Famous folks

What I Imagine Kanye and Kim’s Wedding Day Will Be Like

Word on these streets is that the King and Queen of Can’t Have a Seat (Kanye West and Kim Kardashian) will be getting married Saturday in Florence, Italy. These two do not know how NOT to be extra, which means the wedding will probably be overly gaudy, full of the who’s who of Hollywood and fashion and super expensive.

It’s all so exciting, and I’m REALLY looking forward to the fittings, the tantrums, the tears! Kim will be there too!

kim-kanye-west-z

The Outfits (Alphets)

How I imagine the day will go is this: Kanye will have his tuxedo flown in from Egypt, because it had to be taken to the Pyramids for a special blessing beforehand. It will be made of silk that was hand-sewn by a toothless 100-year old woman who lives in the Appalachian Mountains. He will drape it with King Jaffe Joffer’s lion fur because there is nothing less on this special day.

His shoes will be Lanvin, with royal pony hair. His main accessory will be his trademark scowl, and maybe his gold grill.

Too much fashion gif

Meanwhile, Kim will be squozed (yes, because squeezed just won’t do this justice) in a bodycon wedding dress that’s diamond-encrusted with a mermaid tail. There will be cutouts on the hips, and every Instagram fashion designer will be replicating it by Monday morning. Her face will be snatched to perfection with all the contouring and highlighting we can all stand. Her shoes will be the first ever Louboutin Balenciaga Laurent (LouCiagaRent) collaboration because Kim couldn’t decide who to wear so Kanye called them all and begged on her behalf.

This will be epic. I’m already into it.

The Ceremony

I imagine that Kanye will have angels hanging from the ceiling of the chapel, just like Tyler Perry did. Except these angels will be rapping his songs instead of playing harps as the wedding party walks in. When the bridesmaids and groomsmen are all settled in the front of the church, the ceiling will open, and a helicopter will drop in. Everyone was probably told in advance to hold on to their wigs and not wear hats. Kanye will exit the copter as lights flash, rapping “I gotta testify. Come up in the spot looking extra fly…”

Kanye finger snap gif

Read the rest of Imagining the splendor of Kanye and Kim’s Italian wedding on my Luvvie’s Lane column on TheGrio!

Ugh. I wish they could livestream it. I’d get my whole life!

Oh and by the way, according to TMZ, Kanye has planned the whole thing almost himself, because he wants to surprise Kim. As if making her stick to mostly earth tones and black leather this past year and a half hasn’t been enough. This wedding is gonna be so great to recap once we get all the tea.

The bride and groom will be exchanging their vows at Versailles and then the reception is happening at a 16th century fort in Florence, Italy. It figures that the KimYe wedding will happen in 2 cities in 2 countries on another continent that neither of them are from. It’s only right that they’ll go out of their way to do the most.

Also, guests know nothing about what’s going to happen in Florence and where they’re staying. They don’t even know about how they’re going to get from Paris to Florence. Chile… again, I lowkey wish I was going because shenanigans will be plenty.

Guurrrlll owl gif

Anywho, what do y’all think the KimYe wedding will be like?

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64 Comments

  1. L
    May 23, 2014 at 1:52 pm

    “It figures that the KimYe wedding will happen in 2 cities in 2 countries on another continent that neither of them are from. It’s only right that they’ll go out of their way to do the most.” DEAD -__-

    • Tamara
      May 23, 2014 at 2:45 pm

      I know that part killed me too!! Lol

      • Ronicaone
        May 24, 2014 at 10:46 am

        Saw Jay referred to it as a circus already. You know that is the original down low bro. Did his ish so cool folks still ain’t figured out what happened.

  2. ERIN
    May 23, 2014 at 1:58 pm

    That Kanye gif, made me bust out laughing at work with a lobby full of patients! ***DEAD***

    • Tonyas2sweet
      May 23, 2014 at 3:32 pm

      I did the same on the train these people looking at me like I’m crazy

    • Max
      May 23, 2014 at 7:50 pm

      The cackle I let out on my couch. The cat just side eyes the shit outta me.

  3. Shevy
    May 23, 2014 at 1:59 pm

    Don’t forget the girls walking ahead of Ye and throwing rose petals on the ground so his red bottoms don’t touch the floor.

