Because You Need That Rude Waxer in Your Life

There comes a time in some women’s lives when we have an unhealthy co-dependent relationship that we refuse to give up. They cause us physical pain, tell us we look terrible, and that we need them. That relationship is between us and our aestheticians, who are our personal Mr. Miyagis (wax on, wax off).

Some people enjoy being hairy. I am not one of them. The only place where I want hair to be plentiful is on top of my scalp, and even then. These long locs are temporary, and the longest I’ve ever allowed my hair to grow. Y’all might see me rocking a caesar cut very shortly.

I have a standing appointment with my eyebrow lady (shoutout to Mimi in Kiva Water Tower), who waxes them to perfection every 3 weeks. Walking around with two centipedes chilling over my eyes is not my portion. And I also get my Love Pocket waxed on the regular, because: preference. Also, I like to wear bikinis. Some people are perfectly fine having nether region hair they can braid, cornrow and twistout. I am not one of those people.

Whenever I miss my appointments or go too long without seeing either of them, they let me HAVE IT, and I feel all rebuked and ashamed. They look at your hair and go “I see you’ve been busy.”

Between both of my ladies, they keep my body hair in check, and I thank them for it. I endure whatever earned shade they throw my way, and I know they have my best interests at heart. I do, however, fear the day that one of them asks me if I want to get my moustache done. I am holding my breath until that day comes, when I will develop enough under nose hair to warrant that question. With age comes new hair in new places, so this is probably inevitable. Although, my Mom doesn’t have a stache. COME THROUGH, GENES. Seriously. I need those genes passed down.

But IF that day comes where I get the “Do you want me to take care of that moustache?” from one of my trusted ladies, I will say YES PLEASE. I can’t be outchea with an upper lip hat not knowing. In fact, anytime they ask a question about taking off extra hair, just submit to them and say YES.
Everyone needs a waxer who challenges them to be a better person. By challenges, I mean SHAMES. By better, I mean one with less hair. My waxer asked me “so that fur on your stomach. You wanna keep that?” MA’AM YOU BETTER WATCH YOUR MOUTH. NO I DON’T. SO PLEASE TAKE IT ALL OFF. She was like “Some people like to keep that fur.” Shade. O___O.

Then I went to get my eyebrows done and my lady does “your skin is dry.” I LOVE abusive aestheticians. They are so rude and I cherish them in my life. Things and people that don’t lie: children, old people, leggings and aestheticians. You want the truth? They will give you the truth. And when you’re done, you’re feeling like you can can take over the world.

How you walk out your waxing appointment:

And no, I do not get anything threaded. I got my eyebrows threaded once and cried like someone killed Bambi’s mama in front of me. NO KANK YOU. It is pure torture. I will opt for wax because I don’t want to experience that threading hell.

I went on my Awesomely Luvvie Facebook page, and we commiserated and bonded over our love of our shady ass waxers. Let me start off with the most touching story.

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* True story: For a long time, I visited a Thai woman named Knong at a salon on U Street in DC. One day, I called and they told me she didn’t work there any longer. You. Could Have Heard. A Pin Drop. OK? I was PROSTRATE. Knong was my GIRL. Brows, ‘stache, beard (still mad at my Mama for not warning me), and my Area. We had got to the point she ain’t even have to ask. I just take off my pants (she didn’t leave the room, we were close), we’d talk about all the good Thai food she cooked that week for her kids and their friends, and in half an hour, she’d give me a mirror (she was big on you reviewing your Area) and that’d be that.

So when I found her next door to the vet – I had taken my cat, Jedda Mae Johnson, for her annual – outside smoking a cigarette, girl I CRIED REAL TEARS. Made an appointment eh-me-jat-lee. Was back that weekend. Cried again. She cried. I would still be going to her if I lived there.

What I am trying to say is, I understand. It’s really real, that relationship. – Jen

Luvvie: For real. I getchu girl. This is a better love story than Twilight. I AM WITH YOU.

Sonya: I was at the edge of my seat reading this like, “Did you find her?! Did your paths cross again?!” And then I cried at your reunion. A good waxer/threader is worth their weight.

Quilisa: Girl I was into this story like Zola’s story. I love social media.

Christi: That was like a HONY two-part post. I HAD TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

Jen: My friends will tell you I was DISTRAUGHT. Talked about it for months. Called places – but it’s DC. There were 40 places between my apartment and the old salon, and that was only like 3 miles. And then to walk out, and see her on the corner… Her coworker was like, “Nah girl, you ain’t even the first one. What does she DO?” She’s just magic. I love Knong.

