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The 10 Times I Was the Biggest Hater During the American Music Awards

Last night was the American Music Awards (AMAs) and I already wasn’t really looking forward to it. I really only watched because of Twitter (as often). Also, I didn’t feel like being nice (a day you can also called “any given Sunday”) so I am here with my questions. I seemed to gather all the supply of hateration that was readily stocked in my dancerie for the evening. Below are ten times when I ODed on haterade during the AMAs.

American Music Awards

* When it started – I missed the first 10 minutes of the show because the remote control was 10 feet away from me and I was too unconcerned to get it. They really need to start making remotes we can control with their minds. OR maybe they need to make remote controls that we can control with our phones. But what happens when our phones are far? Laziness inception. It’ll be like a cycle of “well it’s all the way over there.” Meh. In comparison, on Thursday nights, I sit my remote next to me and leave the TV off all day so such confusion won’t happen. But yeah… I just REALLY didn’t care much to watch the AMAs. And when I finally did, I had roast tourette’s.

haters gon hate gif

Edit: I’ve been told by many people that one of the apps I’ve been ignoring on my Samsung Galaxy S4 (WatchOn) can control my TV. I’ve been outchea LOSING! Setting it up tonight!

* Anytime I saw Taylor Swift – I can’t help it. Taylor just brings out the ultra petty in me (not like it’s laying dormant much). She came to the awards as Carrie Underwood. Good for her! And she seems to be maturing. She finally stopped that “OMG I CAN’T BELIEVE I WON ARE YOU SURE WHATTTTTTT” face. Again, go Taylor. She, of course, won a bunch of awards because MUSIC TODAY SUCKS! But whatevs. Yay.

* When Marc Anthony was on stage – I saw Marc Anthony more last night that I’ve seen the dude in at least 2 years (not like he’s my neighbor or nothing. I’m just saying. He’ont be at awards). And I wondered why he was dressed like he was about to go chop wood. Maybe he was tryna add some macho to himself. Weighing a buck ten as a grown man must be a burden. I FEEL YOU, MARC! Skinny people problems are real and sometimes we gotta wear flannel to be taken seriously!

* When I saw Macklemore – I don’t know why my spirit ain’t here for Macklemore. It could be because his eyebrows don’t show up and I’m judgey but I just scrunch my nose at him. And whoever first said he looks like Roger from Doug should be given ALLL the awards because it’s so true that we should call him Rogermore henceforth. Yes.

Macklemore Roger from Doug 2

* Nelly’s Country Performance – Some country music dudes performed on stage and then Nelly joined them and they did a countrified version of “Ride Wit Me.” And my side-eye was activated and I wondered how much Nelly needs for whatever it is. Because can we Kickstarted it instead of whatever that was?? Somewhere Murphy Lee and Chingy are butthurt talmbout “until you do right by us…” Chile… he’s lucky he FAHN.

* Rihanna’s Doobie – I’m glad Rihanna came up for air from Instagramming herself next to pools (I’m hating) to come to the AMAs. Homegirl got up on stage and performed in the key of T-Boz like we expected her to and I love watching her sing on mute. Antywho, Bajangal Riri wrapped her hair last night and didn’t comb it down. Because real Gs named Rihanna show up to award shows rocking a doobie. To further show us how few dambs she gives, the piece de resistance on the style were the bedazzed bobby pins holding her coiffure in place. SHINE BRIGHT LIKE THE DIAMOND BOBBY PINS IN RIH-RIH’S HAIR!


Lemme be honest. If I could be that much of a fool and still be that gorgeous, I’d probably show up in public all types of ways daring people to check me.

Her mama presented her with the icon award, and that was the sweetest moment of the night.

* When I Got Tired of Justin Timberlake – I’m a JT fan (just like the next *NSYNC fan who can’t let the past go) and 20/20 Experience goes hard in the musical paint. AND he’s FAHN! However, I got sick of seeing him onstage last night. He won like 3 or 4 award and performed and I’m all “OK ALREADY!” In fact, he won both the Pop/Rock AND Soul/R&B awards. Babyface ain’t cry them 90s tears for this. It’s cool. I ain’t mad. JT CGI.