  4. May 23, 2014 at 2:07 pm

    Instead of an ordained minister…they are going to have Morgan Freeman narrating their love life before the attendees.

    Kanye is going to do a song for Kim like Runaway or like Reverend Rueben Gregory in Amen when he surprised Thelma with a drill team performance at the end of their vows.

    I will like to think they are going to do the Cupid Shuffle, Electric Slide, Cha Cha Slide or some other type of ghetto hokey pokey…but the way Kanye West’s arrogance is set up…I mean…

    • Shantel
      May 23, 2014 at 2:54 pm

      Not the drill team tho! LOL

    • Lisa
      May 23, 2014 at 8:47 pm

      I expect FAMU’s entire band to perform

    • Daliance
      May 24, 2014 at 6:23 am

      Holy shit! Best comment!
      Morgan Freeman (because heist God).
      The Cupid Shuffle, Electric And Cha Cha Slide.
      Marching band!
      I spit out my drink!
      I can’t even.

    • MsMWins
      May 24, 2014 at 10:39 am

      Yes to the “Amen” reference. Deacon Frye did his best George Jefferson down that aisle!

    • Simone
      May 24, 2014 at 11:43 pm

      Not Morgan Freeman narrating their life!! I’m so so weak!!

  5. May 23, 2014 at 2:14 pm

    Sounds like extravagant ass white adoration and self-hatred to me. Pass.

    • May 23, 2014 at 2:18 pm

      Right. And that’s why it’ll be awesome to watch!

    • jimmy
      May 23, 2014 at 3:48 pm

      Yes yes yes! And hasn’t that been what his entire life is about lately. I’ve long-since lost my taste for this version of Kanye. This is precisely the reason I hope he scuffs his shoes.

      • mizzpicklezz
        May 24, 2014 at 10:09 am

        You know he will be extra pisstrated if he scuffs his shoes!!! LOL XD

        • Sunny
          May 24, 2014 at 12:30 pm

          Pisstrated. haHaHA!!

      • Sarah D.
        May 24, 2014 at 11:00 am

        bahahahahahah this is so petty and perfect

        • TraciB.
          May 24, 2014 at 2:46 pm

          Not scuffs his shoes! Too funny!

      • Natasha
        May 24, 2014 at 8:56 pm

        My s/o had to cover his ears since I laughef extra hard at the visual of him scuffing his shoes!

  6. mobaygurl
    May 23, 2014 at 2:22 pm

    waiting with baited breath for your recap, more than the wedding!

  7. Shantel
    May 23, 2014 at 2:41 pm

    I know Yeezy done hired them hologram people to have Luther sing “Here and Now” for the processional. I just know it.

    • Shevy
      May 23, 2014 at 2:42 pm

      LMAO! Yuuuuuusssss!

    • May 23, 2014 at 3:17 pm

      OH MY GOD…NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO….DON’T DO LUTHER LIKE THAT

    • May 23, 2014 at 3:18 pm

      WILL IT BE BIG LUTHER OR LITTLE LUTHER BY THE WAY???

      • Shantel
        May 23, 2014 at 4:05 pm

        Big Luther..of course!

        • Max
          May 23, 2014 at 7:55 pm

          Right. With the curl that ain’t quite right.

        • Mai
          May 23, 2014 at 9:05 pm

          Big Luther, with the purple tuxedo jacket…

    • Mo
      May 23, 2014 at 3:32 pm

      I literally hollered at this! Even Luther’s hologram would refuse to be a part of this tawdry display of foolishness.

    • NannyKells
      May 23, 2014 at 6:57 pm

      THIS!!!! Tell me why I actually believe this could happen. Lol I had to tip my head back for that one.

    • Elizy
      May 24, 2014 at 11:02 am

      ahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! not luther hollagram! i can’t breathe. (actually that aint a bad business idea…..hollagram deceased artists)

  8. Riley B
    May 23, 2014 at 2:51 pm

    Kanyabba is going to REALIZE that those Kardashians are going to cut his nuts. He will longer be in charge of $#hit and Chris is going to absorb his assets. These Ho’s ultimate goals are to become wealthier than the Hiltons, but that will never happen because the Poonanny gets old.

    • Serenity
      May 23, 2014 at 5:23 pm

      And that’s why they keep popping out new Kasrdashian baby girls to replace them. Penelope and North should be ready once Kendall and Kylie’s coochies get old…..

