Tina Fey’s Prayer For Her Daughter is Hilarity
I am a HUGE fan of Tina Fey. She’s one of my sheroes (along with her BFF Amy Poehler). I wanna be their third wheel so bad. They’re the main reason I even feel like watching the Golden Globe Awards tonight.
Last year, I read Tina’s book Bossypants and it’s the funniest book I’ve ever read, behind Angela Nissel’s Broke Diaries. I was cackling out loud as I went through the pages. One of the most hilarious sections was a prayer that Tina wrote for her daughter, and I just had to share it.
First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.
May she be beautiful but not damaged, for it’s the damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the beauty.
When the crystal meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half and stick with beer.
Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.
Lead her away from acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes and not have to wear high heels.
What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.
May she play the drums to the fiery rhythm of her own heart with the sinewy strength of her own arms, so she need not lie with drummers.
Grant her a rough patch from twelve to seventeen. Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, for childhood is short – a tiger flower blooming magenta for one day – and adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.
O Lord, break the Internet forever, that she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers and the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.
And when she one day turns on me and calls me a bitch in front of Hollister, give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.
And should she choose to be a mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back.
“My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.
I just love her so much. Have you read Bossypants?
Yes..I love Tina Fey. I read Bossypants and loved it. I gave it to my son to read and never got it back. Can’t wait to watch her and Amy Poehler host the Globes tonight.
So funny! I share your adoration of Tina Fey! She is hilarious!
I so dig smart women.
Bossypants is easily the funniest book I’ve ever read. Definitely gonna read Broke Diaries now!
I must read this book for this is parenting truth.
I just said the same thing. She owes Luvvie a check or two from this post!
Hilarious! I haven’t read either book, but I will now!
I read this 6 months after having a daughter. I was still hormonal and this made me weep.
Great book and I save and watch ’30 Rock’ on my DVR like it’s my job. I highly recommend reading her SNL cast mate Rachel Dratch’s book “A Girl Walks into a Bar” too.
I haven’t read it, but I cried laughing at The Broke Diaries so if this comes second to that in hilarity, I need to get on it quickfast!
I haven’t read it either, but I will!
I just cackled at “Youdammit”!
Who says that?? LOLOL
WAIT! It wasn’t until I just read this comment that I got it! LAWD…the NyQuil don’ got me! Youdammit!!! hAHAhAAHaha….
I am going to have to get this book. If this prayer is any indication of how funny it is, I will be slayed.
You have sold me on reading this book. Will be grabbing ASAP
It’s on my 2014 reading list.
But can we talk about The Broke Diaries!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’ve purchased that book twice and it’s been stolen twice. I need Angela Nissel back in my life!
I have the audio version of Bossy Pants read by madam Fey. All I have to say about that is don’t listen to it while driving. Seriously… If you value your life and the lives of others, don’t do it. I damn near ran off the road several times fooling with Tina. Hilarity. I shall now download The Broke Diaries.
I bought the book but haven’t read it yet. I hear it is hilarious. After reading this, ooh I’m about to diiiiive in (equipped with my Trey Songz ugly face)
I read Bossypants and it is the ONLY book I have read during which I literally laughed out loud like every other page. Tina rocks.
I’m obsessed with Tina Fey and I love BossyPants! Luvvie, you should also read ”Man Up” by Ross Mathews! He’s hysterical too! I’m really into reading autobiographies by comedians these days – always worth it.
Bossypants has been on my to read bookshelf for the longest!! I’ve had it downloaded for a year now but this prayer is gon’ make me to get to it tonight!
I bought and loved the Broke Diaries because you talked about it when I first started lurking here year’s ago. Loved it!!!
Another funny fave is Mindy Kaling’s “Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns)?” Love these comediennes!