* When R.Kelly and Lady Gaga Performed – So Robert Kelly and Lady Gaga performed and I was thinking they’d give me serious drama because their collective crazy just ASKS for madness that’d be fun to watch. Not so. They played out some Barack Obama/JFK and Marilyn Monroe thing.

Lady Gaga RKelly AMAs

And as Gaga sang “Do what you want with my body” a clip of her playing the piano when she was a little girl played on a screen. And I got all uncomfortable for obvious reasons. And I just WHY DOES EVERYTHING SUCK???

* Miley Cyrus – Because the sound of her name makes my knee itch. She was the closing performance for the show and I was hoping the’d cut her off in the middle with closing credits running over her like they do to Stevie Wonder. But that didn’t happen unfortunately. That chile got onstage rocking cropped top and briefs with a cat all over it and some exorcist-needed feline was behind her on a giant screen. That cat was sent here to haunt all our hopes and dreams.

Mileys cat gif

Also, I realized that Miley’s shape is not so bad. She just wears briefs that are 3 sizes too small so she looks like a #squozed up tube of toothpaste. I was just really hoping her labia didn’t peek out in them undersized underdrawls. UGH. She’s so tacky. The performance was her just standing there looking weird and a weird cat behind her and blah blah PLEASE END IT ALREADY. Ugh.

* When It Ended – I had to congratulate everyone for making it through three hours of that show. We did it together. Because at one point, I was ready to give up and do a chair slide to the floor. Seriously. BLAH!!!

Did you watch? What were the highlights and lowlights for you?

GIFs from BuzzFeed

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  1. Crooklyn08
    November 25, 2013 at 7:13 am

    No comments about TLC featuring Lil Mama? I still don’t know how I feel about that one.

    • November 25, 2013 at 5:09 pm

      I wasn’t here for skipping EVERY OTHER WORD of Lisa’s epic rap, but overall….i SUPPOSE TLilMamaC’s performance was tolerable. Even though I like her size now, I need T-Boz to get on whatever kind of diet/exercise/AngelaBassettVoodoo Chilli got going ASAPually. *Drops mic*

      • Made
        November 25, 2013 at 8:53 pm

        Tboz has deep health problems gurl, she looks great for what she has been through.

        • November 25, 2013 at 9:31 pm

          I know, girl…some poor unfortunate soul called it “Sicker sell” on Twitter instead of sickle cell. I’m thinking of the rigors of any touring they wanna do. Even without her health issues, she really does look great as is.

  2. Queen Kellie
    November 25, 2013 at 7:18 am

    *Dead* @ “makes my knee itch” __________________

    • November 25, 2013 at 8:37 am

      Chile, I am still laughing. My co-workers looking at me too crazy right now.

    • kwan
      November 25, 2013 at 9:12 am

      I can’t stop laughing at that one.

  3. November 25, 2013 at 7:19 am

    I didn’t catch the first hour do to my obsession with RHOA. I just can’t wait until Kandi’s blowup and to whom. But when I did turn in. I just wanted to turn it off but I just needed to see how badly this was going to end. I wanted Lady Gaga to Gone With The Wind Fabulous but she didn’t bring it. She was very breathy like Lil Mama. Overall, a okay show. The Grammy’s are next I think. Just waiting on Drake to pop out the shadows!

  4. Eugenia
    November 25, 2013 at 7:22 am

    Because the east coast took one for the team, as a west coaster I didn’t have to suffer and watch. West coast appreciates the sacrifice you made. Although that Miley performance looks all kinds of hilarious.

  5. November 25, 2013 at 7:23 am

    Every time I want to believe I am missing something by not listening to more current music, the award shows remind me that I’m not. Favourite performance was the Latin number by J-Lo. The dancers were off the chain.

  6. justlikehoney1
    November 25, 2013 at 7:30 am

    My thoughts as I watched:

    I wish Katy Perry would hush up & just let me enjoy this pretty set.

    Michael Bolton presented the award for Rap/Hip-Hop Album and Macklemore beat Kendrick Lamar? Stoppit on both fronts. Maybe Kenny G will present the same award @ The Grammys in February….

    Good job on winning, Ariana Grandé! She has an amazing voice. She just needs the right folks behind her to become as huge as she could be. Her hair & her ‘fit were mediocre @ best. Very prom-like.

    Bill Maher says of the icon award honoree “She has become, I think, the voice of our time, providing the soundtrack to our twenty first century years and lives”. Rihanna? Rihanna?!?!???!? Um, no. Just no.