  9. Milaxx
    May 23, 2014 at 2:52 pm

    This is gonna be such a hot mess! Watch somebody get kicked out for trying to record this on their cell phone. Kim is such a try hard her own brother isn’t coming because his girlfriend wasn’t a big enough name to be invited to the wedding.

  10. Syrich
    May 23, 2014 at 3:59 pm

    So the two people I detest most in this world not only gave birth to a child but are now getting married in my two of my favorite places in the world. Lord, why let these fools defile historical landmarks. Poor Kanye has been free falling every since his mom died. Lord if she was only here to keep these skanks away from her child. At some point the song “I ain’t say she a golddigger, but she aint … broke … .” Why, why do black men love to give/throw their money away?

    P.s. I wonder will the Carters be in attendance.

    • Lurker
      May 23, 2014 at 9:22 pm

      I agree totally. He has been a wreck since his Mom died. I think he would be in a different place if she were still here.
      P.S. Don’t know how true, but interwebs say JayZ will be his best man.

  11. MissMelia
    May 23, 2014 at 4:16 pm

    So…am I the only person that thought of Nene while looking at that owl gif?? I am? Oh. Okay.

  12. Anon
    May 23, 2014 at 7:54 pm

    Luvvie:

    Bet you could make up rib-breaking stand-up routine from this. It had me looking a fool rofl in front of my SO

  13. Kourtney
    May 23, 2014 at 8:16 pm

    On an unrelated note, does anyone know what video the GIF of Kanye dancing is from? It’s driving me crazy!

  14. Tia Harrison
    May 24, 2014 at 12:54 am

    Kanye’s ears are burnin right now. They gotta add a ceremony so he can get Kim them LouCiagaRents. He’s pissed & don’t eem know why! Miss Luvvie hats off to you. I was crying on here & then went over to The Grio and got hit with “when they…leave the church, people will throw the crumbs of the last meteor that crashed into the Earth”. DEAD

  15. May 24, 2014 at 8:48 am

    Why are you like this Luvvie?
    I went through this nodding along saying yes , correct, then I got to the end and saw that Owl, and was like oh snap, she saw me all along. Neck snapping “correct” !!.

    • Sunny
      May 24, 2014 at 12:34 pm

      That owl is everything I need. I am entirely slain.

    • Shakira
      June 1, 2014 at 6:43 pm

      That owl. Lawd that owl. I. Hollered.

  16. msdrema
    May 24, 2014 at 10:52 am

    I feel in my soul that Donda West is going to make some kind of appearance some kind of way, a photo or collage or something in remembrance of her. Please God, if you never answer another prayer of mine, please do not let him hologram her!

  17. Hidaya
    May 24, 2014 at 12:44 pm

    Laugh at Kim k if u wanna, but she can teach single black women how to make a black man DROOL over u despite 2 failed marriages & a sexxxx tape.
    Kanye luv his Kim! No public figured black woman has been publicly adored like her despite her past. Interesting.

    • Syrich
      May 24, 2014 at 1:32 pm

      I am sorry but I disagree about KK being able to teach black women anything. She is a success not because of her abilities (accept for her ability to manipulate (mass marketing) social media and to capitalize on the ignorance of others). She is actually just lucky because she has come along during a time when non-black women are the latest trend among immature self-hating black men. This phenom blows my mind that black men are going crazy over women with such bad reputations. It is a testament at how lazy a lot (not all) black men have become, which is demonstrated by their great need for “easy” women. KK, 5″ plus heels along with women publically behaving like strippers has a shelf life. Currently, we are living in a sexually driven culture that romanticizes gangsta lifestyle. We are glamorizing being nasty as well as prison life. Sooner or later good sense always prevail. Unfortunately by the time this unbalance in social standards has been modified and black men realize that you can’t turn a whore into a housewife, they will return to the women who has always stood by them, black women. The irony, however is that black women (us) will once again be left alone to raise a bunch of fatherless children who will probably not be their children, but the children of non-black women who were once involved with black men. I say we show the world we could not give a good damn about what these people do, by pulling a Ms. Jackson move and marry a fine rich Muslim.