Erika: Man, I was reading this with baited breath. I was on the verge of tears. Then when you found her… Whew. I’m still a little emotional.

Jen: It was a Hallmark moment. The glance, the double-take, the realization, the second realization that I couldn’t just drop Jedda in that plastic box, the hugging… I don’t even like hugging! I hugged the shit outta Knong.

Shenell: Jen just put all of Knong’s kids through college with this post. Don’t be surprised if Knong sends you a really nice holiday gift for all the biz you just drummed up! Shoot. I’m thinking about stopping through myself.

Kenya: So look at here. Is she still on U street? I work at 7th and S. The threader I was going to on my lunch break just disappeared a month ago.

Angel: I was reading with baited breath. I needed you to find Knong and yall be reunited like Nicole Kidman and Enman reunited on Cold Mountain (that’s my movie!).

Luvvie’s note: There was a whole sub-thread about the hilarity of her cat being named Jedda Mae. But yes, this was the best.

* BRUH. I am 44. My wax lady all but demands that she just dip my entire body in that vat of wax. Life is so cruel. #mingleeistheshadiest – BNHG

* Yet I have 2 cousins who refuse to get theirs waxed for fear it may “grow back thicker” I’m like, but you already look like Juan Valdez tho. Sigh. – TR

* I had my upper lip waxed once and she snatched a layer of black off with the hair. I looked like Charlie Chaplin for a month. I’d rather be Isaac Hayes all the time. #neveragain – SB

* I am 1/4 Greek. I get my lip done when I do my brows. The last time I had it done, the wax tech said, “Ah, next time you come, you do whole face!” Apparently I am a Wookie in skinny jeans. – JL

* I’m an Esthetician and I’m surprised at how many women want to hold on to their mustaches. I’m like, “We’re mammals. We get hair in strange places. No shame. But you don’t need to keep it on your face. When you know better, you do better. ” – JG

* Yeeesss! My woman is Eastern-European harsh with STRONG hands, and will tell me I’m ashy, hairy, and need to exfoliate my whole entire being in a heartbeat. She gets it done tho. Have me sliding out the door, skin looking like I just emerged from the womb. – FJ

* Whenever I catch one of my lady friends with a ‘stache thicker than mine, I look at them with a slight tilt of my head, and then lay my forefinger horizontally across my top lip. They get it, without me ever uttering a single word. – RJWL

* My aesthetician is rude and brutally honest. I remember my first time visiting her I requested what I thought would be a pretty adorbs landing strip on my lady parts. She entertained me for a bit, shaping it up and everything. Then suddenly in her thick Polish accent she yelled “this looks like Hitler’s mustache!” and ripped that strip off before I could fix my mouth to protest or brace for the pain. Now I make no requests when I go to see her. I just assume the various positions and let her handle her business. – KB

* Years ago, the lady asked me and I said no. I didn’t realize I had hair on my lip. She said, “I do for free. You see.” Man, I ain’t never been so embarrassed. Where did that hair come from? – MMM

* Oh I’m feeling shame. When I have my brows done she always ask “whole face”? And i always say no. Getting ready to take a good look in the mirror. I hope i aint been walking around in denial looking like Abraham Lincoln. – KNH

* My threader moved back to India hence my bangs – CA

* If it wasn’t for my lady I would be walking around with a full beard and mustache …..so insult me, just handle your business. – DLP

* I thank Gawd for the lady who looked me dead in my eye and said “so is the stomach off limits for spiritual reasons?” while getting my lady parts done. #forevergrateful – NR

* Ladies, be not afraid to remove the caterpillars from thine upper lips. You don’t want to be distracted by that when the time comes to go on seek and destroy missions for wild chin hairs. Trust me! – LA

* Sometimes they’re just upselling. And sometimes we really are Tom Selleck. – ST

* I’ve reached the point where I’m like “sigh. Might as well take the chin hairs, too. JUST TAKE ALL THESE GORILLAS IN THE MIDST OFF MY FACE PLEASE.” – AN

* My waxer did my brows AND my forehead. Da hell? Apparently I have been walking around with my brows and hairline near connecting. – MW

* Whenever they say, “You are sure?” I re-evaluate my life. – BH

* Thank you for straight checking me. Do you remember? “So, when are you going to let me do something to get rid of the stache?” I had a pale outline of where it used to be for a week. I have an at home kit now. I attack my face weekly. Can’t be fluffy (fat) and furry. Gotta pick a struggle. – LR