    Dear Kendrick, Hey boo…hey!

    What in the ice skating outfit hell is Lady CaCa wearing? Robert Kelly swears he’s Fitz.

    • Kiss
      November 25, 2013 at 7:44 am

      Ariana Grande is my Pocket Boo. I wanna carry her around with me and take her outta my pocket to sing when I’m sad.

    • mandy
      November 25, 2013 at 7:58 am

      “Robert Kelly swears he’s Fitz.”

    • opal.ndaruff
      November 25, 2013 at 11:44 am

      This comment though, #slayed.

      See I ain’t watch it and I’m glad I didn’t. Really, Macklemore over Kendrick, really? That’s like Werid Al Yankovic winning best vocals over Boyz II Men (litereally that’s the closest analogy I can come up with). When affirmative action goes wrong…

    • Randomly Jazzy
      November 25, 2013 at 1:00 pm

      Michael Bolton….Macklemore? My side-eye can’t even side anymore. How the heck does that even work?

    • November 25, 2013 at 5:20 pm

      I’m as sure as Kimmykins is Kanye’s kareer’s downfall that i would’ve chuck multiple remotes at my 50 in flat screen Baby if i had seen Rogermore win that award over K. Dot! and i LIKE the guy, i do! but he can’t out rap King Kendrick!

  7. Kiss
    November 25, 2013 at 7:42 am

    I agree 100%. The highlights for me were 1. Ariana Grande and her sweet self and 2. TLC. Lil Mama tries….. I give all 3 of them credit for trying to resurrect their defunct careers. I hope it works. Lil Mama went all Kanye West after her Momma died. Bless her heart….. Kanye went Yeezus after his Momma passed…. Is this a celebrity thing? I lost my Momma last year. Ion be jumpin onstage interrupting speeches and performances. Do I have that right? Should I? I’ma try it at church. Just jump onstage while the pastor is preaching… start praise dancing…..

    • November 25, 2013 at 7:52 am

      I am over here in Philly falling out after “I’ma try it at church…”

      • Kiss
        November 25, 2013 at 9:07 am

        I’m in Camden so when I do it I’ma invite you so you can see it live.

        • November 25, 2013 at 2:20 pm

          Please send us all invites. My body is ready.

        • ASNCY621
          November 26, 2013 at 10:28 am

          My granny lives in Princeton so that’s a short train ride away. Even though I’m an atheist, can I still come through? I need to see if these stunts and shows are applicable to us all or just Kanye.

      • Right ...right
        November 28, 2013 at 11:23 pm

        YouTube it so I can see it at work

    • November 25, 2013 at 8:14 am

      This comment right here tho’.. I share an office and I busted out crying/laughing at getting up at church. My officemates thought got some bad news!..I had folks running for water and a church fan..Chile…

    • Londa
      November 25, 2013 at 8:54 am

      LOL @ tripping out at church. Hilarious!!!

      You know it might not work though; especially if you go to a predominantly black church with an active usher/”ersha” committee. They will lay hands on you in the holiest of ways. 🙂

      Of course, the folks who come in late and sit in the back will be recording the entire shenanigans, uploading it to youtube & et cetera for the world’s viewing pleasure.

      • November 25, 2013 at 9:18 am

        Yes. That would be me. I’m so totally that person. Don’t offer me a seat in front. I need to get my wide lens on in case some shenanigans go down. Praise the Lord; He’s worthy!

    • mrsnik
      November 25, 2013 at 9:08 am

      You must do this. You also must record it and upload it. I promise I will watch it every time I has the sads.

      • November 25, 2013 at 5:13 pm

        10 million views on EWWTube, tops! lol and I shall use “i has the sads” or “i have a case of the sads” in my vocabulary now

    • kwan
      November 25, 2013 at 9:16 am

      Hahaaaaaaa dying. If you go to a black church they’ll just think you caught the holy spirit, unless you jump up when they’re reading the announcements about the sick and shut in.

    • Le'eve
      November 25, 2013 at 9:18 am

      Waaaayyyyy too much hilariousness right here. Do that in church, they gon kick u out the congregation. lmao!!! 🙂

    • lika b
      November 25, 2013 at 9:20 am

      Your comment made my day. Hilarious!