      • Hidaya
        May 29, 2014 at 7:28 pm

        You’ve overdosed on hater aide. You’ll be fine…. After u take Kim’s class on “How to make The Industry Love You, Part I.”

        In my Nene Leakes voice, who by the way, is just as “lucky” as Kim K is… Buh Bye!

        LoL

  18. What A Sad, Sad, Sad, Sad, Sad, Sad, Sad, Sad, Sad, Sad FILTHY Woman
    May 24, 2014 at 7:12 pm

    What a sad woman. She is old, not wanted by any QUALITY man, in a fake relationship, has a b astard child that she doesn’t care for, and is acting like she did BEFORE she had the baby. Anyone with half a brain knows that Kim either paid for this ring herself OR the ring is on loan. Kanye did NOT buy this ring for Kim, and neither was Kim surprised by the scripted and already planned “proposal.” Kim WISHES she were marrying Reggie Bush, but Bush wisely fuckkkked her in all her holes and put her out with the trash and moved on with his life. This is a “relationship” of convenience: Kanye thinks it will make people not call him gay anymore (NOT!) and Kim thinks it will make her respectable and make people forget about that vile sex tape (NOT!). Sadly, the world will NEVER respect a woman that showed her snatch, sucked d1ck, took d1ck in her azz, ate f ecal matter (sh1t) off that d1ck that came out of her azz or got cummmmmmed on.

  19. IgNori to Kim Trash
    May 24, 2014 at 7:14 pm

    “Mommy, why did you let that man put his weiner in your butt in that nasty movie? All the kids at school were talking about it and even pulled it up on the Internet. It’s totally true Mom, so don’t even try to deny it. I SAW you, plain as day, suck that man’s weiner, bend over and let that man stick his weiner deep in your butt while you were laughing and begging him to “F uck you harder!” and after that, you even ate your own poo that was on that man’s dirty weiner AFTER he removed his weiner out of your butt!!!! Also, that man peed on you. PEED!!!! Even animals don’t do THAT to each another. EWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!! You are one filthy woman, mom. I wish that I had anyone else for a mother but a skanky w h0re like you. You disgust and repulse me.”

  20. 3 Reasons I LOVE Reggie Bush
    May 24, 2014 at 7:16 pm

    (1.) NEVER at ANY TIME did Reggie Bush ever PUBLICLY admit that he dated Kim (Reggie [email protected] Kim. He NEVER dated her); (2.) NEVER at ANY TIME did Reggie Bush ever PUBLICLY state OR insinuate that he EVER planned to marry this deep-dicking, pee-stained sex tape trash. Although KIM always ran to the media promising a wedding, Reggie NEVER PUBLICLY said this because he NEVER intended to marry Kim; and (3.) After OVER THREE YEARS [email protected] this plastic, pathetic Armenian, sex tape pig in the azz AND peeing on her plastic face, he DUMPED KIM AND MOVED ON WITH HIS LIFE! Yes. You gotta love Reggie Bush for ALWAYS KEEPING IT REAL!!!! He [email protected] this pig in the azz and peed on her plastic face for OVER THREE YEARS, AND PUT THIS WH0RE OUT WITH THE TRASH AND PROMPTLY MOVED ON WITH HIS LIFE! GO REGGIE!!!

  21. Kim and Kanye's "Romantic" Proposal
    May 24, 2014 at 7:18 pm

    Kanye: “Kim, will you pull that dude’s dong out yo’ butt, I got something to ask you?” Kim: “Whaaaaaat? Kanye: “Kim, stop yo’ buttbanging that dude, I got a question for yo.” Kim: “Whaaaaaaaaaat?” Kanye, “Shucks B I T C H, will yo marry me?” Kim: “Surrrrrrrrrrrrre, Honey, you’re my one and only…..woooo, woooooo, WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!”

  22. Only Ugly Black Men Get Involved With This W H O R E
    May 24, 2014 at 11:21 pm

    Why is it that the ONLY men that get involved with this shit-eating C U N T are ugly Black men? Folks can get mad at me, but it’s true. Her first husband was Black. Kris Humphries was half Black. Kanye is Black. They ALL look like apes (Reggie Bush had a monkey face too!). It’s the truth. Do Black men worship white women so much that they would get the TRASHIEST AND MOST FILTHY one they can find? Kim is NOT hot. She is short and has no talent. She is a prostitute that allowed RaeJae to abuse her body on film (buttfucking galore!) and THEN signed the release so the world could see her nasty self. With ALL of the beautiful white women out there, WHY would Kanye hook up with one that does not look good AND is a shit-eating W H O R E that COUNTLESS Black men have pumped in the azz and dumped?