* As my aesthetician was finishing my facial, she asked if I wanted my mustache done. *record scratch* Hunh? Uhh, yeah, ok. Why did she also wax the INSIDE of my nose?!! I called my friends like, why do y’all hate me?! Y’all been letting me walk around with hairs hanging out my nose?! Obviously there was some kinda issues happening if she had to get all up inside my nostrils!! And may I add that you don’t know pain until someone waxes the inside of your muhfuggin nose! – TS

* Ladies, either forgo the shame and foolish pride, or walk around lookin like Bert. Sesame st, and Reynolds. – DCP

* Whenever I turn down a lip wax, my aestheticist always asks, “are you sure?!” really, really loudly. And I always end up saying, “well, dang, ok then.” – TT

* I love when they put it in the form of a question. Like why you tryna play me? You wax my bits on the regular. Just snatch it. I think we’re past the point of being formal. – TH

* Mine is an Asian lady and she will tell me quick- why you no come sooner, now I have to work hard! – SN

* Yaaaaassss! Story of my life! My Korean sista:”You wanna do leep [lip]?” Me: “Lip? No, I’m fine.” MKS: “Oh, noooo….you NEED me do leep, honey!” “It too thick like fur baby, okay?” O_O *crickets* (Dayum. No she didn’t go there) – KW

* I have been very confident that I have no moustache-I DO NOT-till my 3yo shamed me a few wks ago talmbout “mummy you have a moustache ” – CC

* I take too long and she will suck her teeth and say “I charge you more”…. I complain & she says you got more hair, I charge more money”.  Heffa makes me sick. – TED

* Mine was doing my lashes and asked, “Have you ever considered a nasal hair waxing?” – PB

* Mine just suggests ” upper lip?” And the last time I went she asked me if I touched “her” eyebrows. #demaintminenomore – LP

* When you try to save money and do them brows at home and have to go back in shame…#soyouthinkyoucanwax – NR

* It’s like when someone asks if you want a peppermint. The answer is always YES. – QM

* Due to scheduling conflicts one time I had to shave between brazilian waxes and when I went to her for that first wax after shaving, I caught holy hell!! She chastised me and showed no mercy while she was waxing and even had a little evil laugh. Then she said “don’t do that again”. Only because I’ve been going to her for 3 years did I let her get away with that..lol. She was super ass childish, but I don’t trust anyone but her. – LWW

* I went to get my legs waxed at a new place because I just moved a month ago. I didn’t want to go in with the other areas I usually get snatched until I know the aesthetician and I’m comfy with the place but the look this old Russian lady gave me when she asked if I wanted my brows done too, shamed me into letting her wax my brows, lip, chin, legs, and bikini. Then she patted me on the shoulder when I was leaving the room and said, “see you in 4 weeks.” It was a statement, not a question. Guess she’s going to be my new waxer…sigh! Lucky for me I liked her and my brows have never looked better. – CB

* Once I went in to get my eyebrows done and the lady actually scolded me. “You wait too long! You ha too much heh!” – VDL

* How to tell if you have a stache: wash your face, if water beads up on your upper lip? It is tahm! – YR

* I’d rather be asked about my ‘stache than to have my Brazilian waxer ask if I want both cheeks done instead of just between. I just…that’s a whole ‘nother level of shame. – KAG

* I will never be able to innocently look at a woman’s mustache again. I will forever associate ladystaches with a Colombian man wearing a poncho and gunnysack, walking through the mountains picking coffee beans. – BB

* Luvvie, whatever you do when the time comes do not, I repeat DO NOT, EVER get your upper lip threaded!! Besides childbirth, I’m sure it’s the most painful thing you could ever willingly go through. Please, don’t do it. – JB

* I do get my brows threaded but my lip? Nawl. Not after the one time Saavi (my EX threader) ripped the edges of my mouf off and I couldn’t open or close my mouth for two days. I lost 5 Ibs, I ain’t but a buck five to begin with. – KAJ

* I got my upper lip threaded once and legit cried in the car. – MR

* I’m loyal to my waxologist. She gives me life advice, coos at pictures of my nephew on my iPhone and shares hilarious stories of her non-cooking in-laws with me between rips. She *almost* makes me forget I’m spread eagle on a table putting hot wax close to my lady bits. I went once and got a “sub” because my lady wasn’t available and she did not know the art of small talk. Let me tell you something – bikini waxing is NOT the place for awkward silences. – CCN

