What I Imagine Kanye and Kim’s Wedding Day Will Be Like
Word on these streets is that the King and Queen of Can’t Have a Seat (Kanye West and Kim Kardashian) will be getting married Saturday in Florence, Italy. These two do not know how NOT to be extra, which means the wedding will probably be overly gaudy, full of the who’s who of Hollywood and fashion and super expensive.
It’s all so exciting, and I’m REALLY looking forward to the fittings, the tantrums, the tears! Kim will be there too!
The Outfits (Alphets)
How I imagine the day will go is this: Kanye will have his tuxedo flown in from Egypt, because it had to be taken to the Pyramids for a special blessing beforehand. It will be made of silk that was hand-sewn by a toothless 100-year old woman who lives in the Appalachian Mountains. He will drape it with King Jaffe Joffer’s lion fur because there is nothing less on this special day.
His shoes will be Lanvin, with royal pony hair. His main accessory will be his trademark scowl, and maybe his gold grill.
Meanwhile, Kim will be squozed (yes, because squeezed just won’t do this justice) in a bodycon wedding dress that’s diamond-encrusted with a mermaid tail. There will be cutouts on the hips, and every Instagram fashion designer will be replicating it by Monday morning. Her face will be snatched to perfection with all the contouring and highlighting we can all stand. Her shoes will be the first ever Louboutin Balenciaga Laurent (LouCiagaRent) collaboration because Kim couldn’t decide who to wear so Kanye called them all and begged on her behalf.
This will be epic. I’m already into it.
I imagine that Kanye will have angels hanging from the ceiling of the chapel, just like Tyler Perry did. Except these angels will be rapping his songs instead of playing harps as the wedding party walks in. When the bridesmaids and groomsmen are all settled in the front of the church, the ceiling will open, and a helicopter will drop in. Everyone was probably told in advance to hold on to their wigs and not wear hats. Kanye will exit the copter as lights flash, rapping “I gotta testify. Come up in the spot looking extra fly…”
Read the rest of Imagining the splendor of Kanye and Kim’s Italian wedding on my Luvvie’s Lane column on TheGrio!
Ugh. I wish they could livestream it. I’d get my whole life!
Oh and by the way, according to TMZ, Kanye has planned the whole thing almost himself, because he wants to surprise Kim. As if making her stick to mostly earth tones and black leather this past year and a half hasn’t been enough. This wedding is gonna be so great to recap once we get all the tea.
The bride and groom will be exchanging their vows at Versailles and then the reception is happening at a 16th century fort in Florence, Italy. It figures that the KimYe wedding will happen in 2 cities in 2 countries on another continent that neither of them are from. It’s only right that they’ll go out of their way to do the most.
Also, guests know nothing about what’s going to happen in Florence and where they’re staying. They don’t even know about how they’re going to get from Paris to Florence. Chile… again, I lowkey wish I was going because shenanigans will be plenty.
Anywho, what do y’all think the KimYe wedding will be like?