    • Mimi
      May 25, 2014 at 3:08 pm

      Say it with me now…

      Relax

      Relate

      Release

      • Syrich
        May 25, 2014 at 3:27 pm

        LOL, it got deep in here real quick. Sorry I think I open the flood gates. Now I am waiting on Luvvie to make me laugh with her thoughts on this foolishness, I mean wedding.

  23. Syrich
    May 24, 2014 at 11:47 pm

    Ok Luvvie, over 200 in attendance, but no Carters. Now, go Luvvie, recap remix.

  24. Truth
    May 25, 2014 at 7:29 pm

    Watch the SEX TAPE. She plays to the camera. No love or feelings in her face while she is getting rammed in her bulbous rear end. That tape not only demeans women it shows Kim being abused and debased. It’s disgusting and perverted. The fact that she signed the release on it just shows what kind of person she really is. She also makes millions on royalties from it. People with character would never make the tape in the first place. Secondly, anyone with character and ethics would have done everything in their power to stop the release of such a vile tape. She made her fame and fortune off of something that shows her being cummmmmed on and rammed in the rear.

  25. Syrich
    May 26, 2014 at 11:23 am

    I am proud to say I have never seen her sex tape nor any of her shows. I refuse to acknowledge her and am only doing so now because I love Luvvie pov on these matters. Anyway the release of a sex tape to gain fame is a true testament of one’s character. I remember when Jacqueline Kennedy made a sex tape with her then husband Isaac and it basically ended her career. Now sex tapes are career makers. And to add to that irony, a very nasty girl is getting another “fairytale” wedding. So how do you convince your young ladies to value their virtue, when sluts like this are _______.

  26. President of the NAACP
    May 26, 2014 at 4:47 pm

    “As the President of the NAACP, I would like to officially state that members of our community overwhelmingly believe Kanye West to be, by far, THE DUMBEST N I G G A on the planet, and thus feel the need to give him to the white race. Do what you want with him, but please know that we DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT want him. And before you ask, we will NEVER ask you for him. PLEASE TAKE HIM. He’s yours forever.”

  27. Tae
    May 27, 2014 at 8:43 am

    You forgot one important fact: Momma Kris goes around snatching up cell phones and threatening wedding guests over “careless tweets”, while reminding them of their non-diclosure agreement. And in true Ike Turner fashion, she’d raise five fingers in their faces while screaming, “I’ll FINE you ass!” I can just picture Black Chyna rolling her neck, while flipping her virgin Indian Yaki over her right shoulder while giving Momma Kris her true South Florida ghetto girl attitude: “Who dis bee-tch thank she tawlkan too?”

  28. Nkenge
    May 27, 2014 at 8:47 pm

    I couldn’t read past that 1st Kanye jpeg. I just can’t.

  29. June 7, 2014 at 4:38 pm

    Luvvie, this was funniest article I’ve ever read. I giggled like I never had before. IDK, I actually like Kim, she seems sweet but sighly fame-hungry (notice the understatement). As for Kanye, I think he’s one hell of an hypocrite. Have you noticed that he went from black Alexis, to mixed Amber (who’s skin is white), to finish with white Kim? The guy who rant about race inequalities at every occasion he’s going to marry a girl who admitted recently that she didn’t realize racism was still present until she gave birth to a biracial baby (her PR agent probably whispered those words into her ears, so that she can seems concerned about world issues). Anyway, I wish them happiness but I feel Kanye is losing himself in the Kardashian. I mean during this wedding, I’ve never heard about Kanye’s family or even saw them. I saw the klan Kardashian in its entirety though. When he’ll lose his utility to them, I can totally picture Kim seeking divorce for emotional or even physical abuse. And Kim drag her beautiful face on every talk show to wail about her (third) failed marriage. Anyway, I wish Kimye LOT OF JOY.

  30. June 7, 2014 at 4:40 pm

    I’m not even sure that their wedding is real. I’m happy that the Carters staid away from this foolishness.