    • KayMee
      November 25, 2013 at 9:50 am

      I read this a FELL OUT. I can’t even breathe! Kiss, If you do it a church, I think I’ll do it a work…tell my CEO saddown or snatch the mic and start yelling “Kendrick Lamar was robbed!!!”

    • November 25, 2013 at 10:58 am

      Girl I just slid outta my chair laughing at this. Let me find out you in church actin’ up.

    • Sweetpkizes
      November 25, 2013 at 11:32 am

      I’m in tears! YouTube that! I’m at work and can’t stop laughing. I just might get sent home. Oh well! “Do I have that right? Should I? I’ma try it at church. Just jump onstage while the pastor is preaching… start praise dancing…” Well worth it!

    • TheRYL1
      November 25, 2013 at 12:09 pm

      I. AM. IN. TEARS. PLEASE record it when you “go Kanye” at church! LOL

    • Jen Jen
      November 25, 2013 at 1:40 pm

      When you post the video of this on Youtube, please title it “When Keeping it Kanye Goes Wrong!” because it will, girl. Good luck!

    • ORH
      November 25, 2013 at 2:27 pm

      I just BOL in a meeting at work. please have someone video your jump on stage with the pastor. LMAO

    • fem2
      November 25, 2013 at 9:27 pm

      you go to church sitting on a gossip website? wow.
      losing your mom affects people differently.

      • ASNCY621
        November 26, 2013 at 10:35 am

        Talking about an award show isn’t gossiping. Get a dictionary and, if you have enough left over, some class.

      • Kiss
        November 29, 2013 at 5:49 pm

        Luvvie is hilarious. God ain’t worried about me being on this site. PornHub maybe. You can have a seat though. In a pew. In the back. Watch me show out. _/

    • Lexi
      November 26, 2013 at 10:53 am

      lol no try it at church!!! I will not deal with you today lol!!!

  8. Gizzle
    November 25, 2013 at 7:43 am

    Yea… I, too spent the evening hating. Do people of color not make music? Ijs… I wanted the TLC performance to ignite nostalgia, when all it did was make me sad, RIP Left Eye. She is shonuff irreplaceable. My good was Ciara and that dress. Everything from the impromptu tweak session to the Miley performance made for some horrible tv.

  9. November 25, 2013 at 7:48 am

    I’m mad that the AMAs tapped J. Lo of ALL people to honor the sangin-est Salsa Queen there ever was. She did ok, but I’m sure there are A TON of Latinas that could have rocked it the hell out. Sadly, mainstream America doesn’t care to know they exist. Oop!

    • Msbrome
      November 25, 2013 at 9:11 am

      Thank You! And I BETTA NOT hear that JLo is playing Celia Cruz in a film.

      • November 25, 2013 at 9:28 am

        She did a bang up job in Selena (one of my favoritest movies ever and still makes me cry), but they better leave it at that!

        If they do a Celia Cruz movie, they better pick right. All of Cuba will riot from there to NY.

    • kwan
      November 25, 2013 at 9:20 am

      Somebody tweeted they Zoe Saldana’d that Celia Cruz tribute…smh lol. They could have found another popular Cuban American singer, but her costume changes were on point.

      • Shevy
        November 25, 2013 at 1:29 pm

        Gloria Estefan comes to mind. She is Cuban after all.

        • November 25, 2013 at 2:56 pm

          But looks and sounds NOTHING like Celia.
          I love Gloria to 80s and 90s bits and pieces, but they ought not dare!

    • Melanie
      November 25, 2013 at 9:46 am

      I thought it was just me that was thoroughly disgusted to see J. Lo doing Celia. She better not come near a Celia Cruz movie unless she’s playing the maid.

    • November 25, 2013 at 11:08 am

      Thank you!!!!!!! I was hatin’ so hard. The Latin grammys was the week before, they coulda stood outside and found a better singer. La India would’ve brought the house down. Well….maybe not dance wise.

    • ASNCY621
      November 26, 2013 at 10:55 am

      When I heard that, I was like, “Who have her permission to do this and when?” La India, with whom Celia used to sing, could have burned the stage down. They could have done it with the Fania All Stars and that shit would have been hot like fish grease.

  10. November 25, 2013 at 8:20 am

    “Because the sound of her name makes my knees itch.”