* Lip threading is like 10,000 bees went to town on your top lip. You will cry a million tears and they will still tell you to stick your lip out. Never again. – TD

* I made the mistake of letting this woman thread my lip ONE TIME!!! I nearly punched her in the face….no ma’am……not NEVA again!!!! – MB

* I got my eyebrows threaded once…felt like I was getting electrocuted. I couldn’t let her finish. – MB

* I get my brows threaded but that lip threading is up there somewhere with water boarding. – KA

* I prefer to go full-on Fu Man Chu rather than lip threading. No sank you. – PJ

* A good Brazilian will have you strolling out of there like the Bee Gees made a song just for you. – KAG

* Gurl, I got a wax the week of my wedding/honeymoon. By the time she was done with me, not only did I see Jesus, I think Buddha visited too. The pain! Kitty was on fire and I wasn’t able to consummate my new marriage for about two weeks after that. – MDS

* And don’t let folks talk you into sugaring, that shyt is the devil….you think sugar, that can’t be that bad, until she’s rubbing it on you to warm it up and its snatching hairs and shyt like you’ve gum in your cha cha. I swear after that first snatch, I sat straight up and was like BYTCH. I contemplated telling the Mr that it was a new style, like a side landing strip or something. – SM

* This thread should come with a trigger warning. Threading for my brows is bearable, but, I was lured into the trap when she told me I needed my lip threaded. I’m having PTSD right now from that ish. Pretty sure its against the Geneva Conventions… – KJ

* Noooooo! I’ve had two babies without pain meds and I CRIED during my Brazilian and made her stop. Call your local anesthesiologist and get some propofol before you go in there. – SH

* I used to wax pretty regularly but I stopped. Gonna have to start again; all gray and gnarly looking like Frederick Douglass is not the business. – AL

* Hold up-the WORST is when your waxer is in a bad mood. I lost my forehead one day last year because whoever pissed off the lady doing my eyebrows before I got there had her snatching DNA and unexpressed genes from my face. I actually cried and had to ask her to stop once she reached for the tweezers. – AN

* I have long been about that facial grooming. However, I was SO late to The Brazilian Life. Because. Well. The Secret Garden didn’t want to be so aggressively denuded. Nevertheless, y’all wrong for not warning me about the post wax Wild Tinkle. Ladies. I wasn’t ready. – NMS

* No lie… First time I had a Brazilian I went out to eat with my mom and aunt after…go to the bathroom… Hit the squat and hover and inadvertently gave the stall a golden shower… I was MORTIFIED…I had to leave my panties in the trash and go commando the rest of evening. – SM

* I’d rather have the swelling than the pain of threading. Besides, my brows are thinner than male pattern baldness greasy comb-over style. They’d be threading my thoughts, not my brows. – SS

* I went to get my hair twisted and had to pass by the threader. I’d rather be tortured than get my eyebrows threaded. It’s just painful! As I passed she said “You gonna get those done today?” So I sat down in her chair. #YesImaCoward. – YP

* I got my lip waxed once and met my then-boyfriend for lunch right afterward. He says, “Why is your skin so red under your nose?” Ten beats of silence go by and then I say, “I’m congested and used Vicks Vaporub on my upper lip to clear me out.” o_0 – EJN

* I saw a girl in a midriff that had 4c hair so thick on her stomach, I almost gagged from the sight of it. – LM

* Whenever I turn down a lip wax, my aestheticist always asks, “are you sure?!” really, really loudly. And I always end up saying, “well, dang, ok then.” – TT

* I’m serious about my cuca waxing. Fresh wax makes me feel like I should leap everywhere. But sometimes those weeks in between appointments can get trill…especially if you’ve got “plans”. I deal with my waxer’s judgment but it’s no match for my apathy about it all. Let me help you help me… or I’ll scream and scare away the customers. – JS

* My lady keeps asking me to wax my mustache but I keep telling her “Hell No, I’m growing that ish out. But let me slide you this here bref mint real quick and the number to my dentist.” Please don’t shame me into a corner because I come out fighting and no holds are barred. – RR

* First and last time getting a Brazilian was in Brazil, where waxing is a way of life. I guessed from the stares I got as I emerged from the little waxing room not everyone hollers like I did. #nothanks – DC

* I’m dating a new dude and he said I see you got a little moustache. I said is that a problem? He said “nah man”. I’m going to get this shit waxed on Thursday lol – MPB

