Bunyan. Oh and I kept praying that Alicia Keys best not look at JayZ too intensely before Bey comes out and “Gets her Bodied”. But AK stayed in her lane and no Creoles were hurt in that performance.
Sidenote: Is there a reason why Lil Mama’s irrelevant self jumped on stage with Jay and Alicia? How did she even get tickets to the awards? See? MTV needs a new security team.

Duck, Duck, GOOSE. One of these things is not like the other

MJ Movie Trailer – iCan’t wait for the movie to come out. I’ll be in that theater TOO ready. But watching the trailer to the MJ movie just made me say “DAMN DAMN DAMN, Dr. Murray! Can’t believe you killt him!” I was MAD & SAD as hell!!! Can’t believe MJ died at the hands of another in such wrecklessness! Once again, DAMN DAMN DAMN!!! Despite my fist-shaking, this was a highlight.

Wale & the House Band – They were really good. Me and Wale had some words on Twitter some months back but he’s grown on me. Wa se re, broda mi! The Nigerians were done proud tonight, Mr. Folarin. Unfortunately though, #Walesbowtie didn’t become a trending topic.


Russell Brand – Listening to that unfunny Brit made me wanna kick a teddy bear. I wanted to DHL him a “Fool SHUTtheF*CKup” gift basket. He’s as funny as a hernia. Hell, I coulda hosted the VMAs & done better & I aint even a standup comedian.

KanYe-Gate ’09 – GAAAHHHTTDDDAAAMMMNNN dawg. I was thisclose to putting this in “highlights” because it was MAD entertaining. I don’t even have to say what happened. Kanye was bogus as hell for doing that to po’ VanillaGirl Taylor Swift. I ain’t gon lie. iCackled at KanYe for his utter ridiculousness. He’s a caricature of himself. He KILLT her moment of Glory dead. He shattered it. He dried it up like a raisin in the sun. Like a dream deferred. Like Lil Wayne’s locs. Kanye came forTaylor Swift’s moment of glory. GAHTDAMN DAWG.

GETCHO man, Amber. Then again… you know what, I’mo leave her alone. The VMA’s ULTIMATE “FOOL SADDOWN” gift basket goes to Kanye West for SWIFTLY (hehe) killing Taylor’s moment. He oughta be ‘shamed

*taps mic* Yes Kanye was outta line, outta pocket and outta order. Kanye is a world class ASSHOLE & the world’s biggest epitomizer of “BITCHASSNESS.” He is a 4-year old trapped in a man’s body. BUT… I can’t join the “I’m boycotting Kanye” bandwagon. Aint nobody stop listening to Mariah despite her penchant for dressing like a tweenager. How is it okay to still be rocking daisy dukes & cropped shirts at 35??? People aint boycotting Lil Wayne & he look like he needs some Raid Bug spray so I’ont understand. *shrugs* Either way, trust that I ain’t gon delete Kanye’s music from my iTunes. “Hey Mama” is my ISH! *drops mic*

Lady Gaga – I think Lady Gaga is the God of Scientology. Can’t nobody tell me otherwise. That bish is scarier than public speaking, taxes, Suge Knight and BeetleJuice.

She’s on the same level as Freddy Kruger & Poltergeist to me. EEEK! EEK! Her performance ended with her “hanging” herself with “blood” pouring out her eyes. Lady Gaga is nuttier than an extra chunky snicker bar. iHate her & her socks & lace. I just wanna throw holy water on her and scream “THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!” That bish is SCARY @ me!

Random Thoughts

*They shoulda had TI’s acceptance speech on tape. He coulda rocked a formal jumpsuit for the occasion. Selfish bastids! And Diddy referred to Tiny as TI’s wife? That fool ain’t TI’s wife! 3 engagement rings DO NOT equal an oath before God. I’m just saying.

*Am I the only one who cant recognize Kid Cudi if he had on a Kid Cudi tshirt? He look so REGLAH. Plus his bulimic ass SKINTY jeans were killing me softly.

