FashionThrowback Thursday

The Aphrodisiac Onesie: Throwback Thursday

It’s a new year but I want to look back at old times. Mainly because their fashions were so laughable. Although I’m pretty sure that 20 years in the future, the favor will be returned as our kids roast us for our ALPHETS.

Years ago, I stumbled upon this gem on a website called Rad Dudes, and I had to post it here again. Because it’s awesome.

Tacky 70s onesie

So basically CHALLONJ, fellas! This dude is rocking a bellbottom onesie and knowing that he is slaying everyone in a 5 mile radius. AND he wants to pull your woman while rocking it. He must think he’s Prince or something!

All that fierce that is oozing from the pic must be contagious. He is having a staring contest with the camera and clearly OWNING that pole. Y’all can’t tell him NOTHING! He is just thinking “Yes, I know you see me. I’m sexy aint I? You don’t even have to say it. You SEE me.” The way he’s standing with his hips to the left is key. The hips don’t lie. This is one confident dude.

But the picture and the ridiculousness of this onesie aren’t even my fave part. The caption is what makes this picture EVERYTHING.

“Because one is enough. when its you. Show where you’re headed in the ultimate fashion climax. Fits so tight it shows all you’ve got… you’re a walking turn-on. And treats your body as well as she does. Easy on. easy off. quick as a flick of her tongue. sexy cool crinkle cloth for those hot nights to come. Designed with your desires in mind… she’ll eat you alive in it. The Big Zip is 50% polyester / 50% cotton. Long-sleeved in rust, blue, or black. Short-sleeved in natural, blue or camel. Are you man enough to fill it?”

That sounds like the caption I would have written for this thing. Except they were actually SERIOUS! I’m kinda upset they beat me to the punch, though. This denim jumpsuit is apparently fabric viagra therefore you must get your life AND your groove on!

Let’s do point by point of the foolishness.

Ultimate Fashion Climax” – When you see this overgrown man in his denim onesie, you may just need to change your undies because you came TWICE. And it comes with a tape that plays “BOM CHICKA WAH WAH” over and over again. Everywhere you go, people will want to jump your bones because you will be a “Walking turn-on.”  THAT is how awesome this outfit is. I need to start referring to myself as a “walking turn-on” AT LEAST 5 times a week. Just because. And if you don’t agree, you’re just a hater. (-__-)

“Sexy Cool Crinkle Cloth” – Why am I thinking about taffeta at this description? Next time someone asks me what I’m rocking, I’mo tell them some “sexy COOL crinkle fabric” and then make music with the fabric. Shonuff.

“Long-sleeved in rust” – You mean to tell me there’s a shiny version of this? I imagine whoever puts that on would look like a human penny. This visual is fantastic! And by fantastic, I mean, scary and hilarious. I’d pay to see it. GOOD money too. And the fact that it comes in short-sleeve means they’re covering all their basis. You can maintain your segzy in the summer too.  BOOM!

Motherfuckers Tell Me Nothing nicki minaj gif

“Easy on, easy off.” – Because wearing pants AND a shirt is just too much work. Why not just put on this one-piece to cut your undressing time in half? You will NEED to be naked faster because the fact that you look like a denim straw will just make you too irresistible. GET. NEKKID. NOW! *swoons*

 “Are you man enough to fill it?” – THIS is the key question here. Why hasn’t Will Ferrell played a character that rocks this kinda onesie before? Wait… he has. Ricky Bobby!!! I bet this guy wakes up and pisses excellence.

Speaking of pissing… imagine this dude in the bathroom about to pee. He has to pull down his mile long zip to free his peen. Those musta been some awkward moments for the other guys standing by the urinals.

There’s so much more foolishness in this whole thing, including all them pockets on the jumpsuit. This onesie transforms you into a human purse. I bet he got a moustache comb in one of them pockets.

fucking-classy gif

I love the 70s because folks were tackier than Mama Tina Knowles in a glue gun & sequins factory. I’da loved to be alive during that time. I’d roast my own self to pieces.

So fellas, when are you buying your own segzy crinkle onesie? And ladies, feel free to let me know how many panny drawls you threw at the computer screen when you saw homeboy.

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  1. January 2, 2014 at 7:25 am

    Am I the only one that read this with Billy Dee Williams voice in my head?

    • Tonyas2sweet
      January 2, 2014 at 7:34 am

      Lmao. I did to

    • Niki
      January 2, 2014 at 11:34 am

      Actually I had more of an Isaac Hayes thang going on but same concept!!! LOL

    • milaxx
      January 2, 2014 at 1:07 pm

      Billy Dee in his best Colt45 malt liquor

    • Petranilla
      January 3, 2014 at 6:22 am

      BILLY BEE WILLIAMS PROBABLY OWNED ONE IN EVERY COLOUR THAT THEY HAD!!!!!! yes the caps was necessary… I just…

  2. January 2, 2014 at 8:52 am

    Luvvie, please be glad you weren’t grown in that walking mistake of hellish fashion hideousness called the 70’s, I was there. The only consolation is that EVERBODY looked like a fashion “DON’T” We all have selective amnesia and choose not to even THINK of how ridiculous we looked. Remember that “Flashy Thing” they used in Men In Black to erase people’s memories? We used that to just erase that whole era from the hard drive of our brain so we could get ready for the GIANT shoulder pads and innappropriate mega glitz of the 80’s.

    • Petranilla
      January 3, 2014 at 6:23 am

      I was there too!! Lord the flashbacks. I’ve destroyed all but a select few photographs.

  3. Jabari
    January 2, 2014 at 9:44 am

    He slayed the era and you heauxs will deal basically……so where can I find one of these?…jknk

  4. KayMac
    January 2, 2014 at 11:28 am

    Yeeeaaa….I stared at dude for about 10 minutes before I even read this post..after reading the post, I imagined what the commercial for this fabulous article of clothing would be like. Dude is walking down the street looking hella sexzy, and females are being slayed left and right when he looks at them…yup, that’s it.

  5. KathyMo
    January 2, 2014 at 11:43 am

    The description was the BEST! When I look at the picture, “More Than a Woman” Started playing in my head. What color platform shoes do you wear with this? Wonder how well he can Hustle in it?

  6. January 2, 2014 at 1:04 pm

    i can’t even focus on the task at hand, which should be roasting him from male Farrah Fawsett haired head to pigeon toed shoes, without humming outloud Kenny Rogers’ “The Gambler”…he clearly did not get the memos for when to hold em OR fold em with this alphet!

  7. milaxx
    January 2, 2014 at 1:09 pm

    Pretty sure HuggyBear rocked one of these with his lucite platforms with the goldfish inside them. 70’s fashions had everybody looking a fool.

  8. Absurdist
    January 2, 2014 at 5:09 pm

    It’s not tight enough around the junk to be truly seventies, though. Half a size smaller, and he can still wear underwear without anyone being the wiser.

  9. November 5, 2015 at 2:04 pm

    As fierce as that is, I still maintain that the Eleganza King Collar is the GOAT:

    • Empress
      November 6, 2015 at 12:56 pm

      Damb and Wow! Was that a colonial house kneegrow, or a African swashbuckler?!?! I can’t tell…elegance transcends eras. Definitely a fashion climax for me because I just wall-slid from a 3rd story window.