The 10 Times I Was the Biggest Hater During the American Music Awards
Last night was the American Music Awards (AMAs) and I already wasn’t really looking forward to it. I really only watched because of Twitter (as often). Also, I didn’t feel like being nice (a day you can also called “any given Sunday”) so I am here with my questions. I seemed to gather all the supply of hateration that was readily stocked in my dancerie for the evening. Below are ten times when I ODed on haterade during the AMAs.
* When it started – I missed the first 10 minutes of the show because the remote control was 10 feet away from me and I was too unconcerned to get it. They really need to start making remotes we can control with their minds. OR maybe they need to make remote controls that we can control with our phones. But what happens when our phones are far? Laziness inception. It’ll be like a cycle of “well it’s all the way over there.” Meh. In comparison, on Thursday nights, I sit my remote next to me and leave the TV off all day so such confusion won’t happen. But yeah… I just REALLY didn’t care much to watch the AMAs. And when I finally did, I had roast tourette’s.
Edit: I’ve been told by many people that one of the apps I’ve been ignoring on my Samsung Galaxy S4 (WatchOn) can control my TV. I’ve been outchea LOSING! Setting it up tonight!
* Anytime I saw Taylor Swift – I can’t help it. Taylor just brings out the ultra petty in me (not like it’s laying dormant much). She came to the awards as Carrie Underwood. Good for her! And she seems to be maturing. She finally stopped that “OMG I CAN’T BELIEVE I WON ARE YOU SURE WHATTTTTTT” face. Again, go Taylor. She, of course, won a bunch of awards because MUSIC TODAY SUCKS! But whatevs. Yay.
* When Marc Anthony was on stage – I saw Marc Anthony more last night that I’ve seen the dude in at least 2 years (not like he’s my neighbor or nothing. I’m just saying. He’ont be at awards). And I wondered why he was dressed like he was about to go chop wood. Maybe he was tryna add some macho to himself. Weighing a buck ten as a grown man must be a burden. I FEEL YOU, MARC! Skinny people problems are real and sometimes we gotta wear flannel to be taken seriously!
* When I saw Macklemore – I don’t know why my spirit ain’t here for Macklemore. It could be because his eyebrows don’t show up and I’m judgey but I just scrunch my nose at him. And whoever first said he looks like Roger from Doug should be given ALLL the awards because it’s so true that we should call him Rogermore henceforth. Yes.
* Nelly’s Country Performance – Some country music dudes performed on stage and then Nelly joined them and they did a countrified version of “Ride Wit Me.” And my side-eye was activated and I wondered how much Nelly needs for whatever it is. Because can we Kickstarted it instead of whatever that was?? Somewhere Murphy Lee and Chingy are butthurt talmbout “until you do right by us…” Chile… he’s lucky he FAHN.
* Rihanna’s Doobie – I’m glad Rihanna came up for air from Instagramming herself next to pools (I’m hating) to come to the AMAs. Homegirl got up on stage and performed in the key of T-Boz like we expected her to and I love watching her sing on mute. Antywho, Bajangal Riri wrapped her hair last night and didn’t comb it down. Because real Gs named Rihanna show up to award shows rocking a doobie. To further show us how few dambs she gives, the piece de resistance on the style were the bedazzed bobby pins holding her coiffure in place. SHINE BRIGHT LIKE THE DIAMOND BOBBY PINS IN RIH-RIH’S HAIR!
Lemme be honest. If I could be that much of a fool and still be that gorgeous, I’d probably show up in public all types of ways daring people to check me.
Her mama presented her with the icon award, and that was the sweetest moment of the night.
* When I Got Tired of Justin Timberlake – I’m a JT fan (just like the next *NSYNC fan who can’t let the past go) and 20/20 Experience goes hard in the musical paint. AND he’s FAHN! However, I got sick of seeing him onstage last night. He won like 3 or 4 award and performed and I’m all “OK ALREADY!” In fact, he won both the Pop/Rock AND Soul/R&B awards. Babyface ain’t cry them 90s tears for this. It’s cool. I ain’t mad. JT CGI.
* When R.Kelly and Lady Gaga Performed – So Robert Kelly and Lady Gaga performed and I was thinking they’d give me serious drama because their collective crazy just ASKS for madness that’d be fun to watch. Not so. They played out some Barack Obama/JFK and Marilyn Monroe thing.
And as Gaga sang “Do what you want with my body” a clip of her playing the piano when she was a little girl played on a screen. And I got all uncomfortable for obvious reasons. And I just WHY DOES EVERYTHING SUCK???
* Miley Cyrus – Because the sound of her name makes my knee itch. She was the closing performance for the show and I was hoping the’d cut her off in the middle with closing credits running over her like they do to Stevie Wonder. But that didn’t happen unfortunately. That chile got onstage rocking cropped top and briefs with a cat all over it and some exorcist-needed feline was behind her on a giant screen. That cat was sent here to haunt all our hopes and dreams.
Also, I realized that Miley’s shape is not so bad. She just wears briefs that are 3 sizes too small so she looks like a #squozed up tube of toothpaste. I was just really hoping her labia didn’t peek out in them undersized underdrawls. UGH. She’s so tacky. The performance was her just standing there looking weird and a weird cat behind her and blah blah PLEASE END IT ALREADY. Ugh.
* When It Ended – I had to congratulate everyone for making it through three hours of that show. We did it together. Because at one point, I was ready to give up and do a chair slide to the floor. Seriously. BLAH!!!
Did you watch? What were the highlights and lowlights for you?
GIFs from BuzzFeed