There were many more random thangs but I’s tired I can’t remember them. But I do say kudos to MTV for putting on an awards show that went against the grain. Yes, one that entertained me. It was the best awards show I’ve seen in a long while. Guess they didn’t want a repeat of BET-gate 09. O___O. If you can remember a better award show in recent history, let me know.

(Screenshot of Kanye’s blog from


Edit: “Kanye” has become synonymous to showing ur ass. Wonder if Webster’s will agree. “Someone pulled a Kanye in church and Sister O’Dell slapped em & told em to SADDOWN ‘fo she put em out! Or “I was bout to pull a Kanye on that fool until I prayed & told Jesus to hold my mule. She’ont wanna see me go KANYE on her!!”

“Lil Mama” is now synonymous with making an uninvited random appearance. i.e. “I’m thinkin bout pulling a Lil Mama & going to this wedding I aint get invited. Then i’mo KANYE them for not inviting me”

Add these verbs to your vocab, You know you love them.

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  1. V.E.G.
    September 14, 2009 at 8:23 am

    "Mama Tina was saying Creole spells and sharpening her triton."

    O_o at you for that comment. There are no Creole spells. If there were, I'd know them and use them.

    Big ups to Janet…girlie almost fell but recovered nicely, on rhythm, and kept it going. She should give dance lessons to some of these chicks out there.

    I think I saw Jay peek at Alicia's booty. Beyonce knows not to run on A. Keys: she's from NY: them girls are rough. She'd use Bey's lace front as a belt and whoop her.

    Beyonce and her army of leotard wearing dancers did bring it. I hope, tho, that they retire that song forever.

    I will be taking trapeze classes, thanks to Pink.

    And Kanye is the bitch of the universe for doing what he did to that child.

    That is all.

  2. V.E.G.
    September 14, 2009 at 8:26 am

    I forgot two very important things:

    I NEED that patented shoe in my life. Would come in handy at the club.

    AND…Bey is gonna get a lot of chicks dumped for encouraging them to 'put your hand in his face and ask 'where my ring at?''. Yeah…no.

  3. Brokey McPoverty
    September 14, 2009 at 8:35 am

    glad to see im not the only one up at ungodly hours finishing their vma recaps.. lol

  4. Miss Jenkins
    September 14, 2009 at 1:32 pm

    Pure comedy! Great recap…I didn't watch, but I will fast forwarding through it tonight…I need to see the MJ tribute and see Lil Mama hop on stage so I too can SMH.

  5. Miss Jenkins
    September 14, 2009 at 1:33 pm

    will be*

  6. Kindred Smile
    September 14, 2009 at 2:11 pm

    3 Things:

    1. As always, I didn't watch it, mainly cause I don't have cable, and also cause I couldn't stomach the possibility of any more disappointment after watching the BET Awards.

    2. That Lil Mama screencap is gon be my wallpaper for at least a week. At least. LMAO @ Duck Duck Goose .

    3. Lady Gaga needs to just … die.

  7. K to the...
    September 14, 2009 at 2:24 pm

    Funniest VMAs ever thanks to FB and Twitter! I posted a question today asking what was 'Ye sipping on. I don't believe it was JUST the Hennessy…

  8. Cheekie
    September 14, 2009 at 2:32 pm

    Yeah, the VMAs were VERY good. Some points.

    1. I've always been intrigued (by "intrigued", I mean vewwy vewwy afwaid) of Lady Gaga. But due to last night? I must say I LOVE her. Know why? Because during Beyonce's classy classy move to give Taylor her shine, they cut to Lady Gaga with a dayum winter bird's nest on her face. ON. HER. FACE. I went from sayin, "Awww, that Beyonce is sweet…" to busting the eff out laughing (in a "WTF" way) for a good 5 minutes. That heffa made my night with that hilarious ridiculousness. She is on that good ish, I'm positive.