  11. November 25, 2013 at 8:41 am

    I acatually stopped a moment to think about that, “Because the sound of her name makes my knee itch.” I thought of my own knee and then thought of how on earth she came up with that. foolery i tell ya just plain foolery. Keep it coming

  12. Londa
    November 25, 2013 at 8:57 am

    Miley and these crotch-clipping outfits make my eyes hurt. She must keep her gynecologist on speed dial and her medicine cabinet fully stocked with Monistat.

    • Me Talk Pretty
      November 25, 2013 at 9:46 am

      LMAO! Its not right, but it’s okay.

      • Ramblin' Wreck
        November 25, 2013 at 11:49 am

        Why did that phrase make me HOLLER at work? HOLLER. Boy, if my boss wasn’t on vacation I surely would be unemployed by now.

    • November 25, 2013 at 12:38 pm

      Londa, you killed me! I think Miley has recently discovered this thing called a vagina and she wants us all to share in her joy. I fully expect to see her spread out like a PB&J in Playboy to make sure that the world can see all her parts and their inner workings.

      • Londa
        November 25, 2013 at 12:55 pm

        Why can’t she just play with it (not literally…unless she wants to) in private like the rest of us respectable women when we discover the beauty and power of our own vijayjay? Doggone this “look at me!” generation.

        I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if Playboy was her next move.

        • November 25, 2013 at 5:22 pm

          But what does she have to show Playboy, doe? lol she hasn’t bought them or injected it yet!

    • November 25, 2013 at 3:01 pm

      At the risk of someone losing their lunch…

      Miley consistently makes me nauseous at tht thought of how my mind’s nose thinks she smells. :-X *gag*

      Like hot dog water, snapper drippings, and Victoria Secret body spray (in the purple bottle).

      I’m sorry, was that too vulgar?

      • November 26, 2013 at 11:31 pm

        I am DEAD at “snapper drippings!”

  13. Kimyotta Hankins
    November 25, 2013 at 9:12 am

    Lil Who?-ma had no bidness impersonating Lisa and esp changing her original lyrics! I felt as sad as Tionne looked up there in her workout clothes. I was surprised tho at Miley’s not terrible voice, if only she’d found the rest of her outfit her perfo mancemight’ve been tolerable. Lastly, Mr Kelly needs a seat, GaGa is waay too old for him!

    • November 25, 2013 at 11:18 am

      Lmao!!!!! Why were the backup dancer dressed waaaayy better than them?

  14. Nichole
    November 25, 2013 at 9:16 am

    My thanks for you taking one for the team. I read your tweet for the west coast and let out a big sigh of relief. No need for us all having these bad dreams, as it would be.

  15. November 25, 2013 at 9:20 am

    The Today Show just said Miley was on stage in a onesie! Between The Today Show and Luvvie’s itchy knees, I’m just laid out! LOL

  16. November 25, 2013 at 9:23 am

    Miley is ruining kittens and teddy bears for everybody. :[

    • vanita applebum
      November 25, 2013 at 11:29 am

      That lipsynching kitty was sad because Miley forgot her pants. I cackled every time the cat blinked. It tickled me. #ijs

  17. Le'eve
    November 25, 2013 at 9:26 am

    I only seen the first hour and last ten minutes. Whoever advised those dancers to TRY to hydraulic and pop that thang, should be terminated immediately. They ain’t e’en do it right!!!

    And Miley!!! Miley Miley Miley…..her entire performance gave me bitter beer face. That crotch sighting, made me uncomfortable. That weird lip syncing cat….. creepy. Overall, her career needs to find a bridge. I can’t…

  18. November 25, 2013 at 9:42 am

    I watched a couple of songs with my husband and we were all, “Who is that? Damn this song sucks. How can this singer be that lacking in soul?” and we gave up and went back to ignoring a football game while we surfed the net.

  19. Me Talk Pretty
    November 25, 2013 at 9:44 am

    The funniest part to me was how Miley practically runs through your front door dripping in ratchet juice begging to be down all “please notce how crazy sexy cool I AM!!!! I’m kinda black-ish in a ghetto way because it is KEWLLL”” while standing on her elbows and pouring red kool aid all over herself while wearing newborn pampers or somethin… because she’s just that needy…

    Meanwhile Rihanna just shows up with some bedazzled boby pins in her hair and calls it a day.

