Whose Extreme Kitten Heels Are These?

Some people use drugs or drink too much. My vice is shoes, and I have an Instagram account (@MustLuvvShoes) dedicated to mine to prove it.

I’m not snob about them either, and I’m not tied to luxury brands or type. I might be rocking $30 shoes one day, but you won’t know. I might be in heels on Monday, sneakers (gym shoes) on Tuesday, loafers on Wednesday. I diversity my bonds.

My point is, I am a fan of most types of shoes but the ones I cannot get with are: kitten heels. I do not believe in the ministry of kitten heels because they look absurd. I don’t go to the church of shoes that look like kayaks on a thumb tack.

One could just wear flats. I know, you’re probably saying that when you wear a nice dress, flats look weird. Or when you need to dress up, but I’m here to say it depends on those flats. There are people who can’t rock high heels, for medical reasons and because they are often just really nice torture devices. SURE. One of my friends literally cannot wear heels but she stays fierce in her flats collection. It CAN be done, folks.

But you can also do wedges if you insist that you need a lift off the ground. Kitten heels, doe? Chile, nah. The only person who can rock them is FLOTUS and that is because she can do no wrong. She can put on some acid wash jeans with a mullet and I’d applaud, since that’s bae. SHE CAN DO NO WRONG.

Ennehweighs, I came across this picture of some kitten heels that were just wholly unnecessary:

IS IT BY FORCE??? Ol’ failed levitating kicks. Nawl! She gotta have served on a couple of usher boards. There’s a lot going on here with so little. Pointy toes, strap and kitten, each one fighting for attention. When someone even designed this shoe, who was the other person who said “Yes. Those are hot fiyah?” I got questions.

I dropped the pic on my Awesomely Luvvie FB page and folks had me howling like a fool.

* WHY DOES SHE NEED THAT STRAP? What, she gonna fall out of those shoes and plummet to her 0.3 in. death? Ma’am, I cannot do this with you today. – SB

* …so we’re not going to talk about her heel hanging off the end by the same 0.3 measurement… – PS

* And the front of the shoe has elongated itself like its trying to get as far away from the heel as possible. Like “Nawl, I ain’t with her. My homies are full grown” – AM

* No matter the shoe – if your heel threatens to Nestea plunge off the back or your toes threaten to take a header off the front you MUST go up a 1/2 size. Is it not so written? – PS

* These shoes are incredibly ugly but I gotta say as a woman under 5 feet tall who hates high heels, I definitely own some 1/2 inch to an inch heels! Mostly they’re wedges though, not this bizarre-ass teeny little nipple on the bottom of the shoe. – HF

* I always turn my ankle in kitten heels, so I either stick to stilettos or wear flats. These are just so lazy! Either go high or go home. According to Yoda’s twin sister, Yoga, “Heel or not heel, there is no kitten.” – DJ

* Kitten heels are like training wheels on a motorcycle. – AG

* I am not a small woman- I’m good but I’ve had four kids. I refuse to wear shoes that look like I wore them through all my pregnancies and pressed the heel down until there was nothing left. Refuse. – NR

* Them is the shoes the wicked witch of the west was forced to wear after her red shoes were stolen by some “tourist” and her shaggy dog. – AW

* God himself led me here to read this today. I saw a tiger (read full figured woman) on some kitten heels today and they were meowing for mercy. I almost didn’t see the “heels” at first save the fact that her heels seemed to be hovering 0.3 inches from the ground. I’m worried for her. They may well be flats by the end of the day. – AS

* If you over 70, these are equal to 6 inches….slay sistah Esther! – AP

* That looks so sad. I’ve seen children’s play shoes with a higher heel than this. It’s like she broke toothpicks in half and glued them to her house shoes. – DS

* NO MA’AM! This pitiful excuse for a shoe is no kitten heel. This is a thumb tack stuck in the back of her run down size 11’s. Stop it, I say. STOP. IT. – LS

* I walk like a baby calf in high heels and I’m clumsy, so I don’t wear them..but I would never ever ever wear a kitten heel. Ugliest things ever. #AllOrNothing – JB

* These are hamster heels. They not even high enough to be considered kitten heels. Downgrade the animal size when you are thinking of a metaphor for these mother fuckers. #iswear – PM

Bhet why.

* ONLY side-eye I’ve ever given FLOTUS is her fascination w/ kitten heels..but since she SLAYS and is FLAWLESS in every other way…welp…I archived that side-eye and deleted the file. – TS

* Kitten heels make no sense. All the height difference of flats, all the instability of tiny little nonsense heels. Nope. – AT

* Bizarre ass teeny little nipple bottom….. I’m done for the day. Absolutely done!!! – LL

* Them shits long as ever. Probably will find Jimmy Hoffa in the tip. Little heel looks like a tic tac holding her long foots up. Then her heel hanging off the back a lil bit. She better stay off the escalator with these low to the floor vessels of hopelessness and despair. – KD

* I’m unable to can with this foolishness…sombody call the church ushers so Miss Ma’am can be ushered to her church full of several seats.. #clutchpearl #wipesbrow #imdone – RR

* Oh kitten heels. Haven’t these been dispatched to footwear hell yet?! Forever looking like canoes balanced on a nipple… – DF

* Listen… when my 80+ year old great aunt can strut her butt around in 3-inch heels while “ministering to the public” (she’s a Witness), then there is no country for kitten heels. And how you not not gon wear them properly?! She needs a shoe intervention. Who are her people? – MAJ

* This is just intelligent talk right here. The kitten heel is about as useful as a netted condom. #bye – SA

* This is the tragedy of shopping alone. While drinking. – SR

* These aren’t even kitten heels, these are cat fetus heels. – CL

* She can kill a roach in a corner with the toe, and if that roach survives and crawls away quickly, it won’t touch her heel. – CA

* Why intentionally walk around on a wobbly ass pebble under your flats all day? WHY? – NB

* Even David Blaine levitated higher than that! – AV

Minnie Mouse: The Matron Saint of Kitten Heels

* No matter the shoe – if your heel threatens to Nestea plunge off the back or your toes threaten to take a header off the front you MUST go up a 1/2 size. Is it not so written? – PS

* High heels: make you taller; flats: comfortable as fuck. Kitten heels: give you NONE of the comfort, NONE of the height, and ALL of the ugly. – NJ

* Kitten heels are the tiny paintbrush ponytails of the shoe world. – SS

We just hurt someone’s feelings because of this. Kitten heel lovers are probably pissed at us. Look. We just want better for you. That is all.