  9. Cheekie
    September 14, 2009 at 2:33 pm

    Since my long-winded arse can't shut the hell up sometimes, here is the rest of my comment:

    2. That MJ tribute was DA BOMB. I loved Madonna's tribute from her POV, but it did go on a tad too long and I, too was restless than a mofo. The tribute was THEE entire reason I was so giddy about watching this (I thought it would blow due to Russell "My trousers are so tight I can't even fart" Brand being the host again) and it was well worth it. I LOVED seeing cameos of Boom Kat Gibson, Wade Robson and Chris (J-Lo's ex). That was so cool that the This Is It dancers were involved. And digitally removing Janet from the Scream vid and having her dance live in the exact spot was GENIUS. And yes, my stannish self will be waiting in long lines to see This Is It. That doing that ish at IMAX right? They dayum well betta.

  10. Cheekie
    September 14, 2009 at 2:33 pm

    Well, dayum, gotta make this a three-parter. I need a time-out. Sorry Luvvie! lol

    So, again, I thought this would be boring but then:

    Kanye. WHY is he crawlin' all up in Beyonce's arse? He ain't dating her. Besides, he can't fit in there due to her millions of stans. Jay better check him on that ish fo' real. How you gon' bully a dayum teenager?! Punk like a mofo. He is FOOLISH. To thee corner, right now Kanyeezy. I like your random outbursts when directed at Dubya and 'nem but not po, po Taylor Swift. I mean, she arrived in a dayum carriage! The girl is purity personified. Don't be messin' with angels and whatnot! Boy!!

  11. Enigma Jones
    September 14, 2009 at 2:46 pm

    IDied @ " Am I the only one who cant recognize Kid Cudi if he had on a Kid Cudi tshirt?" You are too damned funnny!!!

  12. Trini Nerd
    September 14, 2009 at 2:52 pm

    This was one of the first vmas I watched from beginning to end in years!!! Brilliant commentary as usual "3 gays were slayed during her performance, never to return" oh yes you nearly killed me with that one..

    But my thing is after seeing what went wrong when someone jumped on staged, what was really going through Lil Mama head? Jay Z didn't even acknowledge her..poor thing and she wonders why she judging ABDC

  13. Amarie
    September 14, 2009 at 3:29 pm

    Kanye was sipping on…CRACK. In liquid form

  14. true2me
    September 14, 2009 at 3:47 pm

    I love ya luvvie…I do…but that MTV MJ Tribute was not all that..sorry….it was just well..okay…I only jumped out my seat to do the dances cause I knew them so well..I thought there would be more..more singing, more dancing, Hell Janet Singing..I was not disappointed..but I wasn't impressed

    LMAO @ the rest of your commentary…

    Oh ..and I LOVE lady Gaga….LOVE HER TO DEATH….Kanye's toddler tantrums are scarier than anything lady gaga does…

  15. K to the...
    September 14, 2009 at 3:54 pm

    I love Lady Gaga just because she doesn't give a damn what anyone says. Imagine her and Amy Winehouse there together. Beehive hair…bird nest hat/mask….good segue into "the birds and the bees" talk for the chi'ren, no?

  16. @ebonyi
    September 14, 2009 at 4:29 pm

    You are hilarious!! I would be more specific but I can't right now…the onesie collection?! LMAOOOOOOO

  17. Luvologist
    September 14, 2009 at 5:06 pm


    iHeart you so much, Luvvie.
    How could you be so heartless?


  18. Miss Dimples
    September 14, 2009 at 5:07 pm

    Isn't that Chris Judd (bka The 2nd Mr. JLo) dancin' with Damita Jo and Ms Boom Kat?

  19. BukiB
    September 14, 2009 at 5:17 pm

    "He dried it up like a raisin in the sun. Like a dream deferred." Really Luvvie!!?? Call the paramedics because iDied after reading that. I'm still cracking up just re-reading it.