* I kept picking at my throat and asked my husband to take a look. He said he needed to get some tools to fix it… tweezers and his razor. – SG

* My ‘stache is like the walking dead. .. I had that bish LASERED… and I still gotta pay the lady in the back room of Delhi Bazaar for some monthly thread action. – SS

* Never ever get a wax job when pregnant. She snatched out my kitchen so fast my soul broke up with me and left. I almost went into labour. I didn’t know I would be extra sensitive down there. Even my unborn child felt my pain. – CT

* Nah bruh…I’m allergic to the wax. Got it done once I was so swollen I looked surprised for hours. No ma’am. – JT

* That lady told me, “it no hurt” and after she ripped all of my intestines through my lip I said, “you lie!!!!!” I shave my lip now using Cremo shave cream. You only need a pearl drop and the bonus: I get to keep my innards. – RN

* My eyebrow threader has a shop (storefront) in the mall. Her twin sister had a threading kiosk in the same mall in another section. So when I try to sneak past them because I’m busy, I get double shame. Same expression. Same, “You’re really not coming in?” As they reach out and run a thumb across my non-existent unibrow. I’ve never had one. But it works. – AB

* I’m scared I’m going to turn into Aunt Bunny when I get older. (This post reminded me I need to pluck this disrespectful ass chin hair that keeps growing back.) – ED

* For many years I would use bleach on the ‘stache and it worked just fine. Then at about 45 the bleach threw its little hands in the air and ran away screaming…”I just can’t do it Cap’n” so now I wax. I try to get it done before I begin to look like Fred Flintstone (usually every 3 weeks) but I ALWAYS get it taken care of before a speaking engagement cuz I #SweaterGawd they can see it from the rafters. – SD

* This kind of shame adds balance to the world. And I’m thankful for it. And will leave a tip for the trouble. – AH

* I had a hard time at first. Getting my eyebrows done, and Tammy is like “You want lip?” In my head I was all “LIP? I NEVER GET LIP! I DON’T NEED LIP!” But I just gave her my kicked-puppy look and she was like “It’s okay, I do lip.” And yes, she showed it to me afterwards like she knew exactly what I was thinking. ~sigh~ – MG

* Your mustache shouldn’t tickle his!!! I’ve seen so many full stashes here lately. – EG

* My mother in law refuses to get her ‘stach handled but gets her brows done regularly. I am sooooo confused. – AK

* I’ve never had a stache (yet) but I’m super pale and every time I get my eyebrows done I turn neon red and look like Ronald McDonald. I used to see this woman Berta at Wax Poetic in LA and after my first Brazilian I had to sit on frozen peas. I did not see Berta again, but had a long and loving relationship with Iran until I moved to DC, she is the one who spoke truth to me about my little “bunny belly hairs” They’re harsh. But I’m smooth. – SSD

* If waxing is not your thing – try threading – same result – and for me, it last longer and isn’t as harsh as waxing. The result is the same, no one will get you confused for your brother or husband at a quick glance! – RMC

* As I looked in the mirror this morning and said to myself, self you are looking like a boy just starting puberty above the upper lip. No more selfies and I need to go see Dahl that’s my waxer. Every time she finishes with my chin and upper lip she says ” look like a different person look like lady now not man” and chuckles! For real Dahl, I just chuckles with her cause what else can I do with that truth. – MB

* I appreciate that my hairdresser and waxer are one and the same. She gets all in my business! She will wax my brows and then swoop down and tweeze any stray chin hairs and then…”Are we doing the lip today?”.  – JET

* Nah, we just gone put a little edge control pomade on that ‘Stache’ and let it be…I can only deal with eyebrow trauma not eyebrow and ‘Stache’ trauma at the same time. – CL

* Just make sure ya mind is right before you say yes! That upper lip hurts more than a Brazilian. It will have THUG tears coming from your eyes. – CW

* I remember my first “are we waxing your mustache too?” I was devastated but glad she told me because I didn’t even know I had one! – YH

* Nawww. Eff dat. I’m still in denial. I wanna fight her every time she asks. – TED

* I need to make my way to my waxer. The eyebrows are starting to look like Eugene Levy and I need a Brazilian! I know she’s gonna clown me…. – KGC

* The nail technician once asked me if I wanted my eyebrows and top lip done. I responded, “F*ck you kindly Li but no.” But we’re cool like that. – RUJ

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This is why me and LuvvNation go together. They get me. They are with me. We are one.