    That Miley, is how you make trifling look cool. SMH.

  20. November 25, 2013 at 9:47 am

    HA!!!! I didn’t watch but this recap is hilarious!!! Miley Cyrus and her lavia

  21. November 25, 2013 at 1:20 pm

    I didn’t see the AMAs but this right here has me crying in the office!! LMBO!!!!

  22. Tish
    November 25, 2013 at 4:39 pm

    Ugh. Miley Virus made me want to wipe my TV down with clorox wipes.

  23. November 25, 2013 at 5:27 pm

    I already don’t like cats to begin with and I think that Miley has SUCCESSFULLY made me hate kittens, especially ones that lip-sync! and I just now got over the trauma that was the R. Gaga performance on SNL and they come back with a JFK/Clinton/Scandal/ObamaAintAboutThatLife performance?! NAAAAWLLLLL! The G.O.A.T. Steve Jobs couldn’t have made enough iCants in various colors and sizes for me to CAN’T ANY FURTHER than i CANNOT at this moment!

  24. Tbapremier1
    November 25, 2013 at 5:32 pm

    I haven’t watched these award shows in years and realized that I haven’t missed naythan.
    My thoughts:
    I’ve never done pcp or any other hallucinogenic but watching Miley Cyrus made me feel like I was on something. Yes I agree her shape isn’t bad and she actually has awesome legs. I just want her to put on some clothes and stop looking like she picks up dates at the gray hound bus station.

    Awwww Rhi Rhi and her ode to the 90’s bedtime head dress. But why come? Why for? Yes my grammar is bad on purpose just like her decision to come out looking like she just got into an altercation at the beauty shop cause the hair stylist found out she’s been messing with her man. Do better Rhi Rhi do better. But I enjoyed her performance honestly.

    I don’t know much about Katy Perry but I enjoyed her set. No not her performance the stage set and props. Was she an American Idol winner or something? She has that generic-ism with her that many of them have.

    Pitbull did a good job hosting. So we know that after his 7.3 more minutes of fame is up he can get a show on satellite radio as a DJ. Good for him!

    THE ONLY reason I watched this show was for TLC’s performance. I fell asleep DAMB DIGGITY DAMB D D DAMB DAMB!!! Well I went on YouTube and watched it. After watching Tboz look like she only showed of for the dress rehearsal and missed all of the other ones I thought maybe she should have came and took an nap with me during their performance. I know she has health issues and did better than I ever could but we have to know our limits. let us revel in the memory of what used to be. Smile on those happy memories. Now I just grimace and feel sad. Lil Momma was pumped enough for everyone though. She did well but I can’t see her being a permanent new member. Just leave well enough alone.

  25. Purple Dove
    November 25, 2013 at 7:21 pm

    When channel surfing I saw Justin T win the Soul/R&B Album category presented by Sarah Silverman and Justin said (paraphrased but close to the original) he had never been racially profiled by a white person before.

    Count how many things are wrong with that sentence. You’ll need more than 10 fingers and toes.

    That was plenty for me.

    I saw photos of RiRi’s doobie so prepare yourself for the questions from the uninformed and new YouTube hair tutorials about this old, not really a hairstyle. I’ve never been mad at RiRi’s IDGAF attitude.

    And apparently the word “icon” needs a new dictionary definition.

  26. Shakira
    November 25, 2013 at 9:02 pm

    Is it ME or did the fact that MACKLEMORE won over Kendrick Fucking Lamar make you wanna flip over a table or two??!?! I call bullshit!!!

    • November 25, 2013 at 9:36 pm

      Don’t leave out shenanigans! Lol call them while you’re at it!

  27. Niki
    November 25, 2013 at 9:21 pm

    “And I just WHY DOES EVERYTHING SUCK???” This is why I love you so Luvvie!!

  28. Tiger Tyson
    November 26, 2013 at 9:05 pm

    “Her mama presented her with the icon award”

    Icon of no-talent waste of skin award, right?

    “Also, I realized that Miley’s shape is not so bad.”
    The #1 isn’t a shape, it’s a straight line.

  29. Bob
    November 26, 2013 at 9:06 pm

    It was ok,,, until Bill Maher came on. That’s when I switch to watch something else.