    Luvvie you are TOO hilarious!! I've been reading for a few weeks now and HAD to comment after this. You've got another Yoruba babe following you! Keep it up sista mi.

  20. Tea
    September 14, 2009 at 5:39 pm

    "I do imagine that Sway's locs smell like the inside of a fake leg." AHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

    And lil' mama on stage? WHY!!!!!!

  21. !uppitynegress
    September 14, 2009 at 6:08 pm

    insanity from beginning to end…thank you!

  22. Blackberry Molasses
    September 14, 2009 at 7:01 pm

    Nothing of substantive humor to add, so simply

    **standing ovation**

  23. @NaturallyAlise
    September 14, 2009 at 8:54 pm

    This entire comment has given me everlasting life. Amen.

  24. Monica
    September 14, 2009 at 9:07 pm

    You= a fool! You had me laughing in my cube.

  25. Mrs Harris
    September 14, 2009 at 9:55 pm

    Excuse you, Tiny ain't no FOOL, and for your info..her and T.I. been married. They got married in 04',everybody knows that except for yall FOOLS.

  26. Sophia
    September 15, 2009 at 12:40 am

    I do believe that Luvvie was trying to kill me with laughter with her post today. She knew I had a long stressful Monday and wanted to provide truths in the form of ultimate entertainment. I swear I almost got kilt dead with that "onesie with glittah" comment and then it just ballooned from there….I ran to the bathroom to pee then to the kitchen for some calming water after laughing for 10 straight minutes…and I hadn't even finished reading the whole post. Luvvie, just what I needed…."the power of Christ compels you??" straight foolishness and genius all in one! That is all…(yeah still giggling)

  27. Engagement Rings
    September 15, 2009 at 1:34 am

    The VMAs was entirely too much for me. More entertainment than the BET awards! But yea…clearly Kanye was out of line. I felt so sorry for lil old Taylor. I would snatched the mic back….for real! And as far as lil mama….I was so confused at first. I was like…why is she on the stage? Like, why he pick her to make a closing appearance? Not knowing that the freak jumped on the stage unannounced!

  28. @Marvalus
    September 15, 2009 at 11:41 am

    I am laughing out loud at this recap, thoroughly enjoying myself!

    I'm new here, but I'll be back…good stuff!

  29. emeritus
    September 15, 2009 at 11:45 am

    dead, dead and dead. lmao over here. you hit all the points and then some. and im glad im not the only one that noticed laurie ann gibson huffing and puffing her way across the stage/ imma leave ole girl alone though.

  30. Luvvie
    September 16, 2009 at 5:14 am

    LOL maybe they keeping the creole spells from u b/c they know u'd use it for evil.

    YESSS Janet gave me everything!

    Im sure Jay checked AK's donk out. It's impressive. And AK would DEF beat the brakes off Bey. But Bey would play dirty and get the Knowles fam to gang up on AK.

    "single Ladies" is gon be kept alive by the gays. It wont go away. Check Youtube

    And I actually believe that you'd take trapeze classes. A mess.

    Kanye IS a bitch.

  31. Luvvie
    September 16, 2009 at 5:16 am

    I could picture u in the club doing the 45 degree lean. SADDOWN!

  32. Luvvie
    September 16, 2009 at 5:19 am

    Gurl yeah this post took 3 hours t write. I suffered for my lack of sleep at work too

  33. Luvvie
    September 16, 2009 at 5:19 am

    Thanks! But yeah, those were definitely not to be missed.

  34. Luvvie
    September 16, 2009 at 5:20 am

    iCackle EVERYTIME I see that Lil Mama pic and its been 3 days.

    Oh… and iHATE Lady Gaga!!!!

  35. Luvvie
    September 16, 2009 at 5:22 am

    Kanye was on something for sure. That fool got his hennessy spiked at a rave.

  36. Luvvie
    September 16, 2009 at 6:12 am

    Lady Gaga is scary as all to be. I just can't w/ her on any levels!!! And yes she was ridunkulous. EEK!!

  37. Liryc
    September 16, 2009 at 2:37 pm

    You know something! I so quit you with this post! I am at work crying right now cause youse a fool! Not only did you do this to me on twitter but you did this to me while I'm at work!! But girl the Coonery was out that night. It was a free for all with Kanye and Lil Mama. Speaking of her, she was quoted as saying that she was so enthralled and so hyped that she just couldn't have helped herself! Oh well.. Her New York state of mind was CRAZY!

    I agree with you though, the VMA's were FAN-FREAKING-TABULOUS!!

  38. Brittany
    September 17, 2009 at 4:47 pm

    Per usual, you had me rollin'! I didn't watch the show (iCan't with tv….it's the Golden Girls or nothing) but I felt like I did after readin' this. Lil' Mama…I STILL don't know who the hell she is. And yes Lady Gaga is a hot mess but she's an entertainer and I don't know what she had goin' on with the blood and stuff but she's the only mainstream artist out now that that can keep me motivated on the treadmill. Fa'realssss…..

  39. amymay117
    September 18, 2009 at 2:26 am

    just *dead*

  40. Luvvie
    September 23, 2009 at 1:24 am

    LOL! It's true. He just so REG'LAH!

  41. Luvvie
    September 23, 2009 at 1:25 am

    Lil Mama got touched by the spirit of foolishness and it carried her on stage. O___O

  42. Luvvie
    September 23, 2009 at 1:26 am

    Gurl Iunno what u talmbout but Lady Gaga's outfits alone scared me to pieces! Kanye's toddler tantrums dont scare me as much as they amuse me immensely.

  43. Luvvie
    September 23, 2009 at 1:28 am

    Thanks! *curtsies*

  44. Luvvie
    September 23, 2009 at 1:28 am

    iHeart u too, TwiBFF!

  45. Luvvie
    September 23, 2009 at 1:28 am

    It is INDEEDT J.Lo's ex-househusband! Good eye!

  46. Luvvie
    September 23, 2009 at 1:29 am

    YAYYYYY!!! Glad to see you de-lurk and comment. Abeg don't be a stranger!

  47. Luvvie
    September 23, 2009 at 1:30 am

    iCan't w/ Lil Mama. A plum fool!

  48. Luvvie
    September 23, 2009 at 1:30 am

    *takes a bow* (No Rihanna)

  49. Luvvie
    September 23, 2009 at 1:31 am

    *catches rose w/ mouf*
    Says: "All this for me???"

  50. Luvvie
    September 23, 2009 at 1:31 am

    Glad to hear it! I hope it wasnt loudly though. U'ont want ur coworkers giving u the side-eye

  51. Luvvie
    September 23, 2009 at 1:32 am

    Hmm… I WOULD think this was Tiny but I doubt she knows how to use a computer. *Kanye Shrug*

  52. Luvvie
    September 23, 2009 at 1:33 am

    iPromise I aint try to kill u dead. I want u to LIVE! lol

    Well, if you DO keel, I'll rock a knockoff of Bey's lace onesie to your funegro.

  53. Luvvie
    September 23, 2009 at 1:33 am

    YAYYYY!!! Welcome to my blog! Don't be no stranger!

  54. Luvvie
    September 23, 2009 at 1:35 am

    LOL Boom boom Kack was giving EVERYTHING she had!

  55. Luvvie
    September 23, 2009 at 1:35 am

    U can't quit me! I won't let u!! *grabs on to Liryc's ankles*

  56. Luvvie
    September 23, 2009 at 1:38 am

    LMAO @ u not knowing who Lil Mama is. I would explain but it aint even worth it.

  57. Luvvie
    September 23, 2009 at 1:39 am

    Tee hee

  58. […] *2009 VMAs Rocked – *GASP* An awards show that I actually enjoyed. This was a rarity. […]